Light on the Dark Side of Me
by cocoa-snape
Summary: Harry comes into his sexuality & discovers he wants Snape. Intense occlumency lessons pull these 2 together, but is Snape too troubled or too dark to return HP's affections? DE meetings & Dumbledore stir the already boiling pot, HPSS Slash, Angst COMPLETE
1. More than a bad day

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape (aka 'CocoaSnape' on other sites)  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.

**Summary: **With Harry's Occlumency lessons set to resume (set in his 7th year), he is required to reveal an embarrassing memory to Snape to 'atone' for his Pensieve indiscretions. Faced with that and his growing attraction for his once hated Potions professor, he believes his life can't get any more complicated. But soon Harry begins to suspect that his problems are nothing compared to the horror that is Snape's life. Desperate to help, Harry goes to great length to prove his affections, but Snape wants none of it. And when Harry goes too far, he realizes that perhaps Snape is not the man he thought he was at all.

This story starts out focusing on Harry, but really is a Snape-centered fic. This story ignores HBP-canon. Enjoy.

**Warnings:** This story contains SLASH content - don't read if this offends you (pairing Harry and Snape). It will also eventually become very Angsty, with references to non-graphic violence, rape and torture. I will post specific warnings for each chapter so that there is no confusion. Please don't flame...you've been warned.  
**Warnings for Chpt 1:** mild het, mild pre-slash

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me **by **Cocoa-Snape**  
**Chapter 1: More than a bad day**

Harry Potter was not having a good day. This in of itself was not unusual. Given the day-to-day challenges he faced as the appointed 'Savior-of-the-Wizarding-World,' Harry had a greater share of bad days than most young wizards at Hogwarts. But today was unusual, because it should have been an excellent day. It was a beautiful June afternoon and there were only 3 weeks of classes left. And as a Sixth year student, Harry was exempt from final exams – a break of sorts from the intense fifth year OWLs and the life-defining seventh year NEWTs. The lack of exams might depress his close friend Hermione, but it was certainly not the reason for Harry's unhappy mood. Harry stood outside in the stone courtyard, waiting for someone. For a fleeting instant, he hoped they wouldn't come. _Maybe she's forgotten_, he thought hopefully.

"Harry, oh Harry!" he heard in the distance. Harry winced, his unrealistic hopes dashed. He turned around and met the eyes of his girlfriend, Cho Chang.

"I'm finished with classes for today. What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm done."

"Oh let's spend the rest of the day together then!" Cho exclaimed.

"Okay," Harry replied.

_What am I doing? _Harry thought. Harry had started dating Cho three months earlier, when she had approached him and confidently asserted that she was over Cedric Diggory and wanted to move on with Harry. He had said yes immediately. After all, he'd been waiting for Cho for more than two years now. But he was finding that with each passing day, he was enjoying the time they spent together less and less.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted as Cho leaned forward and kissed him. To the casual observer it might have been described as a relatively chaste kiss, but since the observer happened to be Professor McGonagall, this fact did not matter.

"Mr. Potter and Miss Chang, I would encourage you both to be more discreet with your affections."

"Yes, Professor," they both said at once.

"Let's go someplace private, Harry," Cho suggested.

A few minutes later, Harry found himself outside the Room of Requirement. When he stepped in after Cho, he was more than a little surprised at what he saw. The room was lit with candles and soft music was playing in the background. Harry's eyes only widened further as he caught sight of a full size bed, decorated with flower petals, in the middle of the room.

"What's all this?" he asked.

"Harry, I've made a decision. I know we've only been dating for 3 months, but I want to show you that I'm over Cedric. I've decided I'm ready and I want to be with you."

Harry did not understand Cho's meaning at first. _We are together_, he thought. But then slow comprehension dawned on him. _Oh my God, she can't be serious – and I can't believe she's mentioning Cedric at a time like this!_

But before he knew it, Cho had pulled him down onto the bed and began undressing him. It was when she started to pull off her own clothes, however, that Harry began to panic. It was not as though he'd never seen Cho without her blouse – after all, it seemed to Harry that 'making out' was Cho's favorite activity. He didn't mind…too much. But as she slipped below the sheets, Harry began to feel sick. He wanted to run away. _What's wrong with me? _Harry thought. _What 16 year old would not want this? Me. I can't ever be normal, can I?_

"Cho, maybe we're moving a bit too fast," Harry offered.

"You're so sweet, Harry, but I'm sure, really I am."

Harry decided that perhaps honesty was the best approach to handle this situation.

"No. I mean…this is too fast for me. I don't think I want this." _Maybe that was a bit too honest, Harry._

"What do you mean you don't want this?" Cho asked angrily. "Because my friends are telling me that a ton of other boys are interested in me you know."

"Well then maybe you should go out with them," Harry shot back.

Cho redressed with a quick spell as she shouted back, "Maybe I will, Harry. Goodbye." And with that, she walked out of the room.

_Maybe today's not such a bad day after all_, thought Harry.

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That evening, Hermione, who seemed to have heard about the breakup only a few minutes after it had happened, tried to console Harry. He tried in vain to convince her that he was fine. Ron, on the other hand, was elated.

"About time you broke it off, Harry. She was suffocating you. Always wanting to meet after class."

"Yeah, Ron. But technically she broke it off."

"What happened?" they asked.

"Usual arguments and stuff," Harry lied. Even though Ron didn't particularly like Cho, Harry felt sure Ron would think he was crazy if he found out that Harry had passed up the chance to have sex.

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Two days later, Harry was exiting the Great Hall after lunch when he was stopped by a blushing Parvati Patil.

"Harry, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure," Harry said.

Harry found it a bit odd when Parvati pushed him behind a stone statue, but said nothing.

"I heard you're not dating Cho anymore. Is that true?"

"Yeah."

"Well I thought maybe we could go out…you know…maybe to Hogsmeade this weekend."

Harry contemplated Parvati's words. He knew from experience that Parvati wasn't really interested in him. He had asked her to the Yule Ball in their fourth year only because he didn't have another date and she relished the opportunity, spreading word about the school that she was the Boy-Who-Lived's date for the Yule Ball.

"I don't think…" Harry started.

"Come on, it'll be fun," Parvati insisted. And without warning, she leaned forward and kissed him. Harry was about to push her away, but his curiosity stopped him. He never seemed as breathless as Cho was after their kisses, and now he wondered if this had nothing to do with him, but perhaps Cho. _Maybe a different girl? _he mused. Just as realized that the sensation was not very different than it had been with Cho, his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Mr. Potter and Miss Patil. Whatever you may believe, this statue is not here to aid and abet your _activities_," Snape sneered. "Now both of you, get to class."

Harry whispered a quick "I really don't want to date anyone now" to Parvati, who looked only mildly annoyed.

As Snape began walking away, Harry heard him say clearly, "And Potter, 20 points from Gryffindor for interrupting my thoughts." Harry didn't even look back as he marched off to the library for his free block.

Meanwhile, as Snape was making his way back into the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall stopped him. "Severus, more points from Gryffindor? What did they do this time?" she asked slightly annoyed.

"It's Potter. He was busy snogging instead of going to class."

"Ah yes. He and Miss Chang are really quite involved. I caught them just two days ago," McGonagall commented.

Snape's eyes widened ever so slightly. "It seems Mr. Potter is very busy indeed. I caught him with Miss Patil."

"Oh my!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall, looking a bit scandalized.

"If you don't mind, Minerva, I have already wasted my enough of my time on these puerile adolescents." And with that, Snape stalked away.

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As Harry walked away, he wondered if his face was as flushed as it felt. It was bad enough being seen snogging by McGonagall, but it was far worse being caught by Snape – his once hated Potions professor.

Harry couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he'd stopped hating Snape, but oddly enough, the slow process seemed to have begun after Sirius's death. Last summer, while in Grimmauld place, Harry had overheard a conversation between Lupin and Tonks (using Fred and George's extendable ears, of course) that gave Harry pause. When Tonks asked about Snape's strange absence from Order meetings of late, Lupin explained that Snape was in very bad shape following his debriefing with Voldemort after the incident at the Ministry.

"Apparently Snape tried to explain his reasons for mobilizing the Order that night to Voldemort. He told _him_ that Dumbledore would have suspected if he had not said anything and he didn't want to compromise his role as a spy. Well Voldemort might have bought that explanation, but not before he tortured Snape to make certain he was telling the truth." Tonks gasped. "He's been in the hospital ward for a couple of weeks now. Apparently he was under the Cruciatus for over two minutes." _That was longer than the Longbottoms_, Harry thought. "He's going to be okay. But I'm not sure how to be honest. He's obviously developed some sort of immunity to it or he'd be a vegetable by now."

Harry had never really thought much about the risks Snape took in his spying for the Order. Hearing about the punishment Voldemort had inflicted on him for notifying the Order after his own impulsive decision to go to the Ministry that night was a difficult blow indeed. Harry never looked at Snape the same way again. And over time, Harry came to realize that he had developed a newfound – dare he say it – respect for what Snape did for the Order. And for the countless times he had saved Harry's own life.

As the year wore on, Harry found himself dwelling on his Potions professor, and oftentimes watching him in class. There was something about Snape – something about the way Harry felt when he watched the man that unnerved him somehow. And until very recently, he didn't have any idea what that thing was. But being caught by Snape just then, hearing that voice chastise him – it was…so irritating, so disturbing, so complicated, and so _nice_! Harry shook the thought from his head, realizing how crazy it was to think that he might be feeling an attraction for his Potions professor. _I am crazy. It's Snape!_

But the thought explained a lot. Recently in class when Harry would get caught looking at the man, and Snape would stare back at him, Harry would get all hot and flushed. He had chalked it up to anxiety, stress, lack of sleep – anything except attraction to that nasty git. Respect was one thing, but this was just ridiculous and not possible. Not to mention the fact that he couldn't possibly fancy men – that was just wrong. Harry decided the solution to this problem was to play more Quidditch. Yes, that was the solution to everything.

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Two days later at dinner, Harry's conversation with Ron and Hermione was interrupted by Annaleise. She was a 7th year Gryffindor and two year team member of the Quidditch team. Harry liked her a lot. She was easy to talk to, she didn't mind getting dirty like almost all the other girls Harry knew, and most importantly, she lived for Quidditch.

"Hi, Harry," Annaleise said as she sat down on the bench next to him. "Ron, Hermione," she acknowledged.

"Hi, Annaleise. Practice tomorrow."

"Right, of course. Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a really big favor, Harry."

"Sure."

"Hogsmeade weekend is coming up and I don't have a date."

_Oh Merlin no, _thought Harry.

"I really want to go with Frederick of Ravenclaw. The thing is, he's a bit shy and I was hoping you could help me get him to ask me." Harry was so relieved she wasn't asking him that he breathed a sigh of relief and nodded.

"He's looking at you right now, in fact," Hermione offered.

"I know. All my friends tell me he's interested. They suggested the best way to push him into asking me is by making him jealous. And the thing is that, well, all the girls talk about you and how eligible you are and everything and I was hoping, Harry, if you wouldn't mind, if you could kiss me so that he sees."

"I don't know—" Harry started. But not a moment later, Hermione was insisting he do it, certain the plan would work and mumbling something about how hard it was to get men to make the first move while glancing furtively at Ron.

"Okay fine, I'll do it," Harry offered. Annaleise was after all a good friend. Harry added, "But if you start dating him, you better not slack off in Quidditch."

Annaleise looked horrified. "Harry, I'd dump him before I'd let that happen," she said seriously. With that, Harry added another reason for liking Annaleise to his mental list. "Okay, whenever you're ready," she said.

"What? Now?" Harry asked shocked. "In front of all these people?"

"Well that is the point, isn't it, Harry?" Hermione prodded.

"Yes now, Harry. And you have to make the move. I don't want him thinking I'm too interested, just possibly receptive you know. I'll get up to walk away and you'll grab my arm, spin me around and kiss me. Okay?" Annaleise said.

"Okay." Harry said.

"Oh and make it really passionate, Harry – like you've been pining for me."

"What?" Harry asked. This was becoming a nightmare.

Annaleise's eyes pleaded with him and he nodded.

She turned to get up. Just as she had instructed, Harry stood up, grabbed her arm and pulled her forcefully to him. Their lips met and he was attempting the most passionate kiss he could give without actually using any tongue. He placed his arm around her waist, figuring that might intensify the perceived passion of the kiss. Her lips were warm, but once again there were no 'butterflies' like he had heard other people talking about. But Harry was strangely comforted by the fact that he sensed that Annaleise wasn't feeling anything either. _Maybe it just has to be the right girl_, Harry thought, relieved by this new revelation. He waited until she pulled away, and Annaleise suddenly mustered the most flustered look she could manage. She gave him a wink and turned and left. Harry noted that Frederick not far behind.

Quite a few people in the Hall had stopped what they were doing to watch the kiss. The staff table was no exception. McGonagall spoke first, in an appalled huff, "Looks like Mr. Potter's got himself yet _another_ girlfriend."

Snape snorted loudly.

"Another?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"That's the third girl Severus and I have seen him with just this week." Lowering her voice slightly, she added, "You know, Albus, someone should speak with the boy. Three girls in one week!"

"I don't know, Minerva. Perhaps as his Head of House, you should do it," Dumbledore suggested.

"Albus Dumbledore, you know very well he's not going to speak with a woman about this. This is important. You know those awful Muggle relatives of his certainly aren't speaking with him on the topic."

"Perhaps you are right, Minerva. I shall speak with him."

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The next day, as Harry made his way to Potions, he felt his arm being wrenched outside the classroom. To Harry's dismay, it was Parvati.

"Harry, what was that all about yesterday with Annaleise? I thought you said you didn't want to date anyone?"

"I don't. She asked me to kiss her to make someone else jealous, that's all. We're friends. Now I have to go, I don't want to be late," Harry said.

"That looked like a lot more than friends kissing to me. If it's passionate kisses you want, Harry, I'd be happy to oblige…" And with that Parvati pulled Harry to her roughly and began kissing him quite forcefully. He felt her tongue pushing against his lips and he pursed his lips together as tight as possible, not wanting to let her tongue anywhere near his mouth.

As if on cue, Snape interrupted them: "You are late for my class, Potter! Leave Miss Patil." Harry looked through the doors of the dungeon and noticed the entire Potions class turned around staring at him. Snape was infuriated – but instead of raising his voice, his voice became lower and more threatening. "I'm tired of your antics, Potter. You will keep your hormones under control or I'll whip some control into you."

The words did not have the intended affect on Harry. They felt like velvet brushing up against his body. Suddenly, he began to feel something stirring in between his legs. _Oh my God! I am becoming aroused by Snape!_ Quickly, Harry took his seat. _No it's not possible_, he thought. Harry replayed Snape's words: 'I'll whip some control into you.' Harry winced as he felt his pants tightening around him. He looked up and saw Snape's eyes boring holes through him. _Dear Lord he's sexy!_, he thought, followed quickly by _What the hell is wrong with me? _The next two hours passed very slowly or so it seemed for Harry. He kept looking up at Snape, wondering what on earth had possessed him to be thinking those earlier thoughts. Hermione kept elbowing him in an attempt to get him to focus on his potion, but to no avail.

Once class was over, Harry hurriedly gathered his things and started to leave.

"Potter!" Snape said.

Harry turned back reluctantly. "Yes, sir."

"You have a detention tomorrow night with me. I hope it will teach you to keep your extracurricular activities out of my classroom and preferably out of my sight!" Snape scowled.

Harry blushed and replied, "Yes, sir."

As Harry left, he was glad Snape did not know the real reason for his embarrassment. He couldn't quite believe it himself. He didn't like the idea that Snape had seen him kissing two different girls. As if that mattered. But somehow to Harry, it did.

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**_Author's Note:_** This is my first fan fiction. I will be updating regularly and I promise not to leave anyone hanging - i.e., I will finish this story! Please review and let me know what you like/don't like, etc. Specifics are helpful. Thanks.


	2. The talk' from Dumbledore

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
**Warnings for Chpt 2: **ultra mild pre-slash

**  
The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
****Chapter 2: 'The talk' from Dumbledore**

After his classes were done for the day, Harry made his way back to the Gryffindor common room. Changing out of his robes, Harry heard a loud pop next to him.

"Dobby! How are you doing?"

"Dobby is feeling very sad, yes he is."

"Why Dobby?"

"Because Harry Potter is to be leaving Dobby for the summer and Dobby is not to be seeing him until next year. Dobby will be missing Harry Potter."

"I'll miss you too Dobby, and trust me I'm not looking forward to leaving Hogwarts either," Harry mused, a frown creeping onto his face.

"Dobby came to tell Harry Potter that Headmaster Dumbledore wants to see him after dinner in his office. He is telling Dobby that the password is lemon meringue pie."

"Okay Dobby thanks. Do you know what it is about?"

"Dobby would tell Harry Potter if he knew but Dobby is knowing nothing."

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As Harry made his way into Dumbledore's office after dinner that night, he wondered if this was just one of their usual meetings or if Dumbledore wanted to speak with him about something in particular.

"Come in Harry. Sit, have some tea. Lemon drop?" Dumbledore offered.

"No thank you sir. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, of course. It's been a while since we've last spoken. Have you been having any more dreams Harry?"

Harry didn't even bother to wonder how Dumbledore knew this. Harry was embarrassed to admit that he had indeed resumed having dreams about Voldemort after several months without them. He confessed this, but was quick to explain that they were just a series of disjointed images and didn't seem important enough to mention before.

"I was going to mention it, sir. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner."

"Not a problem my boy. But it seems we will have to do something about them."

"Perhaps a potion," Harry offered, hoping to distract Dumbledore's mind from the option of resuming his Occlumency training. This possibility was after all the reason Harry had _neglected_ to mention his dreams before now.

"Let me think on this Harry. How are your classes going?"

"Fine sir." Dumbledore smiled at Harry from behind those half-moon spectacles, as if waiting for Harry to continue. Suddenly, Harry was voicing something he'd been thinking for a long while: "It's just that, I'm not learning anything in Defense against the Dark Arts, sir. And I'm worried about how I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort when we keep having Professors that either refuse to teach us or don't know how to. I mean Professor Burrows is nice and all, but...Do you know if we're going to get someone more..." Harry paused to consider his choice of words here, "...experienced with the Dark arts and its Defense next year?"

Harry was pleased to see that Dumbledore was amused by his attempt at tact: "I'm afraid not my boy, the applicant pool is looking quite meager. But I shall see what I can do. I shall think on this also Harry. I appreciate your honesty."

"Of course sir. Thank you."

"Now Harry I must confess that I had another reason for asking you here tonight." Harry said nothing, so Dumbledore continued, deciding to be as candid as possible: "Professor McGonagall insisted that I speak with you about sex Harry. It appears you were seen in the company of quite a few young ladies of late, and since I doubt your aunt and uncle have spoken with you about this topic, I thought I'd offer my services."

Harry blushed. He could not believe he was in Dumbledore's office about to have 'the talk.' "Sir, thanks, but that really isn't necessary. I think I pretty much know all there is to know."

Dumbledore continued, non-plussed: "If you don't want me to discuss the specifics with you, I can of course give you a short book on the topic, if you promise to look through it."

Harry accepted the book Dumbledore offered him, and glanced at the title, The Basics of Wizard Sexuality. "I will sir," Harry offered quickly.

"But I'm afraid I do feel compelled to discuss your behavior of late. You were seen kissing three different girls in the span of a week, going into the Room of Requirement with one, and I see you have a detention from Professor Snape for being late to his class after he caught you in a comprising situation."

Harry wondered briefly who saw him and Cho enter the Room of Requirement. This was mortifying. But Harry was all too happy to explain the situation to Dumbledore. "Sir, this is all a mistake. Cho and I were dating, but honestly, we broke up, mostly because she wanted more than I did in the Room of Requirement, sir." Harry noted that Dumbledore seemed relieved by this news. Harry proceeded to explain the situation with Parvati and Annaleise in detail, and found Dumbledore chuckling to himself throughout.

"It seems you have had quite an interesting week Harry."

"Tell me about it. And now everyone thinks I'm like the most eligible bachelor at Hogwarts. And the worst part is that instead of avoiding me for it, all these girls are coming up to me now and asking me out. It's horrible."

"So there is no one that you're interested in at the moment?" Dumbledore queried with interest.

Harry stopped for a moment. Perhaps he could get advice from Dumbledore on his current situation without getting into too many specifics. After all, an opportunity like this would not present itself too often and Dumbledore was really being very nice about the whole thing. He was finding him surprisingly easy to talk to, even about this.

"Well..." Harry began hesitantly. "There is someone, I think I might like, but I'm not really sure."

"Why don't you tell me what she's like Harry."

_She. Yes, it would be she wouldn't it_, Harry thought.

"Uhmm...what do you mean?"

Dumbledore decided to help Harry along. "Just tell me about her. For example, is she in Gryffindor? Is she in your year? Is she pretty?"

Harry started laughing. He nearly dropped his tea cup. If only Dumbledore knew! Harry recovered with: "Sorry professor I was just thinking about something Ron said at dinner. Uhmm, pretty? Well not in the traditional sense, sir. No, she's not in Gryffindor and not in my year either. Pretty strange I guess..."  
"As I'm sure your Divination lessons have taught you Harry, making predictions about whom one fancies is at best a futile endeavor," Dumbledore said smiling.

_I bet you wouldn't predict that I fancy your Potions Master, _Harry thought.

"Yeah, I guess. But..." Harry paused to consider his next question. "How do you know if you really fancy someone?"

Dumbledore took a sip of his tea before answering. "Well, why don't you tell me how you feel when you're around them Harry."

Harry thought carefully about his answer. "Well...I like being around them, but it's all very hard being around them at the same time. It's very..." Harry looked for the right word, "complicated."

"Ah yes..." Dumbledore said, his eyes smiling at Harry. "That bodes either very well my boy or not so well."

Harry was confused. "What do you mean, sir."

"Love is complicated Harry."

"Love?" Harry sputtered through his tea, trying not to spit it out. "It's definitely not love, sir. That much I know," Harry said with conviction.

"Of course Harry. My apologies. A crush then, perhaps?" Dumbledore offered.

Harry didn't like the way that sounded at first, but then a reassuring thought struck him. A crush! Of course, people had crushes on their Professors all the time - that was normal. Except this professor happened to be a man. "Maybe," Harry consented.

"So what do you like about this person Harry?" Dumbledore asked, offering him another chocolate biscuit, which Harry accepted.

Harry thought about this for a while. What did he like about Professor Snape? _His voice_, was the first thing that came into Harry's mind. _I can't say that_, Harry thought.

"She's...she's..." Harry started. Just saying 'she' was making his throat dry. Harry wondered if he should tell Dumbledore that it wasn't a she. Of course he wouldn't mention that it was Snape of all people that he was interested in, but Harry needed to confess his strange desires to someone and why not one of the most understanding wizards he'd ever met. Harry's heart was beginning to pound very hard in his chest, he sighed deeply and placed his head in his hands

"What's wrong Harry?" Dumbledore asked gently.

"It's just that...she's...she's not a she. It's a he," Harry said.

"Ah, well that's perfectly normal Harry. My apologies for making the wrong assumption - you can of course understand why I did that - you did have quite a busy week after all didn't you?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes positively twinkling.

_He's telling jokes after what I just told him. He doesn't think I'm a freak._

Dumbledore continued: "That is also, of course, discussed in that book I gave you." But Harry wasn't listening to Dumbledore at all. He was feeling immensely relieved at the thought that at least one person knew and that person didn't think he was a freak. Suddenly, the prospect of going back to the Dursleys for the summer didn't seem quite as daunting. At least he knew one person understood. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Dumbledore's voice.

"Harry, are you listening to me?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, sir, I'm sorry," Harry said.

"I asked you if you were going to tell this person how you feel about him," Dumbledore said, a curious smile on his face.

"Uhmm, no I don't think so, sir. He's not really...uhmm...the approachable type." Harry said, not quite knowing how to word: _He would kill me with his bare hands if I told him_.

Dumbledore chuckled. "Well, everyone has their demons to face Harry," Dumbledore mused, and then added seriously, "Some more than others. But remember, things change and people change Harry. Perhaps, my boy, in time..."

Harry didn't quite understand what Dumbledore was saying, but he certainly wasn't going to ask for an explanation. Harry thanked him for the tea and went straight back to his dorm, with a new found feeling of relief. Harry slept quite well that night.

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A/N: To everyone who left reviews for my story, I can't tell you how happy I was to find them - thanks so much. Especially the ones which cited favorite lines...that is so helpful! Please keep it up.  
Another note, I've written most of quite a bit of this story already - and it looks like it's going to be about 25 or so chapters. I just have to revise each before I post.  
A little teaser: the next chapter, which will be up soon, is titled Double detention with Snape.


	3. Double detention with Snape

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
**Warnings for Chpt 3: **ultra mild pre-slash

**  
The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
****Chapter 3: Double detention with Snape**

The next morning after breakfast, Harry was talking with Ron and Hermione inside the courtyard before Transfiguration. Ron still could not believe what Dumbledore had wanted to talk to Harry about. After Ron's laughter subsided, Harry said: "Well at least this whole mess is almost over. I just have detention from Snape tonight for Parvati kissing me. Of course I get a detention and she gets nothing. But, whatever. We're free in less than two weeks!"

Hermione seemed only too happy to ruin the mood. "Harry you should prepare yourself for the possibility that Professor Snape is going to bring up the incident with Parvati. He might not know that Professor Dumbledore spoke with you."

"Oh great!" Harry said. "That's the last thing I need is 'the talk' from Snape."

Ron seemed eager to reaffirm Harry's fears of how dreadful that would be. "Oh my God, how horrible would that be - a sex talk from Snape? I mean, what does he know anyway? Who would ever have sex with him? Can you even imagine?" Ron snickered.

"Ron, don't be stupid," Hermione said, with annoyance in her voice. Hermione seemed determined to counter Ron. "I, for one, can imagine him having sex. He's a very intense person. Intense people tend to have intense sex."

Ron managed to say "That's disgusting Hermione," but Harry barely heard him and Hermione continued: "He's got piercing eyes and he's got very strong hands..."

_Don't forget that sexy voice_, Harry added in his thoughts. His hands. He hadn't thought about his hands before. Now that Hermione mentioned it, he would have to look at them more carefully. 'Intense people have intense sex' Harry revisited. Snape was certainly nothing if not intense - he flushed deeply at the thought. "Kill me now," Harry said, realizing a second too late he had verbalized this last thought.

"Tell me about it," Ron said. "Why are you looking at his hands anyway, Hermione?"

"He teaches Potions, Ron. He's always using his hands. I was just trying to point out to you that if someone doesn't fit your notions of what is sexy, someone else might have a very different idea. I'm sure a lot of witches are interested in him" Hermione said.

"Okay, whatever," Ron continued. "So maybe he has sex, eww gross, but if he does it's with men. He's queer that way you know."

Harry felt himself grow quite hot. He hoped his face wasn't as red as it felt.

"Ron!" Hermione scolded.

"How do you know that?" Harry asked, without thinking.

"Bill told me. It's gross to think about, isn't it? And don't you see the way he looks at his Slytherins. It's depraved."

Harry was very quiet. But Ron prodded him: "Don't you think Harry?"

"Yeah," Harry forced out in a quiet whisper, not knowing what else to say.

The fates seemed determined to contradict Harry's thought that this moment could not get any more awkward. From behind the stone pillar, Harry heard that distinctive voice speak: "Your impertinence, Mr. Weasley, never ceases to astound. 50 points from Gryffindor. Now get on to class."

At that moment, Harry felt as though he was going to throw up. Slowly, he turned around.

"Potter, I'll be seeing you in detention tonight," Snape said coldly, a menacing gleam entering his eyes. "Do NOT be late," Snape finished and silently swept down the hall.

--------------------------

At dinner that evening, Hermione was berating Ron for his earlier comments.

"Ron, really it was horrible what you said. I think you should apologize to Professor Snape."

"Absolutely not. He's a git, Hermione. No way," Ron asserted.

"Fine. I'm sure Harry will be happy to take the full force of the blame tonight in detention."

"Sorry mate," Ron offered unhelpfully.

Harry wasn't listening. He was thinking that the detention was the least of his worries. He couldn't say that he was surprised by Ron's feelings on the subject of same-sex relationships, but he still couldn't help feeling disappointed in his best friend. He hoped that Ron's distasteful remarks were directed specifically at Snape rather than the concept as a whole. But the whole incident had sparked the idea in Harry's mind that perhaps Dumbledore was in the minority of people who thought such feelings were normal.

--------------------------

Harry took a deep breath before entering Professor Snape's office.

Snape was sitting at his workbench, apparently grading papers while keeping careful watch over a potion that was gently simmering on the table. He did not look up, but spoke in his usual contemptuous tone: "You will scrub all of the cauldrons in my workroom until they are spotless. And since one detention is apparently not enough to knock some respect into you, after you finish, you will inventory my potions cupboards in my workroom and office."

"But sir," Harry starting pleadingly, "tomorrow is Saturday, and I have Quidditch practice early in the morning."

"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you went and opened your foul little mouth with your friends," Snape spat. "And if you want to make it to your precious Quidditch practice, I suggest you get to work and stop gawking at me."

Harry said nothing, but he felt his blood boiling in anger. He hadn't even earned the first detention - that was Parvati's doing. And the second back-to-back detention that Snape had imposed, well, that was Ron's fault. Yes, Harry had reluctantly said he agreed with Ron, but if Snape only knew what was really going on inside his head as Ron was saying those horrible things. As Harry worked, he ran Ron's comments over in his head, and again wondered if Dumbledore was perhaps humoring him with the reassuring comment that he was normal.

Well past 1:00 am, Harry had finally finished cleaning the cauldrons and the inventory of Snape's workroom and now moved back out into the office to finish the inventory there. Snape was writing something down, while simultaneously stirring and adding droplets of some unknown liquid to the cauldron he'd been watching over the last 6 hours. Occasionally, he would take a sip from a glass that Harry suspected was some sort of alcoholic beverage. Harry had been watching Snape's hands for some time now. Hermione was right. Snape's hands were gorgeous! How had he not noticed them before? The way he held that quill nearly made Harry's heart stop. He would have to send flowers anonymously to Hermione for making him take notice and giving him something else to fantasize about. As he watched Snape, Harry couldn't help but wonder if this was what the Potions Master did every Friday night.

"Do you always work this late, sir or just when you have a detention?"

Snape did not look up at him and continued his writing. "Do you really think I'd stay up to baby-sit you if I wasn't working here anyway? You do flatter yourself don't you, Potter."

"Professor...I wanted to say that I'm...I'm sorry about what Ron said about you. And that I don't agree with what he said." Harry was embarrassed by how weak his voice sounded.

No response came from Snape.

"Professor?" Harry asked.

"You are laboring under the delusion that I care what rumors your imbecilic friends spread about me."

_Rumors? So it's not true? _Harry thought, feeling oddly disappointed.

Harry wasn't sure what compelled him to speak. "I could take care of it...Ron, I mean, the rumor, as you said, I could...if it's not true..."

Snape still had not looked up or acknowledged Harry.

Harry continued: "So it's not true then?"

The quill which had been making scratching noises for some time now abruptly halted its movements. Snape lifted his head, his eyes meeting Harry's and Harry stifled a shiver. Snape's glare said it all, but he spoke anyway: "For your sake Potter, I am going to pretend you did not just ask me a question whose answer is none of your concern."

"Oh okay. Sorry Professor."

Snape went back to his work.

After a minute of so, Harry felt compelled to speak again. "It's just that I...the thing is I..." Harry was unsure of how to finish his thought.

Snape did not look up, but spoke after an annoyed sigh. "Potter you are trying my patience - finish your thought so I can go back to my work in peace," he said, his lip curling in annoyance.

The gesture was not lost on Harry. He felt flushed. _I can't believe he's even talking to me. It must be whatever he's drinking!_

Harry was not sure where he mustered up the courage to continue with his question. Thinking back on it later, he thought it might have been the fumes from the cauldrons. Or perhaps it was being down in the dungeon in the middle of the night with a man he harbored a secret crush for that created a false sense of intimacy that emboldened him.

"I didn't mean to pry sir. I just wanted to know...if it's normal is all."

"What? Be specific Potter."

Harry was sweating now. He tried to remain calm. _I'm deep in it now, might as well finish._ "I mean, if you're..._that_ way...if that's normal. That came out wrong - I didn't mean if you're normal. I uhmm...I mean, do you think it's normal to be that way?"

Harry was worried Snape was going to hex him, but oddly enough, Snape looked only mildly annoyed, and surprisingly, not particularly murderous. _What is he thinking?_ Harry wondered.

Snape was deep in thought. _Potter looks sick, almost like he's in pain. It doesn't look like he's being his crude usual self. Hmm. Interesting._

"Potter you're babbling," Snape said, his voice raised. He added quickly: "And sit down before you fall down and make more of an inconvenience out of yourself. I don't want to have to call Poppy down here."

"Thanks sir. It's just that I had 'the talk' yesterday from Dumbledore, well sort of."

"The headmaster talked to you about sex?" Snape asked, unable to hide an amused smile.

Harry felt his heart leap out of his chest. He had never seen anything resembling a smile cross Snape's face before. Harry never wanted it to go away, but a second later it was gone, and Harry wondered what it would take to get Snape to smile for real.

"That must have been something Potter. Lemon drops and pumpkin pies. I take it you got this special treat because of all your extracurricular activities?" Snape said, slipping quickly back into his usual biting humor. "Seems at least the Headmaster didn't need to explain the mechanics of it to you, seeing how _busy _you've been of late."

Harry quelled his annoyance. There was no good answer to this. He decided to ignore the comment and resume his original train of thought.

"Anyway, somewhere in that talk, he mentioned men liking other men," Harry said.

"He did?" Snape asked, he eyebrows raising in surprise. "He was being quite thorough wasn't he?"

"I guess. Well, he said it was normal, but my uncle - well you know they're Muggles - he doesn't seem to think it is...normal, that is. And I just wondered what you...well...because of what Ron said...I uhmm..." Harry was once again unable to find the right words for his awkward questions.

"Potter, there are plenty of books on this subject if you are interested. I'm surprised the Headmaster did not give you a book that covers this topic in fact, given his propensity for thoroughness."

_The book! I forgot! Damn! I can't believe I went through this torture without even looking in that book!_

Snape continued: "That said...your uncle's an idiot. Now, finish up. My potion is almost done. You have 20 minutes." Snape resumed his writing again.

_What kind of answer was that?_ 'Your uncle's an idiot.' Harry already knew that. What Harry didn't know was the answer to the original question he had asked Snape. _Damn his vagueness!_

Harry finished up quickly and left, thanking Professor Snape on his way out.

Snape wondered what was going on with Harry Potter. Was he just curious or was he confused? _Why do you care Severus?_ _He is quite handsome. Why did I just think that? _Snape snapped himself out of these musings. _Three girls in one week - all the evidence you need!_

---------------------

A/N: Hoped you enjoyed this one - I really liked writing it. Read and review please. Specifics are appreciated.  
The next chapter will be: Chapter 4: Sacrificing a memory.


	4. Sacrificing a memory

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
**Warnings for Chpt 4: **child abuse, mild pre-slash

**The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
****Chapter 4: Sacrificing a memory**

Harry was making his way towards Dumbledore's office, wondering why the Headmaster wanted to see him on the last day of the term. It was already late and the Hogwarts Express was departing early the next morning for London. Harry was hoping, although he knew better, that Dumbledore was going to let him stay at Hogwarts this summer, instead of sending him back to the Dursleys. He wouldn't ask, of course, but he could still hope.

As he stepped into the office, he was surprised to find Professor Snape there, already seated. After sitting down, Dumbledore spoke first.

"Severus, Harry has expressed some things to me in our last meeting that I think we should discuss."

Harry tried unsuccessfully to conceal the look of horror in his eyes. Had Dumbledore figured out that he had a crush on Snape? Was he crazy enough to bring it up?

"Professor—" Harry said, trying frantically to interrupt Dumbledore.

"It's alright Harry," Dumbledore said smiling. _So it is true,_ Dumbledore mused,_ I guess I'm not that old after all_. "Although I have opposed extra Defense Against the Dark Arts training for Harry in the past, I have reluctantly agreed to grant him his request of extra lessons."

"I am loath to ask how this concerns me Headmaster," Snape said.

"I'm sure you know the answer to that Severus," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"Surely Lupin would be a better choice," Snape protested.

"You have a more intimate knowledge of Voldemort and what Harry will need to learn and prepare for. Also, your library on the Dark Arts and its Defense rivals that of all the wizarding schools put together, and with Durmstrang in the mix, that is saying something. Even being allowed access – supervised, of course – to your library would greatly benefit Harry."

Dumbledore hesitated for moment, before continuing: "In addition to Defense training, he will need to be instructed in Occlumency. Perhaps this time, he will be more successful. Of course, we will have to make some excuse about why he is spending so much time down in the dungeons. Perhaps we can say that he is taking extra lessons with you in preparation for the Potions section of the Auror qualification exam."

_Not more Occlumency!_ thought Harry. The idea of Snape being able to probe his brain was never an appealing one, but now with these newly forming feelings it was downright terrifying. Snape would have a field day if he found out. He could only imagine the jokes and torture he would endure in Potions.

Snape was the first to protest the whole idea. "Headmaster, surely you are aware of the...difficulties with me continuing to instruct the boy."

"Yes Severus, I had considered it," Dumbledore said softly.

Harry looked from Dumbledore to Snape. He sensed Snape's discomfort and suddenly understood. Harry spoke to Dumbledore. "This is my fault isn't it, Professor? It's about me looking at Professor Snape's memories last year. Sir, maybe you should teach me instead."

"Finally, after all these years, Potter has managed something sensible to come out of his mouth!" Snape said dryly.

But Dumbledore was not convinced. "Honestly, I believe that Professor Snape would be the best person to instruct you in these matters. If it was as simple as Professor Snape forgiving you for what happened this would be a simple matter."

_As if that's ever going to happen_, thought Harry and Snape simultaneously.

Dumbledore continued: "The problem Harry is that by doing what you did, you have disturbed the magical force between you and Professor Snape." Sensing Harry's confusion, Dumbledore continued: "Perhaps you are familiar with the Muggle concept of ying and yang?" Harry nodded. "Well the concept is very similar. You took something from Professor Snape, thereby transferring some of your magical energy to him. Since your offense occurred during Occlumency lessons, your magic is, shall I say, comprised, or adversely affected in this particular magical art."

"In other words Potter, you would be an even more pathetic study in Occlumency than you were before," Snape interrupted, adding with a sneer "_IF_ that is even possible."

Dumbledore put his hand up, silencing Snape. He spoke to Harry. "You would indeed find the lessons very difficult Harry. Therefore, we must consider a way for you to resolve this problem between you and Professor Snape to restore the magical balance. Some exchange perhaps?"

"Headmaster, you speak as though he ransacked my potions cupboard, which he has done on several occasions I might add, not _invaded_ my thoughts, memories that were expressly set aside so that he might not see them. I can see no way that this intrusion can possibly be erased, unless Potter has his most shameful memories torn from him and examined for my amusement!" Snape spat angrily.

"Severus, please calm down. Sit please," Dumbledore insisted.

"Okay," Harry said.

"Okay what Harry?" Dumbledore queried.

"Okay, take it. Take my most embarrassing memory – will that square things between us?"

"I wasn't serious Potter!" Snape said.

"I am," Harry said.

"I have no desire to see the inside of your mind anymore than I already have," Snape sneered. Snape looked over at Dumbledore's pensive expression. _The old codger is actually considering this_, he thought.

"Oh I get it! You don't want to restore the magic balance thingy or whatever. You want to have something to hold over me," Harry said angrily.

"I don't need to have anything _more_ to hold over you, you impudent boy," Snape said savagely.

"Gentlemen please," Dumbledore interrupted.

"I cannot see how a memory of Potter being sat on by his idiotic muggle cousin is going to restore the balance," Snape said.

"The memory itself is irrelevant Severus, you know that. It is the fact that Harry is willing to give it to you that is important. Now, I think Harry is making an admirable concession here. Do not take it lightly."

"Headmaster, I don't want to do this," Snape said firmly.

"Of course you don't. Maybe if we got this thing squared away you'd have to stop hating me," Harry continued.

"Rest assured Potter, that will never happen," Snape sneered.

Harry's anger was overcome by shock and sadness. The idea that Snape actually _wanted _to hate him was almost too much for him to bear. He felt as though he were going to cry. Desperately, Harry willed his eyes to remain dry.

Snape noticed Harry's odd reaction and was taken aback by it. He had not intended to have such vehemence behind his words. But why did Harry care what he thought of him?

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Severus," Dumbledore said chidingly.

"Of course Headmaster."

"I think it is not me to whom you owe the apology." But Dumbledore did not pause for it. "Harry your offer would most certainly restore the balance of magic between the two of you. Now, if you are still willing, the way this would work would be that I would extract the memory from you. But rest assured Harry, I shall not see it."

"How will you know which one it is then?" Harry asked. Snape noticed the boy going quite pale. Dumbledore did not seem to pay it any heed.

"It will not be difficult," Dumbledore said gently. "You are likely already focusing on the memory right now, it will be foremost in your thoughts."

By now, Harry was sweating profusely. Despite himself, Snape began to wonder what this memory was.  
"What's the matter Potter, thinking of changing your mind? Is your Gryffindor bravery waning?" Snape said cruelly.

"Severus," Dumbledore said sharply. "Please wait for me in my sitting room."

"Of course Headmaster," Snape said slightly annoyed and moved off to the sitting area.

"Now Harry, I'm going to extract the memory now and place it inside the pensieve. Since the train leaves tomorrow morning, I would ask that you leave the memory here over the summer."

"So then I won't have the memory at all?" Harry asked.

"Not at all Harry. What I propose is that after I extract the memory, you view it in the pensieve, hence creating a new memory of the old one. Now it will not be the same, of course, since this will be a memory of the events from the third person. But nonetheless you will retain the knowledge of whatever it is and after the summer, you will get your memory back. Does that sound acceptable my boy?"

"Yes Headmaster."

"Excellent. Now let me just empty this out," Dumbledore said, moving towards the stone basin. Dumbledore reached his wand into the pensieve and all the strands of silver congealed onto his wand. He carefully transferred them into an empty cobalt blue glass container that was sitting next to the pensieve. Slowly, he moved his wand up to Harry's right temple. Harry closed his eyes. He felt a tugging sensation, and upon opening his eyes, he observed a strand of silver clinging to Dumbledore's wand. Suddenly, he realized that he had no idea what the memory was that Dumbledore was transferring to the basin. The feeling was a bit unsettling – being aware that something was missing from his mind.

"I've extracted the memory, Harry and now I shall leave you to enter the pensieve and view it." Dumbledore began to move away, but stopped and leaned closer to the boy: "Harry, you realize also that after viewing the memory, you may decide to withdrawal your offer of restoring the balance of magic in this manner. It is alright if you choose to change your mind. When you decide, Professor Snape and I shall be waiting for you in my sitting room."

After Dumbledore stepped into the sitting room, Harry leaned over the pensieve and plunged the very tip of his nose into the silver pool. He felt that familiar tug as he was pulled into his own memory.

Dumbledore and Snape watched him from the sitting room.

"Headmaster, although I don't mind seeing the boy suffer, this is really not necessary. Perhaps we can find a better way to rectify this situation," Snape said, more kindly than he had intended.

"This is Harry's decision not yours Severus," Dumbledore said.

"Very well."

"Although I must say, you do seem rather protective of him – I would think you would be eager to have him embarrassed as you were." Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

Snape was fuming: "I am NOT being, as you say, _protective_," he said snarling the last word. "I simply have better things to do with my time than examining Potter's sticky, and most likely tedious experiences."

"Of course," Dumbledore said, his eyes positively sparkling. "Let's have some tea while we wait." Dumbledore snapped his fingers and suddenly a pot of ginger honey tea and a plateful of cardomon scones appeared – Snape's favorites.

After about 15 minutes, Harry walked into the sitting room, looking paler and more nervous than ever. He leaned against a chair for support before he spoke.

"Alright then. I guess I'm going through with this," Harry said, somewhat uncertainly.

"Are you certain Harry?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yeah I just want to get this over with. But I do have a condition," Harry added urgently.

"I'm certain you do," Snape said, smirking.

"I want you to promise that you won't tell anyone what you see."

Snape snorted loudly. "Unlike some people, Potter, I respect the privacy of others."

Harry looked up at Snape and said seriously: "I meant to tell you, but I never got the chance, I never told anyone about what I saw in the pensieve. Not even Ron or Hermione. And also, I wanted to apologize for looking in the pensieve in the first place. It was wrong and I'm very sorry."

Even Snape could not hide the surprise on his face. He was dumbfounded. Had the Boy-Who-Lived just apologized to him? Not possible.

Dumbledore all but beamed. "Rest assured Harry, Severus will keep this to himself as well."

-------------------------------

Three weeks had passed since Dumbledore had extracted Harry's memory, and Snape had yet to come to his office to view it. That evening at dinner, Dumbledore and Snape found themselves alone. All the other staff were either on vacation or at their summer homes. Dumbledore was smiling at Snape, who pretended not to notice.

"Have you tried the pudding Severus? It is quite delicious."

"I'm full," Snape grunted.

"Are you ever planning on coming up to my office and viewing Harry's memory?" Dumbledore inquired gently.

"Of course. I've simply been very busy, Headmaster." Why hadn't he viewed the memory yet, Severus wondered to himself. Last year he would have relished the opportunity – but somehow the look on Potter's face had taken all the fun out of the idea.

"There is no one else here, Severus. Why must you insist on such formality between us?"

Snape sighed, "Of course, Albus."

"You should do it soon. Harry will be here in two weeks to begin his lessons with you."

"I don't know why I'm even doing this, Albus. The boy is the worst Occlumens I've ever laid eyes on."

"True, Occlumency may not be Harry's strong suit. But perhaps a month of intense instruction before the term starts will set him on the right track. Even so, I'm sure he will excel in Defense – I think you'll find him to be quite impressive, Severus."

"Hmmph...we'll see about that," Snape snorted.

"Care to join me for a spot of tea?"

"No thank you Albus. I have work to do."

"Well then, goodnight Severus," Dumbledore said, moving away from the table.

"Albus..." Snape said stopping Dumbledore. "Perhaps I shall come by later and view the memory...and for that tea."

"Of course," Dumbledore said, a smile on his face.

Snape took a deep breath and stared into the pensieve. He had already recited the proper incantation in Latin that would restore the balance of magic, now all that remained was to view the memory. Dumbledore had left him alone to finish the job. Personally, he didn't believe this was really necessary. He never put much stock in the theories of magical energy balance. He had only offered it as an excuse to get out of the training the boy in the first place. But Potter had done the unthinkable and offered to restore the balance between them. _Stupid boy!_ He knew he should get this over with. Even though he thought this whole process was a load of malarkey, Dumbledore did not and it was no use arguing with him. Snape took another deep breath and put his finger into the silvery liquid. After a strong pull, he was standing inside Number 4 Privet Drive.

He was inside Potter's room, a small bedroom on the second floor, which it seemed could have not been anymore messy. Snape took notice of the calendar on the door. This was the summer after Harry's fifth year, the summer after he had lost Sirius, nearly exactly one year ago. Snape was about to turn around to look for Harry when the door burst open and Dudley barged in.

"Oh! Don't you ever get enough? I'm going to tell Dad you're playing with it again!"

Snape did not want to turn around anymore. _This is it! A 'caught in the act' memory. How adolescent!_

Snape heard Harry's voice from behind him, "Go on then. See if I care."

Dudley continued, "Why are you doing that anyway?"

_What a strange question_, Snape thought. _I think it should be obvious why he's doing that!_ But after a moment, Snape turned around to find Harry sitting in front of an open book, practicing wand movements. Snape was confused. Harry's bed was littered in his worn fifth-year books, with sticky notes marking various pages. _Potter must be bored, indeed!_ Snape was quite surprised to find that among them was his Potions text. Snape moved to get a closer look. The book was open to a section describing the properties of some of the key ingredients of Veritaserum. _Interesting._ Snape wondered about the other pages Harry had marked in his Potions text.

Harry answered Dudley, "Just going over some stuff."

"Why are you reading this?" Dudley asked, grabbed the Charms text from Harry. "This book says it's from last year? What, are you repeating?"

Harry responded quite calmly, "I'm trying to learn all the stuff that we never covered and the stuff I missed." _Or never bothered to learn in the first place_, Snape thought.

"So you're stupid then."

"You would know about that, wouldn't you Dudley," Harry shot back.

Dudley then began tearing at the book, destroying the pages.

"Stop it!"

"Or what? I knew you were stupid. Mom told me your mum and dad were both half-witted..." _Oh Potter's not going to like that_.

Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at Dudley. "Take that back and give me back my book."

"You can't do underage magic! You'll get in trouble," the boy was saying, in a worried uncertain voice.

"Try me," Harry spat. _Potter's got balls alright. But I already knew that._

The boy went running out of the bedroom, screaming "Dad, Harry pointed his wand at me. Dad!" _Imbecilic tattletale!_

Harry's uncle made his way hurriedly upstairs and met Harry in the hallway and screamed, "What did you do to poor Duddles? Did you point that thing at him?"

"I didn't mean to. He was destroying my book."

"And it's a good thing too. I'm sick and tired of your books and your school and your friends." Harry's uncle grabbed a fist full of his unkempt hair and began dragging him down the hall back towards Harry's room. "I will not stand for you disrespecting me any longer, boy. I take you in after your parents get themselves blown up and this is how you repay me?"

"I'm sorry Uncle Vernon."

Harry's uncle slammed the door shut and sat on the edge of Harry's bed. "Come here boy," he said motioning to his lap. Harry didn't protest and moved over his uncle's lap, as though he was accustomed to being spanked. Vernon began Harry's punishment, which Snape thought was a bit overzealous, but who was he to question it? After all, Potter did have a discipline problem, he thought. After twenty strokes, Vernon moved to get up and knocked some of Harry's books off the bed, including a magazine which fell open on the floor.

With a somewhat amused expression on his face, Snape recognized the content of the magazine – two men in a comprising position. Vernon did not seem at all amused and nudged Harry off of him as he reached for the magazine. Harry gulped.

"What is this?" Vernon yelled.

"I swear it's not mine. I think one of my roommates slipped it into my trunk before we left." The look on Harry's face convinced Snape of his honesty.

Vernon did not seem to care. "How DARE you bring this _filth_ into my house!"

"I swear it's not mine!"

"Don't lie to me boy! I knew you were one of those perverts. You've gone too far this time boy. Pull down your pants."

"What? Please Uncle Vernon, I'm sorry."

"Do it!" and with that Harry pulled his pants down over his hips quite easily given how they were three sizes too large.

Vernon pulled Harry to his lap. As he began pulling down Harry's underpants exposing his bare behind, Vernon started unbuckling his belt. "I'll teach you not to bring that filth into my house!"

"Uncle Vernon, what are you..."

Snape's whole body stiffened. _Oh Merlin, he's not! _He felt his throat go dry as he watched Vernon's hand undoing his belt – he struggled for breath as his eyes locked on the man's hand – and he stopped the memory. _I can't watch this...I can't. _Snape took a few deep breaths and tried to regain control. _It can't be what you're thinking. Potter would have told Dumbledore. _Snape adjusted his mental walls, focusing on calming thoughts as he tried desperately to clear the lump in his throat. _This is not you, Severus, _he repeated to himself._ Your father is dead. Finish this. _Snape opened his eyes and resumed the memory.

Vernon pulled his belt out of the loops, folded it in half and began hitting Harry with it. Despite himself, Snape sighed with relief.

"You're a freak, boy!"

Harry was clenching his jaw very tightly from the blows of the belt, but made no sound.

"Say it...I want to hear you admit it. 'I'm a freak'...say it!"

Another hard stroke with the belt and Harry forced out mechanically, "I'm a freak."

"Again!"

"I'm a freak," Harry repeated.

Vernon threw Harry off of his lap. "You make me sick. You're disgusting, you know that?" he said and left Harry's room taking the magazine with him.

After a few moments, tears began streaming down Harry's face, who had curled in a fetal position and began rocking himself back and forth. Snape heard him whispering under his breath: "I know I am. I know I am."

Suddenly Snape found himself standing in the middle of Dumbledore's well-lit office. He was feeling quite unwell. _Filthy Muggles!_ He pondered what he'd just seen. The physical abuse was over the top, no doubt, but it certainly wasn't the worst he'd witnessed. It was the emotional abuse he was unable to shake – he had never seen Potter so despondent, so resigned. And it worried him_. You're worried about Potter? What is the world coming to?_

Snape made his way down the spiral staircase and bumped straight away into Dumbledore.

"Albus," Snape stated simply.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, and not a beat later, "Is everything alright?"

"Of course."

"Would you care to join me for some tea?"

"More tea? We just had some."

"Won't you please indulge an old man Severus," Dumbledore said kindly.

After moving back up the staircase and taking their seats, Dumbledore poured Snape a cup and studied him carefully.

"Something has upset you, Severus." Dumbledore asked.

Snape paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. "I...I'm fine." A sharp look from Dumbledore made Snape reconsider his words. He spoke tentatively, "Albus, perhaps you should allow Potter to leave those Muggles for the rest of the summer if he wants to."

Dumbledore was looking concerned now. "Harry is already at Grimmauld Place. He arrived there last night after spending the required 3 weeks at Privet Drive. He'll be staying at the Order's headquarters for two weeks. The Weasley family is visiting with him."

Dumbledore could discern relief on Snape's face and he asked seriously, "Severus, is there something I should know?"

Snape thought on that for a long moment. Of course Dumbledore should know. And he would be livid! But he had promised Potter that he wouldn't share the content of the memory with anyone. And since Potter was not in immediate danger, it wasn't really necessary to break that vow.

"Perhaps Albus, but I promised Potter."

"Of course." After a moment, Dumbledore added, "Severus, are _you _feeling alright?" his eyes full of renewed concern.

"Yes, Albus of course I am," Snape lied. Foolishly worried that Dumbledore might invade his thoughts, Snape buried the dark memories that were uninvitingly resurfacing in his mind.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Snape wondered why Harry hadn't told Dumbledore about what had happened last summer – or anyone for that matter. _He told me. He left that memory with me. He must think I'm horrible for leaving him there. _Only a moment later Snape amended, _No more horrid that he already thinks you are, Severus._

Dumbledore broke the silence, "I am going to headquarters tomorrow night for a meeting. I shall check on Harry. Would you care to join me?"

"No. No need," Snape said dismissively.

"I shall tell him, Severus, that you were busy and that you've only just gotten around to viewing the memory tonight."

_He is reading my thoughts! Don't be silly Severus...Albus always says he doesn't do that. He is just too bloody perceptive for his own good!_

"Thank you Albus. Goodnight." As he made his way back to the dungeons, Snape wondered if he should speak with Harry about what he witnessed in the pensieve. He was beginning to wish he had told Dumbledore the specifics of the memory, so that he could have taken care of it.

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed - please keep it coming! I will try to keep up the frequent posts - but I have currently have this gap in the middle of the story that I need to fill - if I anticipate a delay for the upcoming chapter, I will let you know.


	5. Snape’s welcoming introduction

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
**Warnings for Chpt 5: **ultra mild pre-slash

**-**

**-**

**-**

**The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 5: Snape's welcoming introduction**

Harry had been at Grimmauld Place for two days. He was looking forward to spending two weeks with the Weasleys, and it was certainly nice to leave Privet Drive for the last time. Harry smiled at the fact that he knew he never would have to go back there again. The last three weeks had actually been the best he had ever had at the Dursleys. They left him completely alone. Granted he was bored, but being left alone in his room was certainly a good thing.

Harry heard the kitchen door open and watched as people began filing out. Another Order meeting he wasn't privy to. Dumbledore walked up to Harry and asked to see him in the drawing room.

"Harry, how are you my boy?"

"I'm fine, sir."

"How was your time with you relatives?"

"Boring, sir, but fine."

"No problems then?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

Harry was worried now. Did Snape say something to him? "No sir."

"Harry I wanted to tell you that Professor Snape has viewed your memory, and restore the balance of magic between the two of you."

"Oh." _He had said something! That git!_

Dumbledore seemed to read Harry's mind. "He didn't tell me anything Harry if you are worried. Also, I should tell you that Professor Snape just got around to viewing the memory last night. He was quite busy with work and hadn't gotten around to it until then. It seemed important to him that you know that."

Harry stared back in confusion.

"Is there something you wish to tell me Harry?"

"No Professor."

"Very well then. I shall see you in just under two weeks. Goodbye Harry."

-

**--------------------------------------------**

-

Harry had had a great two weeks with the Weasleys. Yesterday had been his birthday and he had had a great party. Even Hermione came up for the day with her parents. And now he was leaving. Even though he loved Hogwarts, he was not keen on the idea of going back there a month before the term began – with no one around except the faculty. And the idea that he would be spending most of his time with Snape wasn't too appealing either. Sure he had had a crush on the man – but it wasn't the same anymore. Before he could dream – and he knew they were wild dreams – but he could at least _dream_ that Snape felt something for him as well. But Snape had seen the memory now. And there was certainly no way Snape would ever be interested in him now. He only hoped Snape wouldn't berate him for being so helpless and pathetic in the presence of his Muggle relatives.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted by Ginny who entered the drawing room. They had become great friends last year. Besides Hermione, Harry had had no luck with having girlfriends...they all wanted to be his girlfriends. But Ginny was different, she had been seeing Dean quite seriously for years now.

"What are you doing in here all by yourself?"

"Just thinking."

"Are you depressed about leaving? Or are you depressed about having lessons with Snape for a month?" Ginny asked smiling.

"Both. It's going to suck having Snape on my back for a month. The man hates me."

"Well at least you'll be at Hogwarts. You know you love it there."

"Yeah I guess."

"I can tell there's something else bothering you...but I'm not going to pry. I'm going to miss you, Harry."

"Thank Ginny. Me too."

Ginny leaned over and gave Harry a hug.

"It's going to be alright Harry," she whispered in his ear, still holding him tightly.

Just as she was whispering those words to him, Harry noticed someone standing by the door.

"Must I always be witness to your nauseating love displays, Potter?" Snape asked, his voice brimming with annoyance. "Miss Weasley...I really thought _you_ had better taste. Apparently I was wrong. Potter, we're leaving in 10 minutes. Get ready and don't dawdle."

-

**--------------------------------------------**

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Harry had dragged his suitcase down to the kitchen and began his goodbyes.

Glancing over at Snape, Ron gave Harry a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry mate. Make sure you watch your back – try not to be alone with him."

"Yeah, that'll really be practical seeing as I'm going to be having lessons with him for a month!"

"Well at least you're going back to Hogwarts. It could be worse. You could be going back to Surrey."

Snape apparently overheard and jumped on their conversation, a growing fury in his voice, "Those Muggle relatives of yours didn't treat you well this summer, Potter?"

Harry knew exactly what Snape was driving at. He had to explain without saying anything obvious. Ron seemed incredulous that Snape was even asking.

"Actually, sir, my summer was fine. I basically spent the whole three weeks in my room alone. My relatives avoided me completely," Harry said.

Snape was studying Harry closely, as if trying to decide if he was telling the truth. Apparently satisfied, he said firmly: "Well hurry up with your sappy goodbyes. I don't have all day."

-

**--------------------------------------------**

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They flooed directly to Snape's office. The surroundings made Harry nervous – he'd only ever been in Snape's office for detentions before. Snape broke the silence, "I'll give you an hour to get yourself settled in Gryffindor tower. I expect you to be back here by then so we can begin."

"We're starting today?" Harry asked surprised.

"Of course. I see you're already daunted by the prospect of hard work. Perhaps this arrangement is going to end before it begins. I do not tolerate laziness, Potter," he sneered.

"I didn't mean...Never mind. I'll see you in an hour."

-

**--------------------------------------------**

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When Harry returned, he spotted Dumbledore's pensieve sitting on Snape's desk. Snape could sense Harry's discomfort and decided that now was certainly not the best time to broach the topic of his memory.

"Before we begin, I want to make it clear that I am doing this as a favor to the Headmaster and for the purposes of defeating the Dark Lord. I am most certainly not doing it for you. Is that understood?"

"Perfectly sir," Harry said with a smile. Snape would have never believed him, but his words were comforting. He was worried that Snape would treat him differently after having viewed his memory; the last thing he wanted was pity. He should have known that Snape would do nothing of the sort. If there was one thing he could always count on Severus Snape to do, it was to never give him special treatment for being different. He never cared that Harry was the Boy-Who-Lived, the Parselmouth, or the prophesized Savior of the Wizarding World. He was never more grateful than now.

"Wipe that stupid smirk off your face, Potter, and listen carefully. As I said, these lessons are supposed to make it harder for the Dark Lord to kill you, which he will no doubt, eventually do. If you have any hope of survival, however, you will do as I say. Your comfort level with these lessons is meaningless to me."

"Big surprise there," Harry mumbled.

"No doubt. We will be learning about dark magic and plunging deeper into Occlumency than you have ever before, and I cannot have you whining about me glimpsing your memories of snogging with your latest girlfriend or some such thing – the Dark Lord will certainly not allow that luxury. More on that another time, but for now if you feel the need to complain in any capacity, it should not be to me. If you want to abandon these lessons, by all means do so – I daresay you will be doing me a favor. I'm sure that our newest DADA twit Richards would be quite qualified to teach you all about pixies. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Now regarding Occlumency—"

"Professor may I ask a question?"

Snape sighed, "Very well, but don't make a habit of it."

"Why isn't Professor Dumbledore teaching me Occlumency? Clearly you don't want to be doing this."

"I believe the Headmaster derives some sort of twisted enjoyment out of my suffering, particularly when it involves ridiculous Gryffindors such as yourself. That notwithstanding, I'm sure he has his reasons. Perhaps he is still worried about the Dark Lord using you as a conduit to him. Personally, I believe there is yet another reason. I have no doubt that he is aware that he would not be the best teacher for you. Albus Dumbledore is a great wizard, but he would without a doubt coddle you to no end. I can only imagine him, bending over your limp body on the floor, worrying about your well-being."

"And you don't care?"

"Precisely. You _are _paying attention. What a treat for me, Potter," Snape said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Now, although I do not anticipate you to actually succeed as a true Occlumens given your pathetic displays in your fifth year," Snape said, ignoring Harry's angry glare, "I do expect you to not make a complete fool out of yourself and to at least _try _to learn something. Is that asking too much?"

Harry was incensed. "I was trying."

Snape snorted, "A pity then. Now, since these lessons are outside the purview of the normal Hogwarts curriculum, I, and I alone, am in complete control of them. I expect you to listen and do everything I tell you and not question my orders every five minutes. Is that understood?"

"Yes."

Snape's voice lowered to a soft whisper, "Your underdeveloped mind cannot possibly comprehend the magnitude of what I am _prepared_ to teach you if you indeed prove as capable as the Headmaster seems to think you are. Now follow me."

Snape indicated the door directly opposite his desk, "As you know, that is my workroom and laboratory. This door here," Snape said, pointing to the large oak door at the far end of the room, "is the entrance to my private quarters." Harry followed as Snape made his way through this door. It was a sitting room. The room was austere, but looked quite comfortable. Even more surprising, the color black was nowhere to be found – light and dark shades of brown dominated. A large dark leather brown chair and sofa were arranged around a small coffee table in front of the large hearth. Staring at it, Harry realized how unnaturally cold it was in the dungeons when he thought of starting a fire (in August!). There was a medium sized table with two chairs on the other size of the room. The walls were lined with shelves that were crowded with a variety of magic artifacts and antiques, including old and unique potions bottles. Snape pointed to the door at the back of the room.

"That door leads to my bedroom. It is, along with my workroom, off limits to you under penalty of death, unless given express permission otherwise. I assure you that I do not say that in jest, Potter."

Snape then moved behind the table. "Potter, come here." Harry moved behind the table as well, facing the empty wall as Snape was. "Do you see anything?"

Harry looked at the wall. Was he supposed to see something?

"No sir. Am I supposed to?"

"Of course you're supposed to, foolish boy. Would I ask you to stare at nothing? Use your magic and find it."

Harry moved his hand towards the wall and he felt it immediately. The magic was strong here. He concentrated on its form. Soon, another door had appeared and Harry reached for the handle. When he opened it, he gasped. Harry was standing inside Snape's personal library. The room itself was quite small, perhaps five feet square. But as Harry looked up he was surprised that there appeared to be no ceiling – the books seemed to stretch up infinitely. There had to be at least ten levels. Dumbledore wasn't kidding. Harry couldn't even imagine how many books Snape must own.

"This is your library?" Harry asked in awe.

"Quite the astute observation, Potter. None of these books may leave my quarters. Some of them are too dangerous to be allowed outside this room, others are too valuable for me to trust you with them. As such, you will be doing most of your reading here. I have already adjusted the wards on my quarters to allow you entrance. You are free to read in my sitting room. I have already taken the liberty of pulling a few books out for you to start with." Snape pointed to the table in his sitting room, which had about 20 books on it. He reached for one in particular, entitled _Occlumency: The Theory Behind the Ancient Magic_.

"We will be starting your Occlumency lessons in three days time. I expect you to have read this book by then. I have decided to introduce the theory to you – perhaps this will improve your chances for success. I believe that a thorough understanding of the theory is warranted in your case, since you seem to possess no innate magical ability in this area," Snape said with a smirk.

"Do you have to keep saying that?" Harry snapped.

"Yes. Now here is the book. This one you may take out with you if you like. All the others will remain here. For tonight you may begin reading this one." Snape handed a book entitled _Dark Arts: A History_.

"Why would I need a book about the Dark Arts?" Harry asked, surprise in his eyes.

Snape snorted, "How can you possibly expect to defend against something which you know nothing about? Really Potter! Sometimes I wonder if you have a brain at all." Snape ignored Harry's outraged expression. "You must study the Dark Arts to learn how best to defend against them."

"Does Dumbledore know you're going to be teaching me this?" Harry asked skeptically.

Snape looked annoyed. "Were you not listening to me earlier? I am in control of what I teach you. Do not question me. But since this is the first day, I shall say that the Headmaster has the fullest confidence in me."

Harry noticed that that didn't answer his question.

"Now, get to work."

Harry eyed some of the other books on the table. _An Introduction to the Dark Arts, A Thorough Introduction to Defense Against the Dark Arts_, and _Is There Really a Defense Against the Dark Arts?_ Harry wondered idly what that meant and he reached for the book.

"That book is out of your league at this time Potter. It would read as gibberish to you at this time. Start with the one I gave you," Snape said and he moved to sit at his desk in his office where he began reading himself.

Harry settled himself on the couch in the sitting room and began reading. He was forced to admit that the reading was quite interesting. After a few hours, Snape's voice roused him from the book.

"It's late Potter. You may go. How was the book?"

"Fascinating sir."

"Yes, I thought you might think so," Snape said, a strange smirk on his face. "Never fear, not all your reading will hold your attention as well. We wouldn't want our Quidditch star developing a love for books now would we? What would your fans say if your Seeking abilities suffered?" Snape asked mockingly.

Harry didn't even bother to reply. He was so sick of Snape's insults by now. How many was that for the day? Why did he have to do that all the time? This was going to be a long month, Harry thought.

Harry started towards the door, but was stopped by Snape's voice, "Oh and Potter...you may retrieve your memory now."

Harry suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. He moved quickly towards the pensieve, accioed the memory and placed the tip of his wand to his temple, the memory reinserting itself. He wanted to run from the room, but he didn't want Snape to notice the sign of weakness. He determinedly moved at a normal pace. He was holding his breath, waiting for the snarky comment from Snape, the biting sarcasm he knew so well, the nastiness he had been the brunt of all day. To his surprise and relief, it never came.

Instead, a genuinely concerned Snape asked: "Mr. Potter, is there something you wish to discuss with me?"

Harry looked up at Snape, searching for a glint, a gleam of something nasty. He was surprised that he did not find it.

"No, sir. Thank you."

"Off you go then."

-

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**A/N:** Thanks for the great reviews. I'm glad people seem to be enjoying this story. I'm particularly happy people feel Snape is in character - this was my greatest challenge, but my main goal when I started writing this story. This gets more difficult as the story proceeds (obviously, since this isn't canon), but I hope I do succeed. Please let me know how you think I'm doing along the way.

Regarding the comment about whether Harry was raped - I don't like to give things away, but in this case I will. This is not a 'Harry is assaulted' story. The worst of Harry's abuse was portrayed in Chpt 4: sacrificing a memory. The trauma is mostly emotional, but of course not insignificant. The importance of this scene (to me) is Snape's reaction and thought process as he watches the memory.  
Lastly, to the reviewer who said my story was 'absolutely dark' - thank you. That pleased me to no end. This is totally what I'm going for - and believe my story darkens significantly as it proceeds. Wait for chpt 13!

Next chapter: 'Snape's foolish wand waving' (and no, this isn't sexual innuendo - you all will need to be very patient for that!)


	6. Snape's foolish wand waving

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed a couple of one-liner quotes from GoF...  
**Warnings for Chpt 6: **mild pre-slash

**The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
****Chapter 6: Snape's foolish wand waving**

When Harry entered Snape's quarters on the morning of their first Occlumency lesson, he saw that Snape was removing a glowing strand of silver from his temple. Harry noticed that Dumbledore's pensieve, which sat on the table, was teaming with silver.

Despite himself, Harry could not resist questioning Snape, "I thought you said we weren't doing that."

"We're not, Potter. And watch your impudent mouth or I will take away your voice for the rest of the summer," Snape snarled. "I shall not tolerate your insolence. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Now, let's see if you were paying attention yesterday. What are the most difficult thoughts and memories to disguise, Potter?"

Harry struggled to remember word for word, "Ones that are recent, vivid or emotional."

"An oversimplification, but adequate. As such, you will keep your mind intact so that you may learn how to control your connection to the Dark Lord."

"But—"

"Don't interrupt me Potter. I shall be teaching you basic Legilimency." Noting the look of shock on Harry's face, Snape continued, "Don't get ahead of yourself Potter. You are no Legilimens by any stretch of the imagination, but I shall endeavor to teach you the fundamental concepts of this magical art with the deluded hope that you may understand the mechanism and technique behind it. Theoretically, this should put you in a better position to ward off such attacks. Legilimency may also prove useful in the event you need to communicate your thoughts directly to someone without speaking." Snape eyes narrowed, "What this means is that we will both be accessing each other's minds, dreaded as the prospect may be to both of us. Given your limited abilities, you will surely require a great deal of help on my part. In order to be instructive, this process requires that the basic structure of our minds, specifically the organization of thoughts and memories be left undisturbed. I assure you that I shall be discreet with what I see, and I shall hold you to the same oath – although I very much doubt you'll progress far enough for me to be concerned with your discretion."

"But then what about those memories I saw you removing earlier?" Harry asked.

"Trust me Potter, those are memories you _would not_ want to see. In fact, I daresay the Headmaster would have my head if you did," Snape said, unconsciously rubbing his left arm.

Harry eyes widened in understanding.

"Are you ready?"

"I think so," Harry said uncertainly.

Snape did not balk at Harry's hesitation, "I suppose we'll just see about that now, won't we? Legilimens."

Harry was completely unprepared for the force of Snape's entry. It had been a long while since someone had forced his way into his mind and Harry had forgotten how uncomfortable the feeling was. Images and fragments of his memories were flashing before him. It appeared that Snape was not looking at anything in particular – instead, he seemed to be waiting for Harry to mount a defense. Harry tried frantically to clear his mind of emotion and thought, but he was beginning to feel dizzy. He heard Snape's voice, strongly echoing in his head, "I'm already in Potter, that's not going to help you. You need to force me out." Harry's head was beginning to swim and he found himself unable to do anything – Snape's hold on his mind was simply too strong. The sick feeling seemed to go on forever and then suddenly, Snape released him.

Harry found himself kneeling on the floor, struggling for breath. Snape stared hard at him and spoke in a scathing voice, "It seems that not only have you not improved, you have managed to get worse, if that is possible. Did you even bother reading the book I gave you?"

"Yeah, but I didn't understand most of it."

"You could have said so and saved me the trouble. I suggest you reread it and write a detailed summary of each chapter. I'll expect the first two by tonight. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something productive with my day," Snape spat in annoyance.

**-  
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Just under two weeks had passed since Harry had been at Hogwarts. Having just finished lunch, he was working on a letter to Ginny.

_Aug 11_

_Dear Ginny,_

_Happy Birthday! How is the rest of your summer getting on? I can't tell you how much I'd like to be at the Burrow with you, Ron and the rest of the family. My lessons are even more horrible than I thought they would be. We work all the time – so much for summer vacation! But I hope it will pay off in the end. I miss you and I hope you have a great Birthday._

As Harry was signing his letter, he felt Snape's imposing presence behind him.

"I see you're writing your girlfriend. How touching."

Harry spun around, annoyed that Snape was reading over his shoulder, "She's not my girlfriend."

"Ah, another quickie then, Potter?" Snape asked mockingly.

"Don't talk about her like that! We're friends, that's all."

"I don't give two wits about your love life, Potter. Let's get started."

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Harry was acquiring an increasing distaste for Occlumency day by day. Although they were mostly focusing on theory these days, whenever Snape decided to test Harry's practical progress, the end result was always the same: Harry lying prostrate on the ground, drooling, gasping for breath and Snape pacing menacing circles around his aching body telling him he was an undisciplined idiot.

On the other hand, Harry was having considerable more success and certainly more enjoyment during their Defense training. He wasn't learning any dark spells, of course. _That would be too cool_, he thought. When Snape said they'd begin his training with simple defensive spells he was disappointed. Given his work in the DA, he thought that was going to be dull. He should have known better. Snape was teaching him much more than the techniques of spell casting. He was teaching Harry how to think on his feet, how to do magic without thinking – to do magic when there was no time to think, just feel. Harry realized how crucial this skill would be if he were dueling with someone who didn't require verbal spells and therefore had the significant advantage of surprise – someone like Snape for example. As Snape explained the concepts of using this 'no thought' approach to concentrating his magical power, Harry wondered briefly if this approach was the prelude to wandless magic.

-  
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-

-

Today they were in the midst of another one of their duels. Harry had blocked one of Snape's hexes with a shield charm that Snape promptly dissolved without effort. In response, Harry cast a full force immobilization charm at Snape, who coolly reflected the spell back at Harry, incapacitating him. _Wow! I didn't even know you could do that_, Harry thought. He had never seen a reflection spell before.

Snape was smirking at him. As he stalked towards Harry, wand raised, his long robes billowing, Harry met his dark, piercing stare – and Harry could feel the intensity of Snape's magic. The sheer force and potency of Snape's energy sent electric sparks prickling throughout Harry's body. Harry wondered in astonishment how this man could have ever referred to what he had just done as 'foolish wand waving.' The man was incredible. He was power personified. And it was sexy beyond imagination.

-

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It was that first glimpse of Snape's true command over him that had started the dreams in full force. Snape stalking towards him, Snape pressing his body against his, Snape's hands touching him. If only he could live in his dreams. Remembering that nothing he thought was no longer private, Harry decided it was time that he devote his energy to studying Occlumency and keeping Snape from discovering his fantasies – that would be too mortifying for words.

**-  
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**-------------------------------------------**

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Snape noticed that Harry had been practicing. Although he had not improved his ability to expel Snape from his mind, he was able to withstand the assaults for longer periods of time. At least it was some sort of progress – however limited.

"And not a moment too soon," Snape said sardonically. "I was about to tell the Headmaster that you were a lost cause and we should just surrender to the Dark Lord."

Harry cast Snape a hateful look.

"Once again, Potter you let your emotions control you instead of the other way around. You might try practicing not displaying your emotions so obviously. It makes you particularly vulnerable to sudden unexpected assaults."

"I don't understand. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Surely you are aware that not all Legilimency requires that the 'Legilimens' spell is cast on you. While the spell is necessary to gain access to specific memories or details of thoughts, it harbors the disadvantage of the subject feeling the caster of the spell pulling at their mind. An excellent Legilimens such as the Dark Lord does not require 'Legilimens' to scan your mind during casual conversation. He may access basic thoughts or emotions, such as signs of deception, hate, joy, anything."

Harry shifted uncomfortably to this new information. He asked, "Can you do that?"

"I can, although it takes a great deal of effort for me to do so undetected. It is therefore not something I do routinely, _however, _I may just make an exception in your case, Potter, so I recommend you practice," Snape said, with a smirk on his face.

Harry was not pleased by this news.

Snape continued, "If you can learn to keep your mind clear for extended periods of time, it will prove much easier for you to do so when it is required of you. Did you not wonder how it is that I am always a few steps ahead of you in our duels? Your mind is wide open to me. You must learn how to use Occlumency to keep your mind closed during our duels as well." The look on Harry's face betrayed how difficult he thought that would be. Snape sighed in annoyance, "It is not easy Potter – stress makes it particularly difficult. But you have no hope in succeeding if you do not learn this skill."

"I had no idea that you could scan someone undetected."

"Yes," Snape said. "Albus is a master at it by the way – and it drives me mad! Although he has the _gall _to claim he doesn't use that particular skill," Snape snorted, but his eyes betrayed his amusement.

Harry smiled. It was a rare moment indeed when Snape spoke to Harry as he would a colleague.

"Shall we begin?" Snape barely gave Harry a few seconds before speaking again, "Legilimens."

Harry was once again dizzied by the flood of memories flashing before him. After a minute or so of this, Harry finally managed to ask Snape, "What am I supposed to do?"

Snape's voice replied clearly in his mind, "Idiot boy. You need to force me out by pushing back against the connection I have forged between our minds. Here, I shall endeavor to make it easy for you, since you seem completely incapable yourself."

Suddenly Snape had focused on a specific memory – a very happy one. _It was Harry's third year, and he was flying Buckbeak over the great lake at Hogwarts, his arms outstretched._

Snape's voice interrupted the exhilaration he felt, "Focus and push with your mind. Think of it as a tug of war. Visualize a rope between us – it is the connection you must either break or push against."

"I can't see it," Harry thought.

Snape sighed, "Here let me show you, you dunderhead." Suddenly a strand of red light became visible to Harry. He focused his mind and pushed back.

A new memory had appeared. _A woman dressed in a dark green robe cradling a dark haired child no older than 6 in her arms. "I love you Severus," she said. _Without warning, the image was gone.

Harry was panting. "That was your mother?" he asked.

"How incisive of you, Potter."

"She was beautiful," Harry said, with a strange knowledge that she was no longer alive.

"I know," Snape replied, a softness in his voice that Harry had never heard before.

After a moment, the familiar Snape voice returned, "Let's try it again, something a bit harder this time. I'll show you the connection again, use it."

_Harry in Dumbledore's office, flinging one of the Headmaster's delicate silver instruments across the room, watching as it shattered into tiny pieces. He was yelling, 'I don't care – I've had enough.' He threw another artifact into the fireplace. Dumbledore was speaking, 'By all means continue destroying my possessions – I daresay I have too many.' Harry's rage was swelling. 'I don't want to hear anything you've got to say!'_

Harry pushed back hard on the strand of red light, and found himself in Snape's mind once again.

_A small boy of about 10 was cowering in a corner, sobbing as a dark hook-nosed man shrieked obscenities at Snape's mother. The boy lowered his head and closed his eyes as the man turned his attentions to him, moving towards him menacingly. The man reached down, grabbing the boy's robes, pulling him forcefully off the floor and..._

Harry felt Snape wrench the connection between them and without warning Snape was in Harry's mind again.

_Harry shouting 'Expelliarmus' at Snape. Harry watching as Snape's body flew through the air and to the ground unconscious. Sirius and Lupin, their wands trained on Pettigrew, as Harry shouted for them not to kill him – to spare him and take him to the castle instead._

Sensing Harry's exhaustion, Snape broke the connection. Harry was lying on the floor again, his breathing ragged. Snape paced circles around him.

"Must you always do that?" Harry asked, eyeing Snape.

"Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?" Snape sneered.

"Yes," Harry admitted.

"Then yes." A moment passed before Snape spoke, "That was a very interesting memory, Potter. Would you mind telling me what that was all about?"

"You were there. You know what happened."

"Not the second memory. The one in Dumbledore's office. I hadn't realized you had the guts to stand up to the Headmaster that way," he said. Harry wondered if he was misreading Snape, but he could have sworn he heard admiration in his voice.

"That was right after Sirius was killed." Harry waited for the sarcastic comment.

"I see," Snape said simply. Changing the subject, he said, "Classes are beginning the day after tomorrow. I will expect you in my quarters after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. You are, of course, welcome to my library at any time. The wards will allow you entrance. I will not be any more lenient on you because you have classes – I know for a fact that were it not for your infernal obsession with Quidditch, you would have more than enough time to devote to these lessons and your normal coursework. You are dismissed."

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The first week of classes had gone by without event. Both Ron and Hermione were relieved to find Harry alive and seemingly no worse for wear. He had told them how dreadful the Occlumency lessons continued to be, but spent most of his time telling them about his amazing and ambitious defensive training. He also relayed to his two best friends – although Harry was sure one could not truly understand without witnessing it for themselves – the magnitude of Snape's power. Hermione seemed impressed and utterly unsurprised, while Ron seemed terrified, and half-expected Snape to come bursting through the door at any moment to kill them all. When pressed for more information, Harry held his tongue, afraid his descriptions might betray his renewed feelings for the man.

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Today was another dueling day. Harry had mixed feelings about these lessons. He enjoyed the magical rush he felt using some of the new spells he'd learned, and dueling was certainly better than Occlumency any day of the week. Also, dueling lessons also gave Harry the opportunity to see Snape in action. Part of Harry relished the chance – the man was incredible – powerful, almost godlike. But it also made Harry anxious. There were moments during their duels where Snape's eyes very overcome with a darkness that made Harry uncomfortable. In those moments, it seemed to Harry that Snape was losing himself in the struggle for control, the force of dark magic overtaking him.

Now in the middle of this exhausting duel, Harry – his robes scorched from the bolts of fire Snape had hurdled at him – was trying to find some way to immobilize Snape, who appeared to be barely breaking a sweat.

Harry focused and screamed a stinging hex at Snape, while simultaneously casting a silent immobilization spell. He had been improving on his silent incantations and he hoped that this would catch Snape off guard.

No such luck. Snape handled the double curses without difficulty, reflecting both spells, leaving Harry's body stinging in pain from head to toe and his lower body paralyzed. Harry lay on the ground, his legs having given way under his weight. He stared helplessly at his wand, which now lay on the other side of the room.

Snape was upon him immediately. Harry stared up at the man who was threateningly pointing his wand directly at his head.

"Get your wand," he ordered.

"How?"

"Just do it you imbecile!" Snape yelled.

Harry tried _accio _several times to no avail. This was ridiculous – there was no way he could summon something without his wand.

"I don't know how," Harry admitted.

"Are you even trying Potter? Or are you only capable of trying my patience?" Snape spat.

Another futile attempt, and Harry retaliated in anger, "I can't do it, damn it!"

A subtle flick of Snape's wand and Harry felt his chest compressing – squeezing the air out of his lungs. Struggling for breath, he wrapped his hands around his throat, begging for air. Snape stared at him without mercy.

"Please..." Harry gasped quietly.

Snape glared at him murderously and snarled, "Get your _bloody _wand or I'll rip you in half you pathetic little shit!"

Harry felt the crackle of Snape's magic against his skin. He did not doubt the man's words.

Harry only realized that he had spoken the summoning charm when he looked down at his hand, which held his wand tightly. He reversed the spells affecting him and as he gasped for air, his eyes remained locked on his wand. He was dumbstruck.

His wand had come to him – his first wandless magic!

He could feel the goose bumps on the back of his neck and his own magic surging inside him. The feeling was incredible, indescribable and utterly new.

"Wow," he whispered under his breath, in awe.

Snape bent down, squatting next to Harry, inches away from his face. "Liked that did you?" he whispered almost seductively, a knowing smile on his face, as if the two now shared a secret.

Harry stared into Snape's eyes and managed a nod.

Snape continued in the same low tone, "Almost better than sex isn't it?"

_I wouldn't know_, Harry thought, but returned his concentration back to Snape who was so close.

As Snape spoke, the low timbre of his voice hummed over Harry, like raw silk caressing him, "That's only the beginning, I assure you. It gets soooo much better."

_Merlin, I want to drown in that voice!_

As Snape stood, turned and moved off, the very edge of his robes brushed up against Harry. The resulting contact sent hot shivers running up and down Harry's body.

Harry didn't sleep a wink that night – reliving that painfully ecstatic moment over and over again in his mind.

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A/N: **Please** review. Next chapter "Too much information"


	7. Too much information

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
**Warnings for Chpt 7: **pre-slash, fantasy slash content

**  
A/N**: Everyone has been so overwhelming positive and great - I decided to treat you all with this short chapter right on the heels of the last. Enjoy.  
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**The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
****Chapter 7: Too much information**

As their Occlumency lesson progressed, Snape was setting an ambitious pace, moving onto increasingly emotional memories for Harry to contend with. Today however, the vivid memory he had latched onto happened to be, to Harry's horror, one of his recurring fantasies about the man himself.

_Harry, propped up against a wall, a veil of black cloth surrounding him. A man's hands were moving gently all over his body. _

'_Oh god no_,' Harry thought, _he can't see this!_ In just a moment, Snape would see himself and he would know.

_The hands that were caressing him had now quickened their pace and were now kneading his flesh urgently._

With deliberate effort, Harry managed to stop the thought from continuing, but he was unable to expel Snape from his mind. He heard Snape's voice clearly in his mind.

"Who was that you were fantasizing about, Potter?"

"No one."

"Ah...you don't want to tell me? Well, no matter, I'm sure I can find out if I just probe a bit harder," Snape taunted.

"You're a real jerk you know that?" Harry said in his thoughts, outraged.

"Perhaps I am...but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still in your mind. No whining Potter, remember? And I must admit, this is too interesting to ignore."

"Please..."

"If you don't want me to see, then don't let me."

As Harry felt Snape forcing the fantasy to resume, he managed to summon all his strength and will and drove Snape out of his mind.

"Well well...It appears you just need some motivation to produce results, Potter. Perhaps I should resort to such threats more often."

Harry didn't know what to say. He felt like he needed to explain what Snape had just seen, "It was just...I was just wondering...it was just some thoughts is all."

"Yes indeed," Snape smirked. "It was...quite illuminating, Potter."

Harry's curiosity won out over his embarrassment, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It appears that while in real life you are quite confused about what it is you want, judging from the detail in that fantasy of yours, your mind knows exactly what it wants."

Silence.

"Who was it, Potter?"

"No one."

"Oh, it was someone all right. That fantasy was too detailed for it not to be someone specific. I have a good guess," Snape said, noting the panic in Harry's eyes. "Someone as unimaginative as you – it's probably England's new seeker or some other Quidditch hero," Snape said with sarcasm.

Harry was relieved at how wrong Snape was, yet he couldn't help asking the question burning in his mind, "How did you know it was a fantasy and not a real memory? And what did you mean about the detail?"

"Come now, Potter, have you learned nothing? Real memories are clear. Pay attention."

Without warning, Harry was reliving their earlier conversation word for word, until Snape stopped the memory.

"How do you send someone specific memories like that?" Harry asked, grateful that the conversation had taken an academic turn.

"That's a lesson for another time and it is beyond your limited abilities at the moment. Back to my point, fantasies or non-real events are..._fuzzy, _for lack of a better word that you would understand, because the mind focuses on the main event itself, not the surrounded details. Here's a satisfying example."

_Hermione in Potions class, her hand raised. Snape calling on her. _Harry noticed that excluding Snape and Hermione, everything around them was fuzzy, not like a real memory._ After Hermione finishes her answer, Snape saying with a satisfied look on his face, "That is completely wrong Ms. Granger. Twenty points from Gryffindor for your stupidity."_

Snape had a faint smirk on his face as though he were still lost in that fantasy. He continued after a moment, "Now, it is often to one's advantage to invent a memory. The Dark Lord may need to know a specific piece of information that requires him to view a false memory. In the event, intense focus and concentration are required to make a fake memory appear real. Since you possess neither of these things Potter, I doubt your abilities will ever reach such a level, but nonetheless it is useful to know that such things are possible for wizards that possess true talent. In any case, the false memory must be short, 20-30 seconds at the most, because it is impossible to fake detail in anything much longer."

"Do you do that often? Fake memories?"

"When it is required of me. Of course, it is far easier for me to do so if I am prepared. A prepared memory is easier to pass off as the real thing. Your fantasy, for example, was quite detailed implying that you've been thinking about it quite a bit." Harry blushed. "Replaying something over and over again in one's mind makes it appear more genuine. Here's an example you will understand – one of my fantasies," Snape said, his eyes lighting up.

Harry swallowed hard at the sound of the word _fantasies _on Snape's lips.

_Harry in Occlumency lessons, standing mere inches away from Snape. Harry whining, "I can't do it, sir. I just don't know how." Snape, stalking up to him and placing his hands on Harry's neck. He begins squeezing. Harry is gasping for breath._

Once the thought ended, Harry met Snape's eyes and noticed Snape face smirking in amusement. Harry was not amused.

Harry asked angrily, "What the hell was that about?"

"What's wrong, does that bother you?" Snape asked in mock surprise.

"Well yeah, maybe you fantasizing about wringing my neck bothers me just a little bit," Harry said with heavy sarcasm.

Snape stared at Harry for a long minute, scrutinizing him. _Yes Potter, I can see why you're so upset, clearly you would prefer for me to wrap my hands around something else._

Examining Harry's expression filled face, Snape could scarcely believe what he had just learned – it was a little too much information for him. It was so obvious that he hadn't needed to resort to Legilimency at all – it was written all over the boy's face. Annoyed at Harry's inability to hide something so simple even after all their lessons, Snape decided to toy with Harry a bit.

"I would remind you that you have not been keeping your mind closed during this conversation."

"What?"

"You have not heeded my repeated warnings about keeping your mind clear at all times and I have been probing you without your knowledge." Snape reveled in Harry's look of horror for a moment before continuing, "For instance, I know that you are starving and you are hoping that that elf friend of yours has saved you some treacle tarts from last night's dinner."

"Is that all?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Is that not enough? Would you like me to keep looking?" Snape asked with a smirk.

"No."

"Then you're dismissed, Potter."

As Snape watched Harry collect his things and leave his quarters, Snape contemplated this new development.

Over the last six weeks he had come to learn quite a lot of things about Harry Potter. That was bound to happen when you spent endless hours in another's mind. One of the most surprising things was that Potter hated the fame! Being referred to as the Boy-Who-Lived or the Golden Boy infuriated him and it was his desire to be treated like every other wizard that was the primary reason Potter was so easily irritated and incensed in Potions class. Potter was a brave Gryffindor through and through, but not unexpectedly, he was scared of what lie ahead and his appointed role in the war. Snape had found Potter's realistic fear of the Dark Lord refreshing, but he was disturbed by the sad fact that Potter felt he had no one to truly confide in, not even his apparent best friends Ron and Hermione. In fact, Potter's very limited and short-lived relationship with Sirius Black was the only time in his life he had ever felt loved – sort of. _Why on earth do you care Severus?_ He didn't know why, but Snape was forced to admit the distressing fact that he had come to care for the insolent brat.

Another big shocker, Snape reflected, was that Potter was still a virgin. And his thoughts and fantasies had certainty suggested that Potter liked men. As tedious as it was watching the memories of Potter making out with his supposed girlfriends, it was also quite revealing – he did not like women, at all – even though he was apparently too confused to know that.

But now Snape had stumbled on Potter's fantasies for him. _Fantasies? That's too strong a word, Severus._ He knew it was probably nothing. The pair had been in close proximity for weeks. And now that Potter suspected that he shared his preferences, he had latched onto that commonality and was transferring his new, confusing feelings to the only person he knew shared them. That was perfectly natural and in itself did not worry him in the least. After all, Potter was an adolescent boy – they fantasize about everything that moves. He was not stupid enough to think that Potter actually desired _him_. What did bother Snape was his own reaction to this revelation. Dare he think it – he was amused – and not in his characteristic sadistic way. _Perhaps I should go speak with Albus about this_, Snape decided.

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**A/N: **Please review (don't forget I eat specifics for dinner).

My latest (and probably accurate) estimate is that this story will be 30 chapters long. Again, the story will take quite a turn (no, I won't say when exactly), so **PLEASE **read the chapter warnings for each chapter at the top before reading if you are the type of person who may be offended by things.

In the next chapter, entitled "Getting to know you," Harry and Snape bond - sort of. Is it even possible? Or am I just pulling your leg? You must read to find out...


	8. Getting to know you

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed some one- to two-liners from OoP. Thanks JKR.

**Warnings for Chpt 8: **pre-slash, strong language

**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 8: Getting to know you**

Occlumency lessons were as demanding and maddening as ever. Harry noted in frustration that although he was improving, Snape would always increase the difficulty to match his improvements – making sure he felt as incompetent as always. As a result, the sessions had become so exhausting that Snape thankfully limited them to once weekly. Harry was glad of it – he was sure his brain would be fried beyond recognition if they attempted any more. True to Snape's promise in their last session, today he had increased the challenge and complexity of their lesson almost exponentially.

Harry steadied himself and barely heard Snape mutter the spell to gain entrance before...

_Harry was in the graveyard - tied tightly, helpless to prevent what was about to happen. Struggling in vain as the point of the shiny silver dagger moved towards his arm, penetrating him._

"No!" Harry didn't want Snape to see this – this was too emotional, too raw, even now. _Please stop!_ he thought to Snape. No response. He was becoming dizzy, he knew he was about to pass out.

The memory stopped, and Harry found himself in that all too familiar position – lying prone on the ground, gasping for breath.

Snape was standing over him, scowling contemptuously at him, "Potter, you need to concentrate, you idiot child! How do you expect to ever learn this if you don't listen? You know what you need to do...now do it!"

Harry gave Snape a murderous glance. Snape returned it and spat, "Is there something you want to say to me, Potter?"

"No sir."

"Then get up off the floor."

Snape gave Harry a minute to catch his breath before invading his mind once again. He could _not_ believe that Snape had nearly managed to match the rawness of the last memory with another. How did he do that?

_'Come out, come out little Harry. Did you love him, little baby Potter?' Swelling fury and then his own voice shouting 'Crucio!' Bellatrix only knocked off her feet by the spell. Her response – cruel and taunting: 'Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy? You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain – to enjoy it... I'll show you how it is done, shall I? I'll give you a lesson –'_

Hatred overwhelmed Harry, but somehow he managed to fight against it and expel Snape from his mind.

"Not bad," Snape said.

Harry said nothing. He was still seething from the memory of that...that woman.

"Quite the demented bitch, isn't she?" Snape said with a smirk.

Harry was stunned for a moment, but replied, "Hell yeah." Was Snape being sympathetic, Harry wondered? _Not possible!_

"Alright then Potter, one more time. Something a bit more challenging, I daresay. Something tied to sense memory perhaps."

"Tied to what?" Harry started to ask, but was cut off by Snape lifting his wand, urging him to get ready.

_Harry was in the graveyard once more. 'And here is the boy you all believed had been my downfall.' Voldemort turning to face him, raising his wand and shouting, 'Crucio!' Harry's body in absolute agony – pain beyond imagination – his bones on fire, his head splitting open, his eyes rolling wildly in his head. _Harry heard himself screaming and wondered vaguely if it was the memory or if he was screaming now – the pain seemed almost real to him in that moment, and suddenly he understood what Snape had meant about sense memory. _He wanted it to end...he wanted to black out...he wanted..._

Snape stopped his invasion. Harry was lying on the ground again, his body twitching slightly. Slowly, he got up off the floor and noticed that Snape was studying him carefully.

"Did you want to die, Potter?" Snape asked. Harry was surprised that there appeared to be none of the usual snark behind the question.

"Yes," Harry answered honestly.

A short silence was followed by Snape's whispered response. "He'll do that to you."

Harry watched as Snape poured himself a large glass of scotch. _He is being sympathetic!_ Harry thought.

"Would you care for some scotch, Potter?"

Harry's eyes widened in shock. "Yes sir," he replied.

After sitting down in his usual spot on the couch across from Snape, Harry could not refrain from asking the one question burning in his mind, "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Go there...to Vol—" Harry stopped at the infuriated look on Snape's face. "...to _Him_," Harry revised.

"I have no choice."

"Of course you do. You could stay here at Hogwarts and just not go."

Snape took a large sip of his drink, "Such a choice is not for men like me, Potter."

A long moment of silence stretched between them.

"Does it always hurt like that?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Snape said without hesitation. "The trick is to learn how to bear the pain without losing your mind to it and to have a strong enough resolve to regain your faculties immediately afterwards."

"Will you teach me how to do that?"

Snape snorted in combined annoyance and amusement, "I'm sure that the Headmaster would love that! Are you insane, Potter? The Cruciatus is an Unforgivable – I thought that imposter Moody taught you about them! If not, Lestrange sure tried to."

"Sorry sir," Harry managed, taking another sip of the scotch. It burned his throat, but he wouldn't have given it up for anything – it was Snape's first unparalleled attempt at camaraderie between them. And it tasted good. He stretched himself out on the couch.

After their Occlumency sessions, Harry often found himself too exhausted to go straight back to Gryffindor tower. So he would lie down on the sitting room couch, drink tea and eat a substantial snack – usually the size of a second dinner, as Snape often pointed out. Just as he was getting comfortable, a house elf appeared on cue with his food and he began eating.

On such evenings, sometimes, if he felt up to it, he would help Snape grade first and second year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw Potions homework. Harry had been shocked the first time he had offered to do so and Snape had accepted. Most of the time, however, he would read for a bit before going up to dormitory. And sometimes he would fall asleep on the couch, only to be woken by Snape and urged to go to bed. He had been surprised the first time he had dozed off. At the time, the idea that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in the same room as Snape was hard to believe. But Harry soon found that, in fact, he enjoyed sleeping there. Yes it was a couch – an uncomfortable one at that – but he felt safe in that room, with Snape so close to him.

And tonight Snape had offered him scotch! Another not so subtle sign that the two of them were getting along – if you could call it that. A few months ago, if someone had told him he'd be drinking scotch with Snape in his private quarters on a friday night he would have thought them insane.

And while Snape was certainly learning a lot about Harry through his memories, Harry was also learning a lot about Snape. Not via Legilimency, he didn't have that advantage, but just by spending so much time with the man. They were little things, Harry mused – but for such a private man as Snape, the smallest pieces of information were priceless. Snape often had scotch in the evenings – always single malt. And on the occasions that they started their lessons early and ordered dinner in, Harry had noticed that Snape was quite the epicure. When it came to traditional foods, he had a discriminating taste, but he was also very adventurous, eager to try new ethnic dishes, however strange and unappealing they appeared to be. Despite not being the biggest fan of tea, Snape seemed quite fond of ginger honey tea and became unnaturally calm when he drank it.

Harry also came to realize that Snape was a great teacher. _If only Ron could hear me now_, Harry mused with a grin. Harry had never thought about all the work Snape had or the fact that he actually had to grade all their homework – he had always assumed Snape just gave grades semi-randomly. But to Harry's surprise, Snape was fairly meticulous with his grading and took his job as a teacher very seriously. Harry wondered how he could have ever believed different about this man.

Snape also enjoyed and excelled in chess. In fact, he had 5 different games going with various unknown persons by owl. Not surprisingly, Snape was obsessed with books and barely ever stopped reading. But Harry was surprised when one evening he noticed a letter on Snape's desk commending him on his 100th publication, and asking him to lead the editorial board for _Potions Quarterly_. It had never occurred to Harry that Snape was more than Hogwarts' Potions Master – that he published his research and that he was a highly respected scholar in his field. Once again, he wondered how he could have ever thought differently.

Now, watching Snape politely ask the house elf for some more ginger honey tea, Harry added another little fact about Snape to his list. He treated the house elves with the sort of respect he expected from Dumbledore.

"I've noticed you're very nice to the house elves, sir."

"They may be dumb enough to think they want to be enslaved, but that's certainly no reason to treat them that way."

"If Hermione were here, she would kiss you," Harry blurted out with a smile.

"Indeed?" Snape asked mischievously.

Harry flushed a bit and explained Hermione's work with SPEW to Snape. He seemed impressed.

"...Ron thinks it's stupid though," Harry finished.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley...intolerant as ever," Snape commented.

"Yes," Harry said, remembering his comments about Snape regarding his rumored sexual preference. He added, "...about a lot of things."

Snape did not miss a beat, "Ms. Granger, on the other hand, I daresay is quite the opposite. Am I correct in that assumption?"

"Yeah, she's big into equal rights and all."

Snape's voice lowered a bit, "It seems to me that she would make an excellent confidant for issues of a...personal nature."

Harry knew instantly that Snape was referring to the revealing fantasy he had seen in Harry's mind two weeks ago. He couldn't believe that Snape had brought that up. And that he was giving him advice on whom to speak to about it! _If he only knew that that fantasy was about him! I'd certainly never be sitting here drinking scotch with him, that's for sure._

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**A/N:** Please review. Thanks for all your positive comments on the last chapter - you all keep me going!

In the next chapter, 'A little too close or not close enough?' Harry has his hardest Occlumency lesson yet as they confront the memory from chpt4 head on. Will Harry crumble? Will Snape let him?


	9. A little too close or not close enough?

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings for Chpt 9: **SLASH content, child abuse

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 9: A little too close or not close enough?**

Another dreaded Friday! Harry remembered the days – they seemed so long ago now – when he looked forward to Fridays. Now Friday meant Occlumency. Even though he was still unable to prevent Snape's initial entry into his mind, his technique at expelling him had improved considerably.

Today's session began with an unexpected and unsettling question from Snape, "Potter, I believe we've been dawdling in this cautiously gentle approach far too long. Personally, I think it's time we took the plunge.Do you believe you are ready for that?"

Harry was taken aback. The past two months had been the cautiously gentle approach? That did not bode well at all. And perhaps even more worrisome was Snape's question. Snape had **never **asked him if he was up for anything. He just plowed over him and mocked his failure. What was he proposing exactly?

"I don't really know…I mean I guess so," Harry said uncertainly.

"Your vacillations are far from convincing Potter. Now is the time to tell me you don't think you're up to the challenge. Be warned that for this lesson to be effective, I shall not stop my assault under any circumstances."

"But what if I can't throw you out?"

"Then we'll be here all night with me inside your mind," Snape said flatly.

Harry gulped, but nodded, determined not to let Snape think he wasn't up to any challenge.

"Let's warm up a bit first. You may yet change your mind," Snape said. Harry steadied himself as best he could and waited for the spell. He felt it hit him and…

_Privet Drive. Harry was 11 years old, proudly (and foolishly) showing his wand to Dudley after his first year at Hogwarts. Uncle Vernon, pointing his finger at him, calling him a freak, screaming at him to put it away._

Harry quickly stopped the memory and forced Snape out of his mind. But as the realization of what was coming flooded his mind, he began to panic. He felt his blood run cold and his palms becoming wet with sweat.

"Panicking is certainly not going to make this easier," Snape commented. "I suggest you control your breathing and emotions before we begin, otherwise this will be a futile endeavor."

"Yes sir." Harry tried to comply. "How do you do this?" Harry asked in disbelief. Snape did not misinterpret his question, and answered the question in a surprisingly civil tone.

"It is not easy Potter. In fact, at times, it is overwhelming. You are here with me in the relative comfort of my sitting room – well fed, warm and unharmed. But can you imagine the focus and concentration required of you when you are excruciating pain? Can you envision clearing your mind of all emotion when you are facing the thing itself that you hate and fear the most? When you are standing in the front of the Dark Lord himself, all of these things become infinitesimally harder."

Harry couldn't even imagine – the idea of what Snape went through – it was unfathomable.

"So, do you send him the opposite feelings or do you just block your real thoughts?"

"It is far more complicated than that, Potter. Occlumency is a subtle art – you cannot simply hide your feelings and thoughts – it becomes all the more obvious that you are doing so. After the Dark Lord casts _Crucio _on you, for example, if you were to simply block all of your negative emotions, it would take him less than a second to realize that you were hiding your thoughts. And I do not expect that you would be alive for more than another second after that."

"Then how—," Harry started to ask.

"An exceptional Occlumens is able to selectively reveal certain feelings. In that specific case, I make sure to let the Dark Lord glimpse some of my feelings: pain, perhaps a bit of anger, shame. But then, I also let him glimpse specific emotions tied with old memories, masking the memories themselves, so that the emotion appears genuine and for the moment. So when I crawl up to him on my hands and knees as his supplicant and beg his forgiveness, he sees my submissiveness, awe of his power, devotion, and, of course, a little bit of fear. He eats that up."

Harry shuddered at the thought, but did not fail to realize the significance of this conversation. Snape was sharing something very personal with him – and for Snape, it probably the most personal thing there was. It was the first time he ever had ever discussed his work as a Death Eater spy with Harry.

After a moment, Snape spoke again, "Are you **sure **you are ready, Potter?"

Harry felt his heart begin to race, he struggled to control it. He nodded and felt the spell hit him.

_Harry, straddled over Uncle's Vernon's lap, his hand landing violent blows on his backside. Uncle Vernon seeing the content of the magazine. 'How DARE you bring this filth into my house!' _Harry struggled to regain his control but realized he was failing fast. _'I knew you were one of those perverts. You've gone too far this time boy. Pull down your pants.'_ The feeling of humiliation was dizzying.

"Get out!" Harry screamed in his head to Snape.

"Push me out Potter," Snape snapped forcefully.

"I can't. Help me."

Harry's voice was an urgent plea, unlike anything Snape had heard from him before. Snape paused the memory, but remained firmly locked in his mind.

Harry heard Snape's voice in his mind again, "Listen carefully to me, Potter. Focus on your uncle. Focus on everything you feel – all the hate, all the fear, all the shame, all the humiliation, everything. Are you feeling it?" Snape did not pause for the answer, he could feel the emotions overwhelming Harry. "Allow all of these emotions to consume you."

"How is that supposed to help?" Harry wondered in frustration.

"Now channel it. Ball it all up into a big mass and channel it away."

"To where? I can't do it…" Harry said in resignation.

Snape voice was strong in his mind, "Create a new space in the folds of your mind…deep down. As deep as you can go – so deep you can't even see it, can't even feel it. So deep it no longer affects you."

"Where?" Harry asked desperately, unable to fathom such a place.

A moment later, he **felt **Snape's reply, "Here." And Snape was touching him, not physically, Snape's mind was touching Harry's mind – someplace deep, someplace new and unknown to him.

"Can you feel that?" Snape asked.

"Yes," Harry responded. And it felt good – Snape touching him like that, it was unbelievably intimate.

Snape's voice reprimanded, "Stop thinking about how it feels Potter and focus."

_Oh my God, he knows what I was thinking_, Harry thought.

"Of course I do, foolish boy. Now pay attention. I am going to restart the memory, and you are going to do as I instructed – channel all the emotions down there, into that space."

_The blows of the belt. Harry gritting his teeth in pain. Vernon throwing Harry off of his lap. 'You make me sick. You're disgusting, you know that?' Tears streaming from Harry's eyes._

For a moment, Harry didn't think he could do it, but Snape touched that place in his mind again, and suddenly he felt a strong rush of magical adrenaline. He channeled everything he felt, all of those consuming emotions, deep into that space – guided by Snape's touch. And when he had finished, Harry realized how true Snape's words had been. All the emotion was gone – as if it never existed. He pushed hard against Snape's mind and easily forced him out. His exhilaration at his victory was very short-lived, however, because once Snape was out of his mind, the memory and all the associated emotions surged back with redoubled vengeance.

"You did it, Potter. Well done!" Snape said, in rare congratulations. The smile in his eyes faded immediately once he noticed that Harry did not look well. Studying the boy, Snape felt badly he had used that particular memory – but, he told himself, he needed something intensely powerful to demonstrate the technique. Why did he care? It was the right thing to do from a didactic perspective, yet he regretted having done it. What was more, he was disgusted with himself for having done it.

Harry was feeling very ill. He was sure that Snape was looking at him with pity and disgust – and it was too much to bear. He thought that he might faint. He moved quickly to the couch, turning his back to Snape, facing the fire. The emotions were completely overwhelming him now. Unable to control them any longer, he began to cry, in short quiet sobs, and he hoped that Snape would have the decency not to ridicule him for it.

Snape stood frozen. _Potter's crying! Bloody hell! Do something Severus. But what?_ Snape wanted to comfort Harry, but he was completely at a loss as to how to proceed. He forced him feet to move and he sat down on the couch next to Harry, wondering what he should do next. A moment later, he heard Harry's voice whimper through his sobs, "Maybe he's right, maybe I am disgusting."

"YOU ARE NO SUCH THING!" Snape bellowed vehemently, startling Harry. Uncertainly, Snape placed his hand on Harry's back and was surprised that Harry did not flinch at the touch. "You are no such thing," Snape repeated again, this time soothingly. Without warning, Harry leaned forward, pressing his face into the folds of Snape's robes, clutching them as if his life depended on it. Snape suppressed his shock as Harry sobbed against him, his whimpers muffled by the heavy layers of Snape's clothing. After a brief moment, Snape stiffly encircled his other arm around Harry. He began rubbing light comforting circles on Harry's back, in his attempt to reassure him that everything was alright.

Harry was lost in Snape's comforting warmth, the security of Snape's arms wrapped around him, holding him, rocking him softly back and forth – he never wanted to move.

After a few minutes, Snape decided it was long past the time to say something. "It's okay Pot…Harry." Harry nearly gasped in shock. Snape had called him by his first name. And his voice was so gentle, so unlike anything he had ever heard come out of Snape's mouth.

Snape continued, ignoring his own tongue's discomfort in using Potter's first name, "Harry, what your vile uncle said to you was absolutely indefensible. I do not believe I need to tell you that his ideas about what is _normal _are _at best _idiotic." Harry said nothing. Even though his head was down, Snape could tell that Harry was not really hearing him. Despite his discomfort, Snape forced himself to continue, "Listen to me. You are who you are Harry. You should not be ashamed of your preferences, whatever they may be."

Harry felt himself calming down at the sound of Snape's voice and his reassuring words. He lifted his head up and looked up at Snape and managed to speak in a hoarse voice, "But how do you know what they are?"

Snape sighed. _Have I lost my mind? Why on earth am I being so kind to him? _"Well…I suppose I'm a pragmatist myself – thinking and fantasizing about it will only get you so far. You've kisses girls – and a lot of them – the world knows that," Snape said with a chiding smirk, "Have you kissed any boys?" _I can't believe I'm having this conversation with Potter!_

Harry hesitated for a moment at the personal question. _I can't believe I'm having this conversation with Snape!_ "No."

"And why ever not? I'm sure there are plenty who would be quite keen to do it."

"You think so?"

"Sure, can you imagine – the Boy-who-Lived's first snog?"

Harry cringed. So that was all he was good for?

Snape winced at his indiscretion immediately. He hadn't intended for that comment to slip out. "I didn't mean it that way Potter. You are…" Snape paused for a moment, trying to think of an appropriate compliment. "You are not completely devoid of physical charms."

Harry wondered for a moment if that was a legitimate compliment. But he realized that coming from Snape, it was probably the best he could do and so he accepted it as such. "What's it like?"

"What?"

"Kissing a boy?"

Snape hesitated, wondering if perhaps this conversation was going a bit too far.

Harry misinterpreted Snape's reluctance. _I can't believe I just assumed that. I'm so stupid!_ "I'm sorry. I just thought that…I thought you were…" Harry stuttered.

Snape decided to spare Harry any further embarrassment and just answer the question, "Well, if I take myself back to your age, I remember that it was…quite pleasant."

_So it is true!_ Harry felt suddenly relieved and embarrassed all at the same time. Although Snape wasn't holding Harry anymore, the pair were quite close. Feeling emboldened by their proximity, the intimacy of the moment and Snape's surprising tenderness with him, Harry leaned forward and pressed his lips to Snape's. Snape was too shocked for a moment to do anything, but recovered quickly and pushed Harry away sharply. He stood up and walked halfway across the room.

"What the devil possessed you to do that Potter?" he snapped.

Harry was too flushed to say much of anything. "I…"

"Leave now!"

Harry was searching for something to say.

"I said GET OUT!" Snape bellowed.

Harry did not need any more encouragement and fled.

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As Harry lay in bed in Gryffindor tower that night, he found it difficult to sleep. The kiss was nice, he mused, more than nice. Snape hadn't kissed him back, so it really didn't count as a first kiss with a man, but it sort of did, Harry thought. And however limited it might have been, it was better than he could have ever dreamed. Harry couldn't help thinking about Snape's lips – how surprisingly warm and soft they felt. He decided he would give anything to be able to kiss Snape for real.

But as good as the kiss was, Harry was surprised to find that his mind was dwelling predominantly on a completely different set of thoughts. The fact that Snape had confided in him, sharing details about his work as a spy – which was perhaps the most sensitive and personal of topics for Severus Snape. The way Snape had touched Harry's mind so intimately – gently guiding him in burying his emotions. The incredible feeling of being cradled in Snape's warm arms. Snape's whispered reassurances, his comforting words and advice. When Harry finally fell asleep, he did so with a smile on his face.

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The next evening as Harry made his way down to the dungeons, he had already decided that the wisest course of action was to confront what had happened head on and apologize. He, of course, did not regret his actions for a second, but he knew Snape was probably seething at his gall. Despite hating the idea of apologizing for something he wasn't sorry for doing, he knew if he didn't, Snape might cancel their lessons altogether, and that would be too horrible to imagine. As Snape's wards gave way to his touch, he marched straight into the sitting room and began his rehearsed apology. He found, however, his words did not come as easily in front of Snape as they had in front his mirror in Gryffindor tower.

"Professor…I wanted to apologize for last night. I was…" _desperate for your touch. _"…I don't know. It was…" _wonderful. _"I'm sorry. I was upset and I…" _wanted you_, "…I guess I forgot myself."

"Of course you did," Snape said a little too quickly.

"Thank you for not…well you know…making it weird. I am sorry, sir."

"Let's move on. I am perfectly happy to forget it ever happened," Snape said firmly, a small voice in the back of his mind shouting, _You're a bloody liar, Severus_, but he ignored it.

_Yeah I know you do_, thought Harry sadly. _But I don't want to forget it and I never will._

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**A/N: **Please review! I hope you enjoyed.**  
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Also, I've received some reviewer's questions I'd like to address about my last line of chpt 7 in which Snape mentally decides to speak to Dumbledore when he discovers Harry's affections for him via that fantasy. The questions are, did SS speak with AD or did he not? And if he did, what was Dumbledore's reaction? Well, I can't answer ANY of those questions, because the answers all weave into the upcoming increasingly complicated plot. I need to keep you guessing. BUT…I address this only to indicate that I have not randomly put that line in and forgotten about it.

In the next chapter, "apologies melt away," Snape is distressed that harry is now distracted during their lessons (I wonder why!). Annoyed to no end, Snape is determined to rid harry of his foolish beliefs that his potions professor is a nice man and a worthy object of affection. Will he succeed? How long can the game last?

Please review.


	10. Apologies melt away

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings for the remainder of the story: **Now is the time for the kiddies to stop reading. This story is rapidly becoming R rated (and I tend to write on the more mature side of the R rating). Please do not read if you are underage. And no flames please, you've been warned.

**Warnings for Chpt 10: **SLASH content

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 10: Apologies melt away**

A week had gone by since Harry's indiscretion and Snape noted with annoyance that Harry continued to be distracted during their lessons. Initially, he thought the boy might be so embarrassed by what he'd done that he couldn't stand to be around him anymore. Although Snape was sure that a part of Harry must feel that way, he was surprised to learn that Harry was also spending an inordinate amount of time daydreaming about what had happened. _Does the boy not remember that I'm a Legilimens?_ Harry kept replaying the memory of Snape holding him, caressing his back while whispering words of comfort, and of course that short, but sweet kiss. Snape cursed himself for having been so kind to the boy – that was clearly the problem!

Presently, he was demonstrating a defensive spell to Harry, who was ignoring the wand movements he was showing him, in favor of staring at Snape's hands. He had long ago grown tired of boy's deranged hormones interrupting their lessons and decided it was time for bold action.

"Are you paying attention, Potter?" Snape snapped, stunning Harry out of his reverie.

"What? Oh…uhmm, sorry."

"I can see that you are yet again distracted by this ridiculous infatuation you have developed for some fictional notion you have of me. I want you to stop this silliness immediately. Is that understood?"

Harry took a deep breath. He couldn't believe Snape was addressing this, but since he was, he wasn't going to let this opportunity go by, "I don't think I can, sir."

Snape sighed with frustration, and scolded, "You are a naive fool Potter. I am not nice – don't let last week's display fool you. I simply did not want you going to the Headmaster in tears after our lesson."

"Oh…" Harry said with disappointment in his voice and face. He felt hurt to think that Snape's comfort was not genuine.

_Yes, now we're getting somewhere_, Snape thought, relieved that the boy was finally beginning to see reason.

Snape took a few steps forward, invading Harry's personal space – doing his best to intimidate him, making sure the boy would feel the full impact of his words. "Listen carefully to me, Potter. I am not a good person. I am not the person you have dreams about. I am a much better star for your nightmares! I would do horrible things to you," Snape said cruelly, amending in his mind, _wonderfully horrible things_, but he squashed the thought. "And I would enjoy it," he sneered.

Snape sensed a flicker of fear muddled in a dearth of emotions and seized on it. His plan was working. _Time to go in for the kill_, he thought.

He stalked towards Harry, pinning him against the wall with his hands on Harry's shoulders.

"What is it that you want," Snape asked in a dangerously incisive whisper. "Down in the dungeons…all alone…the silencing wards up…no escape. Perhaps you should be more careful what you wish for, or your nasty potions professor might force himself on you…do unspeakable things to you…"

"Yesss," Harry hissed.

Snape was momentarily stunned by the assent that had left the boy's mouth. He had expected the boy to go running. His eyes still wide with shock, Snape began to move away only to have his hips grabbed and held still, preventing him from moving. Snape was shocked at the aggressiveness of the gesture and was about to take the boy's head off for his insolence, but the unspoken plea on Harry's face gave him pause. His face was flushed with desire and as Snape watched Harry lick his lips, he could not resist the temptation.

He took another step forward and pushed his body against Harry's, pressing his lips against his. Harry gasped in Snape's mouth. Snape was kissing him and it was so far beyond his wildest dreams. His lips were so warm, so soft, better than he remembered. Harry felt Snape's tongue gently, yet devastatingly stroke his lower lip. He opened his lips eagerly and felt Snape's tongue brush his own, sending shivers down his body. Feeling Snape pulling away, Harry tried to keep his lips against Snape's, but the man was holding him firmly against the wall.

"I've been dreaming about this," Harry managed hoarsely.

"Yes, I know," Snape murmured in that silky voice.

"You do?" Harry asked, stunned. As understanding dawned on Harry, he continued emboldened, "That was better than any fantasy."

Snape was about to huff at the boy's statement, but was halted by his gaze. Snape could see and feel the lust burning in those beautiful emerald eyes, and it melted away his resistance. He felt something inside him snap.

He smashed his body even harder against Harry's, crushing him against the wall. Snape's mouth covered Harry's again, this time with an urgency and possessiveness that were Harry's undoing. The feeling of Snape's tongue plundering his mouth was pure ecstasy. As Harry felt Snape's hands caressing the sides of his body, he whimpered and clutched at Snape's robes, trying to steady himself.

Snape felt his thigh brush up against something very hard and suddenly felt Harry desperately thrusting his hips forward to meet him. He obligingly pressed his thigh between Harry's legs and heard Harry's gasp as it made contact. Snape did not arrest his tongue's movements as he felt Harry rock against his leg. Barely a moment later, he felt Harry's body shuddering against his own, and then slumping into his arms, his knees giving way. Snape's hands held Harry firmly, preventing him from falling.

Harry was paralyzed with pleasure and now, that exquisite feeling of release. He sagged against Snape, burying his face in the man's chest and breathing in Snape's scent while listening to the heavy pounding of the older man's heart. He hoped that he would never have to move.

After a minute, Snape spoke in a stunned whisper, as though he was not fully aware of what had just happened between them, "I think, perhaps Mr. Potter, you should leave."

Harry looked up at Snape, searching for words, but there was so much he wanted to say, he could think of nothing. He simply left.

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_What have I done? _Snape asked himself for the hundredth time. His plan of two nights ago had been completely derailed. It had been his intention to scare Harry with the threat of intimacy, but it seemed it had inadvertently had quite the opposite effect. _Not inadvertently_, Snape reminded himself. He cursed himself for the thousandth time for losing control and kissing the boy. Yes, he had lost control – and Snape hated very little more than the idea of that.

Now, he was watching Harry Potter sleep peacefully on his couch after a grueling Occlumency lesson. They had carried on as always. Snape had made sure that the look on his face alone was enough for the boy not to bring up what had happened. And he had not. In fact, Snape mused, Harry was probably relieved that he had not brought it up. Surely Harry had woken up the following morning with the realization of what he had done and with whom and was mortified beyond imagination. _Yes, he's disgusted with the idea_, Snape thought, but added quickly, _Have you lost your mind Severus? Are you actually feeling sorry for yourself?_ His thoughts were interrupted by Harry's voice.

"Oh…yes," Harry moaned, still apparently asleep.

The boy is having a dream, Snape thought, wondering what it might be about. Just the thought had sparked a connection between them – Snape fought his own curiosity and closed it down. He had been especially hard on Harry this night, and the boy's mind was so wide open after such sessions that the connection between them lingered, almost making it hard for him _not _to see Harry's dream. But Snape resisted the temptation easily. That is, until he heard the next word that left Harry's mouth.

"Severus…"

_Severus? Oh Merlin! _The sound of his given name on Harry's lips was thrilling. It went straight to his groin, and he felt himself growing hard. _Damn it Potter, what are you doing to me?_

Now he desperately wanted to see what the boy was dreaming about but forced himself not to look. It was none of his business – this was not an Occlumency lesson after all. Harry was defenseless. He decided to content himself by listening for any further verbalizations.

"Please…need you…Severus…" he whined in his sleep. That was too much for Snape. He made his way to his bedroom and slammed the door with sufficient force to awaken Harry with a start. He did not pause to wonder what Harry was thinking then, if he was embarrassed, if he even realized that he'd been talking in his sleep. Instead, he removed his clothes and began stroking himself to the image of Harry on _his _couch, in _his _quarters, calling _his _name.

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**A/N:** Please review.

Snarry's great and all…but I assure you that there is also an underlying plot to this story which will continue – but for right now, Snape and Harry are enjoying themselves. I hope you enjoy as well.

Thanks everyone for all your reviews for Chpt 9- you all keep me going. Please keep the feedback coming!

In chapter 11, "Every second of every day," during their next Occlumency lesson, Harry offers to show Snape what he was dreaming that night.

Please review.


	11. Every second of every day

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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Warnings for the remainder of the story:This story is R rated. This story is NOT for underage readers. And no flames please, you've been warned.  
  
Warnings for Chpt 11: SLASH content, strong language

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**A/N:** FYI - this is a censored chapter - for full text, see my profile  
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_**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 11: Every second of every day**

Wednesday was the day of their next lesson, and Snape was attempting to teach Harry the complex reflection spell he had been using against him repeatedly in their duels. Harry, however, was unable to reproduce it.

"Inept as you may be Potter, you are not _this _inept. You are not concentrating you foolish boy."

"I am concentrating," Harry lied.

"Is that so? Well then, prove it. Wand up! Ready, _Legilimens_."

Harry was completely unprepared – Snape was right, he was not concentrating. And he paid for it dearly over the next hour as Snape poured ruthlessly through his mind. But, for once, Harry did not care, he was biding his time – waiting an opening, an opportunity to entice the stalwart Severus Snape. And finally it came.

Snape had stumbled across the memory that was plaguing the forefront of Harry's mind. _Snape's lips on Harry's as he moved his hands down the sides of Harry's body. Harry trapped between the wall and Snape's tall form. Harry being held by those strong arms as he shuddered in pleasure. _Snape was momentarily stunned by the memory – and seemed extremely uncomfortable viewing what had happened between them from this point of view. He quicked quashed it, inadvertently bringing another to the surface.

_Harry asleep on Snape's sitting room couch, whimpering 'Please…need you…Severus.' Harry waking with a start from that dream as Snape slammed his bedroom door._

Snape heard Harry's voice in his head, "Don't you want to know what I was dreaming about?"

Snape struggled not to answer, not to say, not to think, 'I'm dying to know.'

Disappointed by the lack of an answer from Snape, Harry prodded the man further, "Are you sure you don't want to know? It's what I've been fantasizing about almost every second of every day now."

And somehow, Harry pressed the thought into Snape's mind. And despite himself, Snape was impressed. He wondered if Harry had done that on purpose or if it was a happy accident. He wondered if perhaps he had, in fact, unconsciously probed the thought himself. He didn't know and he didn't care – right now, he was absorbed in what he was witnessing.

_Harry, running his finger tips gently down Snape's chest. Harry, kneeling down in front of Snape, and opening up the folds of his layered robes. Harry's hands, snaking around the man's waist, firmly grabbing his ass, as the image of himself tried to pull away. 'I need you…please,' Harry whimpered. Harry's lips moving closer and closer, kissing the very tip of his erection. The image of himself letting out a primal moan as Harry used his tongue to..._

"Merlin help me," Snape growled, and the fantasy faded away as the mental link was abruptly broken.

"Sorry," Harry apologized breathily, "I couldn't keep it going any longer."

Snape was staring at Harry in shock. Harry was fantasizing about that? Doing _that _with _HIM_! He needed to get out, get away, get some air – get control over himself! Snape began to hastily move away, but Harry tightly grabbed hold of his left hand, halting Snape's exit.

"Don't go…please!" Harry begged desperately.

Snape slowly turned around to face Harry, whose eyes were begging him for…for? In that moment, Snape wanted to pounce on Harry and give him everything he wanted and all the things he didn't even know he wanted. But he stopped himself, settling instead for taking a seat on the couch. Harry sat down next to him, emitting an audible sigh of relief.

Snape couldn't stop thinking about what Harry had shown him. He was beginning to feel a bit dizzy at the flurry of images rushing through his mind. And he felt Harry's hand settle on his thigh and his lips suddenly press against Snape's mouth.

Snape pushed him away. "No. Not after your lessons," Snape said firmly. "You're distressed and overwrought and I am not about to take advantage of your vulnerability."

"What's the matter, Severus?" Harry asked in a whisper, relishing the almost inaudible gasp Snape released as Harry addressed him in the familiar for the first time. "Don't you like me being vulnerable with need for you?"

_Oh Merlin!_

Snape nearly cracked at these words. Mustering up one last bit of control, he managed to whisper, "You need to leave."

"No. Please, I can't," Harry almost whined. "I need you so badly. I've been thinking about this for days. Please don't make me go." Snape could almost hear the boy's heart pounding in his chest, and if the panting noises Harry was making weren't enough to push him over the edge, Snape nearly died when he saw that Harry had moved his hand in between his own legs, and was squeezing his burgeoning erection. "I need…please, I need…" Harry whimpered, struggling for words.

Snape crumbled under Harry's desperation, and met his eyes fully.

"Show me. Show me what you need," urged that velvety voice.

Harry grabbed Snape's hand and moved it in between his legs, letting it rest on the hard bulge there. Molding his hand to the back of Snape's, he made Snape's hand squeeze his erection, a low moan escaping Harry's lips. Harry looked up at Snape, a question in his eyes. Snape said nothing and Harry suddenly understood – Snape wasn't going to do anything, he wasn't going to cross that line. Not pretending to understand Snape's logic, and for the moment, not caring what it was, Harry realized he needed to take control and act quickly before Snape changed his mind all together. Harry moved hurriedly to unzip his pants, and pulled them down to his knees. He then pushed Snape back on the couch and sat down in between the man's legs – positioning himself so that he was sitting directly in front of Snape, his back pressing tightly against Snape's chest, the inside of Snape's thighs tightly hugging the outside of his legs.

Harry reached for Snape's right hand and pulled it down, slipping it inside his boxers – his hand still on top, the fingers of his own hand interwoven with Snape's. As he coaxed the man's warm long fingers around his hard flesh, Harry couldn't help but gasp as the feel of the first hand other than his own touching him there.

By now Snape had nearly forgotten the reasons he had objected in the first place – Harry felt so incredible against him. He summoned every ounce of will he possessed and forced his hand to remain motionless. Silently, he thanked Harry as he felt the hand above his squeezing, making his own hand grasp Harry's hot arousal tighter. Despite himself, Snape rested his chin on Harry's right shoulder, closed his eyes and inhaled – losing himself in Harry's scent.

The intimacy of this gesture was not lost on Harry and heightened his arousal further. And suddenly Harry wanted to feel Snape – he needed to know that the man was as aroused as he was. He shifted backwards, trying to press his buttocks into Snape's groin, but Snape, somehow anticipating his movements, shifted back as well.

Harry's forgot his disappointment quite quickly, however, as he slid Snape's hand down to the very tip. Harry let out a whimper and thrust his hips forward into Snape's hand.

"Please say something," Harry said in a throaty voice. He half expected Snape to ignore him completely – Harry knew he was completely clueless as to the rules of this tentative engagement.

Snape responded in a seductively warm whisper directly into Harry's ear, "What would you like me to say?"

"Oh God," Harry moaned under his breath. The sound of Snape's sensuous voice made him crazy. And Snape's breath in his ear as he spoke made him frantic with need.

He squeezed Snape's hand forcefully and began rapidly stroking himself with Snape's hand. Harry's heart was racing. The hasty, haphazard movements that Harry demanded from Snape caused a half-smile to form on the man's lips.

Panting through sobbing breaths, Harry managed, "Say something…anything…I love the sound of your voice."

"You are as exuberant as ever, Mister Potter," Snape said in his trademark rich drawl. Harry felt the hum of Snape's voice vibrate against his neck and through his body – driving him even further over the edge.

Harry wound his left arm back, his hand reaching for and touching the back of Snape's neck. He ran his fingers through the man's hair, which felt incredibly silky and soft.

Snape struggled to hold back the blissful moan that threatened to spill from his throat when he felt Harry's hand on the base of his neck, caressing his hair. He couldn't even remember the last time anyone had touched him like this – and wondered how such a small gesture could possibly feel so good.

Harry's body still ached for more and he turned his head to the side and used the hand he had in Snape's hair to capture Snape's lips in another kiss. Sparks shot through him as he felt the man's tongue contact he own again. As their tongues began their delicate dance, Snape forced Harry's hand movements to slow, and Snape began making more deliberate elongated strokes – drawing out Harry's pleasure, showing him how it should be done. And Harry was grateful for every moment.

Harry's breath was now completely ragged, and as Snape's hand moved with one final firm movement, Harry threw his head back against Snape's left shoulder, arching his body up and totally surrendered himself to the climax which ripped through him.

They sat there like that for a long time. Harry tried to regain his breath, as his heartbeat slowly returned to a normal pace. Once he regained his senses, Harry snaked his now free right hand around to his back, trying to reach between Snape's legs, desperate to make Snape feel as good as he had made him feel. But the man grasped Harry's wrist firmly and pushed his hand away.

"It's past curfew. You should go," Snape said simply.

Harry wanted to say something, he needed to say something, but he was, once again, at a loss for words. He stood up and faced Snape, but could not meet his eyes – feeling somehow that he had let the man down. He left quietly, whispering "thank you" on his way out, wondering if Snape had even heard him.

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**A/N: **Review please.

100 reviews YAY! I'm so excited and grateful to you all.

I really wasn't sure what the M rating permits me to write - so I decided to err on the side of caution. You may find the link to the unedited version of this chapter on my profile (this chapter is hardly censored - so not sweat if you don't get the full text, but the upcoming chapters will likely be more censored). I will let you know for each chapter.

Please review.


	12. Almost too good to be true

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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_PLEASE READ:_

Warnings for Chpt 12: This story is R rated. This story is NOT for underage readers. And no flames please, you've been warned.

**SLASH content, strong language**

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**A/N:** FYI - this is a censored chapter - for full text, see my profile  
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_**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 12: Almost too good to be true**

Harry had to force himself not to go and see Snape the very next day. Not only would it have been awkward to see Snape so soon, it would have been all too obvious as to why he returned given the fact that Harry always took Thursday's off. Thinking carefully about the precarious state of affairs he was in with Snape, Harry decided that perhaps this situation required a well thought out approach.

When they entered Gryffindor common room, Ron and Hermione were both stunned to find that Harry had skipped dinner and was hard at work (on one of his rare nights off no less) on the major Potions assignment that was due on Monday, especially given the fact that he normally left such things to the final sleepy hour of Sunday night. But Harry decided that given the way things were going with Snape, it would rather bad form to turn in his usual substandard work. And he had a sneaking suspicion that Snape would insist he finish all his work before he would allow anything to happen between them again. Snape did, after all, take Harry's schoolwork very seriously – especially when it came to his own assignments.

And when Friday night finally rolled around, Harry found himself in the comfort of Snape's quarters once again, reading – or rather, pretending to read – as he watched Snape from the corner of his eye.

"Are you actually reading Potter?" Snape asked.

"Yes," Harry lied.

"Really? Why is it then that you've been on the same page for the past 20 minutes?"

"Oh. I'm…I guess I'm kind of distracted."

"Well I suggest you un-distract yourself then, or you may finish your work in the library," Snape said firmly.

"Alright, sorry," Harry sighed and forced himself to focus on his reading for the remainder of the evening.

It was getting late by the time Snape had finished his work and sat down in his favorite oversized leather armchair near the fire, sipping tea and reading one of his Potions journals. Harry loved the look on Snape's face when he read his journals. His face was completely serious with concentration, as if often was, but his eyes revealed how much enjoyment he derived from this activity. Harry had come to find out that the best way to tell what Snape was really thinking was to look at his eyes as he spoke – if you were ever fortunate enough to get a rare glimpse of Snape's emotions, it was his eyes that always told the story.

On his way back from getting himself some pumpkin juice, Harry stopped in front of Snape's armchair and boldly asked, "Can I just sit here with you for a bit before I go?"

Snape lifted his eyes from his book. And there it was! Snape's face was saying 'no,' but his eyes were saying 'yes.' Snape was searching his mind for an answer and was clearly having a hard time deciding what to say. "Potter…I don't think that—"

But Harry didn't allow Snape to finish and sat down on the man's lap facing him, straddling his hips, their faces mere inches away.

"I just want to sit with you please," Harry almost whined.

"Just sit?" Snape inquired breathily, still taken aback by Harry's forwardness.

"Just sit," Harry replied.

After a few moments, Snape spoke again, "Don't you have work to do?"

Harry reached behind him to the coffee table and grabbed the scroll containing his Potions paper. He handed it to Snape and said, "Are you referring to this?"

As he watched Snape open it and begin perusing the document, Harry couldn't help but smile. He had never worked so hard on a Potions assignment in all his life, and he knew Snape would be impressed.

"Is it acceptable?" Harry asked slyly, moving his body forward, pressing his growing erection into Snape's belly.

Snape put the scroll down and responded with a deadpan expression, but a bright smile in his eyes, "It has potential."

Harry leaned down and placed his forehead on Snape's shoulder and rested it there for while. Snape hadn't moved a muscle, his hands were firmly planted on the arms of the leather chair. After a few minutes in this position, Harry realized that if he continued to wait for Snape to do something, they would be here all night. Not that that sounded like too bad an idea!

Harry turned his head to the side and placed his nose on the underside of Snape's jaw, inhaling deeply. God Snape smelled good! He pressed his mouth to Snape's and kissed him – the taste of ginger honey still lingering in his mouth – a little spicy and oh so sweet. As Harry tentatively explored Snape's mouth with his tongue, he used his fingers to unbutton the top three buttons of Snape's black waist-coat. He reluctantly pulled his mouth away to take in some much needed air. As his fingers began working to unbutton the collar of Snape's stiffly pressed white shirt, Snape leaned back slightly, as if moving to stop him. The man's hands still had not moved from the arms of the chair.

"Please…" Harry whispered and finished opening up the collar. Taking in that first vision of Snape's neck – the first real bit of Snape's disguised skin Harry had the privilege of viewing – he couldn't help but wonder why on earth the man always kept himself so completely covered. Snape's neck was pale, but beautiful. Harry pressed the tip of his nose into the base of Snape's throat, and traced his lips upwards, inhaling Snape's scent as he went. Snape's skin was so soft, he wanted to nuzzle in that space forever. He began pressing delicate kisses along Snape's jaw line, to the back of his ear and down again along the base of his neck and throat – delicate touches which morphed into playful nips and sucking kisses. And then Harry spotted a small, almost invisible freckle and kissed it twice before sucking quite firmly on that spot. Harry decided he wanted to know where every single one of Snape's freckles was. He wanted to know this man's body inside out. He didn't know if he'd ever get the chance, but now, Snape's neck was his and he was going to map out every inch of it.

As Harry continued his explorations, Snape was trying to hold onto coherent thought. He mused that this shouldn't feel this good – but the sensations washing over him as Harry kissed and licked him were heavenly. He was working very hard to remain silent – not to reveal how much pleasure Harry was giving him in that moment, and as Harry pulled away he wondered if perhaps that had been a mistake. He could feel Harry's erection pressing almost painfully against him now, and could sense the young man's impatience.

Harry slid downwards slightly, adjusting himself so that his erection was now in line with Snape's. Snape made no move to stop him, but his hands still remained firmly planted on the arms of the chair. Harry's body tingled with pleasure at the incredible feeling of Snape's erection against his – so hot, so hard – Harry couldn't help but release a throaty whimper at the feeling. Snape had never let him touch him there before and Harry was thrilled by the knowledge that Severus Snape was aroused, and it was because of him.

Harry began to rock his body forward – gently at first – he couldn't help but gasp at the knowledge that only a few layers of fabric separated the two men. He wanted desperately to get rid of their clothing – to be naked with Severus, to feel his skin on his – but he knew the man wouldn't allow it. Just the thought of it was making Harry dizzy and the once slow movements had taken on a life of their own – Harry's urgency had taken over and he found himself humping Snape with abandon.

Snape imagined himself losing control – moving his hands all over Harry, throwing his head back and bucking up into Harry's thrusts, grinding his hips into Harry's desperate movements, moaning from the sheer delight of their bodies touching this way. But he did not – he remained still, the knuckles of his hands turning white from his steady iron grip on the arms of the chair.

And moments later, Snape felt Harry desperately clutch the front of Snape's robes, as his body stilled and quivered with release.

"Severus," Harry screamed breathily.

As Harry's body reveled in the sweet feeling of release, his frustrated mind was wondering what it would take to make this man come. He didn't bother reaching down to help him along, knowing full well he would be stopped. Instead, he rested limply against Snape's body.

The sound of Harry screaming his name as he came made Snape's throat go dry and he felt his body grow unbearably hot. Totally spent, Harry's forehead was now resting on his shoulder and as his heavy breathing died down Snape thought he might have fallen asleep. He murmured a cleaning spell for Harry and worked on steadying his own breathing.

Snape still had not moved. He just sat there, reliving that gorgeous moment over and over again in his mind – seeing the look on Harry's face when he came, and the sound of his name on those lips – it was too much. And then he found he couldn't stop thinking about the other night, when he had touched Harry and stroked him to orgasm – Harry touching his hair, Harry saying he loved the sound of his voice, the feel of Harry's hot arousal in his hand, Harry flinging his head back against his chest as he came.

Snape was breathing quite heavily now and his pants were feeling unbearably tight. He shifted slightly as he reached for his wand again to mutter a loosening spell on his trousers and his nose brushed the side of Harry's neck. Snape couldn't help inhaling Harry's scent – it was truly intoxicating, so clean and warm. He felt as though he was becoming dizzy – he needed Harry so badly – he wanted to touch him so desperately. _Merlin give me the strength not to move._ He looked over at his hands, still firmly planted on the arms of the chair. He wondered if perhaps he could just touch Harry's back, but squashed the thought and forced himself to remain still. He knew that one touch was all it would take – one touch and he wouldn't be able to stop – one touch and he would have to touch Harry everywhere.

And then came the soft, choked whisper, "Severus…please touch me, Severus."

The way Harry had spoken his name, with such reverence, such longing, it made Snape hold his breath. The voice was so desperate, so needy – it was his undoing – it cut through his defenses like a hot knife and crumbled whatever resolve he had left. Realizing he was doomed – completely and utterly doomed – he let his body take over.

"Merlin yes," Snape replied in a dark, almost harsh voice, as he stood up, lifting Harry up with him so rapidly and unexpectedly, Harry gasped sharply.

Harry had not expected this – he was certain his request would fall on deaf ears. He had spoken those words because even if Snape wouldn't touch him, whatever his reasons, Harry needed the man to know that he wanted it – that it was more to him than just physical release, that he desired the intimacy that Snape found impossible to give him. Harry had not expected Snape to snatch him up off the ground with such fervor. And he thanked Merlin for the unexpected blessing.

Harry wrapped his legs around Snape's waist, and Snape pulled Harry into him, crushing their chests together as he kissed Harry with a desperate intensity. Harry was whimpering – the feel of Snape holding him like this, Snape's possessive, dominating kiss, the feel of the other man's pulsing erection pressing urgently into his stomach – it was too much, and it was so good. Harry was already half hard again before Snape laid him down gently on the wool rug in front of the hearth.

Snape knelt beside Harry and began undoing the buttons of Harry's shirt one by one. Slowly, but surely he removed Harry's robe and shirt and proceeded to undo the zipper of Harry's pants. He worked silently, but his eyes remained locked with Harry's – waiting for any sign that he was going too far. It never came. And soon Snape was staring intently at the nearly naked Harry Potter, clad only in his boxers. The perfectly smooth skin, his well-toned muscular physique – Harry was an amazing site to take in and Snape was nearly at a loss for words – nearly.

"You're so beautiful, Harry," Snape said with almost solemn veneration in his voice.

Could this moment get any better? It did momentarily, as Snape began touching him – those strong, deft perfect hands stroking him all over. God he loved those hands – the way their warmth spread all over his body.

"Say that last part again," Harry moaned breathily.

"What?"

"The last part…say it again."

A smile grazed Snape's lips, as he bent his head down and purred in Harry's ear, "Harry."

And then as he began attending to Harry's chest, he spoke Harry's name under his breath in between each delicate kiss. This was so good, so perfect – but Harry wanted more – he wanted to feel Snape's skin against his, to touch this man who had given him and who was giving him such amazing pleasure. He reached his hands up and tugged at Snape's robes. Snape obligingly took off his outer robes and quickly unbuttoned and removed his black waist-coat, leaving him in his already loosened white dress shirt and black trousers. Harry snaked his fingers up to the buttons of the shirt, but Snape caught his hands.

"Please let me take care of you, Harry," Snape whispered as the man's hypnotic eyes gazed at him intently.

And Harry let him. The sensations were dizzying. It seemed as if Snape was doing everything, everywhere, all at once to Harry – kissing, licking, biting, sucking. And it was perfection – the way Snape placed provocatively sweet kisses in a path from Harry's toes to his forehead, the way Snape ran his tongue all along Harry's chest, the way Snape gently nipped at the flesh on his neck and inner thighs, and the way Snape's hot breath seemed to engulf Harry completely, caressing him all over his skin. Harry could do little more than writhe below Snape as he claimed every spot of his exposed body. And when Snape took his right nipple into his mouth and sucked, Harry cried out – surprised by his sensitivity there.

"You like that?" Snape asked in low, burning voice.

Harry's heavy breathing answered in place of words, because Snape did it again, this time nibbling at Harry's left nipple while pinching his right between his fingers. And he was rewarded with a needy whimper from Harry, who bucked his hips upwards instinctively against Snape's thigh at the intensity of the sensation.

"Gods you're amazing," Snape purred. _I want to take you right now!_ _Merlin help me._

Harry couldn't help smile at Snape's words…he was thinking the same thing about the man.

Snape moved his fingers to Harry's boxers and hesitated only a moment before pulling them off. Harry felt his face flame, a deep blush entering his cheeks and he cursed himself inwardly at the childishness of that reaction. Snape realized he was staring with his mouth open. Harry was a truly beautiful site to behold. Snape could hear Harry's insecurities loudly in his thoughts, and locked eyes with Harry before speaking, demanding that he see the truth behind his words.

"You're absolutely perfect, Harry."

Snape then set to work kissing the inside of Harry's thighs, hovering so close to that part which needed the most attention, but gingerly avoiding it. Instead he flipped Harry over and began his ministrations anew on his back, buttocks and legs.

Harry mused that Snape's tongue seemed to be everywhere – and it was so intimate, so possessive, so perfect. This was what he had wanted all along – Snape, wild and demanding – wanting him, touching him, tasting him. This was beyond pleasure – it was divine. Harry was able to do little more than gasp and moan – but he wanted to speak, to tell Snape how perfect this was. But his voice was uncooperative, and part of him was glad, he knew how woefully inadequate his words would sound. And somehow, Snape seemed to understand, and whispered for Harry to relax and just enjoy.

By the time Snape had turned him over on his back, Harry was wild with need. He looked up at Snape, who met his gaze fully. The piercing look in Snape's eyes almost burned him. Harry held his breath, hoping to extend this moment, memorize it, in case it never happened again – Severus Snape, hungry with desire, for him.

And then came Snape's silky whisper, "I want to taste you Harry, if that's alright."

Harry's throat went suddenly dry. He nodded mutely.

Any words he might have had left Harry altogether as Snape began first gently kissing and then licking him, so slowly and so thoroughly, Harry could scarcely believe that it was Snape's normally cruel tongue that was doing these exquisitely cruel things to him now. Harry moaned at the blissfully wet heat surrounding him. Harry's body had tensed, overwhelmed with delirium – his eyes were firmly shut and his knuckles were white from his grip on Snape's wool rug.

Snape paused when the first taste hit his tongue. He had been waiting for this moment, and he was not disappointed. Tasting Harry was pleasure in of itself, and he couldn't help releasing a deep grunting hum of approval at what he found – it was bitter, it was sweet, it was _so_ strong, _so_ satisfying…_so_ Harry.

"Gods you're delicious!" Snape growled. He wanted to taste more of Harry – to possess him completely. And he used his mouth to make sure that Harry knew it.

"Oh God!" Harry yelped. Harry's breathing was reduced to short panting inhalations as waves of pleasure ripped through his body.

Snape felt Harry run his fingers through his hair, holding onto him for dear life. The feel of Harry's fingers in his hair coupled with the gasping whimpers that signaled the young man's rapturous abandon, caused Snape to moan. He reached down and unzipped his trousers, releasing the pressure against his own unbearably hard erection.

Harry noticed that Snape seemed to like him touching his hair, and so he wound his fingers around it, pulling wildly at the silky strands, hoping to incite some more of those frenzied noises from the man. He wanted him to lose himself in this moment as Harry had already done. And when the sounds of approval came from Snape's throat, Harry's whimpers turned into howls and he found himself bucking up, almost involuntarily. It was beyond incredible and Harry found himself torn between wanted it to continue forever and desperately needing release.

Although his eyes were heavily lidded from the magnitude of the sensations gripping him, Harry had to look, had to see Snape possessing him this way. And at the sight of Snape's head between his legs, he thought for certain he was going to come. He needed to tell Snape but he couldn't speak so he started pushing down at the top of man's head. And then Snape looked up at him – his eyes were so beautifully dark, glinting with pure lust and pleasure. Overwhelmed with sensation, Harry was seeing stars and he was coming – no, exploding in an earth-shattering orgasm.

Snape was groaning with pleasure as he attended to Harry. He ignored himself, waiting until the violent pulses of Harry's orgasm had subsided.

Snape raised himself up on his knees and took in this vision of Harry Potter – head thrown back, eyes firmly shut, body glistening with sweat, thoroughly debauched – and he wondered if there could possibly be a more beautiful sight. Reaching into his briefs, he stroked himself. It didn't take long, as he took in the effects of what he had just done, splayed out in front of him, perfection incarnate. Throwing his head back he came forcefully, shuddering fiercely as he breathed Harry's name.

After recovering from his reverie with a few deep breaths, Snape looked back at Harry find the young man had propped himself up on his elbow and was watching him with rapt attention. Snape moved to lie down next to him, and pulled Harry into his arms and held him with possessive tenderness.

Harry struggled with every ounce of his being to remain awake – if only for another minute. He wanted time to stop right now – he wanted to capture this moment, bottle it up – and live in it forever. Little did he know that Snape was thinking exactly the same thing.

"That was the best moment of my life," Harry whispered against Snape's chest.

"Is that so?" Snape remarked with amused tone, a definite smile in the corners of his mouth. "You did come rather hard."

"No…not that."

Snape's eyebrows raised slightly.

"I mean that was amazing too…really, really amazing," Harry said, while pressing gentle kisses on Snape's chest. "But I meant watching you…watching you come."

Silence. Snape pressed a kiss to Harry's temple.

"It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Harry said.

As Harry surrendered himself to sleep, he mused that it could have only been better if he had elicited the orgasm with _his_ hands, _his _mouth. He hoped he would have a chance at that sooner rather than later.

Snape remained awake as he felt Harry dozing off. He was determined to savor every single moment of having Harry in his arms. Severus Snape was not a foolish man – he knew very well that perfection like this could not, would not last long. Especially for a man like him.

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A little over an hour later when Harry awoke, he sat up slowly and looked at Snape with a smile.

"It's time for bed," Snape said.

"I was just sleeping," Harry remarked.

"I am fully aware of that fact," Snape said dryly. "I think you drooled on my shirt."

"Sorry," Harry said sheepishly. "Why are you still dressed anyhow? Is the rumor true – do you sleep fully dressed?" Harry teased.

"Hardly."

"Take this thing off," Harry said, while reaching for Snape shirt. He snapped off Snape's right cufflink, watching the sleeve fall open. Then he reached for the cufflink on the other sleeve, but this time Snape grabbed Harry's wrist firmly, a bit too firmly, stopping Harry. Snape forced himself to loosen his grip a bit.

Harry was confused. If he didn't know better, Harry would have said that Snape looked pained, frightened even. _But why would Snape be…Oh!_

A long tense moment passed between the two men.

"You should go Harry," Snape said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"It's alright, really," Snape said reassuringly, cleverly hiding behind his impassive expression. "Its just that it's late. And you don't want anyone to miss you in Gryffindor tower." Masterfully changing the subject, he added, "And you need your rest. I wouldn't want you falling off your broom tomorrow."

"Oh…right." Harry leaned over and kissed Snape gently on the lips. "I'll be by tomorrow after Quidditch, okay?"

Snape nodded and watched as Harry exited his quarters.

Tired as Harry was, he couldn't shake his giddy excitement at what had finally happened between him and Snape. It was beyond amazing. Previously, Harry had been choreographing their encounters – but now, finally, Snape had made a move on him, of his own volition, motivated only by his desire. Snape wanted him, Harry mused, and it seemed almost too good to be true.

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**A/N:** PLEASE review.

Whew! This was a long chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!

To every single one of my reviewers - thank you so much for your incredibly positive comments. They really inspired me to get past my writer's block on this and the next chapter - seriously! I admit that I was intimidated about making this chapter as 'hot' as you all seemed to think the last was. I hope I delivered.

Once again, I've censored this one - this one much more than the last. If you enjoyed this chapter, and want to read the full text...check out my profile to get the link (if you are of age only please).

In Chapter 13, "If you really knew me…" Harry comes to see Snape the next day after practice...


	13. If you really knew me

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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Warnings for Chpt 13: references to Slash, strong language

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_**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 13: If you really knew me…**

Snape had not slept a wink last night. Part of him was reliving the exquisite evening over and over again in his mind. But another part was becoming increasingly overwhelmed with guilt. He knew he had gone too far – overstepped a delicate boundary when he touched Harry the way he had. _Don't delude yourself Severus, you went too far from the start!_ The past week had been incredible, Snape reflected. Every moment he was away from Harry seemed like torture. Every time he saw him, he was possessed with an urge to throw himself at the young man and thoroughly ravish him – but he had resisted. That is, until last night. _Damn it!_

But, Snape reminded himself, it had been nearly impossible to resist. Harry was so beautiful, the image of Harry naked on the rug in front of the hearth, eyes blazing with lust, begging for Snape to touch him – it was like a dream. Better than a dream, in fact. And Snape had surrendered himself to that fantasy, and for a moment, he believed it could be true. But the moment was fleeting as ever – snapped in two by the simplest of gestures – Harry reaching to open the cuff of his shirt. For Snape, it was harsh reality striking him in the gut, reminding him of the painful truth that this wasn't a dream. His life _wasn't _a fairy tale, _wasn't _a happy story – and it could never be.

And Snape realized in that moment that Harry had no idea what he had gotten himself into. He knew that Harry would run as fast as he could if he knew the kind of person that he was. _He doesn't know the things I've seen, the things I've done – I'm not the right person for someone like him – someone so innocent, so perfect_, Snape reflected sadly.

Snape's thoughts were interrupted as the door to his sitting room opened. Harry Potter walked in, fresh from his Saturday Quidditch practice. His eyes shone with happiness when he saw Snape, and he moved quickly towards the man, his arms outstretched, eager for an embrace. Snape took a step back. Harry stopped in confusion. Snape carefully hid his own sadness at the words that were about to leave his mouth.

"I think that it would be wise to end this…liaison between us."

Harry said nothing, he just stood there shocked. _Liaison?_

Snape continued, "I regret that I have taken advantage of you and I think you should strongly consider speaking with the Headmaster about it. I will accept full responsibility if you choose to do so."

"Why would I want to talk to Dumbledore about this? You haven't taken advantage of me."

"You may yet reconsider that sentiment, Potter."

_So we're back to Potter are we? Damn that stings._

"I won't…I want us to be together, please Severus…" Harry said, taking a step forward.

"I'm afraid that is impossible."

"Why?"

"Because it is wrong. I'm 20 years older than you and you are my student," Snape said, hoping these spurious reasons would be enough to end this matter.

"I don't care about age! And there are no rules against student-teacher relationships now that I'm 17."  
Snape sighed, "Potter, I'm an old unattractive man with a horrible temperament. You are clearly delusional if you think you want to pursue this any further."

Harry could not believe this was happening. Last night had been the best of his life, and now it was ending – and what was worse, he had no idea why. He spoke in a pained half-whisper, "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'm a cruel man Potter. I tried to warn you."

"But I want us—"

"Really?" Snape interrupted, inquiring disbelievingly. "Are you prepared to tell your friends that you're seeing your greasy git of a Potions professor? I think not!" Snape said vehemently.

"I…well…I…" Harry said searching for answers.

"Don't delude yourself Potter. You can't even tell them that you like men! What would people say if they knew we were together?"

"I thought you said you don't care what people think?" Harry shot back.

"I don't Potter! But you do, don't you?"

Harry had no answer – he did not know. "Please just don't end this like this. I…don't think I can be without you…I…"

"And how precisely would you know that?" Snape asked. "You've never been with anyone else. This is your first experience with a man and I believe you are confusing lust with something more – not entirely unexpected for a boy your age. I confess that it was my fault to exploit your confusion the way I did."

"You did NOT exploit me, Severus," Harry asserted.

"I would ask you not to call me that anymore. It is…no longer appropriate." A short pause. "I suggest that you go and spend some time with people your own age. You'll find out very soon that you're not so interested in me once you find some other outlet for your adolescent hormones. I regret I let myself get swept up in your youthful exuberance as well – and that was a mistake," Snape said, ignoring the almost literal pain he felt as those words left his lips.

"You're calling what happened between us a mistake. That's what it is to you?" Harry was fuming now, "Why you insensitive son of a bitch!"

"I'm glad to see you're finally coming to your senses about me Mr. Potter."

Harry took a deep breath and tried to push back the anger that was overwhelming him. Yes, he was angry. Yes he wanted to hurt Snape, to tell him it was meaningless to him as well – but then would that even hurt him, Harry wondered. He didn't know. All he knew was that Snape was not a man who discussed his emotions. Harry wasn't exactly sure what was happening here, but Snape's self-deprecating comments made it hard to ignore the possibility that it was something more than Snape simply having grown tired of Harry. Harry mused that it was probably guilt – Snape was a proud man and probably felt he had overstepped some ethical boundary as his teacher. But Harry wished the man would talk to him – explain what he was thinking. Snape might not know how to express his feelings, but Harry decided he would damned if he became like that. He needed to tell Snape the truth – whatever it was – and maybe, just maybe that would hurt him the most.

"Maybe I mean nothing to you – but don't you dare pretend you know what I feel. You are more to me than…what is you said?…an outlet for my hormones."

"Then what am I?" Snape snapped. "Your _boyfriend_? I think not!" Snape sneered indignantly.

Harry took a deep breath and spoke carefully, "I'm not sure what you are to me exactly, but I know that I care about you and doesn't that mean something? I've never felt this way before – I may not know what it is but I know I don't want it to end. You're important to me Severus."

Snape closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and sighed. He spoke under his breath, "Why do you have to make things so hard?" There was anger in his voice, and Snape's face indicated his frustration. But his eyes betrayed something else entirely – sadness and pain? – very much like the previous night when Harry had tried to remove his left cufflink.

Meanwhile, Snape was reflecting on Harry's words: _I've never felt this way before…you're important to me Severus_. They sounded too good to be true. For the briefest of moments he was tempted to agree with the boy and forget he had ever started this conversation – but his mind interrupted his heart.

_One day he'll look at you Severus and truly see you for the first time. Do you want to wait for that day? Do you want to see the look in his eyes when he **recoils** in disgust from you, **horrified **that he once wanted you and is sickened by the memory of your hands touching him? No. End it now._

"Important to you? Snape…your unfair nasty bastard of a professor – who's also a Death Eater by the way – is important to you? Are you out of your mind?" Snape said scornfully.

"You are NOT a Death Eater anymore," Harry reminded him.

Snape's dark eyes filled with rage, incensed by the idea that anyone could believe, even for a moment, that they understood Severus Snape and his life. He glared at Harry menacingly as he spoke, "You THINK you know me, Potter. But you don't. I am not an object of desire – I promise you that I am quite the opposite. In fact, if you _really_ knew me, you would run screaming from here, I assure you."

"You are wrong," Harry said confidently.

"_No I'm not! _You would be wise to leave alone the things which you cannot even _pretend _to understand. Do not question me on this any further Potter, or you will be sorry. And now, I must ask that you leave and never mention this again."

"But…"

"Get out Potter!" Snape said, his voice raised.

Harry decided there was no use arguing with Snape any longer. Besides, Snape had raised many questions in Harry's mind and certainly had given Harry a lot to think about. And Harry knew he needed to find the answers before he spoke with Snape again.

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The past fortnight had been a blur to Harry. His classes were requiring more attention and his lessons with Snape were occupying the rest of his free time. Snape was relentless with the reading, spell work and Occlumency training. It was strangely disconcerting how quickly and easily Snape had reverted back to his snide tone and biting sarcasm in his dealings with Harry. It was not so easy for Harry. On his first lesson after the dissolution of their 'liaison,' Harry had nearly used Snape's first name – but the man's furious glare snapped Harry out of the habit quite rapidly. What bothered Harry the most was that Snape behaved almost as if their relationship had never happened – and Harry momentarily wondered if he had imagined the whole thing.

Harry didn't have the faintest idea of what was going on with Snape. And over the past two weeks the man's cold dealings with him gave him pause. Maybe Harry had been wrong, maybe Snape _had _just grown tired of him. Maybe it was that simple. But some part of Harry sensed that there was more to the story.

Harry was at a loss for what to do. He had carefully considered each of the points Snape made in their conversation and decided to address each in turn. First, Snape believed he was too old for him. This unfortunately could not be remedied, but Harry decided that it was also the least important point. After all, by wizarding standards, twenty years was not a significant age difference. Second, Snape had suggested that Harry's complete lack of experience in relationships with other men had made him fall for the first man he knew shared the same preference. He didn't particularly like the idea of finding a boyfriend just to prove a point, but he decided he needed all the ammunition against Snape that he could get. And, he reluctantly admitted, perhaps Snape was right – he needed to know for himself if his feelings were real.

So two days ago, against his better judgment, he approached a very good acquaintance of his, Geoffrey from Ravenclaw, who he happened to know shared similar preferences. More than that, he was possibly the most attractive young man at the school and as such, the perfect candidate for Harry's little 'experiment.' He was surprised when Geoffrey was all too eager to help Harry. Beyond the expected nervousness and surging hormones, the encounter was surprisingly mediocre. While pressed against the wall with warm lips against his, and Geoffrey reaching his hand down to grab Harry through his pants, Harry found himself thinking about Snape. But not only all the ways that Snape smelled different, tasted different and felt different, but also how Snape would feel if he knew what Harry was doing at that very moment in the Room of Requirement. And Harry had his answer. He thanked Geoffrey for his help, and for his discretion.

Today, he continued his reflections on point number three: the fact that he could never tell anyone that he fancied Snape, proven by the point that he had not yet told his friends that he fancied men. Harry couldn't argue with this point and decided he needed to speak with Hermione.

Dragging her behind a stone pillar on their way to Transfiguration, he blurted out: "Hermione there's something important I need to tell you. I like guys."

Hermione smiled at him. She seemed utterly unsurprised, "I'm glad you finally felt comfortable enough to tell me Harry."

"You knew?"

"I suspected. Don't worry Harry, I'm more perceptive than most if you're worried about that. Are you seeing someone? Is that why you're telling me?"

Even though he wanted to prove Snape wrong, he couldn't rightly tell Hermione he was seeing Snape since their relationship was over. He decided it best to leave that detail out and not jinx his chances of getting Snape back. "Well I was…sort of. But it ended rather quickly."

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry. If you want to talk about it, let me know. But for now, let's go, I don't want to be late for class."

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His coming out to Hermione had gone rather well. But he really hadn't expected anything different from her. She was truly a remarkable friend. He wasn't so confident in Ron's reaction and he decided he better wait on that conversation. He focused his attentions on the last point Snape had made. It was perhaps the most difficult. How did Harry feel about Snape? What did he hope to gain from this relationship? Harry had spent the past three weeks thinking very seriously about these questions. He asked himself how exactly Snape made him feel? _Sheer ecstasy_, Harry thought immediately. But Harry knew that it was more than that. Even though the emotional distance between them now was difficult to bear, Harry enjoyed being down in the dungeons with Snape for his lessons. Before everything had collapsed on him, he had felt completely comfortable and safe in the man's presence. Thinking back on the simple joy he felt helping Snape grade papers or making him a pot of tea, he almost wished he could take back what had happened between them and return to their tentative friendship. Almost, but not quite! He didn't understand why Snape had ended things – but he certainly wasn't going to let go without a fight.

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**A/N:** Please review.

Special thanks to Hoshi Tamamushiirono for betaing this chapter for me and making some helpful suggestions. And for your always helpful comments in your reviews – please keep them coming. I need someone to always keep me on my toes.

Thanks to everyone for their positive reviews of the last chapter - I'm sooooo glad you 'enjoyed' it.

Can't wait for your reviews. I especially crave everyone's comments on Snape's conversation with Harry. And please don't be too heartbroken about the twist in plot – even though I know you all are. Look on the bright side, this is where the story takes the plunge into major SnapeAngst! Also, here is my fair warning to all – the shocker of Snape's sudden breakup with Harry is but a small taste of what is to come. So don't get too comfortable…


	14. A horrific nightmare

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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Warnings for Chpt 14: rape (non-graphic but VERY disturbing, not for the squeamish), strong language

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_**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 14: A horrific nightmare**

That night, Harry prepared for bed excitedly. It was the day before the term's reading periodand he had a four-day weekend ahead of him. He decided he would go to see Snape over the weekend and try to speak with him. He cared deeply about this man, and Harry needed him to know that before he was so easily cast aside.

Harry was only vaguely aware that he was dreaming as a series of images flashed before him. Although he was thankful for the detached awareness which accompanied these sorts of dreams, they were no less disturbing.

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A group of ten Death Eaters had their gazes trained on their Lord and Master. Voldemort's blood red eyes were radiating his fury. There was a man in the center of the circle; his head was bent down in a submissive posture. He was speaking, but Harry didn't know what he was saying. His words, however, did not appear to improve Voldemort's temperament.

Harry cringed as he felt the power of the Unforgivable when it left Voldemort's wand. Then suddenly the man was lying on the ground, his thin body contorting itself in impossible ways – his spine bending back unnaturally, as if it might snap in two at any moment.

The muscles in his arms and legs contracted with such force, that it seemed as though his ligaments and tendons were on the verge of being torn from his bones. The man's eyes, visible through his mask, had rolled back completely into his head; only the whites of his eye's were visible. A steady stream of saliva was flowing from his mouth. Despite the desperate movements of his body, Harry was vaguely aware that no sound escaped his lips.

Abruptly, the curse was lifted and the man began frantically gasping for air. He would have no respite, however. A nod from Voldemort was all his Death Eaters needed as they swarmed around the helpless man. They began clawing at him, tearing at his robes and flesh. Chaos gave way to organized madness as the Death Eaters took their turn with the man. One by one they undid their robes before stepping into the center of the circle – the methodical brutality of their actions appalled Harry, as they violently raped the now screaming man. His cries made Harry's blood run cold.

After some time had passed, the sated Death Eaters reformed the original circle. The man was now naked and trembling, but summoned all his remaining strength and used it to crawl unsteadily forward, towards his tormentor. Voldemort sat casually in his chair, a satisfied sneer on his revoltingly sadistic face.

"I do not tolerate incompetence. Do not disappoint me again or I will not be so kind."

"Of course, my Lord," the man managed, his voice hoarse, due to his frenzied screams. "Thank you. You are most merciful, my Lord."

"Take some time to reflect on my words before you return to me, Severus."

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Harry started awake. _Severus! It was Severus? Oh please God, let it not be real. _Harry ignored the burning pain in his scar as he hurriedly dressed, grabbed his invisibility cloak and made his way down to the dungeons. When he got there, he entered Snape's quarters and was distressed to find them empty. After what seemed like an eternity, Harry heard the office door open and someone making their way to the sitting room where he was standing.

Harry could tell that Snape did not see him as he entered. His robes were torn and wet, and clung to his body. He was covered in mud and blood – _so much blood!_ – and there was pain etched all over his face. Harry noticed a pronounced and clearly involuntary twitch in his body. Observing him more closely, Harry could see that Snape's steps were slow and tentative, every movement apparently causing him excruciating pain.

Harry had not moved, but Snape became suddenly aware of his presence – the man's face clearly betraying the horror he felt at seeing Harry standing there. Only a moment later, Snape's face became once more impassively opaque.

"What are you doing here?" he managed, his voice still hoarse.

Harry made his way over to Snape slowly. He decided it best to not mention his dream.

"I wanted to see you. What happened? Are you alright? Can I help you?" Harry asked with concern evident in his voice.

"You can help me by leaving."

"No. You're bleeding. I'm going to get Madam Pomfrey," Harry said.

"No!" Snape bellowed, his voice suddenly strong.

"I have to get someone, Professor. You're not looking good. Perhaps Professor Dumbledore?" Harry offered, this time moving quickly towards the door.

"No. Please don't!" Snape said, his voice sounding desperate now.

Harry sensed his desperation, and relented. "Well then let me help you."

Snape instructed Harry to retrieve a box of potions from the mantel. Snape began downing a great deal of them, only some of which Harry recognized. Snape took three vials of a powerful pain reducer, followed by a potion to aid in blood clotting, as well as a blood-replenishing potion. Then he drank a few more that Harry could not identify followed by a strong muscle relaxant and finally two doses of a sedative.

Snape was leaning against his desk, and swaying on his feet as though he was about to fall down. He refused Harry's requests for him to sit. He began penning a note to someone. At first Harry was about to protest, but realized it was probably a note to Dumbledore letting him know he'd returned. At least Dumbledore would come check on him after Snape described the events of the meeting, Harry thought with relief. Snape flooed the letter to Dumbledore's office and began making his way towards his bedroom. Harry moved forward, wrapping his arm gently around Snape's waist in an attempt to help him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Snape asked, annoyed.

"I am helping you to your bed. Please don't argue with me."

Snape was apparently too exhausted to argue. With Harry's help, he staggered to the bed; he flopped onto his stomach, making no effort to remove his bloody and mud stained robes. Harry began removing Snape's shoes and then covered him with a blanket. He leaned down to ask if there was anything else he could do, but found Snape was already unconscious.

It was an unfamiliar feeling seeing Snape helpless like this. Harry did not like it. He needed to reach out and touch Snape – to reassure him that someone was there, someone who cared. Gently, he touched his cheek, carefully avoiding the bruises on his face. His wanted to move his hand through his hair, but didn't, as it was matted in places where his blood had dried. He moved away and sat down in a chair in the far corner of the room.

Harry had never been in Snape's bedroom before and he couldn't help looking around. Snape's enormous four-poster bed, on which he now lay, stood directly opposite a roaring hearth. The bed was draped in blue curtains so dark they appeared almost black. The duvet was same blue color, and contrasted sharply with the cream-colored satin sheets and pillows. Harry wondered idly what they would look like in the morning. The bedside tables, dresser and armoire were made of a rich, deeply stained mahogany, and the rug covering the floor was tan with flecks of black. Harry noticed a door in the corner, which he assumed was the bathroom. After his brief survey of the room, Harry's eyes moved back over to Snape's unconscious form and waited for him to awaken.

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As Snape woke up, he felt waves of pain shooting through his entire body and his eyes were still too heavy to open. The agony he felt reminded him that last night was not a dream. The horror _was _real and it was _his _life. He felt his Mark still burning in his skin, a reminder that he was Voldemort's property, a reminder that he would have to return again when he was next summoned. The idea of going back to Him, no matter how much time he had before then, made his stomach heave, and he moved his head over the side of his bed and became sick. As he moved back, he noticed Harry sitting in the corner.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" Snape snapped.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay. I couldn't just leave you here after…" Harry said, stopping suddenly.

"Why were you here last night?" Snape asked, his voice full of suspicion.

"Uhmm…I uhmm…" Harry started, desperately searching for a plausible answer. Unconsciously, he placed his hand on his forehead and touching his scar, which was still aching painfully.

Snape noticed this gesture immediately, and a knowing look of horror crept into his eyes. _Oh no! He didn't! Please no._ "You….YOU…" Snape breathed angrily. A vein on his forehead was throbbing visibly. "What did you see?" he asked savagely.

"Nothing…I…" Harry lied, but faltered, not knowing what to say.

Snape saw straight through Harry's untruth and didn't need to hear anymore. With all the energy he could muster, he spat vehemently at him, "Potter, if you breath a _single bloody word _of what you have seen to anyone, I swear to you that I will inflict horrors so unspeakable upon you that you will _beg me _to deliver you to the Dark Lord himself for mercy and respite. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes, of course. I would never say anything, sir. I…"

"And I never want to hear you mention this to me ever again," Snape roared.

"Of course, sir."

"Now get the hell out of my sight," Snape said forcefully.

Snape watched Harry leave his quarters. _Harry knows! _He wondered exactly how much Harry had seen in his dream, but Snape remembered the look in Harry's eyes – a look that said he had seen too much. A lump of humiliation formed in his throat. He reached for his wand and adjusted his wards to exclude everyone, including Harry. After spelling his robes off, he began the task of methodically healing his wounds. At least he had a four-day weekend ahead of him. He certainly needed the time to recover.

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**A/N:** PLEASE review.

Thanks to everyone for their positive comments on the last chapter and not sending electronic hexes for me writing their breakup. And for those of you who thought the last chapter wasn't angsty enough - I'm sure this qualifies. Poor Severus - I'm so horrible to him.

In the next chapter, 'And the day after...' Harry is very worried because he hasn't seen Snape for 2 days. What will he do?

Please review - I live off of your reviews. I'm currently unemployed, people - I have nothing else to do! - except get job rejections which doesn't exactly build my self esteem. Please review. Thanks a bunch.


	15. And the day after

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** cocoa-snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 15: And the day after...**

After leaving Snape's quarters early Thursday morning, Harry easily snuck back into Gryffindor tower using his invisibility cloak. He went straight for the showers, and after changing, he sat down in the common room, which was already beginning to fill with Gryffindors excited about the long weekend. Harry could not shake the idea that the last 8 hours had been just a horrible nightmare. What was he going to do? He felt bad about leaving Snape alone and injured but he had promised him that he would tell no one. But at least, Harry mused, he would get to see Snape at meals.

But as is turned out, Snape did not make an appearance at any meals that day. While everyone was enjoying their dinner, Harry barely ate a bite and spent most of his time glancing over at the Head Table. He looked over at Dumbledore, who was happily enjoying his fifth pumpkin cream puff of the evening and wondered if he knew anything about Snape.

That evening, Harry went by the dungeons. He was surprised at first when the wards refused him entrance. He knocked on the door, and after several minutes, began to pound on it. Finally, he slumped onto the floor and waited. Periodically, he would get back up and pound on the door some more, begging Snape to let him in. Harry woke up a few hours later and realizing it was very late and clearly past curfew, made his way back to Gryffindor tower once again.

The next day did not treat Harry any better. Snape did not come to breakfast or lunch. Harry sent Hedwig to deliver a note to Professor Snape that read: 'Please just send word that you are ok. Harry.' But Hedwig returned with the note, and her frustrated hoot indicated that she could not deliver it. Had Snape shut his owl window? And when Snape did not make an appearance at Friday's dinner either, Harry was beginning to panic. Noticing that he was ignoring his food once again, Hermione finally snapped.

"Harry, for the tenth time, will you tell me what's bothering you? You've been looking so worried for the past two days."

"It's nothing."

"It most certainly is not nothing," Hermione said.

"Yeah mate," said Ron. "You're really bumming me out. I mean we have a four-day weekend and you've spent half of it in la-la land. What gives?"

Harry looked back over at the Head Table and then back at Hermione and Ron.

Hermione caught on immediately. "Does this have something to do with Professor Snape? I've noticed he hasn't been to any meals in the past two days."

Worried that Hermione would put two and two together and figure out that Snape had been the target of Harry's affections, he twisted his anxiety into the only lie he knew Hermione would believe. "No. It's just that I…I had another dream…you know…about Voldemort. I'm thinking about going to see Professor Dumbledore about it is all."

"Oh," said Hermione seriously. "You should _absolutely _go and see him. It could be important."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Harry said, playing along.

Ron seemed glad that was cleared up, adding: "Harry, listen, I almost forgot to tell you. The team is planning on playing the coolest trick on the Ravenclaw team since we're supposed to play them next week and they did that thing a month ago where they jinxed my broomstick. It's on for tonight."

"Oh…I…I think I'm going to see Professor Dumbledore tonight," Harry lied, trying to make up an excuse. He wanted to head right down to the dungeons after dinner.

"Can't you do that later?" asked Ron.

Hermione elbowed him. "Ron, don't be stupid. This is more important than some stupid prank. Harry, don't listen to him." Ron didn't seem too happy, but Harry didn't have time to be worried about Ron.

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After dinner, Harry had gone once again to see Snape. Not surprisingly, Snape's wards were as strong as ever, and Harry was unable to gain entrance. He beat his fists against the door some more, and wondered again if Snape even knew he was trying to get in. Perhaps Snape has cast a silencing spell to block out the noise – in that case, all his knocking was in vain. But Harry was relentless and continuing pounding on the door for what seemed like forever. Eventually, his hands were throbbing and he had to stop.

Suddenly, Harry heard a voice speaking in Parseltongue: "Has the pathetic little Gryffindor finally given up his rantingsss? I want some ressst."

Harry spun around, facing the portrait of Salazar Slytherin. Harry responded back in the snake language: "Perhapsss you should not insssult people while they are ssstanding right in front of you. I'm worried about Professor Sssnape – he's a Sssslytherin, shouldn't you be worried about him too?"

The portrait was clearly shocked: "A fellow Parssselmouth. It has been quite sssome time sssince I've had the pleasure. I have no reason to be worried about Severussss. I haven't seen him sssince he was with you lassst."

"He hasn't left his quartersss sssince then?"

"No."

"Are you sssure that no one has come to ssee him? Professor Dumbledore perhapsss?"

"No one. And yessss, I am sssure. Goodnight _brave _Gryffindor," he said sarcastically.

Harry couldn't take another minute of this. It hadn't occurred to him to find out if Snape had been alone in his quarters this entire time. Harry had just assumed that if Snape hadn't visited Dumbledore, that the Headmaster would have surely paid him a visit by now. Now Harry was really worried. Snape had been in there for 2 days – alone. Harry thought back to the severity of Snape's injuries. Snape seemed confident he could deal with them on his own, but perhaps something had happened to him. Harry decided that he needed to talk to someone, even if it meant breaking his promise to Snape. There was no question who that someone should be.

Storming off, Harry nearly ran to the other side of the castle over to Dumbledore's office. It was getting late, and Harry hoped he could catch the Headmaster before he'd gone to bed. Stopping before the stone gargoyle, Harry tried a variety of passwords – lemon drops, lemon sherbet, lemon meringue pie, lemon soufflé. Dumbledore did seem to be favoring lemon these days after all! But Harry suddenly remembered that at dinner Dumbledore was particularly keen on something new the house elves had prepared.

"Pumpkin cream puffs!" he said, and the gargoyle moved slowly to the side and Harry ascended the moving spiral staircase.

Harry knocked on the oak door and heard a strong voice say, "Enter please."

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, papers and books covering its entirety. Harry was happy to see he had not woken the Headmaster up.

"Harry my boy! To what do I owe the honor at that hour?"

"I'm sorry for disturbing you Professor."

"Not at all Harry – I was just sitting here and thinking. I daresay I do that quite a bit. I could use an interruption. What can I do for you?"

"I…well…I'm worried about Professor Snape."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Indeed? And why is that Harry?" Suddenly Harry felt uncomfortable talking to the Headmaster about this, but there was no turning back now.

"Well…I haven't seen him at any meals for two days and he's modified the wards on his quarters so that I haven't been able to get into his office to check on him."

"I see. So you haven't had any lessons with him then?"

"No sir."

"I see," Dumbledore said, apparently deep in thought. A long silence stretched between them and Harry was starting to get a bit irritated. He really didn't want to go into details, but apparently that was going to be necessary.

Harry interrupted the silence: "Professor, I know that he was called by Voldemort two nights ago."

"You do? Hmm, perhaps we should move to the sitting room and discuss this over tea."

They moved to the back room and Harry was glad it seemed he'd finally gotten Dumbledore's attention. After being offered a variety of sweets, all of which he refused, Dumbledore spoke again.

"How do you know that Professor Snape was summoned by Voldemort, Harry?"

Harry gulped. Here it was. "I had a dream that night and I went to go check on him afterwards and well, he was in bad shape. He kicked me out of quarters and I haven't seen him since. I'm very worried. I was hoping that you could go check on him."

Dumbledore leaned forward, his blue eyes peering over his spectacles: "Harry is there something you are not telling me?" Dumbledore sensed Harry's hesitation and pressed on. "Did you by any chance see what happened at this meeting in your dream?"

Harry was beginning to sweat. "Didn't he tell you about it?" Harry asked uncertainly.

"Not details no, I received a note from him telling me that there was little information of use to the Order."

"Oh," Harry said, not knowing what quite to say next.

"He did also mention that he had some important experiments to attend to over the long weekend."

Harry remained quiet. He was beginning to really worry now that Dumbledore was not going to help him.

Sensing his anxiety, Dumbledore got up, and moved to sit next to Harry on the couch. "Harry, tell me what happened in your dream," he said gently.

"I…I'm sorry Professor, but I can't do that. I…he made me promise and he would be upset if I—"

"Harry, how long have you and Professor Snape been involved?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling.

Harry felt himself blush. How did Dumbledore know? What a stupid question. Of course Dumbledore knew! The man could see straight through him!

Sensing the boy's embarrassment, Dumbledore quickly said: "It's alright Harry. You are of age correct?"

"Yes Professor."

"Excellent then!" Dumbledore said loudly, dismissing that part of their conversation. "Now please tell me everything you think necessary for me to understand your concern for Severus. I am sure he will forgive you given how worried you are about him."

"Well, we'd just recently, you know…"

"Gotten romantically involved?" Dumbledore suggested helpfully.

"Yeah." Although romantic was definitely not the word to describe it, Harry mused, but nonetheless it conveyed the point. "It was just about a month ago. Then three weeks ago he told me that things were over between us and never to mention it again."

"Indeed?" Dumbledore smiled, apparently unsurprised by the brevity of their relationship.  
Realizing that his last words implicated Snape in some sort of cover-up, Harry rephrased them – he didn't want Dumbledore to misinterpret his message, "I mean…he said never to mention it to _him _again. After he broke it off, he told me I should come to talk to you about it though."

"And why didn't you Harry?" Dumbledore asked with a smile, as though he already knew the answer.

"Well, first I didn't want things to be over and I kind of thought that he only wanted me to talk to you if it meant getting him in trouble."

Dumbledore's smile widened, "How very perceptive of you Harry. Please continue."

"Well, I was actually planning on talking to him about…you know, _us, _this weekend, but then…well…two nights ago I dreamed about the meeting and I went to his quarters to see him. He'd just gotten back and he was in a horrible state. He wasn't very happy to see me." Harry took a deep breath and looked at the floor as he spoke. "His ropes were wet, and covered in blood and mud. He looked so awful. He was twitching a lot from the Cruciatus – I mean, he was trying to hide it from me, but I could tell it was really bad. He's normally so good at hiding these things."

Harry looked up and saw the concern on Dumbledore's face. He motioned for Harry to continue.

"I told him I was going to get either you or Madam Pomfrey, but his eyes went crazy and he begged me not to. He asked me to leave him alone. I helped him to the bed and he passed out. I stayed with him and the next morning when he woke up he figured out that I had dreamed about the meeting and he was so angry – the look in his eyes…it was scary. So I left, and I haven't been able to get into his quarters since even though I've been begging him to let me in. I even owled him and Hedwig couldn't deliver the message. I'm scared that something's happened to him Professor." Harry dropped his head in his hands and released a deep sigh, glad he had finally unburdened himself to someone.

"I see. And what about the dream you had Harry? Can you tell me about it?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably. "I'd rather not say, sir. I promised him that I wouldn't."

"I understand."

But Harry added urgently, _desperate _for Dumbledore to understand: "But it was _very very _bad Professor."

Harry felt tears welling up in his eyes. He looked directly into Dumbledore's eyes, willing him to look into his mind and view the memory. Somehow it wouldn't seem like Harry was breaking Snape's trust this way. But Dumbledore did not avail himself of the opportunity, either not understanding Harry's offer or not accepting it. He placed his hand on Harry's back and said soothingly, "It's going to be alright Harry. I shall go speak with Severus tonight. Thank you for coming to me."

Dumbledore got up walked to a nearby shelf and pulled out a vial. "Now, I want you to take this and go back to Gryffindor tower and get some rest. It's Restless Sleep, a mild sleeping and relaxation potion and from the looks of you my boy, it seems you need it."

Harry downed the potion. "Thank you Professor."

"Not a problem – now straight to bed with you. I don't want you falling asleep in the corridor. You don't have any classes tomorrow, and you should take the opportunity to sleep in."

"Goodnight Professor and thank you again." With that, Harry left and headed toward Gryffindor tower.

On his way there, Harry realized that he had made the correct decision in coming to speak with Dumbledore. He was relieved at the idea that the Headmaster was going to check on Snape this very moment. The past two days had been absolute hell. He had never been so worried about someone in his whole life. Harry stopped dead at the thought, but resumed walking, remembering Dumbledore's words about not falling asleep in the hall. Worry was one thing, Harry reflected. But sleeping on the cold dungeon floor, being paralyzed with constant fear and anxiety, and saying silent prayers to anyone who would listen asking for Snape's safety was another thing entirely. If the past two days had taught him anything, it was that this clearly wasn't about sex. He could have gotten that in the comforts of Gryffindor tower if he so desired, not to mention the fact that Snape had made it more than abundantly clear that their relationship was over.

Harry forced himself to say it out loud, "It's over."

If Harry hadn't yet accepted it – it was certainly a fact now. Snape had had his problems before – but they couldn't compare to what he would be going through now because of this experience. And Harry recognized that not only would be impossible to resume a relationship with Snape any time soon, it would be wrong of him to even ask. Harry only wished he could help to somehow, someway ease the burden and pain Snape was feeling at this very moment. He would have given anything to take it away from him. Yes, Harry reflected, it was over between them. And suddenly it occurred to Harry in that moment that that fact was _insignificant_ to him next to knowing that Snape would be alright – not just tonight, but tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and the day after…

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**A/N:** THANK YOU all for the overwhelming response to the last chapter. Wow oh wow...  
I truly apologize if I scarred anyone - but as I warned you...I aim to shock.

A very special thank you to everyone who reviewed my story for the first time - I hope you will continue to read and review!

And thanks for the reviewers for pointing out my faux pas re: thanksgiving. Severus would call me a dunderhead! I made that change immediately and am grateful. Please keep my on my toes.

In the next chapter, "Goodnight my dear Severus," Dumbledore goes and pays an unexpected visit on his Potions Master and good friend. Snape is unhappy with this development...but Dumbledore is as charming and perfect as ever. This is my favorite chapter so far - if you like Dumbledore as much as I do, I hope you will agree as well.


	16. Goodnight my dear Severus

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. Iborrowed a line from GoF, authored by the amazing JKR.  
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Warnings for Chpt 16: non-graphic references to rape

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**A/N:**  
This chapter is what inspired me to begin working on another fan fiction (don't worry – I will finish this one!) that focuses exclusively on the relationship between Dumbledore and Snape (spanning from SS's school years to the present). **IF** such a fic interests you (no Harry in this one), I'd appreciate it if as you read this, you think about what works and what doesn't in their interaction in this chapter. And what specifically you like (and don't like) since I am using this as a primer for my new story and your comments will influence it. Thank you!  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 16: Good night my dear Severus**

Dumbledore had initially thought nothing of his Potions Master's desire for privacy over the long weekend. The Headmaster knew that if it were up to Severus, he would devote all his time to research and this weekend afforded him an opportunity to pursue his passion uninterrupted. So when Dumbledore received Snape's note, he was not at all surprised or worried. In fact, he knew that Severus was particularly keen on being alone after attending a Death Eater meeting proffering no significant information for the Order. Dumbledore recognized that what Severus needed most was to feel useful.

Since Severus had appeared on his doorstep over 16 years ago, with perhaps his own agenda at the time, Dumbledore had come to trust Severus Snape implicitly. But more than that, he had grown to love Severus like the son he never had. He had often tried to convey how proud and grateful he was to Severus for sacrificing so much for the Order, but the man seemed to view the task as his duty, and perhaps, as some sort of penance. Dumbledore always worried that Severus wasn't fully honest with him about the pain he endured at these meetings, be it physical or psychological, and he wondered if perhaps this time things had gone too far – even a man as disciplined as Severus Snape had his limits, although he would never admit them. As Dumbledore approached the dungeons, he was hoping against hope that Harry was wrong to be worried about his Potion's Master – but he knew better.

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'_If I thought I could help you but putting you into an enchanted sleep and allowing you to postpone the moment when you would have to think about what has happened that night, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you feel finally it.' Albus Dumbledore, GoF, page 695._

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Severus Snape had not slept much the past two days. He'd been very busy – working on improving many different potions, inventing new ones – anything and everything to keep his mind off his last encounter with Voldemort. He had refused Harry's repeated attempts to gain entry into his quarters, and eventually he cast a silencing charm so that he could ignore the boy's hideous poundings altogether. Now, with a glass of fine single malt scotch in one hand and a glass stirrer in the other, he was carefully mixing this new (and hopefully) improved version of wolfsbane. But as the potion began to take on a greenish tint, Snape knew it was not to be; the potion was ruined. Frustrated, he sighed aloud.

Abruptly, he felt the magical wards that protected his quarters and now more importantly, his privacy, receding – so gently and easily, he knew it could only be one person.

"Damn it," he muttered. It had to be the Headmaster. Anyone else would have to blow up half of Hogwarts to get past his wards, or they wouldn't be able to get in at all. Snape knew there was only one thing that would bring Dumbledore to his door at this late hour. He wanted to check on him after his latest meeting with the Dark Lord.

Snape often wondered why he put up with this – all the stress of being a spy, all the pain. But the answer was never more than a moment away. He would do anything for the Order. No, not the Order…for Albus. When he first went to the Headmaster with his confession of being a Death Eater so many years ago, he had hated Dumbledore for his righteousness, and he had sworn that no matter what the man did to help him, he would never let himself be sucked into Dumbledore's philanthropy. Better to despise him than to be indebted to him. But that was when Dumbledore's gift was a mere second chance for freedom. Now, Snape realized that it was, _had been all along_, a far more profound offering. Not really a gift at all, more of a return, a _renewal_ of Snape's soul, a second chance to be trusted. Dumbledore believed in him like no one ever had, and he became like the father Snape had always wanted. Severus Snape realized a long time ago that he could deny Albus Dumbledore _nothing_.

Snape snapped himself out of his train of thought and quickly threw on a black robe over his disheveled grey pajamas, which he hadn't bothered to change for nearly two days now. As he moved to exit his lab, he felt his wards returning to full strength again.

Dumbledore peered around the corner into Snape's workroom. There were bottles everywhere, papers strewn about, and several cauldrons bubbling vigorously – not typical of his meticulously neat Potions Master. Snape emerged, tying off his black robe.

"Severus."

"Headmaster, is something wrong?" Snape asked.

"Not at all. I am sorry for intruding. Am I interrupting?"

"Well actually—"

But Dumbledore pretended not to hear him and continued, "I came to see how you are, my boy. You've missed quite a few meals, but I see you've been keeping yourself busy." _Surely a sign of stress, or perhaps trying to keep your mind off something,_ Dumbledore thought loudly enough for Severus to hear him.

"Did you not get my note, Albus?" Snape asked a bit harshly.

"Indeed I did. But Harry came to see me this evening…" Dumbledore began, noting the momentary look of panic in Snape's eyes. "He told me that he's been frantically trying to see you for the past two days. He asked me to check on you."

"Why that insolent little—" Snape spat angrily.

"Now Severus, he's extremely worried about you, and if I'm not very much mistaken…he's quite fond of you," Dumbledore's said, his eyes twinkling.

Snape was momentarily shocked by this statement, but said, "Albus, perhaps I should explain…"

But Dumbledore put up his hand, silencing him. "He didn't volunteer that information by the way, but it wasn't very difficult to figure out. And there is no need for an explanation, Severus. I believe we have already had this conversation if my old mind is not deceiving me. Harry is of age and your relationship with him would not normally concern me, except perhaps now."

"What do you mean?"

"You are shutting him out at a time when you might benefit from his presence the most."

"I don't need anyone. Besides, any short-lived _relationship,_" Snape spat at the ugliness of that word, "that Mr. Potter and I may have had is over, so you need not be concerned about him any longer."

"I'm so sorry to hear that. And I didn't come here out of concern for Harry, I came because I was concerned about you. And so it seems with good reason. You look quite pale Severus – have you been eating at all?" Dumbledore didn't wait for the answer. He snapped his fingers and a house elf appeared next to him. "Please bring Professor Snape something to eat – an assortment of sandwiches, soup and tea for two please." With that the house elf nodded and disappeared.

Snape opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore interrupted him. "Don't argue with me Severus. You know you won't win." Dumbledore's eyes gleamed.

"You look quite unsteady on your feet, my boy. Come sit down." Dumbledore looked over at a chair in the corner with a mild grimace, pointed his wand at it and wordlessly transfigured it into a very comfortable couch, complete with a full ottoman. Red and gold pillows and blankets appeared as well. The couch looked more like a bed than anything else. Snape looked quite annoyed.

Noting his expression, Dumbledore said, "My apologies, Severus. I was forgetting myself," and pointed his wand again at the pillows and blankets. Their colors changed to Slytherin green and silver. "There. That's better isn't it?" he asked with a smile. But Snape did not seem to think so. Dumbledore sat down, looking quite pleased with himself. The house elf reappeared with the food and Dumbledore spoke again: "Make sure Professor Snape is brought breakfast, lunch, and dinner to his quarters for the next two days. He will be dining in." With that, the elf disappeared.

"Please come and sit down, Severus," Dumbledore said, motioning next to him, as he began pouring tea and arranging a plate of food for his Potions Master. Snape moved slowly, trying to hide his limp as well as the distinct discomfort he felt as he sat down. He adjusted himself a few times, but gratefully Dumbledore appeared not to notice. Or so he thought.

"Are you ever planning on seeing Poppy about that leg?"

"It's fine. The last thing I need is Poppy fussing over me."

"Don't be silly."

"I'm taking care of it," Snape insisted.

"And the rest of your injuries," Dumbledore asked gently, "are you taking care of them as well?"

Snape wondered for a moment if Dumbledore knew, but huffed silently at his own question. _Of course he knows! Damn it._

"Eat," Dumbledore commanded.

Although he wasn't feeling very hungry, Snape ate, trying to appease Dumbledore, who sat there smiling at him as he drank his tea. The house elf had also brought some pumpkin cream puffs for the Headmaster, and he looked quite pleased at this. Dumbledore began an exhaustive account of the events that Snape had missed over the past two days – the various desserts that the house elves had served at dinner, a prank the Gryffindor Quidditch team (excluding Harry) had played on the Ravenclaw team, and the incessant arguments between Professors Trelawney and McGonagall about one thing or another.

After he finished, Snape spoke. "Thank you Headmaster for that positively _riveting _account of events. And for the food and tea."

"Not a problem my boy." Dumbledore noticed Snape glancing over at the entrance to his quarters and continued kindly, "I'm not planning on leaving any time soon Severus, so you may refrain from looking at the door, unless you'd like to go for a walk with me – to the hospital wing perhaps."

"Albus—"

"Will you tell me what happened, Severus?" Dumbledore asked gently, and felt Snape's whole body stiffen sharply in response to his question.

After a momentary silence, Snape spoke softly, "He was…_displeased_ that I had failed yet again to deliver Potter to him. His anger is never pleasant," he said, quickly adding, "but I knew that going in."

"Do you think he knows your true loyalty?"

"If he did, he would have killed me immediately. He suspects most likely, but he is obviously not certain. Either that, or he thinks I can still be of some use to him."

"I fear that I cannot in all good conscience let you go back there," Dumbledore said slowly.

Snape's eyes went wide and he spoke urgently: "I must go back. As long as I can be of some service, however insignificant to the Order, I shall go. I have to go!"

"Severus—"

"Albus, don't do this to me, please," Snape said, almost begging now.

Dumbledore studied him carefully. He knew Severus needed this. To feel useful. Dumbledore relented. _For now let his self-worth be measured this way. Perhaps in time…_ he thought. Dumbledore spoke cautiously: "Perhaps if I could be assured of your safety…Why don't you and I think on this a while Severus and we can decide before you are next called. How long do you think we have?"

"It's hard to say, but probably not too long – a couple of weeks given his pattern. He'll want to see my remorse after having given me a chance to _reflect _on my loyalties," Severus said with hatred in his eyes.

"Severus, you know you are worth more than your work as a mere spy for the Order," Dumbledore reminded him.

"As you say Headmaster," Snape commented unbelievingly.

"You are worth more to me, my boy."

Silence.

"Severus, I know you don't want to speak with me about what happened," Dumbledore started, noting the panic entering Snape's normally emotionless expression, "but I can't ignore it. I, of course, don't know the details, but I can clearly see the pain that you are in and I don't mean physically. If you won't speak with me, then I'd like you to speak to someone else about this."

"Have you lost your mind Albus? Even if I wanted to speak to someone, which I _absolutely_ do not, who could I possibly speak to that wouldn't be a security risk to the Order?" Snape asked exasperated.

"I can think of someone, and they would be more than willing, even eager to speak with you," Dumbledore said encouragingly.

Snape stared at him for a moment "Potter?" he asked unbelievingly. "You_ have_ lost your mind."

"Fine, then speak with me. Why don't you start by telling me what happened between you and Harry?"

Despite not wanting to discuss this, relief washed over him as he realized he was not asked to speak about the events of two nights ago. Suddenly he realized that Dumbledore had, once again, masterfully conned him into opening up. And Snape was acutely aware that Dumbledore was not going to leave his quarters until he got what he wanted. "Sometimes you can be an insufferable old man Albus," Snape muttered not unkindly.

Dumbledore winked at Snape. "So you keep reminding me, Severus," Dumbledore said with fondness.

Sighing, Snape began: "There is nothing to tell. I let it go too far with him, which was my fault. And so I ended it."

"Harry doesn't seem to think it's over. In fact, I had to send him from my office with a dose of Restless Sleep to get the young man into bed. He's been camped outside your quarters for the better part of two days, you know."

Snape was momentarily stunned by this, but continued, "He's a child Albus. He doesn't know what he wants." Then shaking his head, he added, "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Perhaps you weren't Severus. Perhaps you were following your heart for once."

Snape scowled.

"I do love it when you scowl at me that way Severus – that's your look for 'I hate it when Albus Dumbledore is right!' again!" Dumbledore chuckled. "And you know very well Harry is hardly a child. He is far beyond his years and you should give him the benefit of the doubt as to what he wants."

"Albus please…he's a…he's a…Gryffindor!" Snape said, as though he couldn't find another way to complete that sentence.

Dumbledore began to laugh. "Indeed. You either love us or you hate us."

Snape began to speak in protest, but Dumbledore held up his hand, stopping him. "I shall send Harry to your quarters tomorrow afternoon and you will speak with him, if only to reassure him that you are not in any eminent danger."

"Fine, I shall see him. But under no circumstances am I going to discuss this with him Albus. That wretched boy may be having dreams about my life," he spat, _Damn him for that!_ "but it is none of his business."

"And your lessons with him?" Dumbledore asked, even though it was not really a question.

"If you want me to continue them Albus, I shall, of course oblige," Snape said with an air of resignation.

"Excellent then."

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

_He's waiting for me to say something_, thought Snape. _He's not going to get me to say anything._ _I'm not speaking first. _Snape broke his eye contact with Dumbledore and looked down at his feet, a small and unnecessary attempt to guard his mind. He knew Dumbledore would never force himself into his mind, but he felt better having taken the precaution nonetheless.

As the silence continued Snape's mind began to steer towards the events of two nights ago. _Control yourself_, he thought. It had been a long time since Snape had last felt the strain and difficulty of maintaining his mental walls that made him a master of Occlumency. He wondered if Dumbledore's presence was causing this weakening. He had to get Dumbledore to leave – he couldn't let Dumbledore be near him if his mental shields were lowered. He knew Dumbledore was a superb Legilimens, and he would detect the slightest weakness.

Breaking his earlier promise to himself, he spoke first: "I think now I would like some time alone Albus. Thank you for your visit."

"After we talk perhaps," Dumbledore said softly, his tone contradicting his staunch refusal to leave. A few more minutes of silence followed.

Dumbledore broke the silence, speaking gently, "Has this ever happened before, Severus?" Dumbledore's question, no matter how gently posed, was painful as the lash of a whip.

Snape said nothing for some time, hoping the question would be forgotten, but Dumbledore's eyes were unrelenting and Snape knew he had to answer.

He took a deep breath, "Not like this. He was…" He stopped, fearing he was about to lose control of his voice. He knew he could not finish.

Dumbledore reached over and placed his hand on top of Severus's, noticing immediately that the man was trembling.

Snape was nearly undone by this simple gesture. He felt the emotion welling up inside him, threatening to spill over. Although he wasn't looking at Dumbledore, he felt Albus willing him to continue. But Snape could not speak. He wanted to look up at Dumbledore – to send him his thoughts, but he couldn't bring himself to look at him. _If I look up at you, _Snape thought, _and I see your eyes filled with the sorrow that I know is there, I will crumble Albus. I couldn't bear to see that._

"Then don't look up my boy and go on," Dumbledore said so softly Snape thought he might have imagined it.

_He heard me!_

The Headmaster's mind was completely open, waiting for Snape to continue. Dumbledore had forged such a strong connection between them that Snape could barely hold his thoughts back once he began. _He was so much crueler than usual…that's almost funny isn't it…that he's capable of being more cruel. And there were so many of them, and they were laughing as they…as they…He let them all take turns…ALL of them… Oh bloody hell, why am I telling you this?_

Dumbledore's other hand centered itself on Snape's back and Snape heard the man's voice clearly in his head saying gently: _Let it out child._

Snape couldn't be sure if it was the additional gesture of affection or the prompting to go on that finally made him break. He was struggling not to cry. He was not going to let that happen – not in front of Dumbledore. He responded the only way he knew how. Angrily, he shot up from the couch, wrenching himself from Dumbledore's touch and looked directly at him.

"Damn it all to hell! Stop being so God-damned kind! I never wanted you to know Albus. Why must you be such a meddlesome fool? Isn't it enough that I go to _Him _for you? Do I have to relive it too? Can't you just ever leave me alone, old man?"

Dumbledore seemed completely unsurprised by the other man's outburst. He replied calmly: "Tell me why it was so important that I never know Severus?" There it was – quintessential Dumbledore – ignoring all the extraneous comments and insults and focusing in on the meat of Snape's outburst.

Snape's voice became unsteady again and he spoke in a strangled whisper, "I knew you'd never forgive yourself."

Dumbledore replied, his normally bright eyes looked weary and filled with pain, "You are right about that my dear boy." Dumbledore was about to continue, but Snape abruptly cut him off.

"This is not your burden to bear. It is mine…I did this!"

"Severus—" Dumbledore started, trying to correct him.

"NO!" Snape interrupted. "I became a Death Eater, I did horrible, wretched things. Things I still have nightmares about. This is the price I must pay. Not YOURS! MINE!" Snape yelled, clenching his teeth in rage.

"My dear child, I won't waste my time telling you that you've long ago atoned for what you did because you will not believe me. Of course those horrors will never fully go away, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt and to feel. You're allowed to be the victim Severus."

"No Albus. You are wrong. Pity is not for people like me…not for Death Eaters."

"It is not pity Severus, it is sympathy and compassion."

"Stop it Albus! This is my punishment! And it is no more than I deserve!" Snape said, his body shaking now.

Dumbledore got up slowly, placed his hands on Snape's shoulders and gently pushed him back down until he was once again seated. He sat beside Snape and forced Snape to meet his gaze.

"My dear boy, listen to me. No one deserves this. No one deserves what you have gone through. One day I hope you will lose this crushing burden of guilt you carry with you. But until then, never forget that you are not alone in this."

Snape looked down at his feet again, and felt Albus's hand move on top of his once more. They sat like that for what seemed like an eternity. And oddly enough, Snape was feeling relieved, a strange sensation of calm overcoming him. He wondered momentarily if telling Albus had been a good thing after all. Determined not admit it, however, he quashed that theory in favor of believing Dumbledore was sending him calming emotions through their mental link. Snape was also beginning to feel tired – he had expended quite a bit of energy yelling at the Headmaster. Dumbledore sensed it immediately.

"Now I shall finally grant your earlier request and leave. But not before I see you off to sleep. You need to rest my child," Dumbledore said, helping Severus lie back and tucking him in under the blankets. Snape was surprised that he was not annoyed at Dumbledore's ministrations, even though he pretended to be.

"Severus, promise me that you won't lock yourself down here forever. Start taking more of your meals with the staff again, and promise me you won't stop coming to see me. You know I enjoy our tea time too much."

Snape nodded reluctantly. He hated the fact that he had just made that promise, but he also knew he would keep it. He would never break a promise he made to Albus Dumbledore.

"Take this and no arguments," Dumbledore said producing a vial containing Snape's own version of Dreamless Draught. Snape didn't bother arguing at all. He downed the potion in one gulp and laid his head back on the pillow.

Before the deep sleep claimed him, he felt Albus lean down over him, kiss him gently on the forehead and say: "Good night my dear Severus."

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**A/N: **Everyone's impatience for my updates is very flattering. Thank you for all your positive comments.

PLEASE review this chapter – this one was my favorite to write. I really hoped you enjoyed it. I adore Albus.

In the next chapter, "Maybe if I'm lucky," Harry sees Snape again with Dumbledore's intervention and life goes on between the two of them - lessons, potions, arguments, etc. But things certainly don't get any easier for Snape.

please review


	17. Maybe if I'm lucky

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 17: Maybe if I'm lucky**

The next morning, Harry awoke later than he had wanted – the potion Dumbledore had given him had worked too well. He rushed into the Great Hall for Saturday morning brunch, and his heart sank as he stared once again at the empty chair belonging to Severus Snape. Dumbledore was there, however, and as Harry took his seat, he looked up hopefully at the Headmaster. Dumbledore smiled at Harry, meeting his eyes. Suddenly, Harry heard Dumbledore's voice clearly in his head, although Dumbledore's lips were not moving.

_Good morning Harry. Come see me in my office after you've eaten please. Oh, and be sure to try the apricot biscuits. They are excellent!_

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Harry rushed in to see Dumbledore after scarfing down his breakfast. "Did you see him last night, is he alright sir?"

"Sit down Harry, please. Rest assured, Professor Snape isn't in any danger and your lessons with him will resume on Monday."

Harry hesitated for a moment, but asked his question anyway. "Did he tell you what happened?"

"I cannot reveal to you what we discussed, Harry. But suffice it to say that it was substantial. I have arranged for him to see you and you may go by there after our meeting."

Noting Harry's look of excitement, Dumbledore cautioned him, "Do not be surprised Harry, if he is not happy to see you."

"Does he hate me for coming to see you last night?"

"No, he does not. But I'm certain you can understand that he is angry for what you saw in your dream…this is, after all, a very personal thing that Severus is going through," Dumbledore said with marked sadness in his eyes.

"Of course, sir. I understand. Thank you sir."

Harry made his way towards the door, wondering if he should share the revelation he had come to last night as he had made his way back to Gryffindor tower from Dumbledore's office. Stopping abruptly, Harry turned around and said forcefully, "I'm in love with him, sir."

Dumbledore leaned forward slightly in his chair, his blue eyes studying Harry carefully, almost as if he were trying to determine if Harry was telling the truth or perhaps wondering if he was insane. Harry was surprised that Dumbledore was no longer smiling, his expression was filled with, strangely enough, concern.

"That is a very serious thing to say, Harry. There is a difference, you know, between caring for someone, loving them even and being _in love _with them."

"Yes, I know, sir. I didn't know before, not really. But now I finally understand the difference, because I'm in love with Prof…with Severus. And he won't even talk to me," Harry said with exasperation.

"Harry, here is my best advice to you and I would strongly advise you to heed it."

Harry listened closely. He needed all the help he could get.

Dumbledore continued, his eyes peering over his half-mooned spectacles, "Be patient."

"Patient?" Harry asked disbelievingly.

"Yes Harry. There is a time for action and there is a time to wait. And now is the time for the latter. Do not let yourself get frustrated. It may take a very long time Harry, but I would suggest you let Severus decide when he is ready to speak to you. Keep your relationship entirely professional until then."

"But Professor…"

Dumbledore interrupted him. His eyes lacked the usual twinkle, and he spoke in an uncharacteristically serious tone, "Harry listen to me _very carefully_. I know Severus very well. You would not do well to push him on this."

"Right sir. Thank you."

"Goodbye Harry."  
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Harry made his way down to the dungeons. He kept repeating Dumbledore's words of advice in his head like a mantra. _Be patient. Don't push him. _This was going to be very hard indeed, Harry realized._ Remember, you promised him you would never mention what you saw ever again._

Just as Dumbledore had promised, the Snape's dungeon wards granted him immediate entrance.

"Hello Professor," Harry said as formally as he could muster. "It's good to see you. Ooh…nice couch!"

Snape looked somewhat annoyed. "Ah yes. That is the Headmaster's doing." He pointed his wand at the couch, which quickly transformed back into the straight-backed chair Harry was familiar with.

Harry was about to speak, but Snape cut him off. "Mr. Potter, listen to me carefully because I am only going to say this once. I understand you were worried about me, but I assure you there was no need. I am perfectly fine. Now, I am continuing these lessons with you at the Headmaster's urging, but if I find you are delinquent in your studies or if you are at all _distracted_, I shall cancel them altogether. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir," Harry said. Staring at Snape for a moment, there was so much Harry wanted to say. _I'm so sorry that I had that dream; I didn't mean to see those things. Did you speak with Dumbledore about what happened? Is there anything I can do? I love you Severus._ But he heeded Dumbledore's advice. "Thank you for seeing me, sir," Harry added and turned to leave. He was stopped by Snape's voice.

"And Mr. Potter…"

"Yes?" Harry replied hopefully.

"I expect decent marks from you on my midterm on Monday. I can't help it that you've squandered your reading period sitting outside my door. You are dismissed."

"Yes sir." Harry turned around and walked out of the dungeons, realizing that he had a lot of studying to do.

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"Snape's not in a good mood today," Hermione whispered in double Potions.

"When is Snape not in a foul mood?" Ron asked incredulously.

"He's been particularly grumpy since exams though. Don't you think Harry?"

Harry, who was studying Snape carefully, snapped his concentration back to his friends, "Hmm…oh…I don't know."

But Harry knew Hermione was right. It had been three weeks since Snape's encounter with Voldemort and he was even more unpleasant to be around than usual. Of course, Harry had been expecting that – after all, the man had gone through hell. Over the last few weeks, Snape had taken every opportunity to insult Harry's progress in their lessons – or better put, lack of progress. Occlumency had become a complete disaster. Harry was too worried about Snape to concentrate, and his abilities had deteriorated significantly as a result.

Unfortunately, Harry had fared no better with some of the new spell work Snape had introduced to him over the past few days, which involved their first foray into dark magic. The spells were fairly rudimentary – or so Snape had said – but Harry just couldn't get past the idea of using negative emotions to perform magic, which was what these spells required. Snape had been completely disgusted with him. In frustration, Harry had snapped at Snape, 'Why do I have to learn this anyway? No one else has to learn this stuff. In fact, it's probably forbidden.' Snape had shot Harry a murderous glare but remained silent, and had just sent him away.

Harry shook himself out of his thoughts and finished his Potion. He was quite pleased with himself. It appeared that his potion was as good as Hermione's – the two best in the room. His increased efforts in Potions were certainly paying off.

Snape stalked about the room, carefully examining each student's work. He approached Ron's potion, which was the wrong color altogether.

"Not bad Mr. Weasley. I wouldn't dare use it, but not bad."

He examined Harry's carefully. "A sound effort Potter, but once again, pathetic results."

Harry was not going to stand for yet another unfair insult, "What do you mean, Professor? Mine's no worse than anyone else's."

Snape leaned over the desk, putting his face just inches away from Harry's. With a menacing glare, he whispered, "You are assuming – incorrectly, _as you often do_ – that I hold everyone to the same standard. Do you think that's what I should do, Potter? That sounds fair, doesn't it? Does the world hold you to same standard as everyone else?" Snape continued, spitting vehemently, "Wake up Potter if you hope to live past 17!" Snape moved to the front of the room and sat at his desk.

Harry sat in stunned silence as he let the meaning of Snape's words sink in. He couldn't believe the man was actually trying to teach him a lesson, and not just insult him.

"Oh and Potter…detention tonight for your cheek." Harry started to sigh but was interrupted with, "And don't bother with dinner Potter. I want you in my office right after classes let out. Can you handle scrubbing cauldrons Potter, or does that task offend your ridiculous sensibilities as well?" Snape sneered.

"No sir."

Ron leaned over to Harry and whispered, "What did you do to piss him off mate?"

"I exist," Harry said.  
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After his classes were over, Harry hurried to the dungeons. He did not want to risk annoying Snape any more than he already had. Entering the office, he made his way straight to the pile of dirty cauldrons.

"Forget the cauldrons Potter. I have much better methods for torturing you. Get in here now," Harry heard Snape order from the sitting room.

Harry spent the next two hours at Snape's mercy. Occlumency was hard enough when Snape was in an amiable mood, but it was hell when Snape was angry. By the end of it, Harry's brain felt like mush. He stretched down on the sitting room couch, closed his eyes, and was startled by a loud pop. One of the house elves had brought him dinner, apparently on Snape's instructions.

"Sir, may I ask a question?"

No answer came. Harry continued, "I noticed you didn't use the pensieve tonight. Is there a reason?"

"The Headmaster needs it, Potter. He has been without it long enough. We will make due without it."

"Why don't you have one of your own, sir?"

Snape snorted, "Don't you think that if I could just go to Diagon Alley and buy one, I would have a long time ago? They are exceptionally rare Potter. Think boy, before you speak. When you're finished, you may see yourself out." Turning on his heel, Snape made his way to his bedroom.

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Harry woke up many hours later, having fallen asleep on Snape's couch. Noticing that it was past midnight, he moved to get up, remembering he had Quidditch practice early tomorrow morning. He was interrupted, however, by the sound of Snape's bedroom door opening. Snape strode out into the sitting room, fully dressed, a note in his hand. He sent it through the floo, saying clearly, "Albus Dumbledore." Harry realized in horror what was going on.

"Where are you going?" Harry asked.

Snape whirled around. "What are you still doing here?"

"I fell asleep. You've been called, haven't you?" Harry asked, fearing the answer.

"That's none of your business," Snape responded coolly.

The idea of Snape going back there – back to Voldemort after what had happened – it was impossible to imagine and Harry could not keep silent. "Yes it is. Please Severus—"

"What did you just call me?" Snape snapped.

"I'm sorry…Professor. I'm just worried. Do you really think it's a good idea to go back?"

Snape looked down at his hands. They were trembling slightly – the very thought of seeing all those faces again made him want to throw up. Of course it wasn't wise to go back. It was idiotic, and he had to do it. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself.

"I do what I must, Potter. Now go to bed – and be very clear…I don't want to see you until Monday."

"But sir, he could kill you!" Harry pleaded.

"Maybe…if I'm lucky," Snape muttered under his breath.

"Sir, but—"

Snape did not let Harry finish. He hissed at Harry, his eyes full of fury, "Enough! My work for the Order is none of your business. My meetings with the Dark Lord are none of your business. _I_ am none of your business. Is that understood?"

Harry nodded and left.

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Despite Snape's strong words of warning, the next morning Harry made his way straight to Snape's quarters to check on him. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but he couldn't help himself. He was dismayed, however, to find the dungeons empty. He dashed hurriedly to the Great Hall for breakfast, hoping Snape was already there. But he wasn't, and Harry noticed that Dumbledore was absent as well. He wondered if something had happened to Snape, but realized there was little he could do except wait until Monday to find out if Snape was alright – a long time indeed.

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Harry had never been so happy to have double Potions early on a Monday morning. He sat at his desk, anxiously waiting for Snape to enter.

Hermione interrupted his thoughts, "Harry are you okay? You don't look so good."

Harry shook his head dismissively, and then heard footsteps in the back of the classroom. He didn't even need to turn around, he would know that distinctive walk anywhere. Harry's body went limp with relief as Snape strode in, apparently unharmed. Harry sunk his head in his hands and let out an involuntary sigh of relief that sounded very much like a sob. Everyone looked at him. Malfoy smirked, waiting eagerly for Snape's scathing remark or the deduction of house points. No such response came.

Snape began the lesson without so much as looking in Harry's direction. Despite the fact that Harry wasn't paying attention to his potion, Snape didn't single him out once or attempt to embarrass him. In fact, Snape completely ignored Harry, who began to wonder what was going on. Just before the lesson ended, Snape dropped a note on Harry's desk. Harry opened it and it read simply, _'No lesson tonight.'_

Now Harry was curious. After finishing up his homework that evening, he decided to go down and check on Snape. It was already past curfew, so he took his invisibility cloak with him. When he entered the office, he could hear loud crashing noises in the sitting room and decided to quietly investigate. Putting his cloak on once again, he peered through the door and was more than a little surprised to see Snape throwing various objects at his wall. A large pile of shattered glass lay all over the floor. Snape appeared to be quite unsteady on his feet, and he was holding a near empty bottle of scotch in his hand. _Snape is drunk!_ This was most certainly not the Severus Snape Harry knew. In shock, Harry quietly slipped out, not wanting to intrude any more than he already had.

Over the next three weeks, Snape barely spoke to Harry. In fact, he scarcely spared him a glance. He had even canceled their Occlumency lessons, supposedly to give Harry a chance to 'catch up on his reading.' So Harry spent most of his evening lessons reading on the couch in the sitting room with Snape working in his office or laboratory. Given their lack of communication, Snape also had given up his usual chore of dismissing Harry for the night, and as a result Harry would sometimes fall asleep on the couch, occasionally awakening to Snape's piercing stare, which was usually Harry's cue to leave.

One night in particular, however, Snape had gone to bed early, with a bottle of scotch in tow. Harry awoke this time to a piercing scream. He jumped to his feet with a start and was surprised when he realized that the noise had come from Snape's bedroom. Snape had been casting a silencing charm of late before going to bed, but Harry surmised that he must have been too drunk to remember.

Harry crept up to Snape's bedroom door and listened. He heard Snape repeatedly whimpering something unintelligible. And then suddenly Snape was screaming, that same horrible shrill sound Harry had heard in his nightmare vision – that sound which had been indelibly ingrained in his mind now sent icy shivers down his spine. Without warning the sound stopped and Harry could hear Snape moving around, knocking something over and then the more distant sound of retching.

Harry stood frozen in the doorway. He wanted nothing more than to burst into that room and do…something! But what? He had no idea what was going on and Snape had told him in no uncertain terms that, whatever it was, it was none of his business. With a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, Harry made his way back to Gryffindor tower.

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**A/N:** Please review.

To everyone who reviewed the last chapter, thank you very much. And I was thrilled to no end that so many of you enjoyed my Dumbledore-Snape interaction. Things are actually going to get a bit more complicated in about 3 chapters - so stay tuned.

Another note, I'll still looking for volunteers to beta future chapters for me (i.e., read for grammar, usage, or ridiculous content). I've already had some great people read over a couple of chapters but I hate to ask them again - unless they're willing to do it again (!). If you're interested and have good grammar (AND you have the time to read and return chapters to me promptly), send me an email. The advantage is that you get to read the chapters ahead of everyone else and I may add you as a character in my story! ;)

Next chapter, _I knew you had it in you_: Over the past four weeks, Snape has been ignoring Harry and Harry finally gets fed up and demands an explanation. Snape doesn't take well to Harry's persistent nagging. I mean, he REALLY doesn't take well to it!

Please review.


	18. No defense

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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Warnings for Chapter 18: strong language

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 18: No defense**

Harry had been reading for less than one hour in Snape's quarters before he made the decision to leave his lessons early for the night. It was two days before the start of the Christmas holidays and he was eager for a chance to spend some time with his friends before they all left. _Besides_, he thought, _it's not like I'm doing anything of much of value here_.

In the past four weeks, Snape had barely uttered a word to Harry. He had completely abandoned their usual lessons (Occlumency and Defense training), in favor of having Harry read on his own. But reading books was becoming tiresome and in Harry's opinion, fruitless – as reading alone without hand-on application of the techniques could only get you so far. In fact, Snape was the one that had told him that, having himself always advocated a practical approach to Defense. But Harry hadn't seen that Severus Snape in weeks, and Harry wondered idly if he would ever see that man again.

"I'm leaving early tonight," Harry said boldly.

"Very well. I shall see you after the holidays then."

Harry wasn't sure what surprised him more, Snape's acquiescent demeanor or the fact that he had actually bothered to lift his head and respond.

"Oh…I'm going to be here over Christmas, sir."

"And that concerns me how? Surely you have something else to do?"

Assuming that Snape thought he wanted the break, Harry continued, "I'd rather continue if you don't mind, sir. And actually, I don't have anything else to do. Ron and Hermione are both leaving and I can't go with them, for security reasons you know."

"As I said Potter, that is none of my concern. You may go fly in circles all day for all I care," Snape said, his eyes already locked on the pages of his book.

Harry noted that this was the longest conversation he'd had with Snape in weeks. But he could not help being puzzled. Snape was advocating over two weeks without lessons when he knew Harry would be here, perfectly able and _willing _to continue. This was not like Snape at all. And then it hit Harry.

"I know what you're doing, you know," Harry said.

"Oh, do enlighten me with your insight," Snape mocked.

"You don't want to see me. You're pushing me away."

"Don't flatter yourself Potter. Not everything revolves around you."

Harry was angry now, "Fine…you don't want me anymore – I get that. I got that two months ago. But I do want you to continue teaching me."

"A break over the holidays won't make the least bit of difference to your lessons."

"That's not what I'm talking about!" Harry snapped. "You've already stopped teaching me. You've barely looked in my direction for almost a month now – let alone spoken to me. I'm hardly learning anything. Are we not going to have any _real_ lessons anymore?"

"Real lessons? And what _precisely _do you feel you are not learning, Potter?" Snape asked with an annoyed tone despite the fact that his eyes betrayed his curiosity.

"Well, let's see – what are these lessons supposed to be about? Oh, I remember," Harry said, his voice laden with sarcasm, "How to defend myself. How to fight. How to defeat Voldemort!"

"Don't you _dare_ speak His name to me!" Snape hissed in fury. After taking a calming breath, Snape continued, "You are even more narcissistic than I thought you were, Potter. Are you crazy?" Snape jeered. "Is that what your plan was all along? Take lessons from me this year, learn some new spells and mediocre Occlumency and then go and face the Dark Lord and duel with him? Hah!"

"Well I'm certainly not learning anything that's going to help me now. Why don't you show me what I need to know? You were teaching me before!" Harry insisted.

"You think that counter-curses and wandless _accio_ are going to help you against the Dark Lord?" Snape asked rhetorically. And then suddenly he emitted a dark, frightening sounding laugh – the harshness of it startled Harry momentarily. Snape continued, "You are more stupid than I thought, Potter."

"Well then show me what I need to know to defend against—"

Snape interrupted Harry forcefully, spitting venomously, "_There is NO defense _Potter! Don't you get it? There are only two things, survival and offense."

"What do you mean?"

"If you're too stupid to understand, then there is no point in explaining it to you. Now leave me alone!" Snape shouted.

"Show me, damn it! I'll do anything. Just teach me," Harry begged with desperation.

Snape snorted in disbelief. "You should be careful what you wish for Potter. It might come true. You may be a Gryffindor, but you couldn't handle real lessons – you would crumble. And I wouldn't want to hurt the precious Golden Boy," Snape sneered. "What would the Headmaster say then?"

"Nothing. He wants you to teach me and you won't!"

"I've tried to teach you, you obtuse little brat!" Snape spat. "But you refuse to learn. I'm not sure what is worse Potter, your ridiculous _noble_ notions, or your complete incompetence."

Harry was too angry to understand the full meaning of Snape's words or the truth that lay behind them. "I may be incompetent, but it's only because you're not teaching me. You've completely closed yourself off from me. And the rest of the world."

Snape's eyes were full of anger, "I told you never to mention my personal life! This has nothing to do with me."

Harry was seething now as well. He was tired of this game they'd been playing for weeks now. He had tried to heed Dumbledore's words of advice, but he was sick of waiting – and waiting for what precisely? He was tired of this unrelenting stalemate they were trapped in. Harry wanted to say something, do something. Because _this_…this was unbearable and Harry knew in that moment that he couldn't take _one more second _of this drawn out torture. And he decided to end it here and now.

"Nothing to do with you? Oh really? You're a mess Snape! Look at yourself. You don't eat, I don't even think you bathe – you stink and you're hair is all greasy. You barely sleep and when you do you're screaming – I've heard your nightmares, you pathetic git!"

_What had the boy heard? _Snape wondered. He spat violently, "Why you insolent little bastard. How _dare_ you spy on me?"

"You know what I think?" Harry asked mockingly. "I think you were _afraid_to let me into your life. And now you're _afraid _to be around me and teach me!"

Snape's dark eyes flashed with a rage that startled Harry, and he realized he'd gone too far. Snape did not like being called a coward. "Don't you EVER say that about me, Potter! I'll show you what fear is boy…_Crucio!_"

Harry was on the ground in an instant, his muscles contracting forcefully in his back and chest. His nerves were burning, and then as suddenly as it began, the pain stopped, barely a second later.

Snape was speaking again, "Is this what you want Potter? To _learn_?" Snape asked with a leer. "Fine, then learn! Attack or you will be attacked…_that_ is the way of it! And as you most certainly will not be fast enough, then you must survive the attack, bear it – as you just did – and then retaliate. No defense Potter, just survival and then offense!"

Harry was sporting a confused look.

"Does your dimwitted mind still not understand me? Attack!" Snape bellowed.

Harry hesitated. _He's telling me to curse him back. _Harry raised his wand, but could not bring himself to cast the spell.

Snape pointed his wand threateningly at Harry and bellowed, "_ATTACK _Potter or you will be attacked. And this time I'll leave you in agony for more than two seconds, I give you my word on that!"

Harry remained frozen.

Snape lowered his wand and sneered with contempt, "You couldn't cast an Unforgivable if your life depended on it, Potter. How are you supposed to be the savior of the Wizarding World? If the Dark Lord only knew how _weak _and _pathetic _you really are!"

A burst of anger whipped through Harry and he heard himself mutter the spell, "_Crucio_."

The spell hit Snape squarely in the chest and sent him reeling backwards momentarily. He took two steps and quickly regained his footing, apparently unaffected by the curse. He raised his head, his eyes glaring menacingly at Harry.

"What are you trying to do Potter, give me a massage or hurt me?" Snape asked derisively.

Harry was infuriated. "I may not know how to do it yet, but I would hope I'll be capable of something better than that pathetic excuse for _Crucio_ you just cast on me," Harry spat back. _Why the hell am I baiting him? I must be suicidal. _Harry knew full well that Snape was holding back when he had cast the Cruciatus on him. But his anger was overwhelming him and he wanted to hurt Snape – however stupid that tactic may have been.

"Not very smart of you Potter. Are you _trying _to piss me off or have you just lost what little control you have?" Snape snarled, a deranged expression twisting onto his face. "Either way, you're stupid – provoking a Death Eater! I don't think you want to see what I'm capable of."

And for the first time, Harry felt truly afraid. Impotent rage was burning on Snape's face and it was a terrifying sight.

Snape's voice lowered suddenly, and he spoke in an almost mad whisper, "Or perhaps that is what you want. _Imperio!_"

Harry felt himself moving forward, towards Snape. He was aware he was under the Imperius, but only because he had developed some resistance to the curse in the past. He struggled against it, but found that Snape was increasing the force of the spell every time Harry fought it. Harry found himself kneeling down on the floor in front of Snape and a voice in his head was telling him to lick Snape's boot. _I am not going to do that_, Harry told himself, and fought to keep his tongue in his mouth, his face less than an inch away from Snape's charcoal black shoe.

After a minute or so of this stalemate, Snape apparently relented and Harry heard the man's voice speaking to him – cutting through his daze. "Too much for you Potter? Here I'll make it easy on you. I'll make you do something you want to do, something you've been longing for," Snape mocked.

Harry realized his body was rising off the floor, standing up in front of Snape. He willed himself to remain still but that same voice in his head was urging him to step closer to Snape. Snape increased the intensity of the spell again, and Harry found himself obeying, listening to the voice now telling him to lean forward and kiss Snape.

_Kiss Snape? _Snape was right, Harry wanted to kiss him. But not like this. _Never_ like this! Harry remained still, aware his lips were so close to the other man's that he could feel Snape's breath on them. He felt the spell's force increase again, and he didn't think he would be able to fight it. But the idea of Snape using Harry's affections for him in this way – somehow it gave Harry the strength to resist. He felt his own magic swelling inside him and freeing himself momentarily. He raised his hand up and slapped Snape hard across the face, breaking the curse.

Snape's face flew to the side with the force of the impact. A small smile crept onto the man's lips, "Very nice Potter! Did that feel good? How long have you been wanting to do that?"

Harry said nothing. He was panting, partly from the exertion of breaking the curse and partly from the fury-induced adrenaline pumping through his veins. Tears were threatening to spill from his eyes.

Snape saw them, and pounced on them immediately. "Oh look, little baby Potter's going to cry," he mocked, repeating a version of Bellatrix's taunt. _Severus, you're a monster. Good…let Potter see it. He is so close. He's almost there_, Snape thought, taking careful measure of Harry's emotions.

Harry could not believe Snape had just said that. His anger returned to him in full force, "Take that back!"

"No," Snape said simply.

"Take it back or I'll…I'll…"

Snape weighed his options. _You're deep in it now Severus, you might as well finish it! _He taunted Harry with the most mocking tone he could muster. "You'll do what, Potter? You're as useless as your dogfather was. What? Did you love that mangy mutt, Potter?"

Harry felt his hatred swell. He wanted to kill Snape then and there. Make him suffer. Make him hurt. The urge overwhelmed him until he could think of nothing else, "_Crucio!_" Harry shouted.

And a moment later Snape was on the ground, twitching furiously. Snape's body was screaming '_No!_' but his mind was screaming '_Yes!_' – thrilled by Harry's breakthrough. The curse was lifted almost as soon as it began, however – Harry had raised his wand as soon a conscious thought had returned to him.

Barely a moment later, Snape was screaming so forcefully at Harry, it was as if he had been completely unaffected by the curse. "That was truly pathetic Potter!" Snape hesitated a moment, trying to hide the pain in his face at the next words that were about to leave his mouth, "Can't you do better than that…_you little freak_!"

Harry's eyes widened to the size of saucers and he wasn't even aware of the spell leaving his wand. "_Crucio!_" He watched as Snape's movements on the floor resembled that of a rag doll being tossed around by a localized tornado, his back contorting in horrible ways, his muscles contracting, leaving his extremities twisting unnaturally. It looked as though Snape's body was about to snap in two.

_Oh my God, what have I done?_ Harry thought and shouted, "Finite incantatem!"

Slowly, but surely, Snape stood up, his body still twitching very slightly from the curse. When he looked up at Harry, Snape's face was full of fury, but his eyes were unmistakably shining with pride, "That's the hatred you need to carry with you _every single moment_ of every day, so that you're always ready, always prepared to attack." And barely a tick later Snape added furiously, "Now get the fuck out of my sight!"

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**A/N:** PLEASE review. I'm dying for your comments on this one.

HUGE thanks and shout out to my betas for this chapter – Kelei and Aly and Angedelamorte. Special thanks for Kelei for her efforts.

Thank you all for SO many reviews on the last chapter - and so many positive comments. I especially loved the way some of you are 'poor harry' people and others are 'poor severus' people. I think you'll have to wait until the end of my story to figure out which one I am - as I am decidedly on one side of this - or perhaps you already know :)

And now...after this little development between our two favorite men...you are all wondering where my little story is going, aren't you? Yes you are…admit it. ;)  
The next chapter, 'Is that why you did it?' is an interlude in which Harry reflects on what happened here. Also, Snape is summoned to Dumbledore's office for a little "chat" about what happened! yummy

Please review.


	19. Ah, is that why you did it?

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**A/N:** gets up on soap box Since the producers of the HP movies won't listen to me, and I feel the need to complain to someone – I will share my unsolicited opinion about something that has been bothering me for forever. Every time I write Dumbledore (as with this chapter) I _shudder_ when I think about what the final office scene with Harry in movie 5 will look like (let alone the whole of movie 6). Everyone is so well cast in those movies (especially Alan Rickman, yum), but Gambon butchers Dumbledore. I could play him better with a fake beard. His acting is menacing and aggressive and completely lacks the quirky light-hearted warmth and the _quiet _strength and power that can stop you with one look. Case in point is where he "shakes"/manhandles Crouch jr. in #4 to get his confession. Is he a street thug or a wizard with a wand? Arg…sorry for that…onto the story...  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 19: Ah, is that why you did it?**

It didn't take Harry very long to realize that Snape had actually taught him something very valuable – how to cast his first Unforgivable. Although he wasn't exactly sure how much of Snape's tauntingly cruel comments had been planned and how many had simply come from anger, he was certain that Snape regretted many of the things he had said. He had seen the pain in Snape's eyes after he repeated Bellatrix's taunt and a split second before he had called him a 'freak,' which he clearly had used deliberately to incite Harry's successful Cruciatus. And Harry had seen the unmistakable pride in Snape's eyes when he had finally succeeded.

Nonetheless, Snape's behavior had shocked Harry. The fact that the man had put him under _Crucio _and then _Imperio _was disconcerting enough, but it seemed to Harry that for the briefest of moments, Snape had lost control. Perhaps that was what Dumbledore had meant when he had strongly warned Harry not to push Snape. And Harry had most certainly pushed.

The very next morning after the incident, Dumbledore had summoned Harry to his office. Harry had not even bothered to wonder how Dumbledore knew about the Unforgivables. In his usually calm manner, the Headmaster had asked Harry to describe what had happened. Harry relayed the events honestly while carefully circumventing the whole truth. He explained how Snape was trying to teach a lesson, but omitted the fact that it was an intense argument between them that had first prompted Snape to cast the Cruciatus.

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Harry spent the next two days in the company of Ron and Hermione. Although they noticed his distracted demeanor, he played it off as disappointment that he would have to remain at Hogwarts alone over the Holidays. He couldn't even imagine what they would think if they knew the truth about what had happened between him and Snape.

But oddly enough, when Harry thought back on the events of that night, he did not dwell on the pain of the insults and the curses. He did not even think, too much, about the dark power he had felt – the coursing energy that had momentarily consumed him when he had cast (and held!) that last _Crucio_. Instead, his mind focused on the bizarre connection that that night had forged between the two of them – the sharing of an intense experience that no one else could understand.

Harry realized that Snape could have been fired for what he did and perhaps even arrested, and then remembered that he had also cast an Unforgivable and therefore was as complicit. But that night, there was a strange unspoken agreement between them that they would keep the incident to themselves. And to Harry, that was – in an absurd way – a yet unequaled demonstration of trust on Snape's part.

The night before Ron and Hermione left, Harry lay in bed contemplating the state of affairs between himself and Severus Snape. And that night, Harry came to a decision about what he wanted and what he needed to do to get it.

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Snape took a seat in Dumbledore's sitting room and declined the tea he was offered. He couldn't help being annoyed by the old man's pleasantries at times. Clearly Dumbledore had summoned him here to discuss yesterday's events, and he didn't appreciate being kept waiting as Dumbledore sipped his tea with maddening calm.

Snape blurted out in exasperation, "Headmaster, for Merlin's sake! Can we just get this over with?"

"Alright Severus, but do have some tea," Dumbledore said, and poured his Potions Master a cup.

Snape obstinately ignored the tea. He was becoming really irritated with Dumbledore's stalling. The silence was unnerving Snape to no end and he decided he needed to say something. "Perhaps it was an error in judgment…"

Dumbledore inquired politely, "Do you really believe that, Severus?"

Snape ignored the question. "So Potter came to you straight away then?" Snape asked with marked annoyance at the boy's presumed treachery.

"No. I asked him up to my office this morning. After all, it's not every day that I sense Unforgivables being cast on Hogwarts grounds," Dumbledore said with a shrewd smile. "Harry explained quite eloquently that you were teaching him a lesson." Dumbledore paused for a moment, leaning forward in his chair and meeting Snape's eyes before speaking again. "He did, however, leave out the part where things got out of control."

Snape gulped involuntarily.

"Don't you like your tea, Severus?"

_I don't want any tea, damn it!_

"Alright then," Dumbledore said, watching Snape's eyes darken perceptibly at his thought being overheard.

Snape fiercely tightened the walls around his mind. He was incensed that Dumbledore had the gall to practice subtle Legilimency on him, pry into him, and then admit to it so blatantly. He wanted to say something, to criticize the Headmaster for his rude unwelcome behavior, but he remained silent.

Dumbledore, who had up until now been keenly aware of Snape's thoughts, noticed the sudden reinforcement of Snape's defenses. He knew a battle was raging inside the other man's mind. He wanted to say something, but was aware that his Potions Master would not take well to learning that he had not probed his mind at all – that it had been Severus who had an unintentional lapse in his normally strictly controlled mental shields. Dumbledore knew Severus was not ready to hear that. And he decided that it would be bad form to disregard the advice that he had, in fact, given Harry about not pushing Severus too hard as of yet. But, he decided, he would be remiss if he did not voice some of his concerns.

Dumbledore began tentatively, "Things did get out of control, didn't they, Severus?"

Silence served as Snape's acknowledgment.

"I must admit, Severus, I am a bit concerned."

"Potter's fine," Snape defended.

"I'm not worried about Harry," Dumbledore replied.

"Excuse me?" Snape said in confusion.

"I'm worried about you, my boy," Dumbledore said.

"Me? What the devil for?" Snape asked with marked annoyance, "I'm fine."

A short pause passed between them.

"Are you lying to me, or to yourself, Severus?" Dumbledore asked seriously.

Snape met Dumbledore's eyes and replied forcefully, "I really have no idea what you are talking about Albus – so either clue me in or stop with these ridiculous mind games of yours."

Dumbledore carefully considered whether he should indeed, 'clue' Severus in. But he decided to keep his fledging ideas on the matter to himself, since, at the moment, they were little more than untested conjectures.

Irritated by the prolonged silence, Snape blurted out in vexation, "Despite forcing yourself into my mind, Headmaster, you don't know me as well as you think."

"Perhaps." _Perhaps I know you better_.

The two men sat in uncomfortable silence for a long moment.

"So, tell me what happened, Severus."

Snape sighed. "I goaded him a bit…"

"A bit?" Dumbledore asked with raised eyebrows.

"Maybe more than a bit," Snape admitted. "But he finally did it. He cast a pretty mean _Crucio_ for a first time."

"You say that with pride."

"I suppose I do."

"I don't know how I feel about this Severus, but I will defer to your judgment in this matter."

"You know it's necessary. It's a major breakthrough being able to cast an Unforgivable. And one day, he'll need the ultimate one."

"I'm just sorry that that is the case," Dumbledore said sadly.

Snape said nothing.

"So what now?" Snape asked, half-wondering if Dumbledore was going to fire him for casting two Unforgivables – let alone on a student.

Dumbledore spoke cautiously, carefully judging Snape's reaction to his words, "Harry wants to continue his lessons with you, Severus. And so you shall."

"Excuse me?" Snape blurted out, his eyes widening with shock. He was certain he must have misheard.

"He was actually quite insistent on the matter."

Snape's voice betrayed his astonishment, "Ww…what? I thought he'd want nothing more to do with me after…after the things I said to him…after what happened."

"Ahhhh," Dumbledore began in a significant tone, his eyes lighting up with understanding, "Is _THAT_ why you did it?"

Snape said nothing. Instead, he took a sip of his now cold tea.

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**A/N: **Please review. I know this was shortish…but the break between chapters made it necessary – and I don't like writing filler for length's sake.

BIG thanks again to **Kelei** who betaed this chapter for me!

Thank you all for your amazing reviews. I've gotten some very strong reactions to this last chapter - which I exactly what I aim for!

Now for two little warnings for my wonderful readers.  
1) I ask for your patience as I prepare for an interview for my dream job. I will try very hard to continue my pattern of updates, but please cut me some slack if there are delays. If I get this job, I will be very happy. And when I'm happy, I write.

2) Remember when many moons ago I told you not to get to comfortable and that I would most certainly shake things up? Well, now's the time - buckle up.  
In the next chapter, _My clever little boy gets it now_, Harry (with his decision made about 'what he wants,') goes to see Snape who is surprised that Harry is back after what happened. Yes, **even** Crucio and Imperio aren't enough to keep our little naive boy away. Once again, Harry ignores Dumbledore's advice. But will Snape's reaction be different this time? I'm not telling…

Please review this chapter – looking forward to your comments on the Dumbledore-Snape interaction here.


	20. My clever little boy gets it now

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings: **references to pedophilia (no actual pedophilia occurs), very strong language

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**A/N:** my interview has been pushed back for 3 weeks, so allow me to indulge you all in the meantime!**  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 20: My clever little boy gets it now**

It was the first day of the Christmas holidays and after eating dinner, Harry made his way down to the dungeons, his mind clear and full of purpose.

Snape could scarcely believe it when he saw Harry Potter walk into his quarters. He scowled and said, "The Headmaster told me you'd be back, but I didn't believe him. Why did you come back here, Potter? Did you enjoy the rush of power?" Snape asked, his eyes filling with savage enjoyment. "Do you want to feel it again – is that it? Do you want to curse me some more – to avenge your dogfather's honor, perhaps?"

Harry was fuming and started to speak, but stopped himself. _He's goading you again._ He hated the way Snape so easily incited his anger. _You came here for a reason – don't let him take control._ Harry forced himself to calm down before replying coolly, "I'm not going to let you provoke me."

Snape couldn't suppress his smirk of amusement, "This the first time I've ever seen you attempting to control your emotions, Potter. Do be careful – I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself!"

"I'm glad to hear that you're concerned about my safety," Harry shot back with a smirk of his own.

"How very witty of you, Potter!" Snape mocked. "Now answer my question. Why did you come back here? If you've come for an apology, you can forget it!"

Harry took two steps forward, "I didn't come for an apology. I know you didn't mean the things you said. You were trying to get me angry enough to cast the Cruciatus. And it worked." Harry paused for a moment and added, "Did I…did I hurt you?"

Snape rolled his eyes, "You've got to be kidding, Potter."

Harry blushed. Snape was accustomed to the force of Voldemort's Cruciatus – obviously Harry's hadn't done any damage that Snape couldn't handle.

"I came because…" Harry paused, swallowing the lump in his throat and taking a deep breath. Snape was staring at him intently. "I came because I wanted to tell you that I still care about you…very much."

Snape's heart stilled. Deliberately, he ignored the sudden tightness in his chest, as he spoke, "That is not possible."

"Don't say that! Don't tell me I don't know how I feel! All I want is another chance."

"Potter…"

"And don't call me that! Would it _bloody _well kill you to call me Harry over the damn holidays?" Harry shouted in rage.

Snape sighed, "_Mister_ Potter, although I appreciate your sentiments, I think you are very confused. You're not interested in a relationship with _me_. You want a fairy tale version of me – Severus Snape, the redeemed Death Eater. That is NOT who I am!"

Silence. Snape saw the disbelief in Harry's eyes at this statement. And he decided that perhaps it was time to be honest – to make Harry understand.

Snape took a step forward, closing the distance between them, then took a deep breath, and looked directly into Harry's eyes before he spoke, in a low, serious voice.

"Tell me. Tell me the truth. Would you still find my eyes so striking if you knew the truth about all the horrors that they have witnessed? And how would you feel about my hands touching your body if you even suspected what unconscionable acts of brutality they have committed? And my voice, which you seem to think is so sensuous, would you still permit me to whisper in your ear if you knew how many unforgivably dark curses it has uttered?"

Silence.

After a long moment, Harry finally regained his voice, "But…but you're not like that anymore."

Snape closed his eyes. He wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe those words more than anything else. And he would have given anything for them to be true.

A hoarse whisper left Snape's throat, "I am Potter…I am."

"I know you. I know you're not like that. And I want to be with you, Severus." Harry took another step and pressed his lips to Snape's, and lost himself and in how wonderful it felt. It had been so long.

He didn't have long to enjoy the moment, however, as Snape forcefully pushed him away, his voice raised, his anger restored, "You've lost your _bloody_ mind! Have you heard nothing I've said, you idiot boy?"

"I…"

"Potter you don't know ANYTHING!" Snape bellowed. "You most certainly don't know me! If you did…if you knew the things I've done – the things I'm DOING…!"

Those words struck a chord with Harry, and left him momentarily shaken. It had never occurred to him that these things were ongoing. But he pressed on, convinced Snape was twisting the truth, "Well then tell me. I want to understand what it is that's making you this way."

"No you don't! Trust me for once in your life, damn it! You don't want to know."

Now Harry was angry. Damn Snape for telling him what he wanted, again! He was sick of it. He needed to know the truth – Snape _owed _him that much.

"Fuck you, Severus! I'm not a kid anymore! I'm an adult and I deserve to know."

Snape felt an overwhelming urge to hex the boy into oblivion – or even worse, tell him the truth he was so desperate to know. But he hesitated, and for the first time he could remember, he backed down. Snape lowered his eyes and sighed. "Please Potter…drop this."

Harry noticed Snape's hesitation and seized on it. Enraged, he yelled, "Why won't you tell me? Maybe you're lying and there's nothing to know! Maybe you're using this as your excuse because you're too damn _weak _to admit your feelings for me. Or maybe you're just too _afraid _to tell me the truth. Either way, you're just a _FUCKING COWARD!_"

Only after the words had left his mouth did Harry realize he had gone too far – _way_ too far. Harry knew he'd just uttered perhaps the most dangerous words one could to Severus Snape – words that now hung heavily in the air between them.

Harry had never seen Snape look so unhinged before – it was as if the man he was just speaking with had left and a different man entirely was standing in front of him, a demented stranger who would kill at the slightest provocation. Harry tried desperately to hide the alarm from his face as he felt the force of Snape's fury blazing from his body – his magic crackling threateningly all around him.  
Harry opened his mouth to apologize, desperate to take back what he's said, but Snape did not give him the chance to speak. Snape did not yell or scream, however. He spoke calmly, in a low voice that was even more frightening.

"You want to know? Fine. I've been waiting for this moment – the moment I shatter your ridiculous illusions. And it might as well be now." Snape's eyes flashed dangerously with something wild and utterly feral as he whispered, "Don't say I didn't warn you."

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Suddenly, Harry's mind was locked into viewing a memory that Snape was sending him. The memory seemed to begin in the middle of a conversation that Snape was having with Dumbledore. They were in Snape's office, and it was clearly late at night.

Snape was speaking. "Headmaster, there is one last matter I would like to discuss with you. It regards my work with Potter. There are some elements of magic I believe he could benefit from, but the castle's wards won't permit it. Perhaps if you could modify the restrictive wards in the dungeons, that would enable us to address some of these areas."

Dumbledore looked at Snape and said calmly as ever, "You take me for a fool, don't you, Severus?"

Snape looked momentarily stunned by the question, but replied, "No Headmaster, whatever gave you that idea?" Snape's voice betrayed his clear annoyance with Dumbledore.

"Don't play games with me, Severus. It doesn't suit you," Dumbledore replied coolly.

_This is a very strange conversation_, thought Harry.

"Headmaster, I'm sorry if I've done something to offend you. After all, I thought that…"

"You thought what? That I trust you because I have you up for tea and check on you after your meetings with Voldemort? You are more naive than I would have thought. I've done what I've needed to keep you satisfied, but I cannot continue playing this _fatherly game_ with you," Dumbledore replied, his voice patronizing now.

Snape glared at Dumbledore, his eyes betraying his shock – it looked as though he had been shot in the heart. "Excuse me?"

"Don't play coy with me, Severus. You know damned well what I'm speaking about. I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised over my latest revelation about your _proclivities_. I suppose it was hoping too much from you to expect otherwise. But be very clear, I now tolerate your presence in this castle because of your work for the Order and the fact is that we need you. I assure you that if this were not the case, I would no longer have anything to do with you. And don't insult me by pretending you stand with me for some higher purpose, Severus. You are a Slytherin through and through and you do what you do for your own self-preservation. And so forgive me if I must put an end to this paternal play of ours – I have long grown weary of it."

_What's going on here? _Harry thought. _Did I hear that right? Did Dumbledore just say that he didn't really trust Snape after all those years of telling me otherwise?_

Snape seemed flustered now. But he replied steadily, "Headmaster, I would _never _betray you or the Order. I assure you."

"I didn't say that you would, Severus," Dumbledore said flatly.

Snape was stunned, but resumed his previous line of questioning. "May I ask what in the name of Merlin this has to do with my work with Potter?"

"It has everything to do with Harry – as you well know. I thought you'd changed Severus. I was even foolish enough to think we were close friends. I am very disappointed that I was mistaken."

"Headmaster…"

"Don't try to lie to me Severus…you're not very good at it." Icy fury was seeping from Dumbledore's eyes now. "I can't believe I didn't see it before – clearly I was blinded by my misplaced trust in you. But it's perfectly clear to me now – your _sick_ fondness for young boys."

Snape eyes widened in shock, but his face was contorted with fury.

"I see that perverse look in your eyes when you're around him. You make me sick Severus. And you have the gall to ask me to lift the restrictive wards," Dumbledore huffed. "What do you think they're there for? To protect Harry – from you!"

"Headmaster…" Snape interrupted furiously.

But Dumbledore didn't let him and continued; "You don't really think I'd really let Harry down to the dungeons without carefully monitoring you, do you? I don't trust you with him, Severus."

"Headmaster…" Snape tried frantically to interrupt again, but this time the rage was evident in his eyes. He looked almost ready to strangle Dumbledore with his bare hands if he could.

"Don't interrupt me with your denials. Don't pretend you don't have depraved desires for the boy. The Order needs you and so you will remain here. Harry is foolish enough to trust you, and I am loath to admit that he needs the lessons, so you will continue tutoring him. But make no mistake about it. I am watching you." Dumbledore was radiating power as he spoke, "And Merlin help me, if you touch Harry, I won't even call the dementors to take you away. I'll take care of you myself."

And with that, Dumbledore walked away, leaving Snape staring at him with a murderous look on his face.

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Suddenly the memory playing in Harry's mind ended and he became aware of Snape standing just several feet away from him. He didn't know what to say. He was very confused about what he'd just seen. Snape must have noticed.

"Yes Potter, the memory is real. Surely you've managed to learn enough in our lessons to figure out that much."

Yes, the memory was definitely real, there was too much detail and it was too long. But then what did it mean? Dumbledore didn't trust Snape? Dumbledore thought Snape was a pedophile? How was this possible? Harry wasn't feeling very well. But sadly, elements of this memory were beginning to make sense. Had Snape's sudden break of their relationship been because of Dumbledore's warnings? Had it all been a lie? He needed to know what was going on.

Harry spoke, his voice unsteady, "I'm going to see Dumbledore."

Snape smirked at him, "By all means. Go see him. What do you think he'll tell you? He wants our lessons to continue, Potter."

_To make me the perfect weapon against Voldemort_, Harry thought. _He's been using my affections for Snape against me this entire time. And Snape has been more than happy to…to…oh my God._

Harry couldn't think anymore.

"Ahhh," Snape whispered, a tauntingly leer in his voice, "…_MY clever little boy _gets it now."

_Oh my God._ Harry couldn't look at Snape anymore. He began moving towards the door.

Snape stopped him with his voice. He spat at Harry, his voice full of cruelty, "Where do you think you're going, Potter? I'm not done with you. In fact, we're just getting started."

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**A/N: **PLEASE please review. I enjoyed writing this one - I crave your comments.

Thanks to **Kelei **for her amazing beta insight.

Thanks to all my reviewers! You people are amazing!

Personally, I hate cliffhangers, but this was necessary. My apologies - don't slam me too hard - because I can promise that the next chapter is even better (well, if you liked this, and you are as sick and twisted as I am). So did I succeed in turning things upside down for you? And before I get the question: yes the timing of this memory is deliberately vague at the moment.

What's next, you ask? ((evil laugh)) Our "adult" Harry wanted - no, demanded - to know what was going on - and our (clearly) deranged Potions Master was more than happy to oblige him. In the next chapter, _Do you still want to know me Harry_, although Harry may have seen enough, Snape is determined to prove that what he has shown him is barely the tip of the iceberg. Oh my!

PLEASE make me happy and review. Specifics are always nice…(grin).


	21. Do you still want to know me, Harry?

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed some words and short phrases from GoF - thanks JKR.  
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_PLEASE READ:This chapter contains extreme R+ rated content._

**Warnings: **rape 'fantasy' (semi-graphic), non-con, references to pedophilia (no actual pedophilia occurs), very strong language, SLASH content

**Pairings:** SSHP, LVSS, LVLM

_You have been warned.  
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A/N:** FYI - this is a censored chapter - for full text, see my profile  
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Did you **READ** the warning above? **Please **do before reading any further. This is intense stuff. No flames.

So many good theories in your reviews and I can't address them all except to reiterate that Snape could not manufacture a memory of such length and detail. As to the rest - I'll let this chapter speak to your theories and add to them.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 21: Do you still want to _know_ me, Harry?**

_Harry couldn't think anymore._

_"Ahhh," Snape whispered, a tauntingly leer in his voice, "…MY clever little boy gets it now."_

_'Oh my God.' Harry couldn't look at Snape anymore. He began moving towards the door._

_Snape stopped him with his voice. He spat at Harry, his voice full of cruelty, "Where do you think you're going, Potter? I'm not done with you. In fact, we're just getting started."_  
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Without warning, a different memory begins playing itself in Harry's head. Although the location is a mystery to Harry, this is clearly a Death Eater meeting. The assembly of Death Eaters is quite large, about 50, and they are arranged in two concentric semi-circles facing their Lord and Master. Voldemort is seated at the far end on a large plush red throne. He is gazing towards one particular corner of the room, and seems quite bored with the proceedings as his various servants deliver their reports.

As the meeting continues, Harry watches as those narrow piercing red eyes focus all their attention on Severus Snape. Voldemort's eyes never leave Snape's form and Snape is looking back, meeting his gaze. _Is this a test?_ Harry wonders.

After what seems like an eternity, Voldemort interrupts yet another of his servants. "That will do Nott. Now, Snape," he says simply, his eyes still never leaving Snape's face.

Snape steps forward into the middle of the circle, and kneels in front of Voldemort. "Yes, my Lord."

"Take off your mask, my servant. I want to see your face." Snape slides off his hood and removes his mask.

The Death Eaters begin whispering excitedly amongst themselves. They all seem fairly eager, as though they have been waiting for this moment all night. Harry shivers at the thought.

"I am somewhat surprised to see you return so eagerly to me," Voldemort says with cold amusement.

"I am always at your service, my Lord," Snape replies humbly, his face as unreadable as ever.

"Do you have anything of use for me or are you just here to _entertain _me again?" Voldemort asks, a sadistic smile creeping onto his face.

The Death Eaters begin to laugh and jeer at Snape, led by Lucius Malfoy, who is eyeing Snape hungrily.

"Yes, my Lord. I believe I have some useful information for you." Snape proceeds to tell Voldemort about a rumor he has heard about a plan to move the Order's headquarters. Voldemort looks immediately interested – this information is apparently confirmed by something Macnair has heard. After a few more of Voldemort's questions about this new development are answered, Voldemort seems satisfied.

"Excellent, Severus. I knew you just needed some _motivation_," he says cruelly. "But now, I must ask you Severus, what is the status of our plan regarding Harry Potter?"

Snape's eyes flash momentarily with something resembling fear, but his face returns to its impassive state a second later. "My Lord, I approached Dumbledore about arranging more private lessons as you suggested and I fear I have learned the reason for Dumbledore's apprehensions," Snape says nervously.

"Show me!" Voldemort demands.

Snape locks his eyes with Voldemort. Harry realizes he is showing Voldemort the memory he has just seen – the memory that has left him confused about Snape's loyalties.

Voldemort speaks after considering the memory for only a moment: "It appears his trust in you has been comprised. I am not happy," he says very calmly. And then, just as casually, he remembers: "_Crucio_."

Snape is suddenly on the ground, writhing – his body spasming uncontrollably. It appears to Harry that his whole body is screaming – but not one sound crosses his lips. After a few more moments, Voldemort lifts the curse and abruptly Snape begins gasping for air, as though he has been unable to breath during his ordeal. He musters enough control of his limbs to crawl towards Voldemort. He kisses the hem of his robe and bows his head down so low that his forehead touches the ground.

A moment later, Snape speaks, his voice a hoarse whisper: "Thank you, my Lord." Harry is astonished by the absurdity of Snape's words of gratitude, but realizes this ritual must be another of Voldemort's sick psychological control tactics.

Voldemort speaks casually to Snape, as though he has not just tortured him: "So Dumbledore is not as foolish as we thought. But your position in the Order is apparently safe as this new information about headquarters is quite useful." Voldemort is lost in thought for a moment. "Very well, Severus, you will, of course, continue your spying on the Order for me. But in the meantime, work on growing close to Dumbledore again. It will take time, but I'm sure you will find ways to ingratiate yourself to the old man. After all, you did it once, you can do it again. Perhaps you can seek his help and forgiveness for this _perversity_ he is convinced you possess. Albus Dumbledore has always had a weakness for the repentant."

"Yes, my Lord. You are very wise, as always."

Voldemort's voice lowers suddenly and he speaks just above a whisper. "And now there is something I must know. Is it true, what Dumbledore said, about your…_depraved _desires for the boy?"

Snape bows his head and speaks in the same whisper, "Yes, my Lord."

"Tell me, my servant, why have you not shared these desires with me before?"

Snape answers meekly, "I was ashamed of my weakness, my Lord. I am sorry."

The Death Eaters are now chuckling with anticipation. They smell blood and they are waiting for the axe to fall. Voldemort raises his hand into the air, silencing them. There is a glint of something in his eyes. Harry can't quite place it – but he thinks it looks like a combination of lust and amusement.

"I have long suspected that young boys are your weakness, Severus," Voldemort says and then continues in a somewhat puzzled tone, "But I did not know about this desire for Harry Potter…"

Voldemort pauses for a minute, staring into Snape's eyes – he is silently searching Snape's mind for something, compelling Snape to share his secrets. He seems to give up for a moment and then intones, "Legilimens!"

Harry watches as small beads of moisture begin to form on Snape's brow – and is alarmed to note that his normally impassive expression becomes increasingly transparent during Voldemort's assault. The force of the spell is strong – Harry can almost feel the weight of Voldemort's magic bearing down on Snape – penetrating his mind. After a couple of minutes, Voldemort's eyes flash suddenly – his expression rapt and exultant – as though he has found what he was looking for.

"You've been lusting after Harry Potter for_ years_ now, haven't you, Severus? Since he first came to school. And that old man's been standing in your way this entire time?"

A momentary flash of surprise crosses Snape's face, as though he had not expected Voldemort to see this information, but his face quickly returns to his impassive gaze. A quiet, almost embarrassed whisper leaves Snape's mouth: "Yes, my Lord."

A long moment of silence passes, as Voldemort carefully studies Severus Snape, who is still humbly on his knees at the feet of his Master. The Death Eaters seem confused now, apparently wondering why Snape is still alive, why he is not writhing on the ground in pain. Their astonishment only increases at Voldemort's next request.

"Come here, Severus. Come sit with me," he says, gesturing to his lap, "and tell me about these desires."

Snape acts unsurprised by the request, but his deadpan expression makes it impossible for Harry to know what he is really thinking. Snape sits down on Voldemort's lap and with Voldemort's coaxing, Snape leans his back against his Dark Lord's chest.

"Tell me, Severus. Tell me everything," Voldemort whispers in Snape's ear, placing his hand gently across Snape's chest. The gesture is so intimate, it is easy to forget that there are 50 others watching.

Snape begins to speak slowly. His voice is very quiet, a declaration that his words are meant for Voldemort alone. "I often watch him when he is not aware that I am looking. He is so young – so unspoiled. His innocence is my aphrodisiac. I want to drink it in as I defile him. I want to break him, make him bleed under me as I take him." Harry watches in horror as Voldemort's hand leaves Snape's chest and reaches between Snape's legs.

-

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Harry had been shivering in disgust and fear for some time now. He was trying to remain calm – to watch what Snape was showing him. But this was too much for him to bear. He tried yet again unsuccessfully to break the connection with Snape. He didn't want to see anymore.

"LET ME OUT!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs.

There was no response, the memory continued on, playing in Harry's mind. He could not stop it – and unlike events occurring in real time, he could not ignore it. He tried to close his eyes – but realized quickly that you cannot close your eyes to a memory when it is being forced into your brain. He had only one option left. To beg!

"Please STOP! I don't want to see this. I don't want to see anymore," Harry pleaded.

Snape's voice resonated inside his head, as though he were standing all around him. "What's the matter, Potter?" the voice asked cruelly. "Are you not an _adult_ anymore? You wanted to know. You _begged_ me to show you. You think you know me? YOU KNOW NOTHING!"

"Please…no more!"

Suddenly, pain was shooting up and down Harry's body. It was a strange sensation – the pain was coming from a memory, but to Harry it seemed all too real in that moment. Snape was making him relive his memory of his encounter with Voldemort in the Riddle graveyard again – when Voldemort had cast the Cruciatus curse on Harry. Suddenly the pain was gone and Harry knew he hadn't been breathing as he started gasping, begging for air to fill his thirsty lungs.

"Do NOT interrupt again," Snape's voice said savagely.

Suddenly Harry was back in the memory again – a few moments before he had begun begging Snape to end this torture. Snape had 'rewound' the memory for him.

-

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"Tell me, Severus. Tell me everything," Voldemort murmurs seductively in Snape's ear.

Snape whispers: "I often watch him when he is not aware that I am looking. He is so young – so unspoiled. His innocence is my aphrodisiac. I want to drink it in as I defile him. I want to break him, make him bleed under me as I take him." Voldemort's hand moves to Snape's groin.

"Oh Severus, you are becoming hard just thinking about it, aren't you? Take it out for me, Severus. Show me how much you want him."

Snape does as he is instructed. Harry tries to look away, but he cannot. True to Voldemort's word, Snape is already half-hard. Voldemort reaches over and places his hand around Snape's exposed erection and begins to gently caress it.

"Tell me, Severus – describe to me in detail how you would do it."

Snape hesitates for barely a moment, but speaks as though the answer is on the tip of his tongue: "Initially, I immobilize him just enough to keep him from fleeing. I remove his outer robes slowly, watching his eyes the whole time. When you look into his eyes, my Lord, you can see straight through him. He is so wide open – he does not even know."

By now, Voldemort has whispered a lubrication spell for his hand, which he is moving up and down Snape's length, stroking him firmly, but very slowly. Snape's breathing has deepened, evidence that he is enjoying these attentions very much.

The other Death Eaters look on in stunned shock – this is clearly a completely new site to them. They have never seen their Dark Lord be so tender, so_ intimate _with one of their own. Bewildered, they watch as their Master's lips, which so often utter harsh Unforgivables, now whisper soft erotic urgings in Snape's ear.

One of the group makes a noise – perhaps angling for a better view, and Voldemort casts a silent _Crucio_ in his direction.

Voldemort speaks more loudly this time, making sure his followers hear him. "We will not be interrupted again. Go on, Severus."

"I tell him that I am going to take him. I explain that fighting will only make it worse on him. I carefully undress him, removing all his clothing and examine his pale, perfect flesh. It is cold. Perhaps he shivers. Then I begin to undress, and I make sure to watch his eyes widen in horror at the size of my erection."

"Yes. You are very big, Severus," Voldemort murmurs in Snape's ear, his voice returning to that intimate whisper.

Snape continues: "I kiss him all over his body, waiting patiently for his tears to come. When they do, I lick them all up, tasting his innocence."

Voldemort is still stroking Snape, the look of lust in his eyes is growing exponentially. By now, Snape has thrown his head back, resting it on Voldemort's shoulder – surrendering himself to the pleasure his Dark Lord is giving him.

"I tell him that I will be gentle with him if he behaves, if he pleases me. I remove the immobilizing spell. He remains frozen."

Voldemort speaks again, this time his voice has changed to a strangled hiss: "Are you telling him the truth Severusssss? Will you be gentle?"

Snape replies breathily: "Noooo…" Snape moans loudly as Voldemort squeezes him harder, clearly aroused himself by Snape's answer. Voldemort is breathing heavily now, his slit-like nostrils dilating in excitement.

Voldemort whispers in Severus's ear: "Do you feel how hard I am, Severus, from your desires?"

"Yesssss," Snape hisses back.

"Don't you think we should do something about that?" Voldemort asks.

Snape snaps himself out of his own pleasure and begins to move. He is moving to get up, to satisfy Voldemort, but Voldemort stills him, holding him tight. Instead, he swings Snape's legs up to his right side, so that Snape is now lying across Voldemort's lap on his back, as one would cradle a small child. Levitating pillows support Snape's head and feet. Voldemort murmurs another spell, removing Snape's under robes, freeing him completely. His hand never releases his grasp on Snape's erection. This change in position has now freed a spot between Voldemort's legs.

"Lucius, get over here," Voldemort says, motioning to his erection. Lucius Malfoy steps forward, and moves towards Voldemort. Soon he is on his knees, and Harry watches as he opens Voldemort's lower robes, freeing his Master. Harry shivers in disgust at what he sees. Harry tries to look away again as Lucius begins attending to Voldemort, but Snape is making it impossible, still in complete control of what Harry is seeing.

"Would you like someone to attend to you as well, Severus?" Voldemort offers graciously. "Macnair, perhaps? He has such a slutty mouth."

"No, my Lord, thank you. I prefer your hand, my Lord," Snape says with a reverence all too evident in his voice and eyes.

"Of course you do, Severus," Voldemort says with a narcissistic smile on his face. "Please continue, Severus. Tell me what you do to Harry Potter next."

"I tell him to take me into his mouth. He hesitates, but the rising anger in my eyes causes him to submit. His fear is palpable – and it is driving me _wild_. Slowly, he places his lips around me. I tell him what I want and he does as he is told…"

Voldemort breaks this quiet moment suddenly, smacking Lucius hard across the face. "Aren't you listening to Severus's beautiful story? Do what Harry is doing for Severus. I will not tell you again," he spits angrily.

"Yes, my Lord," Lucius replies dutifully.

"Go on Severus, please," Voldemort whispers tenderly in Snape's ear.

"The feel of his mouth around me is causing me to lose control. I want so badly to grasp his hair and be rough with him, but I hold back, making a mental note to save that for later."

Although Voldemort does not hold back with Lucius, his attention remains keenly focused on Snape's pleasure, and he does not halt his motions for even an instant.

Snape continues: "I turn him around and whisper into his ear that I am going to take him now – with no preparation, the only lubricant is his saliva. Then I carefully explain to him why. I tell him that I _never_ want him to forget the feeling of me inside him – that I want him to carry it with him always. I tell him that if I take him this way, the feeling will be infinitely more intense. I can _smell_ his fear. It is so heavy in the air. I think I might come just then because of it." Snape closes his eyes and emits a low groan, as if the thought itself is too much for him.

"I force him to his knees and position myself…" Snape says, pausing for a moment, knowing what his Lord wants. Sheer terror flashes in Lucius's eyes as he realizes what Voldemort is about to do.

"Go on, Severus," Voldemort murmurs urgently.

"I wait, just a moment, until he begs me to stop. He begs so beautifully…with such exquisitely innocent whimpers," Snape moans, his voice rapid with lust. Voldemort's eyes on are fire now and he is clutching Snape in his arms tighter than ever – like a prized possession.

"I take him in one movement. His scream is like the finest wine. He begins writhing against me, fighting hard, desperately trying to escape the pain – but I am holding him steady." Snape pauses again, this time watching as Voldemort enacts his fantasy with Lucius, whose screams remain unheard. Voldemort has cast a silencing spell, clearly not wanting to interrupt Snape's story.

"Tell me how Harry Potter feels, Severusssss," Voldemort hisses.

"Oh…he is amazing. And I take him so hard, it is almost unbearable. I want him to know that he is _mine_ – that _I _possess him – that I OWN him. That he is _NOTHING _without me now."

"Oh yessssss," Voldemort moans into Snape's ear.

Voldemort reaches his other hand over towards Snape's Dark Mark. Harry has seen Voldemort inflict pain this way before, but as Voldemort presses his finger against Snape's flesh, Snape howls, his body nearly flies into the air, bucking up wildly – his breathing now completely erratic.

Voldemort raises his other hand and strokes Snape's cheek, almost affectionately, as he asks, "Does your Master know how to give you _pleasure, _Severusssss?"

"Yessssssss," Snape hisses, eyes wild with ecstasy. "Ohhhh yesssssss," Snape says through hitching breaths born from crushing pleasure.

"Go on, Severusssss," Voldemort urges.

Snape takes a few moments to control his breathing. He is panting as he speaks, "He is willing his body not to respond as he struggles wildly beneath me, but I take my time, knowing that his flesh will betray him. He cannot resist; soon he is hard. And he is crying again – lovely tears. I hear him moan through his sobs. Oh, it's the most delicious sound! I taunt him with my words: 'You want this, don't you, Harry? My little whore likes this.' I am so eager to taste his shame and humiliation. I reach down, coating my fingers in it, and then I taste it. It's sooooo gooooood."

Voldemort intensifies his strokes to a maddening pace.

Snape needs no more encouragement from Voldemort to continue his story – he seems completely absorbed in it now.

"The taste of him on my lips and the feel of his heat beneath me pushes me over the edge. I know I am there. I come hard – _marking him _as mine forever…"

"Oh yessssss. Come inside Harry, Severusssssss. Come and say his name," Voldemort commands.

With one long hard stroke from Voldemort, Snape begins coming, and screams lustfully: "Haaaarrryy…Haaaarrryy…"

The sound of Snape's scream makes Voldemort come as well. But Voldemort does not neglect Snape for even a moment, making sure he has given him full release. By now, Lucius is lying on the ground, wincing from pain as he has finally regained control over his body.

Minutes later, Voldemort, who is still cradling Snape tightly to him, whispers in Snape's ear with perverse tenderness.

"I enjoyed that very much, Severus."

"As did I, my Lord. Thank you."

Snape slowly raises himself off of Voldemort's lap. But instead of customarily kneeling at Voldemort's feet, Snape kneels instead at Voldemort side, and bows so that he rests his forehead on his Dark Lord's thigh. The gesture is obscenely intimate.

Snape speaks with the utmost reverence: "Thank you, my Lord, for that magnificent gift."

"You are welcome, Severus."

In a return of his servant's intimacy, Voldemort suggestively places his hand on the back of Snape's head, the tips of his bony fingers just touching the exposed skin at the base of Snape's neck. After another lingering moment, Voldemort raises his hand and beckons Snape to meet his eyes.

"Now, my loyal servant, your next task is to regain the old man's trust. I realize it will take time, but when the time comes, Severus, you will kill Dumbledore for me, and you will bring me Harry Potter."

Snape speaks eagerly, with no hesitation in his voice: "I will do everything you ask of me, my Lord."

"I know you will, Severus. And I will reward you for your loyalty. I shall let you be the first to have the boy. Harry Potter will be yours, Severus!"

Snape's eyes light up with perverse rapture, a depraved smile on his face: "Thank you, my Lord. Your generosity is without bounds." Snape kneels back down and begins fervently kissing the hem of Voldemort's robes, apparently lost in his submissive reverie. After a moment, he rises slightly and reaches for Voldemort's bony hand – cradling the bottom of his Dark Lord's wrist in his left hand, while gently holding the long fingers in his right. Snape presses his lips to the knuckles of Voldemort's outstretched hand – the gesture is so slow, so absolute, there can be no doubt of the man's devotion. A distinct smile appears on Voldemort's face.

Voldemort's eyes possess a deranged glint as he speaks, his visage still wide with that disturbing smile. "Yesss, Severussss. I knew you would like that. But for now, we will bide our time and wait for the right moment. And in the meantime, my servant, I'm sure you will find other ways to fulfill your desires."

-

-

Suddenly, without warning, Harry felt himself being released from the memory – from Snape's hold on his mind. Now in control of his body once more, Harry, who had been feeling unbearably sick for some time now, sank immediately down to the ground and began retching uncontrollably.

As he looked up at Snape, he felt his throat tighten with fear and betrayal. Harry stood up unsteadily. Snape's dark eyes met his without hesitation.

Snape began speaking, his voice low and deranged: "So, now you finally know the truth, Potter. It is not what you expected, is it? Now you see who Severus Snape really is." Snape took a step forward, his eyes flashing dangerously and a maniacal smile spreading across his face.

Harry began to falter back towards the door, but Snape met his movements, advancing on him.

He taunted Harry with a leer in his voice, "Where are you going?"

Harry trembled, recognizing the same depraved look on Snape's face as when Voldemort had offered Harry to him in the memory.

Still advancing on Harry, Snape spoke in a sinister, seductive whisper.

"Tell me, do you like it? Do you like what you saw? Do you still want to come here for lessons? Do you still want to fall asleep on that couch with me watching you? Do you still want to…_know _me…Haaaarrryy?"

Harry was enveloped in a cold sweat hearing the way Snape had spoken his given name – in that same lust-filled tone as he had used while coming in Voldemort's arms. _Dear God help me_, Harry thought and somehow he summoned the strength to move his feet, which felt glued to the floor.

Harry staggered into a run. He fled from the dungeon, up the staircase, down the corridor, up Gryffindor tower and into his room. By the time he got there, his face was wet with tears, and he became sick again at the foot of his bed. And it seemed to go on forever – vomiting had given way long ago to painful dry heaving. He forced some of the emotions away, burying them, and that helped him regain control over his body again.

And suddenly, the full force of all he had witnessed hit him. _It can't be…it can't! _As the realization that those memories were indeed real dawned on Harry, he felt something deep inside his soul shatter – something he knew could never, would never be fixed.

-

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**A/N:** PLEASE please please review. This was one of my favorite chapters to write - did I tell you I was sick and twisted or what?

Mega-thanks to **Kelei **for her delicious betaing!

Thanks to all my reviewers! I was thrilled to no end by your confusion and outrage and crazy and not-so-crazy theories. I hope this chapter has shed a bit more light on the truth for you. And I can't wait to read what you have to say now. Please!

The full text of this chapter is up on Ink stained fingers (see my Author Profile for the link). If you liked what you read here and you are of age, I recommend reading the full text version of this chapter.

Oh my! What on earth have I done, you ask? In the words of our brilliant and apparently depraved Potions master, I hope I have "shattered your ridiculous illusions."

In the next chapter, _Because I know, Severus_, Harry is understandably shaken and well...broken. Despite what he now knows, he decides that at the moment, his fear of Snape outweighs his confusion over Dumbledore's role in all of this. Scared out of his wits, he makes his way to Dumbledore's office, praying he doesn't encounter the deranged Severus Snape on the way.

PLEASE (pretty please) review.


	22. Because I know

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 22: Because I know**

A single thought played over and over in Harry's head: _Severus Snape is a monster._ Harry sat in the middle of his bed, with blankets curled around him and his wand out, ready for Snape to come charging in at any moment. He knew it was probably a ridiculous notion, but being all alone in the tower had caused his mind to dismiss the rational. He had never wished for the Christmas holidays to be over so soon as he did now. And they had just begun!

Harry's immediate thought after witnessing the memories was that they were not real – that they had to be false memories Snape had created. But he knew that was impossible. Both memories were long and extremely detailed and there could be no doubt to their authenticity.

As Harry went over the first memory again in his mind, he realized that, on a logical level, it did seem to make sense. Dumbledore had appeared very concerned when Harry had told him he loved Snape. Dumbledore's response to this revelation was not only to tell Harry to 'be patient' and not to 'push,' but also to not approach Snape, to keep their relationship 'professional,' until Snape said otherwise. And of course, Snape had done just the opposite, probably under direct orders or, more likely, under threat from Dumbledore. This would fit Dumbledore's methods, using a subtle, surreptitious approach to keep Harry away from Snape without having to reveal too much to Harry. After all, in the memory, Dumbledore did say he wanted Harry's lessons to continue. And honesty wouldn't have been a very effective tactic to ensure such an outcome.

Harry mused about how an honest approach might have gone. He imagined Dumbledore telling him, '_I think you should reevaluate your feelings, my boy. See, I've recently discovered that Professor Snape has a sick fascination with young boys. But don't worry, I trust him when it comes to Order business, and I want you to continue your lessons with him. There is no need to concern yourself with this matter, Harry. I'll be keeping an eye on you just in case._' Harry knew that he would have gone running, and not to Snape. Yes, Harry noted with a sick feeling in his stomach, the memory of Dumbledore's conversation with Snape did make sense. As for the second memory – Harry couldn't even bring himself to think about that one again.

But despite all the logical arguments rumbling around in Harry's brain, there was a part of him that could not accept what he saw. On a deeper level, he felt sure that things really didn't make sense. He couldn't reconcile the malevolent side of Snape he had seen in those memories with the Snape he thought he knew – the side of Snape that gleamed, if only momentarily, with pride when Harry did something well in their lessons. He couldn't help but remember the Snape that had held him – chastely, tenderly – after reliving his disturbing memories of Privet Drive, and yes, the part that touched him – not with lust alone, but with love? Harry snapped himself out of his hopeful thoughts. _Perhaps I am the fool Snape said I was_. Harry desperately wanted to believe these now fleeting hopes, but he knew they could not be true. He had seen the evidence. And it was damning.

And now sitting here all alone in Gryffindor tower in the middle of the night, he felt afraid. Would Snape come after him now that he had revealed himself? Would he try to bring Harry to Voldemort? Harry wasn't sure, but he had seen the depraved glint in Snape's eyes and the lascivious tone to his voice just before he had fled the dungeons and he certainly didn't want to wait and find out. He needed to get out of here. He needed to be somewhere safe. Harry didn't particularly want to see Dumbledore, but he quickly realized that there was no one else he could turn to. And given Dumbledore's attitude towards Snape in the first memory, Harry knew that at least Dumbledore would believe him about Snape's deranged behavior.

Harry left the tower and made his way quietly down the hall under his invisibility cloak, his wand pointed unsteadily in front of him. This time he wasn't using his cloak to prevent being seen out after curfew, but was using it to hide from Snape, whom he worried was lurking in the corridors. When Harry finally reached the stone gargoyle, he began reciting all the passwords he could think of, but the stone bird did not move.

After what seemed like an eternity, Harry threw off his cloak and began to scream, in fear and rage: "Let me in damn it! Let me in you bloody bird. I need to speak to Dumbledore now!" Harry was beginning to hyperventilate. As he continued screaming at the unmoving stone, he thought he heard a noise behind him, and spun around but saw nothing. He was beginning to feel dizzy. Overwhelmed with anxiety, he slid his back down the wall and cradled himself, his wand still outstretched. He couldn't quite catch his breath – his heart was pounding harder and harder in his chest. He thought it might explode out of his body at any moment. _I'm going to die_, he thought. And suddenly, he felt strong hands grasping him – pulling him off the floor. _It's Snape, he's come to get me_, Harry thought. He tried to cast a disarming spell, but it seemed he no longer had his wand. _It's over now_, he thought, and closed his eyes.

And then, without warning, Harry became completely numb. There was no more fear, no more panic, no more anything. He opened his eyes and found himself seated on the comfortable red couch in Dumbledore's sitting room, situated behind his office. Dumbledore was staring at him, concern etched in his face.

"You seem to have had a panic attack, Harry. I found you outside my office in quite a state. I apologize, but I felt it wise to cast an anti-emotion spell on you. It is only temporary, I assure you. Is this making sense, my boy?"

Harry spoke with a logic of mind he had never quite experienced before, "Yes, Professor. It makes perfect sense. Thank you. I came to see you tonight because I feared for my safety. There is something very important I need to speak with you about."

"Very well, Harry. I assure you, you are completely safe with me. Would you like me to remove the spell now?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Dumbledore removed the spell, and Harry felt a spontaneous surge of emotions reenter his mind. He pushed them back as best he could and began to tell Dumbledore about the horrors Snape had revealed to him. But he hesitated.

"Snape showed me what you said to him in his office…about not trusting him…with me, because of…you know…" Harry paused but Dumbledore made no effort at a response. "And then he showed me something else…something I think you ought to know." Harry gulped.

Still, no response came from the Headmaster.

"It was a meeting with Voldemort. He was…it was horrible…" Harry couldn't go on. He would have to tell Dumbledore the content eventually, of course, but not a moment before he was forced to. "I begged him to stop showing me, but he wouldn't. And afterwards he was so…crazy…like he was going to…to…" Harry took a deep breath. "I didn't know where else to go."

Finally there was a reaction from Dumbledore, but it was not at all what Harry had expected. There was no anger or urgency in his face. He looked sad and defeated. Harry was sure he saw Dumbledore's eyes brimming with tears.

"I knew Severus was lost, but not like this," Dumbledore said, his voice cracking. Another long moment passed, and Dumbledore turned his attentions to Harry, his voice suddenly stronger. "Harry, listen to me, child. None of it is true. Severus is not the monster you think he is. It is not so."

Harry protested. Clearly Dumbledore didn't understand what he had just heard. "But sir, it is. I saw it, both memories. They were real."

"Not precisely."

"They were false memories? But how—"

"No, Harry. The memories were indeed real. Please let me explain. The first memory you witnessed did happen. I did have that exact conversation in Severus's office with him, but it was staged. We planned it in advance, so that Severus would have a memory to show Voldemort when he was called back. We needed a memory that would explain why he wasn't able to deliver you to him. We came up with the idea of my accusing Severus of having…inappropriate feelings towards young boys, thus creating an excuse he could give Voldemort for my sudden insistence on observing him during his lessons with you. Apparently Severus felt that Voldemort would easily believe this. Do you understand me, Harry?"

"Yes…yes…that makes sense." Relief was beginning to wash over Harry at this news. That is until he remembered the second memory. "But…so what about the second memory?"

Dumbledore sighed. His voice was filled with sadness as he spoke, "I was not present, of course, but from the little you told me, I imagine that that memory is indeed real, Harry. It did happen. Severus's role as a spy forces him to do many…unpleasant things."

So that was _all_ part of his spy role? Yes, of course that was a perfectly reasonable explanation, Harry thought. But…Dumbledore did not see the events between Snape and Voldemort the way he had. He did not see the mad, licentious gaze Harry saw in Snape's eyes as he described raping Harry, the boundless pleasure he experienced as Voldemort stroked him to orgasm, or the rapturous expression of devotion on Snape's face afterwards when he swore his allegiance to his Dark Lord. Harry knew he had to show Dumbledore the memory. He had to let the Headmaster see it for himself – to make him understand what had happened. Only then could Dumbledore make a judgment about Snape's loyalty – but not a moment before.

And then there was the matter of Snape's behavior afterwards. He looked deranged – it was as if he were that person, that monster he had seen in the second memory with Voldemort. It seemed to Harry that Snape was confirming that those feelings he expressed to Voldemort were indeed true, as if he planned to rape Harry right then and there.

Just thinking about it was making Harry feel ill again. His head was beginning to spin and he thought he might faint. Dumbledore was at his side immediately.

"Harry, are you feeling unwell? Do you want to go to Madam Pomfrey?"

Terrified at the idea of leaving Dumbledore's office, Harry shouted, "No! Please don't send me away!" Ashamed of his fear, he added quickly, "I mean…I'll be okay…I just need to sit still for a while."

Dumbledore put a reassuring hand on Harry's back and began rubbing small gentle circles there. "No one is going to harm you, my child. You do not have to go anywhere. You may stay here as long as you wish to." After a few minutes, when it seemed to Dumbledore that Harry was more composed, he spoke again. "Harry, I know you've been through quite an ordeal tonight, but there is a memory I have that I think will give you some perspective on what you've seen. Perhaps you can view it in the morning after you've had some rest and—"

But Harry cut Dumbledore off, "No. I need to see it. I need to see everything now. Please."

"Very well, Harry. But I must warn you. It will not be an easy memory to watch."

"It can't possibly be worse than what I've seen, Professor."

Dumbledore sighed, "That is very true, Harry. I would suggest the pensieve; however, I think it would be best that you don't get up. If you wish to stop the memory, Harry, simply say so."

"Yes, sir."

"Very well then."

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As soon as the memory entered his mind, Harry found himself in the Forbidden Forest and noticed Dumbledore standing there alone. Harry felt Dumbledore's voice in his head, saying gently, "Harry, this takes place immediately after Severus returns from that Death Eater meeting you, unfortunately, were forced to witness. I am waiting for him. This is not a usual habit of mine, and therefore he is not expecting me, but I was worried he might be injured given the events of his previous encounter with Voldemort."

"Previous encounter?" Harry asked.

"Yes, this meeting occurred about four weeks ago, Harry. This is the first time he was summoned after the meeting you witnessed in your dream."

Harry focused his attention on the Forest in front of him.

In the distance, Snape suddenly appears, having Apparated directly from Voldemort's side. As soon as his feet hit the ground, he drops down to his knees and starts to retch. Dumbledore approaches him rapidly, his wand pointed at Snape, scanning him for injuries.

"Are you hurt, Severus?" Dumbledore queries with concern.

Snape does not seem too surprised to see Dumbledore, but his attention is devoted elsewhere. He manages to shake his head before becoming sick again.

Harry is beginning to feel sick himself, watching this. Dumbledore seems to sense this immediately, because Harry suddenly feels waves of calm and reassurance wash over him, like an invisible mental hug from Dumbledore – steeling him for what he was seeing, for what is about to come.

Snape's now dry heaving stops abruptly and his eyes go wide in horror, as though he has just remembered something. He frantically starts tearing off his robes, his eyes filled with panic, as though his robes are burning him.

Dumbledore speaks again, his concern quite evident, "Severus, please are you hurt?" Harry notices that Dumbledore is keeping his distance from the hysterical man.

Snape manages, "No, not like that," but does not pause undressing. As he removes his clothing, Snape is pointing his wand at the newly exposed skin, shouting "_Scourgify_" frantically, over and over again, until his skin begins to turn red and raw. Snape is nearly naked now, but Harry cannot see his body clearly. Harry realizes that Dumbledore is blurring the image, preserving the man's modesty – and Harry is glad of it. He watches as Snape tumbles around in the snow half naked, half frozen, his eyes distant and frenzied.

Dumbledore speaks firmly, trying to get Snape's attention, trying to snap him out of his reverie, "Severus, please!"

Snape snaps his head up and looks up at Dumbledore, as though he has only become aware of his presence. His words are frantic, "Albus, _PLEASE_ help me!" Snape's eyes bore holes through Dumbledore's, a silent instruction.

Dumbledore sighs as he raises his wand and casts a silent, but extremely powerful cleansing charm on Snape, who is now enveloped in a cloud of bright golden light. When it dissipates, Snape sighs, and falls into the snow, as though he plans on sleeping there for the night. Tears are running down his face, but he is completely silent.

"Severus, come with me," Dumbledore says gently.

There is no response from Snape.

"Severus?"

Dumbledore waits a moment, but then moves towards the feeble man, grabs his arm, and suddenly they are gone. Now they are both in Dumbledore's quarters – Snape remains on the floor with Dumbledore leaning over him.

_They apparated! Inside Hogwarts_, Harry thinks. _Of course Dumbledore would be able to do that. _Harry's thoughts are confirmed by Dumbledore's voice, which he hears speaking to him through their connection: "Yes Harry. And I would appreciate it, if you could keep that little fact to yourself."

Snape is still unresponsive to Dumbledore. But his eyes betray his utter dejection. Harry feels helpless watching this, but he finally understands. The man he loves is clearly in so much anguish – he is dying inside from what has just transpired with Voldemort. Part of Harry is relieved beyond words to witness this reaction – an affirmation of his disgust at Voldemort and the disturbing fetishistic fantasy he has just played out for him. But another part is impossibly sad and overwhelmed at what Severus has gone through, what he continues to go through – all to keep him and others safe.

Dumbledore reaches down and gathers Snape up off the floor. He easily carries the gaunt man to his bed and removes the rest of Snape's, now wet, clothing. Snape's eyes have a glassy appearance and he remains motionless. Harry has never seen Snape like this – normally Snape covers himself with layers of robes and his deadpan expression. Harry has never seen him this unguarded, never this open, never so _vulnerable _in front of another.

Dumbledore tucks the blankets around Snape and he sits down on the bed beside him and coaxes Snape to drink a potion, which he does without question. Dumbledore then begins gently stroking Snape's head. "It's okay, Severus. Everything will be alright, I promise," he says soothingly.

Harry suddenly finds himself feeling quite envious of Dumbledore. He wants to be the one doing this. He wants to be the one taking care of Severus, tucking him in, reassuring him, whispering words of comfort, words of love in his ear.

Time shifts in the memory, and Harry notices that it is morning. Dumbledore has not moved from Snape's side. Snape starts awake.

"It's alright, Severus. You're safe."

"Albus…" Snape says, his voice croaking.

"Here, take this," Dumbledore instructs, presenting another potion which Snape swallows.

"Thank you," he says, his voice now clearer. After a short moment, he continues, "Go ahead, Albus, look."

"Severus, it can wait."

"No! Do it now. There is no point in delaying," Snape insists adamantly.

Dumbledore sighs, and replies, "If you are sure, my boy."

Harry watches as Dumbledore removes a single silvery strand from Snape's temple. Snape sighs audibly with relief once it has been extracted. Dumbledore moves over to the pensieve and views Snape's memory of the events that transpired between him and Voldemort that night.

Harry is stunned. _You knew?_ he asks Dumbledore in his thoughts.

Dumbledore replies, _Of course, Harry. Severus tells me everything._

As Dumbledore moves to return the memory, his already sad eyes become quite pained as they watch Snape flinch, his eyes refilling with pain as the memory reenters his mind.

Dumbledore speaks, "It seems that he's more than convinced Severus…"

"Oh yes. He's very convinced. It seems I was quite right about our approach to this. You saw how pleased – no, _ecstatic_" Snape says with disgust, "he was to hear about my perverse desires for boys…particularly for Harry."

Harry shivers at Snape's words.

Dumbledore replies, "Severus, I am very glad that the plan worked and that you were able to successfully fool Voldemort – but do NOT fool _yourself_ now. Those are not your desires, Severus. Do not forget that."

"They might as well be," Snape murmurs.

Dumbledore's voice is firm, almost a reprimand, "Severus, stop that immediately! This is me you are talking to here. You cannot fool me. I know very well that you've never had sexual feelings for Harry before this term. And you know very well he is of age. And I most certainly know you would never force yourself on him – far from it, in fact. You're forcing him away from you. What are you trying to do, Severus?"

"I'm protecting him, Albus," Snape almost whimpers.

"What exactly are you protecting him from?"

Snape replies in an unsteady whisper, "From me, Albus. From my…my sick…" Snape stops abruptly, his voice cracking on his last words.

Dumbledore sits back down on the bed next to Snape, taking his hand in his own. With his other hand, he moves a finger under Snape's chin, forcing him to meet his eyes.

"Severus, you are _not _the monster you pretend to be. I realize that in order to convince Voldemort of your loyalty, you must go deeper into your role as a spy than anyone else could possibly handle or begin to imagine. But do not ever forget that _THAT _is not who you are, my boy."

With a pronounced look of torment and anguish on his face, Snape speaks in a strangled, hoarse sob, "How can you be so sure, Albus?"

Hearing these desperate words, Dumbledore pulls Snape close to him, and holds him in his arms, rocking him gently. He whispers, "Because I know, my dear boy. _I know_."

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As soon as the memory ended and Harry had once again regained control over his body, all of his restrained emotions began spilling out. He sank onto the floor, his back against the couch, and started sobbing uncontrollably. He cried at the realization that the place he thought was broken inside him, was now mended, filled with sympathy and awe for the man he loved. Awe at the enormity of the work he did for the Order, sympathy for the anguish it caused him. He realized that he could not even begin to comprehend it.

A part of Harry was angry at Snape for putting him through this – but at that very moment, it was a small part, because Harry understood. Snape was trying to protect Harry from the monster that Snape believes himself to be. _The man is selfless beyond words and yet he thinks he's evil._ It was unfathomable.

Dumbledore seemed to understand the reason for his tears, because he simply patted Harry gently on the back, and said, "I know, Harry."

After a few minutes, Dumbledore leaned over, and helped Harry back onto the couch, which he had transfigured into a twin bed. "We can talk more tomorrow, Harry. You need to get some rest now."

Harry nodded and barely had time to get himself settled before falling fast asleep.

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**A/N:** PLEASE please review. Can't wait for your comments on this one...

I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter – it is a joyous catharsis after the last two – especially with the Dumbledore-Snape love! (If you like my AD-SS relationship in this and other chapters, **please** check out my new story - Unexpected Grace, which I have just posted. It is also quite SnapeAngsty and needs some loyal readers...I assure a fun ride or your money back ;)

So…the truth finally comes out. Our dearest Severus is suffering from some serious _cognitive dissonance_, not to mention a million other things…

Congratulations to those of you who figured it out (a couple of very clever people out there) and kudos to those of you who never gave up hope for our tormented Potions Master. If anything remains unclear…feel free to ask. I don't know if this is necessary, but someone suggested it so I've created a forum for you to discuss my insanely sick plot twists (go to my profile and my forums)…so if that interests anyone, go and post something, ask a question or tell me how hot you found my Vol/SS love in the last chapter (lol)!

In case the timing is still unclear: the first memory was staged between Snape and Dumbledore sometime after Chpt 16 (remember Dumbledore tells Snape he won't let him go back unless he can come up with a plan to explain his inability to deliver Harry to Voldemort). The second memory is, of course, Severus being the brilliant spy he is (although perhaps he was a bit too good - what do you think?). As for his crazed behavior after the second memory – well that remains to be understood…as well as the fact that he scared the crap out of Harry by showing all of this to Harry in the first place. But who cares about Harry right now(?)!

What's next: Once Harry gets over his relief, will he forgive Severus for putting him through this? But that really isn't the dilemma, is it? The question is what will happen to Severus? What's going on inside his tortured head and can he ever get past it?

Next chapter: _To help you untangle the knot_ – the chapter begins with our first real insight into the inner workings of Snape's mindas he is showing thosememories to Harry. In the second part of the chapter: Snape's been alone in the dungeons for 2 days after this incidentand Dumbledore (who has been taking care of the shell-shocked Harry that whole time) finally comes and pays his Potions Mastera visit! Oh my! What will **he** sayto Snape about his deranged behavior!

Please PLEASE review…


	23. To help you untangle the knot, my boy

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.

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A/N: **Just to orient you….this chapter begins the moment Snape releases Harry from viewing that second horrible memory with Voldemort.**  
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**The Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 23: To help you untangle the knot, my boy**

As Severus Snape watched Harry Potter retching on the floor of his sitting room, he did not pause to wonder why he felt absolutely no sympathy for the boy – or why he even seemed to revel in this moment. Only much later would he wonder about such things. But now was not the time for reflection. Now, his next words flowed from his mouth, almost without conscious thought, "So, now you finally know the truth, Potter. It is not what you expected is it? Now you see who Severus Snape really is." Snape took a step forward, an involuntary smile spreading over his normally impassive face.

As the boy began faltering back towards the door, Snape met his movements, advancing on him.

"Where are you going?" he heard himself ask.

As the boy trembled visibly before him, he did not stop his assault. He could not. The thrum of his heartbeat sounded loudly in his ears and its percussive hum drove him onward as it would an orchestra. He surrendered himself to that familiar surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins – flooding his mind, drowning out rationality. The dark energy swelled in and through him like a tidal wave. He abandoned himself to it and continued to advance on the frightened boy. He heard his own voice sound in a sinister, seductive whisper.

"Tell me, do you like it? Do you like what you saw? Do you still want to come here for lessons? Do you still want to fall asleep on that couch with me watching you? Do you still want to…_know _me…Haaaarrryy?"

That had finally done it. Snape had felt a spike of terror surge through Harry before he had run. Once alone, he continued to stare at the doorway for a long moment, as if he were deciding whether to follow the now shattered young man. But instead, he made his way over to the hearth and sank down on the floor, his back against his armchair. He wandlessly summoned his favorite bottle of scotch and began downing it at record pace. It was only after a few glasses that he had regained his senses enough to reflect on what had just transpired.

What had he just done? Had he lost his mind? Had he lost complete control of his will? Had he surrendered himself to that dark area of his mind that _reveled_ in another's pain and humiliation? Had the boy's fear _excited _that part of him that he thought he had buried deep inside so long ago? He trembled at the thought. He knew he had gone too far – he had scared Harry senseless – but, he consoled himself, it had accomplished his goal. Harry needed to know the kind of person he _is_ – the wretched, depraved acts he commits.

It wasn't important to Snape that he was disgusted by Voldemort's fetish for his fictional pedophilia for Harry Potter. It wasn't important that Voldemort's touch sickened him beyond imagination and that that fateful night had tested his abilities as an Occlumens and spy beyond their limit. Because for Snape, he was that monster, that sick creature he so skillfully pretended to be. Perhaps not in the strictest sense, but that was his life – doing, saying, _being _all of those horrors.

And three nights ago, after having thrown countless insults and Unforgivable curses at him, Harry had kissed him – _HIM! _It was a surprising and terrifying thing – but not more so than Snape's realization that at that moment in time he wanted nothing more than to fall into Harry's arms and never let go. And so he had to make Harry understand – make him see that there could never be anything between them.

He had once thought that it would be enough for Harry that he was no longer young, beautiful, and innocent – all of the things that Harry deserved in a lover. But Harry was too much of an idealist. Snape had tried every way he knew how to make that persistently foolish boy understand. And now, showing Harry the horrible truth – _his truth_ – had become his last option. His soul was tainted, defiled long ago by Voldemort. He was nothing now but a damaged, broken man, Voldemort's toy. He did not deserve love or happiness.

As he sat in front of the crackling flames, Snape wondered idly how long it would take for Harry to go to Dumbledore after what he had just shown him. Snape realized, with both relief and regret, that even though Dumbledore would explain his deception regarding the first memory, Harry would also come to know with harsh certainty that the events in the second memory were indeed real. And_ that_ would be enough. No one, not even the quixotic Harry Potter, could forget those horrible images. No. Harry would never be able to forget the sight of his Potions' professor, his former lover, coming in Voldemort's arms – to that monster's touch, to the perverse fantasy of raping Harry.

No, Harry would not forget. Snape knew this for certain, because he himself could never forget. Despite all the horrors in his life – and there were many – when he had the gift of Albus's pensieve, it had supplanted all others as the first memory he removed and the very last he returned to his tormented mind.  
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Snape had been wondering when the Headmaster would finally come calling on him. Bright and early on this morning, he felt Dumbledore's magic gently prodding at his wards – a knock, so to speak – and Snape motioned for the door to open. He was surprised it had taken this long. It had been two days and one night since Harry left – no, ran – from him. Had it really taken Harry that long to confide in Dumbledore about what happened? Or had Dumbledore figured it out on his own? Severus put down his morning cup of tea and headed for his office to meet the Headmaster.

As Dumbledore strode in, Snape prepared himself for the upcoming confrontation.

"Severus," Dumbledore said simply, his voice sounding distant and cold. _Or was that just my imagination?_ Snape wondered. Dumbledore moved to sit down. Snape did the same, sitting directly across from the older wizard. He waited.

Snape knew Dumbledore was here to reprimand him, to lecture him about the appalling thing he'd done, and very likely to ask him to leave Hogwarts. But Snape was ready for that – he was ready to face the consequences of his actions, however uncertain he still was about whether he deemed them regrettable. Snape had tried to steel himself for the disappointment he would undoubtedly see in the eyes of perhaps the only man whose esteem he truly valued. He was prepared to hear Dumbledore angrily relate the tale of how he had found Harry, frightened and distraught, and knew to expect the appropriately scathing criticism that would follow. He had trespassed on the man's boundless trust and he was ready to tender his resignation. Briefly he wondered if Dumbledore would instead insist he be fired, with cause. He knew he deserved no better after all. Yes, Snape was ready. He waited for Dumbledore to speak. He waited patiently, but still apprehensively for the hailstorm, the icy look of betrayal on Dumbledore's face as he hurled stiff rebukes and cold reproaches – a rare chance to witness the quiet fury and power only Albus Dumbledore could possess and so masterfully reign. Snape was ready for anything, except perhaps, Dumbledore's next words, mirrored in his sad eyes.

"Severus…what have I done to you, my boy?" The words were so soft, so tender and they hurt Snape like mini-Crucios aimed at his chest. He could have sworn he saw tears in the corners of Dumbledore's eyes. Had the world turned upside down? Or perhaps it had just stopped.

"Ww…what?" Snape barely managed to stutter through his shock.

"I suppose I had become too confident in your invulnerability, Severus. I should not have been so easily swayed by your assurances. For that, I am to blame and I am deeply sorry, my dear boy. Normally, I would have been right to believe you capable of handling the impossible, but I failed to fully recognize the profound impact Harry would have on you. And as such, you clearly were not able to handle the emotional consequences."

Snape stared at Dumbledore for a long moment, as if Dumbledore's words were spoken in an alien tongue and he were trying to decipher them. When he spoke, his voice contained no anger, only surprise. "Are you calling me mentally unstable?"

"Not at all. You seem of sound mind at the moment, dear boy. But clearly, two nights ago, you were not."

Uncharacteristically, Snape said nothing, his silent admission that he did not completely disagree.

After a moment, he felt the need to explain, to tell this man who he cared for and had clearly disappointed why he had done it, but the words did not come easily, perhaps because he was as uncertain of the reason. "I…I don't know why I…"

Dumbledore seemed to understand, "Severus…I'm not even sure you were fully aware while you were doing it."

Snape looked up at him, unsure of what to say – just knowing that, in part, that was true.

Dumbledore sighed deeply before continuing in a heavy voice, wrought with grief and guilt, "Severus, I'm very sorry it has taken me so long to come and see you. But I've been spending the past two days looking after Harry. I needed him to calm down and gain some perspective on what has transpired, so that I would know with certainty what course of action to pursue in this matter, before I came to see you. You do understand, don't you, Severus, that I had to look after Harry first?" Dumbledore's question was posed apologetically, his tacit confession that he had failed Snape somehow – as though Snape was a victim in this. Yes, Snape thought, the world has turned upside down.

Snape's shock was plainly visible on his face as he continued staring at Dumbledore. Finally, he managed to find his voice, "Yes, of course, Headmaster."

"And now I am here to help you, my boy," Dumbledore said gently.

"Help me?"

"Yes. To help you untangle the knot you have tied yourself up in, my dear Severus," Dumbledore said with almost unbearably tender affection.

The older man's words elicited a burning sensation in his chest and he felt an unexpected wetness in his eyes – if he were not Severus Snape he might have thought them tears. He sucked them back and searched for a denial, "I am hardly—"

Dumbledore raised his hand, interrupting Snape gently, "You are in love with him, Severus. Why else would you try to push him away so forcefully, so intent on destroying yourself in the process? The sooner you realize and accept this truth, the sooner this madness will end."

And now, for the first time, Snape thought Dumbledore was wrong. He was keenly aware of the burdensome feelings he had developed for the young man. They were the reason for his, as Dumbledore so eloquently put it, madness.

Dumbledore spoke, apparently aware of Snape's thoughts, "Acceptance, Severus, doesn't mean running. It doesn't mean deceiving Harry to make him run."

Snape was searching for a way to respond.

Dumbledore spoke again, "He's alright, by the way."

"What?" Snape asked.

"You were wondering how Harry is. He is alright, at the moment. He came to me in considerable distress just hours after your encounter." Snape's face betrayed his surprise at this. "After I calmed him down, I explained the truth to him in the only way I knew how." Dumbledore paused for a moment, aware he was treading on sensitive territory. "Without compromising your modesty, Severus, I showed him my memory of events after your return from that fateful Death Eater meeting."

Snape was suddenly able to find his misplaced anger, "You _what_?"

"You left me little choice in the matter. I had to correct the damage you had done, Severus."

Snape spoke with indignation, "Why stop there? Why don't you show him everything, Albus? The boy's already so used to viewing my personal trauma." Snape was screaming now and wildly gesturing at his temple, "Why don't I just extract everything for you…so you can show him. Where do you want to start? My childhood, of course! What a lovely way to begin! Then we'll move to my years at Hogwarts. Oh, he would enjoy those memories – my suffering at the hands of the Gryffindor heroes…"

"Severus…" Dumbledore said, trying to interrupt.

Snape would not let him. He shot up from his chair and bellowed, his eyes flashing madly, "NO! Then I say we move to the meat of it, don't you think? My years as a Death Eater. My _first time _with the Dark Lord! Potter would certainly not be innocent anymore after witnessing that!" Snape was nearly hyperventilating now.

Dumbledore had obviously had enough. He spoke with a raised voice, "Severus, sit down!" Snape obeyed reluctantly. Dumbledore sighed heavily and paused for a moment before speaking, his voice low and gentle again, "I knew you were lost, my child, but not like this."

Silence.

"You have backed me into a corner, Severus. I am reluctant to admit I have few options. I must do what I think is best. I hope you will understand." Dumbledore said gravely.

"Of course, Headmaster," Snape said trying to suppress his apprehension. "May I ask you the courtesy of at least accepting my resignation? I do understand, however, if you need to fire me."

"I shall not accept your resignation, Severus. And whatever gave you the idea that I was firing you?"

Snape heard a knock on the door.

"Enter please," Dumbledore responded.

Snape was more than a little surprised to see Harry Potter walk in. Dumbledore, on the other hand, did not seem surprised at all. "Come in, Harry. Did you bring everything you need?"

"Yes, sir."

"Excellent. Please sit down."

As Harry sat, Dumbledore noticed that Snape did not spare Harry a glance.

Although Dumbledore addressed the two of them, his eyes were trained on Snape as he spoke, "I love both of you as sons. I thought that you two could work out your difficulties on your own. Clearly that hasn't happened. I am _dismayed_ that I have to do this, but as I explained to you earlier, Severus, you have forced my hand. I am confining you both down here together for the remainder of the Holidays."

Snape stood sharply. "I refuse! This is ludicrous," he bellowed.

Dumbledore stared back at him, "Did I say you had a choice in the matter, Severus? This situation is of your own doing," Dumbledore chided gently. "And, while you are here, I expect you both to make progress towards some resolution. The last time I checked, this involved speaking. I shall not interfere—" Snape huffed loudly at this. Dumbledore resumed, unfazed, "I shall not interfere any more than I already have. You know how to reach me if you wish to speak with me. And I expect you both at the Christmas feast the day after tomorrow – your one night out of the dungeons."

Neither Snape nor Harry said anything.

"Harry, would you mind waiting in the sitting room. I would like a moment alone with Professor Snape."

"Of course, Professor." Harry walked out, closing the door behind him.

Dumbledore waited for Snape to speak, and hardened himself a bit in preparation for the harsh words Severus was sure to throw at him. Instead, he found himself somewhat taken aback at Snape's reaction. He had expected annoyance, resentment, anger, but Snape eyes were wide with panic.

Snape spoke almost fearfully, "Albus, really! Surely you're not going to leave me alone with him? Not after what I did?"

"Why? What are you planning on doing, Severus?" Dumbledore asked thoughtfully.

"I…I could…I could…" Snape began frantically, unable to verbalize all the horrible things he could do.

"You would not!" Dumbledore said angrily, clearly overhearing the troubled man. "And you are beginning to exhaust my inexhaustible patience, Severus."

Snape had looked down at the floor, embarrassed by Dumbledore's admonishment. Dumbledore forced him to meet his eyes before saying: "I trust you _implicitly_, Severus. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Albus."

Dumbledore began heading for the door, but Snape arrested him with his thoughts, _Albus, I am truly sorry if my 'revelations' to Harry did, in any way, inspire him to doubt you. That was never my intention. _

Dumbledore walked over to Snape, put his hand on his shoulder and said, "I accept your apology wholeheartedly, my boy. Although it is not me to whom you should be apologizing – perhaps you should focus on expressing your regrets to Harry." Dumbledore paused for a brief moment and made sure he caught Snape's eye before continuing, "I realize that this is not going to be easy for you, Severus. I wish it were not so. Promise me you'll floo if you need anything. Take care of yourself, my dear boy."

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**A/N:** Please review. I really like this chapter...hope you do as well...

If you're thinking…"Oh no…it's over already! I'm so sad," Then go find more Snapeangst and Snape-Dumbledore interaction in my new story, Unexpected Grace. Give it a try! It won't bite I promise.

Thank you so much for all your reviews of the last chapter – the most ever! So happy…! You all are the best readers/reviewers! I thought you all might like that our wonderful Potions Master is not evil – or at least not yet….((evil laugh)).

So I came across something just the other day which really freaked me out. Imagine reading philosophy gobbledy-gook and suddenly coming across the phrase "constant vigilance." Well long story short: I believe that JKR has used philosophy to construct her characters (specifically Moody and Dumbledore...still searching for the others). See my forum for my full explanation of this. I look forward to your opinions.

Also go the forum to find my zany discussion of the insane _clues _I left you all in the two memories Snape shows Harry in Chapters 20 and 21 - clues that indicate that Snape was not evil at all! Some of you picked up on some of them already...

In the next chapter, _Happy Christmas, you rotten jerk_, Harry and Snape find themselves locked together (for their own good we all know! – but Snape doesn't). How does Harry feel being confined with this man he cares about but who also just two days earlier showed him some pretty horrible stuff and in a fit of rage threatened him with physical violence? And how is Snape coping with this new arrangement? And in the last part of the chapter, they leave the dungeons temporarily for the x-mas feast…oh what fun!

Also thanks for your patience with the slower updates…I am busy with interviews…

Please review.


	24. Happy Christmas, you rotten jerk

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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_**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 24: Happy Christmas, you rotten jerk**

_**(Day 1)**_

As Harry waited in the sitting room for Snape, he began to doubt his sanity for letting himself be a part of Dumbledore's ridiculous plan. He wondered exactly what Dumbledore and Snape were discussing at this very moment. He mused that Snape was most likely trying to get out of this arrangement with threats of violence, and Harry hoped that Dumbledore remembered to order Snape not to kill him – otherwise, he was unlikely to make it out alive from this 10 day stay.

Harry had mixed feelings about being in this room again. It was the place where he had felt so comfortable after his lessons, the place where he had gotten to know Severus – his habits, his quirks, and much more. But just a couple of days ago, he had seen a very different side of the man. After getting over his initial relief that Snape wasn't a monster, he was left with a great deal of anger and confusion. Dumbledore had tried to explain it all to him – insisting that Snape wasn't fully aware of his actions when he'd shown those things to Harry and made those threats. Harry was not convinced. Snape losing control? Not possible. But Dumbledore had persisted. Harry closed his eyes as his mind drifted back to the moment when the Headmaster had explained his crazy idea of having Harry stay with Snape in the dungeons for the rest of the Holidays.

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"No way," Harry said, with horror in his eyes.

"He would never hurt you, Harry," Dumbledore said simply.

A long silence stretched between them and Harry replied in a low voice, "I know that…but I don't think I can."

"He cares about you, Harry," Dumbledore continued.

"But then why would he do that to me?" Harry asked, finally verbalizing the burning question in his mind.

Dumbledore sighed deeply before responding, "Severus Snape is the bravest man I have ever known. But he is afraid, Harry. And he is in unimaginable pain."

And _that _Harry believed. Harry remembered the first time he had glimpsed Snape's pain – when he had opened the man's left shirt sleeve. His remembered wondering how such a simple gesture could produce such anguish. And of course, that was nothing compared to what was to come. Harry would never forget the horror-stricken look on his face when he deduced that Harry had dreamt about his rape. And then suddenly Harry recalled Snape's drunken reverie after canceling their lesson that time, and remembered that that was their first lesson after he returned from that second fateful meeting with Voldemort. And it made sense – Snape had avoided him for weeks afterwards, and barely spoke to him. He had stopped eating, bathing, and sleeping. And then there were the nightmares he had overheard. And of course, Harry could not forget the vision Dumbledore had shown him of Severus Snape besot with grief as he cried in Dumbledore's bed, so hopeless, so tortured, so utterly lost.

"It is asking a lot of you, Harry," Dumbledore continued, "and most importantly, I need you to know that this is _your _decision to make. I do not want to force you – you have been through quite an ordeal already. But…" Dumbledore paused for a moment, and appeared to be collecting himself. As the man spoke, Harry could hear his voice crack ever so slightly, "Severus has gone through so many terrible things, Harry. I can't even begin to tell you. And it's _my _fault that I didn't see sooner how important you were to him – and what impact it would have on Severus."

"I don't know what you mean," Harry said in confusion.

"You have to understand, Harry. All Severus has ever had to worry about is himself. Earlier in his life, that was a consequence of his upbringing – his mother died when he was young and afterwards he never really had anyone that truly cared about or loved him. And now as a man, he's chosen to remain isolated – his misanthropy has protected him from pain. And that changed so suddenly for him when you entered his life. On its own, your relationship was something very new and difficult for him. He could barely handle it. And then, on the heels of that…this past month has been filled with unspeakable horrors for Severus – each of which cruelly exploited his feelings for you."

Harry understood. Snape had been raped because he refused to deliver Harry to Voldemort and then Snape had been forced to convince Voldemort that he was a pedophile who deepest darkest desire was to rape Harry so that he could regain Voldemort's trust.

"If you choose to go through with this, Harry, I will confine Severus to his quarters for the remainder of the Holidays, but I shall spell the wards to let you out anytime you wish – should you feel unsafe and need to leave. Of course Severus won't know that."

Silence.

"Perhaps my child, you could try it…for 3 days time. Then you may leave if you still desire to," Dumbledore pleaded.

More silence.

Dumbledore was growing worried now.

"He needs you, Harry," Dumbledore said, his voice filled with unshakeable truth.

And suddenly in that moment, everything else was irrelevant to Harry. He knew he had to go.

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Now as Snape walked into the sitting room – everything about him announced that he was enraged to have Harry forced upon him in such a manner. Harry slowly looked up at him. Seeing Snape, being in this room with him again, Harry didn't know what to feel. Part of him wanted to rage at the man – scream, kick, hex, anything – to make him pay for the hell he'd put him through. Another part of him wanted to shrink in the corner in fear and anxiety. And another part wanted to throw his arms around him and tell him that he still loved him. As Snape opened his mouth to speak, the former won out at that moment – Harry could not bear to hear whatever nasty thing was about to leave Snape's mouth.

Harry almost spat at him, "This is Dumbledore's hair-brained idea remember, not mine! So if I hear one nasty word come out of your mouth right now, so help me, I'll hex you where you stand!" Harry lowered his eyes and began pretending to read his _Quidditch Monthly, _secretly hoping that Severus could not hear the loud beating of his heart.

Snape was stunned by Harry's outburst. He opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind and promptly left for his workroom.

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After reading his Quidditch magazine 10 times over, Harry moved onto his homework. By the end of the day, he had finished all of it. That was certainly a first – to be done with schoolwork before Christmas day! Now what was he supposed to do for the next 10 days? _This is going to be a long break! _Harry mused in frustration.

Snape broke the silence between them later that evening, with his usual charm, "Listen Potter…if we're going to be stuck here in this infernal arrangement, we should use this time productively. We will resume your lessons tomorrow and I expect you to work and not be difficult or I will set fire to the dungeons if need be to get the Headmaster to release me from this farce."

_Difficult? He has the gall to call me difficult!_

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With the exception of their lessons, Snape didn't speak to Harry at all over the next two days. And Harry decided he certainly wasn't going to speak to the man either if he was going to be so rude. Even when it came to their lessons, Snape had somehow figured out a way to minimize speaking. It was ridiculous. But, Harry supposed, it was back to business as usual between them.

One thing Harry couldn't help noticing, however, was that Snape was not looking very healthy. He barely ate the food the house elves brought him and kept cursing them every time they showed up with more food. They had nervously explained that they were simply following Dumbledore's orders. Snape had dark circles under his eyes, but it was also obvious from his temperament – which, up until now, Harry had thought couldn't have gotten worse – that the man hadn't slept well for days. Harry could empathize with that. Since their 'confrontation' of four days ago, Harry had started taking Dreamless Sleep Draught. The nightmares he had the two nights while staying in Dumbledore's quarters were enough to convince him to start taking it. Especially when Dumbledore had suggested he finish his Holidays confined with Snape.

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_**(Day 3)**  
_Harry woke up bright and early on the third day of his captivity to loud, insistent tapping. It was Christmas morning and the presents were beginning to arrive, by owl and by floo. By the time Snape had entered the sitting room that morning, looking all mussed up and in a foul mood, Harry was surrounded in presents. The floor was littered with wrapping paper, bows and ribbons and Harry couldn't help smiling at the first happy moment he had had in three days.

"Looks like you're dreadfully popular as always, Potter," Snape said snarkily.

Harry shot him a hateful look.

By the end of the morning, Harry took stock of what he had received. Hagrid had sent him treats and toys for Hedwig, who nipped playfully at him with approval. Mrs. Weasley had sent her normal Christmas sweater; this year's was white with a giant red H on the front. Ginny had sent Harry a pocket watch and Ron had sent him an assortment of trick devices from Zonko's. Fred and George had sent him a massive box of Christmas sweets; one in particular was labeled, 'take right before the Christmas feast.' Hermione had sent Harry two books – one describing what it takes to be a professional Quidditch player, the other a book on careers for wizards with extraordinary talents. Leave it to Hermione to worry about his future!

The day passed by rapidly. After finishing his reading, Harry ate himself full of sweets while playing with the gadgets Ron had sent and doing his best to ignore Snape's comments about his childish behavior.  
"It's Christmas for Merlin's sake! It's not my problem that you didn't get any presents," Harry said, but immediately regretted his harsh words.  
As if he was determined to be contradicted, a box came hurtling through the floo at that very moment. Snape examined the attached card carefully before opening it and Harry recognized it as Dumbledore's writing. Snape opened the box but despite craning his neck, Harry could not see what was inside. Snape stood there, staring at the contents for a long moment, apparently in absolute awe, before replacing the cover and taking the item into his bedroom.

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Later that evening, Harry left the dungeons the first minute he possibly could. He was desperate to spend some time away from Snape who was increasingly getting on his nerves. Here he was consigned to the dungeons with the man because Snape had gone ballistic on _him_, and Snape had the nerve to either ignore Harry completely or be a snarky bastard.  
Harry had donned his Weasley Christmas sweater and taken Fred and George's candy before making his way into the Great Hall. A look in the mirror caused him to laugh out loud. His hair had turned color in alternating stripes of red and green. He chatted with Hagrid for a long while before everyone arrived and took their seats. Harry sat directly across from Dumbledore who had Professor McGonagall on his left and Professor Snape on his right. On Harry's left was Hagrid. To Harry's right sat Madam Pomfrey, and Professors Flitwick, Sprout, Vector and Sinistra. All the other professors were away for the Holidays.

Dumbledore beamed at Harry's hair, "How festive you look, Harry! Perhaps I should do that to my beard."

"Merlin save me," Snape muttered under his breath.  
"What was that, Severus?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle.

"Nothing," he muttered. Suddenly remembering himself, Snape looked up at Dumbledore and spoke in a low, serious voice, "I…I wanted to thank you for the gift, Albus. I can't even begin to…it is…absolutely extraordinary," Snape said, clearly at a loss for words.

"My dear boy, I'm so very glad you like it," Dumbledore began. He lowered his voice a bit as well and added seriously, "Your gift was quite exceptional as well, Severus. I daresay you really outdid yourself this year."

Snape smiled at Dumbledore. Harry's mouth dropped open. Snape was actually smiling – a real smile! He had never seen his face look so…kind before.

"I'm pleased you like it, Albus," Snape said.

"You do have a knack for understatement, Severus," Dumbledore replied with a twinkle.

"I think you're confusing us, Albus. Understatement is your forte," Snape said in a highly amused tone and Dumbledore began to chuckle as Snape's smile grew even wider.

Harry wondered if he had missed something or if these two always spoke in code.

"You two are killing me with all this secrecy," McGonagall interrupted, "what are these _exceptionally extraordinary_ gifts you've gotten each other?"

"I don't believe that's any of your business, Minerva," Snape said. McGonagall huffed in reply.

Harry heard McGonagall whisper to Dumbledore, "It looks like your hair-brained scheme isn't working, Albus. The man's in a foul mood. I think you should release poor Mr. Potter from this ridiculous imprisonment – it's not right."

"Patience, my dear Minerva," Dumbledore whispered back, "they need to learn how to peacefully coexist." _And perhaps more than that_, Dumbledore thought, but decided he would keep that little piece of information to himself. It would not do to give his Deputy Headmistress a heart attack.

Midway through the main course, Dumbledore apparently noticed, as Harry had, that Snape was not eating. He spoke, "Severus, do you not like the food? You haven't even tried the stuffing."

"What? Oh…I'm not hungry."

McGonagall cast Snape a furtive glance and then looked at Harry, "Are you alright, Mr. Potter? I wouldn't want to hear that one of my Gryffindors was being mistreated. Is Severus feeding you?"

Snape scowled in McGonagall's direction. Harry replied, "Actually the house elves feed me, Professor, but I'm fine."

Ignoring Snape to the best of his ability, Harry turned his attentions to Hagrid. He thanked him for his gift and then presented the half-giant with an assortment of treats and toys for Fang.

"How beautiful…you both have extended gift giving to your pets now," Snape said mockingly.

But Hagrid didn't hear him and started crying at Harry's gift, bumped the table and spilt pumpkin juice all over the fuming Snape.

A moment later, Dobby popped up next to Harry, "Happy Christmas, Harry Potter. Dobby made your present himself."

Harry was not too surprised to find a multicolored knit scarf, which he placed around his neck promptly. Harry reached below his chair into his bag and pulled out a present for Dobby.

"Oh…Harry Potter is most generous with Dobby, sir," and the elf squealed with excitement at the goofy hat that Harry had bought for him and popped away.

Snape was glowering, "Presents for the elves too, Potter?"

Harry turned to him and began, his annoyance reflected in his tone as well as his words, "I wanted to give it to him. It made him happy, and making others happy makes me happy. But that would be a foreign idea to you, wouldn't it?"

Snape said nothing. McGonagall nearly choked with laughter.

"Professor McGonagall," Harry said, "I have something for you too. Well actually it's more for Gryffindor house but I think you'll like it." McGonagall was more than pleased with the album Harry had put together for her containing a chronicle of every single Gryffindor Quidditch victory since she had started school at Hogwarts.

"How wonderful, Mr. Potter! Look Severus…there's a picture of last year's overwhelming victory over Slytherin, 250-30! Ah, the memories…" she said with a satisfied smile. Snape looked very irritated. She added, "And I expect another page to be added very shortly, Mr. Potter."

"Of course, Professor."

"And to help you out I have something for you as well," McGonagall said and handed Harry a red box.

When Harry opened the box, he was surprised but happy to find new Quidditch gloves. He'd needed a new pair.

"Thanks Professor. They're great."

"Isn't this just so touching," Snape drawled sarcastically. "Gifts between a student and their Head of House – how utterly nauseating."

"You mean thoughtful, don't you, Severus? I can't help it if your Slytherins didn't get you anything."

Harry turned his attention finally to Dumbledore. "I got something for you as well, sir."

Like a small child, Dumbledore eagerly ripped open his present and a very wide smile appeared on his face as he held up three pairs of plain wool socks. "How lovely, Harry."

"They're not just regular socks, sir. They're self-cleaning and enchanted. Think about what kind of socks you'd like to be wearing at this moment." Suddenly Christmas holly and snowmen along with animated snowfall appeared all over the socks Dumbledore was holding.

"How marvelous!" Dumbledore said, clapping his hands together.

"It will show any image you'd like, just think it and it will appear…including plain if you want."

"I do not!" Dumbledore said, clearly appalled by the idea. "How very thoughtful of you, Harry. Ah, that reminds me, I did get something for you as well."

"Oh sir, you didn't have to."

"Of course I didn't. But I did," Dumbledore beamed.

Harry held back tears as he perused the item, an album full of pictures of James and Lily Potter during their Hogwarts years.

"I had the elves scour the records for everything they could find. It's not much I'm afraid."

"It's incredible, sir. Thank you so much."

"My pleasure, my boy. Now let's have some dessert."

Through dessert, Harry conversed amiably with Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid. Even though they weren't his family, he supposed that this was what it was like to have a family – exchanging gifts, eating dinner together. The idea appealed to him very much. He only wished that Severus would be part of it – he had remained completely silent through the rest of the meal.

After they had finished dessert, Harry looked up at Dumbledore and said, "Thank you so much Headmaster, for everything. This has been the best Christmas feast I've ever had."

Snape muttered mockingly, "How very sad for you, Potter."

Harry had had enough. He threw his silverware down on his plate with a loud clanging noise that made everyone stop their conversations and train their eyes on him. He pushed his chair back forcefully and stood up. "You're such a damned git, you know that!" he yelled at Snape. "It's no wonder you lock yourself in the dungeons all year – it's probably written into your contract."

Harry reached down behind his chair, pulled out his last wrapped parcel and flung it at the man.

"Happy Christmas, you rotten jerk!" Harry shouted before storming out of the Great Hall.

McGonagall and the rest of the faculty looked on in stunned shock at Harry's outburst. Dumbledore, on the other hand, continued eating his Christmas Pudding throughout and looked quite amused. Snape seemed shocked as well and said nothing.

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After the Feast, Harry had gone straight to bed, having forgotten to take his Dreamless Sleep Draught. He woke with a start and as he fumbled in his bags to find the potion, he wondered if had made any noise and woken Severus. Harry made his way to the man's bedroom door, but heard nothing. Then Harry felt the magical signature of the silencing charm Snape had cast. Harry stood by the door for many minutes before he reached for his wand and intermittently disabled the charm. He had to know.

He could hear what sounded to be a struggle going on in the bedroom. Snape was clearly tossing and turning violently in the bed. And then his voice, "My Lord please…NO…please don't…don't touch him…Harry!…please not Harry!" A throaty cry was followed a loud thud and then silence.

Realizing that Snape had probably fallen off his bed and awoken, Harry recast the silencing charm and went back to the couch. He wondered for a long time if he should knock on the door. But he knew that Severus would be livid if he found out that he had been spying on him – again! Harry had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach – Severus was having horrible dreams about him – and from the sound of it, he was trying to protect him. Some things never change, Harry mused. With a heavy heart, Harry took his Dreamless Sleep Draught and thought of Severus no more that night.

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**A/N:** Please review

Thank you all for your reviews of my last chapter. Glad that _most_ of you are not expecting miracles between these two. It would be highly OOC for SS to throw himself at Harry now...we'll see if they can manage not to kill each other instead. ;)

Big thanks once again to my amazing beta, Kelei...

Write a review!


	25. I promise you that you're safe

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 25: I promise you that you're safe**

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**_**(Day 4)**_

Looking worse than ever the next morning, Snape walked in gingerly holding the gift Harry had given him for Christmas. It was an extremely rare edition of Wladeslaw Renkewicz's treatise, _Potions in the Modern Age_. Renkewicz had influenced and taught nearly all the most prominent Potions Masters living today, including Snape's own Masters instructor Frederick Nützen. Snape could barely breath when he had opened the box.

"Look Potter…I'm not very good at these sorts of things. I just wanted to say…you shouldn't have wasted your money on me."

"You're right," Harry said. And then added with a grin, "You're not very good at this."

"Perhaps…" Snape began uncertainly, "perhaps you should let me buy it from you."

"That wouldn't make it a gift now would it?" Harry asked, delighted with Snape's discomfort. _Finally_, Harry thought, _at least I can unbalance the man by buying him expensive gifts_! "I want you to keep it. That's why I bought it for you."

Snape thought for a moment, looked down at the book and looked up at Harry. _How in the world did he know to get this for me? And how did he find it? _Putting those thoughts aside, he said sincerely, "It is extremely generous and…and thank you."

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_**(Day 5)**_

As Harry ate his breakfast, he studied the man seated across from him very carefully. Snape was wearing a dark green wool bathrobe over his grey nightshirt and was reading his newest potions journal. Harry thought it was some sort of strange progress that Snape finally felt comfortable enough to emerge from his bedroom in something other than his formal robes covering him from head to toe. But since they were living together for the time being, Harry mused that that might have just been resignation on Snape's part.

The man looked horrible again – the dark circles under his eyes were clearly worse. He seemed exhausted all the time. Although he was drinking tea, his breakfast remained untouched and Harry knew that he had taken barely more than a few bites at dinner last night. With the exception of yesterday's short conversation, in which Snape had thanked Harry for his gift, the pair hadn't had a single conversation since Harry had arrived in the dungeons four days ago. Harry decided that that was about to change.

"There's something I want to talk to you about, Severus," Harry began boldly.

Snape looked up with a fierce glare and snapped, "What did you just call me?"

"Severus. I called you Severus. That is your name."

"Listen Potter—"

Harry cut him off, "If I'm going to be stuck with you here, I'm calling you whatever I want. This isn't exactly the standard professor-student relationship. The last time I checked, when a student is locked up with a professor for the holidays with the express purpose of the two trying to get along, then they should be allowed to call each other by their first names. It would be nice if you could call me Harry, but I'll assume that that's too difficult for you," Harry said with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

Snape couldn't help but smirk at Harry's words. He could tell the boy was quaking in his disheveled pajamas even as he tried to be forceful.

"Your attempts at sarcasm are equal to your Potions skills, Potter," Snape drawled mockingly, folding his arms across his chest and casting his penetrating gaze on the boy.

Harry felt his heart speed up a bit – he hated the way Snape could so easily intimidate him – the fact that he was able to do so dressed only in his bathrobe made his fear all the more pathetic.

Harry did his best to mask his anxiety, albeit unsuccessfully as his voice betrayed his uncertainty as he spoke, "Just tell me something. Are you okay? You don't seem to be eating. You certainly don't look like you're sleeping. Are you having nightmares?" Harry asked tactfully, thinking it best not to reveal he had disabled Severus's silencing charm.

"What business is it of yours, Potter? You're my _roommate_," Snape spat at the word, "not my keeper."

"I'm worried about you, that's all."

"Well, you may stop worrying. It is none of your concern. You worry about yourself and I shall do the same." Snape stood up, "Lessons in one hour," he said and walked into his bedroom to get dressed.

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_**(Day 6)**_

Snape woke up the next morning feeling more rested than he had in weeks. He allowed himself the luxury of taking his own Dreamless Sleep Draught last night. Snape had completely reformulated the potion, devising one with significantly greater potency. The original, after all, was all but ineffective given the frequency with which he had once used it – one of the many consequences of being a Death Eater. Snape was still, however, working on eliminating the addictive properties of this improved version of the potion, and until he could do so, he could only chance to take it once a week.

Snape began making his way into his sitting room dressed only in his nightshirt, when he remembered that he was no longer alone and could not roam his quarters half-naked. Sighing in frustration, he moved towards his wardrobe and threw on his wool robe. As he did so, he couldn't help thinking about the unpleasant predicament he was in. Here he was, only half way through his forced captivity with Harry. The boy was making his life more miserable than it normally was. And it was all because of Albus Dumbledore. _He really can be the most insufferable old coot at times! _As Snape mused on how he would get Albus back for this ridiculous plot of his, Snape strode into the sitting room to find none other than the Headmaster himself seated on the coach next to Harry.

"What are you doing here?" Snape snapped.

Dumbledore smiled and replied, "Good morning. It's nice to see you too, Severus."

"My apologies, Headmaster," Snape began in a flustered tone. "I was…surprised to see you here. Please tell me you come bearing good news."

"Good news?" Dumbledore queried.

"Yes. Perhaps there is an urgent Potions crisis in Siberia that requires me to leave immediately. Or perhaps – although I confess it is less likely – you have come to your senses and have decided to release me from this charade."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "No, I'm afraid I have no news you would deem good then, Severus. I am here because Harry invited me for breakfast."

"Really?" Snape replied in a surprised tone, turning his attentions to Harry. "Why did you do that, Potter? Have you finally wizened up and called the Headmaster down in a desperate attempt for freedom?" Snape mocked.

Harry replied, "No, but if you continue to be as nasty as you have been, Severus, I might just swallow my pride and beg the Headmaster to let me out."

Snape looked annoyed as Dumbledore all but beamed at Harry's newly forming assertiveness with the man.

"Well I see you two are getting on better," Dumbledore said, his eyes positively sparkling now. "How are things going?"

"Hmpff!" Snape snorted.

"Well, sir, we haven't killed each other," Harry said.

"Yet!" Snape added, and moved over to his desk where he began perusing the newest issue of _Proceedings of the National Academy of Potions_.

Dumbledore looked intently at Harry – giving him the opportunity to speak. Harry was glad for the eye contact. _He's not really speaking with me, Professor, unless you count his insulting me during my lessons._

Dumbledore beamed with pride at Harry's ability to convey his thoughts, a large smile creeping onto his face, "Well done, Harry! I'm so pleased to see you're making progress."

Snape's head shot up, aware that he had missed something.

Dumbledore looked up at Snape and spoke, his eyes twinkling, "Compliments to a great teacher, no doubt."

Snape looked decidedly annoyed.

Dumbledore turned his gaze back to Harry, "Have you learned how to direct your thoughts yet, Harry? To send them to someone – me, let's say – and block out another – Severus, for example."

Aware that Severus was trying to intercept his thoughts, Harry took a deep breath and concentrated. _Severus, I was messing around in your workroom last night while you were sleeping._

No response came from Snape.

Dumbledore began laughing, clapping his hands together with glee, "Nicely done, Harry! That most certainly would have gotten his attention." Dumbledore glanced at Snape who by now was seething.

Harry felt Dumbledore's mind nudge his, and he heard Dumbledore's voice clearly in his mind. _Harry, tell me how Severus is doing._

Harry was grateful for the strong connection that Dumbledore had forged between them – this was not easy for him and there was something important he needed to say.

_He's not well, Professor. He seems sick – this is the best he's looked in days. He barely eats at all. And he doesn't really sleep either. He has horrible nightmares. I've tried to talk to him about it, but…he doesn't want to talk to me. _Harry stopped, not knowing what else to say.

Dumbledore's face was very serious now. He spoke directly to Harry again. _Harry, do you remember what I told you in my office during reading period? I told you that there is a time for patience, a time to wait._

Harry understood. Dumbledore was telling him not to force the issue. Harry reluctantly said, _I know, sir._

But Dumbledore continued, _Harry, that time has long passed. Now is the time for action. You need to talk to him and convince him to talk to you. Do not let him turn you away. You have five days, Harry. I hope you can make the most of them, my boy._

"Yes sir," Harry said, simultaneously burdened and relieved by Dumbledore's advice.

Snape interrupted, "Are you two quite through being rude?"

"Yes of course, Severus," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling maddeningly. "Now come over here and eat breakfast with us. You are looking rather thin, my dear boy."

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Later that evening, Harry watched as Snape carefully levitated the gold cauldron he'd been hovering over most of the day from his workroom onto his desk in the sitting room, apparently so that he could keep a closer eye on it. Harry had not shared a word with him since breakfast, and he decided to heed Dumbledore's advice head on and just try talking to him. Not knowing what to say, he chose something seemingly innocuous.

"What is that you're working on?" Harry asked, inclining his head towards the cauldron.

Snape lifted his head slowly from his reading and gave Harry a long appraising look, a smirk creeping onto his face. "Is boredom the culprit for your inane attempts to spark conversation between us? Because I doubt very much that you have taken up a sudden interest in potions."

The question caught Harry off guard for a moment, but he responded with a slight smile. "You got me. I'm bored. But it's also just weird sitting here all day with you and not talking."

Snape said nothing, and returned his eyes to his book.

A few minutes later, Harry tried again, asking something that had been on his mind all day, but as nonchalantly as he could manage, "You look better rested today, Severus. Did you finally get some sleep?"

"I thought we had a conversation about how that's none of your business, Potter," Snape replied.

"I was just wondering, that's all."

"Why? Are you perhaps looking for something better than that crap you've been taking?" Snape asked, his eyes glinting with amusement.

Harry was momentarily taken aback, but responded, "How did you know?"

Snape huffed, "I'm a Potions Master and a spy, Potter…I know everything."

"So you don't take Dreamless Sleep Draught then?"

"That hasn't worked for me in ages," Snape said and promptly returned back to his reading.

"Oh," Harry said, understanding.

Snape raised his head once more, and added in a helpful afterthought, "If you are taking it, Potter, be sure to restrict yourself to no more than 3 doses per week."

Harry gave a sheepish look.

"I take it you've been foolish enough to exceed that?" Snape asked.

"Yes."

"Then you should not take anymore for at least a week. How long have you been taking it?" Snape asked curiously.

"Hmm…the past 6 nights," Harry admitted and became suddenly flushed at his admission.

Snape masterfully hid his own discomfort at the honesty of Harry's answer and said, "If you fare badly over the next few nights, I can give you something for withdrawal. But you should try without it first."

"Alright, thanks."

Harry and Snape sat staring at each other for a long awkward moment. The silence between them was decidedly uncomfortable.

Snape interrupted with a loud annoyed voice, speaking almost to himself. "This situation is ridiculous. I can't believe I've let myself be subjected to Albus's crazy whims. What precisely is he trying to accomplish from this arrangement?"

"I think he wanted us to stop fighting. So that we can continue my lessons civilly."

"We can do that now, Potter."

"Really?" Harry asked disbelievingly. "The last time I asked you to continue my lessons you cast two Unforgivables on me!"

"Don't be so harsh," Snape scoffed. "At least I didn't use the third one," Snape said, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

Harry was stunned, "Are you joking with me?"

A faint, but definite grin had now appeared on Snape's face. "Perhaps. Did you think me incapable of that, Potter?"

Harry started to chuckle and decided to take advantage of the levity of the moment by introducing a more serious topic. "Listen, I was wondering if maybe later we could talk."

"_Talk_?" Snape said harshly, as if he was uttering a dirty word.

"Yes, talk."

"About?"

"About…" Harry said hesitantly, "…about…what happened."

Snape stiffened sharply in his chair, and said immediately, "I don't think so."

"We can't keep pretending nothing happened, Severus."

"Yes we can, Potter."

"Call me Harry."

"I think it's time for bed. It's late. I'll see you in the morning," Snape said, and swept into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Frustrated by his lack of progress, Harry prepared the couch for sleep.

**-**

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Snape put his book down. He'd been trying to fall asleep for hours now. It was quite late, or early, depending on how you looked at it. Insomnia or nightmares – sometimes he didn't know which was worse. Throwing on his robe he made his way silently into the sitting room to retrieve his bottle of scotch. As he turned to make his way back to the bedroom he spied Harry on the couch, tossing and turning quite violently, his mouth opening and closing as though he were speaking, although the room was completely quiet.

Snape made his way over towards the hearth and as he stepped past the barrier of the silencing charm, suddenly Harry's screams filled his ears, "Stop it please…stop!" He moved quickly to wake the boy, shaking his shoulders forcefully. Harry's eyes snapped open and noticed Snape's hovering form; he shouted, "Don't touch me…get away from me…" and began pounding his fists against the man's chest.

Unsure if Harry was awake, Snape snapped sharply, "Potter. It's me. You're having a nightmare. Wake up."

And then their eyes locked. Harry shrunk back in fear as those black eyes fixed unwaveringly on him.

Snape eyes quickly filled with surprise and then sorrow and shame as he recognized Harry's unmistakable fear. He took three rapid steps back.

"I'll…I'll leave you alone," Snape whispered hesitantly and began swiftly making his way back to the bedroom.

Harry stifled his sobs and fought hard to control his emotions. Snape was moving away from him – it was simultaneously relieving and frightening. Harry wasn't sure which he felt more, just that he knew he didn't want to be alone in that moment.

"Please don't leave me," Harry managed through a choked sob.

Snape stopped dead in his tracks and remained motionless for a long moment, apparently considering Harry's words carefully. A second later he walked to the other side of the room, retrieved a vial and presented it to Harry.

"Drink this. It's a calming draught."

Harry drank the potion down without a second thought, and spoke again, "Will you stay with me? Please."

Snape paused only for a moment and then nodded. Using his wand, he moved his armchair adjacent to the couch on which Harry lay and sat down next to him. Snape kept his eyes fixed straight ahead – he could not bear to look at Harry, to see that fearful look in his eyes again. Tentatively, he offered his hand to the young man, who grabbed it like it was a lifeline, placing it on his chest and holding it with both his arms.

"Go to sleep now. You're safe…" Snape said, fighting hard to keep his voice steady. "I promise you that you're safe."

Snape was still carefully avoiding Harry's gaze. He felt ridiculous sitting there next to him – speaking even more ridiculous promises to the boy. Like shoving someone to the floor and then helping them back up – one should not expect a thank you, but a slap in the face. **_He_** had done this and no words could undo it. Words like '_promise_' and '_safe_' – what could they possibly mean to Harry now?

As Harry lay there, the calming draught coursing through his veins, and Snape's warm hand planted on his chest, he found it strangely easy to forget his nightmare. Severus was close by, and he would keep him safe.

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**A/N:** Please review.

Thank you all for your reviews. And from so many new people!  
Thank you, of course, to my beta Kelei for all her efforts. Be nice and thank her by reading her stories and submitting a review.

Also...since everyone seems to be very interested in this --- you all now know what Harry got Severus for Christmas. I promise to reveal what Albus got Severus as well although not quite yet. As for what Severus got Albus - that is not in my story - although I would be interested in hearing what you think he might have gotten him. I could always use a really amazing present for Severus to give Albus for his birthday or something in my other story. And you shall gets kudos in my A/N!

I hope you are enjoying my attempts at subtle humor infused with serious stuff. I find Harry's attempts at growing a backbone hysterical myself. Please continue to read and don't forget to tell me what you like about each chapter (or don't like if that is the case!)

In the next chapter, "Don't tell me you're fine," Snape - who never wants to talk about anything - wants Harry to tell him about his nightmare. Harry refuses.

Please review.


	26. Don't tell me you're fine

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 26: Don't tell me you're fine**

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_**(Day 7)**_

When Harry woke the next morning, Snape was still in the armchair by his side, just as he had promised. Harry watched him for a long time. Snape's brow was furrowed and his lips were tightly pursed as though he were tasting something unpleasant – even in his sleep the man looked pained. Harry mused that perhaps it was the discomfort of the chair, but then noticed that Snape's feet were propped up on a plush ottoman the man had obviously conjured.

A few minutes later, Snape began to stir and Harry pretended that he had just woken up as well. Snape turned his eyes towards the couch, meeting Harry's gaze, and the two stared at each other silently in a decidedly awkward moment. Harry wanted to express his gratitude to the man for staying with him despite the obvious discomfort it had caused him – both physical and mental. But Harry knew that that would only make Severus feel more self-conscious than he already did, and so he cleverly diffused the uncomfortable silence between them with as much sarcasm as he could muster – sarcasm that belied the seriousness of his words.

"You stayed. Whatever happened to each of us worrying about ourselves? Or do your arbitrary rules not apply to you?"

"You're becoming quite the snarky little brat, I see," Snape commented evenly.

"Thanks to you. I thought I cast a silencing charm last night. How did you know?" Harry asked.

"I needed some scotch desperately," Snape admitted. "Speaking of…" he began, glancing over at the clock, "Is 7 too early to start drinking?"

"I think so," Harry said.

"Pity. I'll have to wait another hour then. I came in here and I saw you flailing your arms and presumably screaming your head off." Snape paused and studied Harry carefully. Harry had trained his gaze down at his hands and he was twiddling his thumbs like an infant. If Snape hadn't already known what the nightmare was about, he certainly knew now.

"I think you should talk about it," Snape suggested.

"No," Harry said a bit too forcefully, a horrified look in his eyes.

"Perhaps I should rephrase," Snape began, quashing his own discomfort. "I think you should speak to the Headmaster about it. I'm sure he would permit you to floo to his quarters."

"No," Harry said simply, still not daring to look Snape in the eyes. He was sick of discussing this dream with Dumbledore anyway. Snape didn't realize that this had been one of the many exhaustive topics of conversation he had had with the Headmaster during his two-day stay in his quarters.

Snape gave Harry a harsh look. "Why not?"

"It's nothing."

"Is that so?" Snape asked disbelievingly.

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you," Snape said firmly.

"You wouldn't," Harry said with annoyance.

"If you're fine, then tell me what it was about," Snape challenged.

"I …I…."

"Or perhaps a little Occlumency lesson is in order," Snape taunted. "Not that I need it to figure it out – it's written all over your face."

Harry suppressed the rising panic at the idea of having Snape invade his mind at this moment. He shot his head up and raised his voice as he spoke, "You can't hold me accountable for my nightmares!"

"I don't," Snape said, and turned his head to look away. His next words were spoken barely above a whisper, and Harry struggled to catch them. "I hold myself accountable."

"You shouldn't," Harry said gently.

Harry studied Snape's face. The man clearly looked upset. _Damn it! I didn't want him to know about these nightmares._

"It's no big deal," Harry added.

Snape was getting angry now. Anger always came easier to him, and certainly felt better than guilt. _He's a damn liar, Severus. _

"You're a bloody liar, Potter!"

"I'm fine," Harry said forcefully, mustering up a more convincing tone. "Really I am."

Snape was incensed. _Doesn't he know that I know? Do I need to spell it out for the boy?_

"Damn you, Potter!" Snape shouted, "You're having nightmares about me raping you and Dumbledore is mad enough to lock you down here with me! So DON'T tell me that it's not my fault! And for Merlin's sake, DON'T you dare tell me that you're fine!"

The force and truth behind Snape's assertions was a reality he could not deny – Harry could almost feel Snape's chilling words trickling down his spine like ice water. Embarrassed by Snape's shrewdness, Harry muttered under his breath, "They're not all like that."

"Is that so?" Snape sneered. "Are the others more pleasant? Perhaps I'm handing you over to the Dark Lord so that _He_ can have his way with you?"

_Damn he knows everything! _Harry thought."I…I…"

Snape interrupted, spitting forcefully, "Don't you open your damned mouth to tell me you're fine again! Don't you dare lie to me!"

Snape was seething now and that familiar dark flicker of rage was burning wildly in his eyes. Harry masked his fear as best he could. If he _was_ going to be honest with the man, as Snape was demanding, he would have asked him to take a few steps away from him – but Harry was well aware that that action would only add to the man's already crushing guilt. Harry gulped, trying to swallow the lump of anxiety that was pressing against his throat as he fought the urge to move away. He reminded himself that Snape wasn't going to hurt him, he was just losing himself to his anger again. He took a deep breath and prepared a steely response.

"Fine. I'm NOT fine. You don't want lies. Okay. But then don't lie to me either. Be brave enough to admit the same thing."

"What are you going on about?"

"Are you fine?" Harry asked pointedly.

"This isn't about me, Potter."

Now it was Harry's turn to get angry, "Bullshit it isn't! You're not sleeping at all. My nightmares don't compare to yours. It's been…what…5 days with me. I've missed one or two nights of sleep, big deal! Maybe I'm not fine this second, but I'm _going _to be okay." _Time to dig in Harry. Time to confront and push, just like Dumbledore said_. "I'm going to be okay because…because I know what's real. I actually know that you're not going to hand me over to Voldemort and that you're not going to rape me." Harry took a deep breath. "But you…you don't know the truth. You think you're that monster and you think you deserve these nightmares."

"Don't you DARE bring that up with me!" Snape spat in fury.

Harry replied angrily, "So I'm supposed to talk about it, but you don't have to? How are you ever supposed to get past this, Severus, if you don't talk about what happened?"

_Get past it. Get PAST it! That arrogant little whelp has to nerve to tell me to get past it!_ As if he hadn't tried. As if he hadn't buried the memories deeper in his mind than any ever before. Snape was superb Occlumens and had never had such difficulty ignoring painful memories in the past, and he certainly had plenty of experience doing that. But these memories had somehow taken on a life of their own. They had a control over him that he didn't understand. They would surface at the most inopportune times – sometimes at meals, sometimes in class – although he had managed to gain a tighter reign over them in those instances. But they were wholly uncontrollable around Harry. At times, he could barely look at the boy without thinking about what had happened. And that crazy old coot had locked Harry in his quarters! And all so that they would form some sort of tentative friendship. _If he only knew what hell he's putting me through._

In his periphery, Snape noticed Harry staring at him intently. Harry. Here. In his rooms…stretched out on his couch in ill-fitting pajamas. Harry telling him to talk about what happened. About what happened. Snape trembled involuntary as the memory flooded into the forefront of his mind. He could feel that sick breath in his ear, he could almost feel that bony hand in between his legs, and could hear that cruel voice whispering to him. _'Tell me Severus.'_ And then hissing, _'I enjoyed that very much Severus,' _and _'Oh, Severusssss,' _and then…a different voice. _'Severus.'_ Louder still.

"Severus!"

Snape jerked sharply as that voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he was vaguely aware of a very worried and anxious looking Harry Potter staring at him.

Harry had been trying to get Severus's attention for some time now. He was disconcerted by Severus's unresponsiveness and was conscious of the fact that Severus had apparently been lost deep in his thoughts for a few long minutes. The man's anger had rapidly faded and his eyes had become distant as his face contorted in pain. Clearly he wasn't ready to be having this conversation.

"I'm sorry, Severus," Harry said gently.

Harry's soft apology caused Snape to wince. The last thing he wanted now was Harry's pity. Harry could tell that the man was itching to leave the room and he felt indescribably bad that he hadn't held his tongue earlier.

"Forget what I said before. Forget I said anything," Harry said desperately. "Do you want some breakfast?" he asked, trying not so subtlety to change the subject.

Snape said nothing. _Scotch, I want scotch. Or better yet, Draught of Living Death._

Harry was at a loss. He mused about how quickly things had turned. Just moments ago Snape was worried about him and expressing his concern the only way he knew how, by shouting in anger borne from his frustration and self-loathing. And now it was Harry's turn to be worried about Snape; the man was terribly quiet and it was unsettling. Harry would have given anything to have Severus yelling at him again, insulting him, saying something – just to know that the man was alright. Not knowing what to say, he snapped his fingers and Dobby appeared at his side.

Harry ordered food and tea, hoping that breakfast would snap Severus out of the unsettling stupor he had placed him in. When the food arrived he asked Severus what he wanted – 'Eggs?' 'Bacon?' 'Toast?' But Severus said nothing. Harry sighed and thought perhaps he might try something lighter on his stomach.

Harry held a bowl out to the still quiet man and said, "Have some porridge, Severus."

"I don't want any fucking porridge," Snape snapped.

Despite the harshness of the words, Harry couldn't help but feel relieved at hearing the man speak to him again.

A short pause.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Harry asked awkwardly.

A mumbled, "A bit."

"Your nightmares, Severus," Harry began tentatively, "…how long have they been going on for?"

No answer.

"The whole month?" Harry asked.

No answer, but an imperceptible nod.

"How many nights do you actually sleep without nightmares?"

Once again, Snape remained silent. But his silence served as Harry's answer. Harry had known things were bad, but despite himself, he was stunned. _Every night? How on earth is the man still functioning?_

"I'm really worried about you, Severus. You've lost so much weight and you're not sleeping and there has to be some solution—"

"There is none," Snape said simply.

"There's nothing you can take?"

"You've the gall to ask a Potions Master that? Once a week is the most I dare. It's the damn wormwood in the potion. If I could just eliminate it…" Snape paused for a moment, and then began muttering to himself, caught up in his own train of thought, "Perhaps the problem is not the wormwood, but lies in its reaction with the cactus root. It may be that the wormwood is serving as a catalyst to facilitate the root's oxidation and causes the—"

"Are you trying to bore me to death or just change the topic of conversation?" Harry interrupted, relieved that the conversation had taken a more light-hearted tone. "Let me propose something. Hear me out, after all I have some experience with nightmares and all, courtesy of Voldemort…"

Snape winced sharply and slammed his hand on the coffee table, shouting, "Potter!"

"I'm sorry, I forgot. I was saying that I have some experience because of _him_…and it helps a lot to have someone there for you when you wake up from a nightmare."

"You're volunteering to baby-sit me? Ridiculous. I'm not a child," Snape said in annoyance.

"I know that, but yes damn it, I'm volunteering. I'm stuck down here in the dungeons anyhow. What difference does it make what room I'm in? And besides, it also sometimes helps just sleeping next to a warm body. And if you have a nightmare, I'll be there. I know what it's like to wake up alone. Why don't you let me stay with you tonight?" Harry said, adding quickly, "Nothing untoward, of course. Just sleep."

Harry's proposal certainly got Snape's attention, but not in the way he wanted. Snape shot straight up in his armchair, and said, "That is absolutely out of the question."

"Why?"

"You know why, Potter. It's completely inappropriate," Snape said firmly.

Losing his patience, Harry snapped, "Will you bloody well stop calling me Potter! And why can't you ever say yes to anything? Everything has to be a fight with you. Damn it, sometimes I really _hate_ you, you know that?"

Snape glared at Harry, "Well then maybe you should call the Headmaster and find a way to get yourself out of here. For both our sakes."

"I might just do that," Harry fumed back.

"Please do," Snape said and stormed off to his bedroom.

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**A/N:** Please review. I know this is a bit shorter than my average chapter, but I don't write with a specific length in mind. I write large chunks of the story and then I decide where the best breaks occur - so don't dwell on the length please. I estimate this story is going to be about 175 pages single-spaced when completed (32 chapters). And to think that I started writing this thing initially as a one-shot. Given this and my second story which also started out as a one-shot, I am forced to admit that I obviously am incapable of writing them. Glad someone out there likes novel-length fics.

Thanks always to my wonderful beta Kelei...and of course to all my faithful reviewers!

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter...and the tension between the pair. And finally in the crucial moment...it is _Harry _who loses his cool and patience with Severus. But can he regroup?

In the next chapter, "It didn't even come close," Harry works hard at finding a way to convince Severus to sleep with him. I wish him luck. We also get some insight into how debilitating our poor Potions Master's nightmares have been...

Please review!


	27. It didn't even come close

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 27: It didn't even come close**

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_(Day 7)_**

After their argument, Snape didn't say another word to Harry all day and Harry felt rather guilty about his behavior. For once he had been the one to overreact and lose his temper. Severus was clearly suffering and he had snapped at him and told him he hated him. Harry told himself that he shouldn't have been surprised by Severus's refusal to sleep together. Harry had just been so frustrated that the man he had once been intimate with could not stand the idea of now being in bed with him – even under completely platonic circumstances. But, after having spent the better part of the day thinking it through, Harry realized how rational, in fact, Severus's reaction had been.

Severus had been through an unimaginable ordeal that had taken advantage of their already precarious relationship. And now Dumbledore had thrown them together in this unsettling arrangement that forced not only their coexistence, but had also made Severus aware of Harry's nightmares – nightmares he was responsible for, nightmares that had strained their already volatile rapport. Harry couldn't imagine how difficult this must be for Severus and wondered if perhaps there was a way he could make things easier on the already overwhelmed man.

Having finished his reading for the day, Harry interrupted Severus's work. "Severus, can I use your lab to make a potion?"

Snape raised his eyebrows in obvious surprise, "Are you trying to get out of this arrangement by giving me a heart attack, Potter? Because you very nearly succeeded," Snape said dryly. "What potion?"

"I'd rather not say…it's a surprise."

"You expect me to let you brew anything you want. How daft do you think I am?"

"It's not dangerous."

"What's the base?" Snape asked.

"Belladonna leaf and mandrake root."

Snape furrowed his brow; both plants were poisonous in only moderate amounts. "Do you actually suppose that that base inspires my confidence or do you really have no idea what poison you're concocting?"

"Uhmm…" Harry replied in confusion and then began shuffling through his notes, hoping to find the answer there.

Snape sighed at how pitiful the boy could be at times, and asked helpfully, "How many milligrams of belladonna does your base require?"

"Uhmm…" More shuffling. "Just under five."

Snape did a quick calculation in his head, and assuring himself that no dangerous potions could be made at that concentration, he replied, "Go ahead."

This time Harry could not conceal the surprise on his face.

"Ahh… so you _were _jesting with me, Potter."

"No, I was serious. I just didn't think you would let me."

"Well I suppose I'm just full of surprises today then," Snape drawled.

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Two hours later, Snape made his way into his workroom to find Harry bent over a simmering cauldron. Harry called out to him sharply, "Don't come any closer."

But from across the room, Snape's eyes widened when the faintest whiff of what Harry was brewing hit his nostrils. "Of all the insolent things…"

"What?"

Snape shouted in growing fury, "You're making an aphrodisiac, you little arse!"

"No, I'm not," Harry denied.

"That's what's in your cauldron right now – belladonna leaf, mandrake root, nettle leaves, yarrow root and wood rose. What were you planning? To slip some into my drink as some sort of sick joke?" Snape's eyes widened in horror as another possibility occurred to him, "Or perhaps you were planning on calling it to the Headmaster's attention after your little trick, so that he could excuse you from my _perverted _influence."

Harry picked up his notebook and hurled it at Snape, "You're the arse, Severus!"

As Snape turned on his heel and began making his way to the door, Harry called out sharply, "Don't you walk out on me!" Seeing that Severus was still walking away, he shouted frantically, "I'm making an anti-aphrodisiac."

Snape stopped abruptly. "Oh." The two potions were made almost exactly the same way. "What the devil for?"

"For tonight. So I can sleep with you. And before you say anything…if you don't want to do it for yourself, then please do it for me. After you sat down next to me last night, I actually slept, without any more nightmares. Please, Severus…" Harry added desperately, "I don't want to be alone."

Snape said nothing.

Harry continued, "And if you say no that means I went through all this trouble for nothing. And making potions isn't exactly my idea of fun, as you well know."

"And this potion is for?" Snape asked hesitantly.

Harry looked a bit uneasy as he replied slowly, "I'd just be more comfortable if…"

"Ahhh…if I took it," Snape said with some vexation, "I see."

"No," Harry corrected, "if _I_ took it."

"You?"

"Yes, I just thought you wouldn't let me stay without it and this way there is no question about my intentions. I wanted them to be absolutely clear."

"I see," Snape said in a carefully toneless voice.

It wasn't that Snape had been hoping something might happen between him and Harry – on the contrary, the idea was wholly overwhelming and quite frankly, frightening. But he couldn't help feeling some sense of bereavement at Harry's words – words that cemented the end of their relationship, that reminded him that things could never be the same again.

"Are you done being mad at me because I need your help with these last steps, otherwise I'm going to end up with the exact opposite of what I'm trying to make. This is so confusing," Harry said, crinkling his brow in frustration.

Snape cast Harry an amused look and made his way over to the cauldron, muttering, "Perhaps if you had been paying attention at any point last year, it wouldn't be." Then he added in his professorial tone, "Now tell me, Mr. Potter, why is it that anti-aphrodisiacs are made by initially brewing an aphrodisiac?"

Harry's eyes widened in desperation, "Oh no! You're going to turn this into a lesson, aren't you?"

"But of course," Snape drawled, an amused smirk on his lips.

Harry consulted his notes for a long moment, and then replied, "Because there is no anti-aphrodisiac agonist. So you need to make the aphrodisiac agonist first so you can prepare its antagonist, which then serves as the anti-aphrodisiac." Harry let out a long breath, clearly indicating the level of concentration required of him.

A flicker of amusement entered Snape's eyes and he said, "It seems that you are not completely without hope when you actually put that mind of yours to some use."

Harry smiled. He could tell Severus was impressed with him.

A moment later, Snape added, "Now, explain all of that again…in your own words this time. And watch the way you're cutting up that root!"

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A few hours later the potion was completed. Despite the fact that Harry was actually learning quite a bit from his one-on-one Potions lesson, as it had become, he found that he was actually enjoying himself. Severus's passion and excitement for Potions, even for something relatively mundane for a man of his skills, had distracted him from the reason Harry was brewing it in the first place.

And somehow, the fact that Snape was helping Harry with the potion served as his silent assent to Harry's plan to stay with him that night. Why he had agreed he did not know. Snape told himself it was for Harry. And maybe it was in part, but really it was for him. Not for the nightmares – he did not expect those to get any better. But Snape found some small measure of forgiveness in the fact that Harry was willing to sleep with him after what had happened between them, especially given Harry's own recurring nightmares.

"When should I take the potion?" Harry asked.

"It lasts for 24 hours, so you may as well take it now."

"How much?"

"15 milliliters should be more than enough," Snape said, handing Harry a tablespoon.

"Are you quite sure?" Harry asked mischievously

"Behave yourself," Snape said lightly.

Harry gulped the potion and started coughing violently.

"Not very pleasant, is it?" Snape asked. Snape then took a shot of the potion as well. Staring into Harry's surprised eyes, Snape said, "I think it's only fair that I do the same. After all, I wouldn't want you to worry—"

Harry prevented Snape from finishing that statement by placing his hand on the other man's arm. "Stop it. I was never worried."

-

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The last (and first) time Harry had been in this bedroom was under much less pleasant circumstances – horrible ones in fact. But still, standing in the middle of Severus Snape's bedroom in his pajamas was decidedly awkward.

Snape, apparently noticing Harry's discomfort, couldn't suppress a grin and said, "You need not stand in the middle of the room, Potter. You may lie down if you wish."

As Harry made his way to the oversized bed, he noticed several potion vials and a bottle of scotch lying on the bedside table next to what was clearly Snape's side of the bed. Also lying there was a gold ring with a red-stone that seemed out of place in this comfortable yet unornamented room. Harry was about to ask about it when Snape began extinguishing the room's candles with a wave of his hand.

Harry stopped him before he snuffed out the last, "Can you leave that one?" Harry asked, and winced inwardly at how infantile he sounded.

"Surely."

As Snape moved towards the bed, it was his turn to feel ill-at-ease. He squashed the feeling, climbed under the sheets, and said a silent thank you for having bought such a large piece of furniture.

As the two men lay on opposite sides of the bed, with about three feet of space separating them, both their gazes were trained intently on the ceiling.

Harry interrupted the long silence that passed between them, "Damn I miss that Draught. How are we supposed to fall asleep exactly?"

"Eager for more pleasant dreams, are we?" Snape asked.

"They're not all like you think, you know. The one I had before, which you didn't walk in on, I dreamt that _he_ had you and he was going to kill you and I couldn't save you."

"Have you become that attached to me?" Snape asked as sarcastically as he could muster, intentionally belying the seriousness of his question.

"More than that," Harry replied honestly.

Snape fidgeted a bit, uncomfortable with Harry's answer. What on earth did that even mean, Snape wondered. _It doesn't matter, Severus. Tell the boy to move on._

"You know, once the term starts, you should to start dating. Merlin knows you've been cooped up in the dungeons for too long."

"You're giving me dating advice now?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Not advice per se. Even I know my limitations," Snape replied, then adding, "And don't take it to mean that I'm making assumptions about your attachment to me."

"Of course not," Harry said with sarcasm.

"Brat. I just think it would be wise for you to get out a bit. A boy your age – you should be having sex as frequently as you can manage."

"Sounds good," Harry said with a smile on his face.

"Hmff."

"So do you have any suggestions?" Harry asked playfully. He was beginning to enjoy this conversation.

"What?"

"Suggestions…about who I should go after? I mean, if you had your pick."

"Potter!"

"Sorry. I meant hypothetically…if you were a student here. Don't take offense. I won't say anything."

Snape thought for a moment before speaking. "Well, I would say that dashing boy from Ravenclaw, Geoffrey, stands out." _Why are you letting him lead this conversation, Severus?_

"Is that so?" Harry asked mischievously. _Oh, this is just **too **good!_

"Not for me, you idiot. You should ask him out."

Harry could barely contain his excitement. He spoke as nonchalantly as he could, "Been there, done that."

"Is that so?" Snape asked with legitimate surprise.

"Yup."

"And precisely when was this?" Snape asked. There was a tinge of something in his voice. Harry was straining with all his might to interpret it as jealousy.

"After we…ended, I took your advice about finding an outlet for my adolescent hormones, as you put it."

"I see." _Damn it, Severus, you sound like a jealous schoolboy._

And this time Harry heard it.

"We didn't do much at all, Severus," Harry was quick to explain.

"I didn't ask if you did. It is none of my business."

_It is your business_, Harry thought. "Maybe, but I want you to know. I kissed him and he kissed me. And he tried to do more, but I stopped him." A few moments later, Harry added, "Aren't you going to ask me why I did it?"

"Because you were horny, no doubt."

"No. Because I needed to know."

"Know if you like men?" Snape asked.

"I already knew that. I needed to know what it was like…with someone else."

Silence.

Harry continued, "And it didn't even compare. It didn't even come close." A few moments later, Harry rolled over on his side and said, "Goodnight, Severus."

-

-

Harry had just fallen asleep when he felt Snape jerking wildly beside him. Harry sat up and placed his hand gently on the man's shoulder, attempting to rouse him. Snape bolted up in the bed, wand in hand and sent a bolt of fire in Harry's direction. Harry managed to duck to the side in time and looked wide-eyed at the now scorched door jam. Harry averted his gaze back to Snape who appeared equally as confused.

"Severus, put down your wand," Harry said calmly, not sure if Snape was still half-asleep or not.

The man looked down at the wand in his hand and reluctantly put the wand down, releasing it from his grip. He heard Harry breath a sigh of relief.

Harry snapped at him, "You might have told me that you sleep with your wand under your pillow!"

"Doesn't everybody?" Snape asked seriously.

"No they don't! My God, you nearly killed me!" Harry shouted.

"Stop being so dramatic – I might have singed your hair a bit, that's all."

Harry rolled his eyes, but he couldn't keep the smile off his face.

-

-

The fourth time Harry was jolted awake by Snape's screaming, it took Harry nearly a full minute to wake the man up. He was kicking and flailing in the bed, and his body was twitching violently, almost as though he were undergoing the Cruciatus curse. After finally managing to rouse him, Harry reached over and placed his hand on Snape's arm, in an attempt to sooth the man back to sleep. He was astonished to find that Snape was trembling uncontrollably.

"Dear Merlin, Severus, is this what it's been like every night? No wonder you look so horrible."

Between his hitching breaths, Snape managed, "Thanks. And no, not every night."

Somehow Harry understood, "This past week then – since I've been here? It's gotten worse, hasn't it?"

No answer. A long silence stretched between them.

"I don't believe this sleeping together solution of yours is working," Snape said flatly.

"Well, it's working for me. No nightmares – you're not giving me a chance to properly fall asleep," Harry replied.

"Maybe you should go then."

Harry spoke quickly, not wanting Snape to get the wrong idea, "No. I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be funny."

"Oh…is that what that was?" Snape asked dryly.

"Seriously, do you want me to go? Am I making it worse by being here?" Harry asked.

A long pause and then a reluctant whisper, "You're not making it worse."

Snape voice was soft, so needy, Harry couldn't resist. Lying back down, he took Snape into his arms, pressing his chest against Snape's back, and held him as tightly as he could. Snape's trembling stilled abruptly. He was clearly startled by the contact, but he remained silent, and soon thereafter was asleep again.

Harry was surprised to note that at this very moment he was indescribably glad that he had brewed and taken that potion. He had done it for Severus, but now, lying here in bed with him, he realized how nice it was to be able to hold this man, smell him, be so close to him without the pressure or distraction of sex looming over him. With a deep feeling of contentment in his chest, Harry found himself dozing off as well.

-

-

Over the next few hours while lying awake in between Snape's episodes, Harry had a sudden revelation. Thinking about the severity of Severus's nightmares he suddenly remembered something he had overheard Madam Pomfrey telling the Headmaster while he lay in the hospital wing at the end of his fourth year recovering from one of the most harrowing experiences of his life, Voldemort's resurrection. She was discussing his nightmares with the Headmaster and mentioned something that they should watch out for. He didn't know what she was referring to at the time, but he had later asked Hermione, who always seemed to know a little bit about everything, and she had explained it to him.

And now, thinking back on the sketchy details, everything seemed to fall into place for him. He didn't understand why it hadn't occurred to him before. Well he knew why…it was because it was Snape. He got up from the bed as quietly as he could, wrote Hermione a note and sent it with Hedwig. He hoped she'd be back in the morning with his answer.

-

-

The next two nightmares were particularly bad. Snape woke himself up with his own screaming and once awake, he was shivering uncontrollably, completely soaked in a cold sweat. Each time, Harry dried him off with a quick spell, warmed his nightshirt and then snuggled up behind him.

Snape found himself clinging desperately to the solid warmth pressed up around him. It was a new feeling to have someone there after his nightmares – and it was strangely comforting. And in a bizarre way, the fact that it was Harry made it even better.

-

_-_

_**(Day 8)**_

When Snape made his way into the sitting room the following morning, he found Harry had already ordered breakfast and tea for the both of them. Snape plopped into his armchair, exhausted from the night's ordeal. Even though he hadn't gotten any more sleep than usual, he found that Harry had been right about the calming effects of having someone else there in between his nightmares. The pair chatted quite amicably over breakfast and Snape noticed a smile on Harry's face.

"What, pray tell, is so amusing?" Snape asked.

"I don't believe we've ever spoken this long without insulting each other."

Snape forced himself to take a bite of his biscuit and said dryly, but with clear amusement in his eyes, "The morning is still young."

A moment later, Hedwig flew in and landed on Harry's thigh. Harry reached over and untied the small piece of parchment from her leg, and petted her head as he began to unfold it.

"What's that?" Snape asked.

"Oh nothing," Harry said nonchalantly. "Just a note from Hermione asking how I am."

"Does she know?" Snape asked.

Harry lifted his eyes from the paper with wide eyes before realizing that Snape was asking an entirely different question.

"Oh you mean about me being in the dungeons? No."

"Well, I don't suppose she would," Snape said and made his way to the bedroom to get dressed.

Harry returned his attention to the paper.

'Harry, here is the information you requested. I hope everything is all right. Hermione.'

Harry continued to read: 'Post-traumatic stress disorder occurs after a traumatic or shocking experience.' _Well that certainly fits_, Harry thought. Snape had had two, but it seemed that the bizarre changes in the man's behavior had begun after the second encounter with Voldemort. Perhaps after the first ordeal, the second had pushed him over the edge.

Harry began reading the list of symptoms, and everything seemed to fit: changes in eating and sleeping habits, nightmares (_oh my, yes, _Harry mused), flashbacks (which would explain Severus's suddenly distant, dazed behavior at times), irrational avoidance of the trigger object (_that would be me_, Harry thought, _and is definitely true_), irritability (_how can you tell?_ Harry wondered), emotional numbness (_also impossible to tell_), drug or alcohol abuse (_hmm…_), denial (_no doubt whatsoever_) and violent, sometimes uncontrolled outbursts of anger (_well_, Harry thought, _that would be an understatement_).

It all made sense. Granted this was Snape and one had to figure for his severe personality, and the countless other difficulties he had to face. But, Harry mused, this explained a lot of his behavior of late. Dumbledore was coming see them tomorrow for a New Year's Eve dinner in the dungeons, and Harry decided he definitely needed to speak with the Headmaster about this. As Harry finished reading the brief blurb Hermione had attached, he found it odd that part of the treatment often involves the person confronting the traumatic experience head on through exposure to the trigger object.

_Perhaps, _Harry mused, _Dumbledore really knows what he's doing after all._

-  
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**A/N:** I am not a psychologist and am certainly not a medical authority on PTSD or using it to explain the whole of our complex Potions Master. That being said, Post-traumatic stress disorder is a serious psychological disorder that affects millions of people every year. Over 5 million Americans will be affected by it this year. FMI: www (dot) nmha (dot) org / reassurance / ptsd (dot) cfm

Thanks everyone for all the positive reviews/feedback. It's so nice to know people are so into this story of mine. Thanks again to my beta Kelei!

So it appears that the ice is finally beginning to thaw between these two. In the next chapter, _Over and over again_: the next evening, the two men lapse into alcohol induced conversation and Harry works very hard to get Severus to **finally **open up. Is that possible? And more importantly, will it be enough?

Please be kind and review!


	28. Over and over again

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings: **references to rape/non-con, strong language

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Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 28: Over and over again**

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_**(Day 8)**_

As it turned out, it had been unnecessary for Snape and Harry to take the anti-aphrodisiac again the following night – the pair never made it to the bed. Both men spent the night in the sitting room curled up on opposite ends of the couch. They talked about almost everything (sports, politics, careers, Hogwarts gossip), while deftly avoiding what needed to be said. As Snape poured himself another glass of scotch, he noticed Harry looked a little peaked.

"You look pale, Potter."

"I feel like shit," Harry muttered.

"The shakes and a touch of nausea?" Snape asked.

"Yeah."

"It's the withdrawal from the Dreamless Sleep Draught," Snape observed.

"Didn't you say you had something for that?"

Snape transfigured the cap of the bottle into another glass, poured a generous amount of scotch into it and handed it to Harry.

"Scotch? Are you serious? This is your miracle cure?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Don't I wish, Potter," Snape drawled.

The two set to work on finishing the bottle, while staring silently at the fireplace – the only source of light in the dark room. After about an hour or so, Harry decided to try and spark a conversation.

"I saw you reading that book earlier…the one I got you for Christmas. Is it any good?"

Snape trained his piercing eyes on Harry. "Any good?" he asked disbelievingly. "You have absolutely no idea what you got for me, do you?"

"No," Harry admitted.

Snape smirked, "Albus does have good taste."

"Hey!" Harry protested. "But _I_ bought it."

"So you did and thank you." Snape said, and then added curiously, "Did he mention where he got it?"

"No. Just that he's been looking for it for you for years. I can't believe he let me give it to you."

"Albus is nothing if not generous." A short pause. "His gift is a testament to that." Snape took a deep breath, exhaling sharply in disbelief as he spoke, "I still can't believe he forced you down here with me."

"Well he is kooky."

"_That_…is putting it mildly," Snape said.

Feeling emboldened by the scotch, Harry continued, "Can't he just be so annoying with the whole, 'have a lemon drop, have some tea, my boy,' when you're just thinking 'I need to tell you something important, damn it.'"

"You can't even imagine. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg, Potter."

"Speaking of tips, did you see his newest hat?" Harry asked with a laugh.

"The ridiculous neon green one with the red point?" Snape huffed with a smirk.

"Yeah."

"How could I not? When he wears it you could spot him across the Quidditch pitch. He looks like a homing beacon."

The pair went on about Dumbledore for a long time and Snape had Harry in stitches. Harry had forgotten how good it felt to laugh!

Snape continued, "Not to mention my biggest pet peeve with the man. His subtle Legilimency. And the way he '_never_' uses it. How naive does he think I am?"

"Well, to be fair, it can't just be Legilimency. He obviously has a sixth sense. I think he knew I fancied you before I did."

"Is that so?" Snape asked curiously.

"Yeah, I had a conversation about it with him at the end of last year."

"Last year?" Snape asked incredulously, nearly spitting out his beverage.

"Yup. Here, let me show you." Harry projected the last part of their conversation to Snape. _Dumbledore was chuckling and saying, "Well, everyone has their demons to face Harry…some more than others. But remember, things change and people change, Harry. Perhaps, my boy, in time…"_

Snape said nothing.

"Did you ever talk to him about us?" Harry asked.

"Of course! I must have begged him 50 different times to release me from our lessons over the last month."

"I meant before…when we…" Harry began, stopping suddenly.

"Oh," Snape said, and coughed uncomfortably, "Yes. After I saw that fantasy of yours."

"You knew that was about you all along?" Harry asked wide-eyed.

"Of course – it was written all over your face. Have you forgotten you're a horrible Occlumens?" Snape teased.

"You keep reminding me. So…what happened?"

Snape poured himself another large glass of scotch, took a swig and said, "Oh, what the hell…I might as well…we're not sleeping anyway." Snape sent the memory directly to Harry.

-  
-

Snape was sitting in Dumbledore's office, across from the Headmaster.

"How are the lessons going?" Dumbledore asked.

"Fine, Albus, although he is quite inept."

"And?"

"And I am forced to admit that he is improving, albeit at the speed of a Grindylow on land," Snape said.

"And?" Dumbledore asked again.

"And his defensive spells are…quite adequate."

"And?" Dumbledore prodded further.

_Damn he knows everything! _Snape thought.

-  
-

Harry interrupted the memory with his laughter.

"What is so funny?" Snape asked.

"That's exactly what I think when I talk to him. I didn't know he drove everyone crazy like that. Sorry…go on."

-  
-

Snape spoke hesitantly to Dumbledore, "There is something else. I don't know if I should continue with him."

"Is that so?"

"The boy seems to have developed…an unnatural fascination with me, Albus."

"Indeed?" Dumbledore asked with a knowing smile.

Snape looked annoyed now. "Really, Albus! Is there something you're not telling me?"

"What would make you think that, dear boy?" Dumbledore asked with his trademark twinkle. He took an indulgent sip of tea and then spoke again. "Why does it bother you so?"

"What?"

"This fascination, as you call it."

"It doesn't. I just thought you should be aware."

"Then why would you propose putting a stop to the lessons, Severus? You said yourself Harry is improving and that is what is important. Regarding your other point, which seems to be weighing on you quite heavily, I must say, I see no reason for concern. The school rules on this are very clear."

Snape wasn't aware of any school rules in this matter but realized that, of course, there had to be some. He had never been in a position where it concerned him before, so he paid no attention to such things.

"Of course, Albus. Perhaps in your next chat with him you could mention them to him, just as a precaution."

"You misunderstand me, Severus, there is nothing to explain. The rules state that there is nothing that forbids a relationship providing that the student is of age of consent and is of sound mind. And I believe that Harry is both," Dumbledore said with a glint in his eye.

"I would not be so sure about the latter."

"Just out of curiosity, Severus, how did you find out about this…fascination?"

"He was unable to block a fantasy he was having about me. Quite adolescent," Snape scoffed.

"Ohhh…how interesting. Did you tell him you saw this?"

"No. I did not want to embarrass the boy."

"And why not, Severus? That doesn't sound very much like you," Dumbledore said, his eyes sparkling brightly. "You're being awfully protective of him again."

"Albus, please!" Snape huffed in frustration.

"Perhaps he showed this fantasy to you on purpose. Did you consider that? Perhaps he wants you to know."

"That's absolutely ridiculous! The boy's confused. We've been spending all hours of the day together."

"And that explains it how precisely?"

"It's a crush, Albus. Granted I'm surprised it's for me, but the boy is lonely. And between you and me, he's just discovered that he's interested in men and he's obviously being drawn to the first person he believes shares the same preferences – although he's only guessing there."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. I've tried my best to keep him confused on that point."

"Why am I not surprised, Severus?"

"Must you always twinkle so?" Snape said with exasperation. "It's just a crush!"

"Of course," Dumbledore replied in a disbelieving tone.

Snape tried to counter, "Crushes happen, Albus. They mean nothing."

"Some perhaps. But not all," Dumbledore said significantly. "I seem to remember a young Slytherin who had a distant and unrequited crush on his Headmaster…"

"Is there a point to this story?" Snape asked.

"Yes. And against all odds, numerable as they were – he found his way back to me," Dumbledore said fondly. "And now, he does things to make an old man very happy – such as having tea with him in the middle of the night. Are you still so sure that crushes mean nothing, Severus?"

A short silence stretched between the men.

"You knew about that?" Snape asked, with a deceptively serious look on his face.

Dumbledore's eyes lit up and his face beamed with a wide smile.

Both men started to laugh heartily.

-  
-

And suddenly the memory stopped. Harry was in shock. _Severus was laughing. Laughing! What in heaven's name was going on there?_

"You had a crush on Dumbledore?" Harry asked incredulously.

"He makes it sound to dramatic," Snape said dismissively.

"So was it a crush or what?"

Snape sighed and said, "It's complicated."

"Complicated?" Harry asked with a puzzled expression on his face. "And now you're just friends?"

"More than friends," Snape said.

Harry gulped.

"Not like that, Potter! Stop it. What Albus and I share is not definable by words. He gave me my life back – you cannot _ever _repay someone for something like that. What we have goes beyond friendship, beyond family. However meddlesome and annoying he might be at times, I love the man dearly." Snape paused for a moment, and then added. "At least that's the way I feel about him."

Harry was quick to jump in, "You're way too hard on yourself. He loves you – and not just whatever love – the kind of love I'd kill to have."

"Does he now?" Snape asked with a tone of amusement the belied the seriousness behind his words.

"I may not be a Legilimens, but I know love when I see it."

"Is that so? And what have you seen?"

"That night…the way he looked at you. The way he held you and cared for you after you got back from…you know," Harry said, his voice trailing off suddenly.

An awkward silence hung between the two men and Snape averted his gaze to the fire. The sudden turn in the conversation had sobered them both up immediately.

After a few minutes, Harry broke the silence with a hesitant voice, "Are you angry that he showed me that?"

No answer came. Harry studied Severus's face for the answer but it was as impassive as ever.

"Does it upset you that I saw that?"

Silence. Snape's hard gaze remained trained on the crackling log in the hearth. Harry was disheartened by Severus's silence, but something told him he had to keep trying to get the man to speak.

"Because I'm glad I saw it…I don't mean it like that. I mean…I didn't understand before…what you go through. I couldn't…" Harry lowered his head and sighed. There was so much he wanted to say; so much he wanted this man to understand. Words would always be inadequate, but they were all he had. "I don't know how you do it…I…I can't imagine what you go through and after what happened I—"

Snape couldn't take anymore. He could hear pity in the boy's voice and it was too much; he couldn't bear to hear another word. "Spare me your platitudes, Potter. Save them for someone who gives a damn."

"But I—"

"This is none of your business. The fact that Albus felt it prudent to toss my…affairs into your mind doesn't change that fact," Snape rasped.

"I'm sorry. I just want to talk to you. I wanted to finally get this out in the open between us so…so that—"

"So that what?" Snape snapped with irritation. "How do you imagine this going, Potter? I express my heartfelt regrets to you and all will be forgiven," Snape snarled angrily. "What an idealistic _fool _you are!"

Snape then got up, moved to the back corner of the room and returned with a new bottle of scotch, which he promptly opened and began to pour. Harry was staring at him very carefully, trying to remember how many glasses the man had already had.

"How much have you—"

Snape cut Harry off, "Not nearly enough," and then added bitingly, "And unless you have a death wish, I would encourage you to keep your mouth shut."

Harry sighed. He was getting really frustrated. He'd thought they were making progress, but apparently he was mistaken. Harry reached over and grabbed the bottle of scotch and noticed Snape's eyes widen threateningly. Resignedly, Harry poured himself a healthy glass and returned the bottle to the table. Snape studied him for a moment, but then couldn't help smirking with amusement.

They sat in silence for a long time – exactly how long neither knew – an hour? two? more? – each man descending in his thoughts. Their faces were now difficult to discern in the darkness, as only a faint light was emanating from the embers within the hearth.

Finally Harry broke the silence with a whisper; "I never thanked you for…for staying with me two nights ago after my nightmare."

"Are you trying to piss me off?" Snape snapped loudly.

"No! I'm thanking you," Harry insisted.

"We have had this conversation. I was to blame in the first place. Or have you forgotten?"

"But you stayed. I was scared and you…you comforted me."

"_Comforted _you? Hmpff, as if I would know how to do that."

A very long silence stretched between them.

Harry's knew very well that Severus knew how to be comforting. He remembered that moment over two months ago when he had been crying after that painful Occlumency lesson – the way Severus had held him tenderly in his arms and told him everything would be all right. And then Harry remembered what had happened after that. Harry carefully considered his next words. He decided it was long past the time to ask the question that had been burning in his mind for the past two months.

He spoke very deliberately, "Severus…have you forgotten what happened between us? Or do you just want to forget?"

Harry sensed Severus bristle at the question. He had clearly not been expecting it. Harry did not expect that he would get a response, but Severus answered him a minute later in a low, serious whisper.

"I need to forget."

"Why?"

"Because things aren't the same and they never will be." Uncomfortable with his own honesty, Snape spoke again, this time with his trademark mockery, "I'm sure that saddens you, Potter. After all, I was _such _a joy to be with after all. And I'm quite the catch, aren't I?"

Harry could feel the pain buried behind Severus's sarcastic words. He reached over in the dark and placed his hand on top of the other man's hand. Severus didn't move away but said firmly, "Don't."

Reluctantly, Harry moved his hand back. Snape took a large gulp of scotch and refilled his glass. Harry could sense that Severus was tired. Not to sleep – although Merlin knew he could use some of that – but the man was mentally exhausted. Harry felt much the same way, but it was an odd sensation coming from Severus and even stranger that Harry could sense it. Harry wondered briefly if Severus was sending him the feeling, but he dismissed that idea, forcing himself to examine the other, more alarming possibility. Perhaps Severus was so exhausted, so 'out of control' that he had unknowingly lowered his mental shields. Although Harry had been trying to discern what Severus was thinking, he was no Legilimens, and the fact that _he_ could sense Severus's state of mind was frightening indeed.

Severus Snape was a strong, unshakableman – but apparently not now. Scared of upsetting Severus further, Harry wanted to end this conversation and go to bed, but a persistent voice told him to press on. '_Don't let him turn you away, Harry.' _With Dumbledore's words ringing heavily in his ears, Harry tried again.

"You know, this isn't easy for me either," Harry said gently. "I never imagined I'd be talking to you like this two months later because Dumbledore had the crazy idea to lock us up together."

No response.

"Does it bother you that I'm here…in the dungeons? I mean, other than me annoying you every ten seconds, does it _bother _you?"

Silence.

"Tell me the truth." _What are you doing? _Harry asked himself, alarmed at the bluntness of his words.

"The truth?" Snape snorted. "As if that's so simple, Potter."

"What does that mean?"

"It means…it means that I don't know," Snape admitted.

"You don't know if I bother you?" Harry probed.

_The sight of you is like heaven and hell all rolled up into one_, Snape thought. _The fact that you are here with me gives me hope that I am not past redemption, but every time I look at you I can't stop thinking about it…I can't get it out of my head…I can't…_

"I make you uncomfortable, don't I?" Harry asked, inadvertently interrupting the man's thought.

_Oh…you have absolutely no idea,_ Snape huffed mentally.

"I make you remember, don't I?" Harry pushed. _Shut up, Harry, _he told himself.

_Remember! _Snape thought. 'Remember' – as if that word was strong enough. Remembering implied something once forgotten. _I've never forgotten._

Harry pressed, "You can't forget it, can you?" _Shut up, Harry, shut up! _

_Which part precisely?_ Snape thought angrily. _Me telling the Dark Lord how I want to rape you…fuck you…own you…mark you? Me coming as I told him?_

"It keeps playing in your mind over and over again every time you look at me," Harry half-asked, half-asserted.

Snape felt everything tightening up inside of him, a deep ache spreading across his chest at the truth of Harry's words.

_Over and over again._

_The look of stunned revulsion on your face._

_The way He cradled me so tightly in his arms, so intimately, as if I belonged there – reminding me that I am His forever._

_That depraved voice, urging, 'Tell me, Severus. Tell me everything.'_

_Me telling him…how I want to break you, make you bleed as I take you, as I defile your innocence. That I want to taste your fear, listen to your begging whimpers and then claim you like a whore._

_His sick whispers in my ear, 'Do you feel how hard I am, Severus, from your desires?'_

_Hard from **my** desires! **MY** desires?_

_His hands on my flesh, so perversely tender, stroking me to orgasm – extracting so much pleasure out of my pain._

_His whispering hiss, 'Tell me how Harry Potter feels, Severusssss.'_

_His voice commanding me, 'Oh yessssss. Come inside Harry, Severusssssss.'_

_Me coming as I screamed your name, 'Haaaarrryy…'_

_Severussssss._

_The fear in your eyes afterwards when you thought I was going to rape you right then and there. 'Do you still want to…**know **me…Haaaarrryy?' _

_The fact that I put it there._

_Severussssss._

"Severus!" Harry said forcefully, snapping Severus out of his tormented thoughts.

_Over and over again._

It took Snape a long moment to realize where he was. And he felt inexplicably grateful for the darkness of the room. He caught his breath and buried the emotions bubbling up inside him as best he could.

A breath escaped Snape's lips that sounded something like a sob and then he whispered, "Harry, I…"

_Harry!_

"Harry, I can't…I don't know how to tell you this properly. I owe you an apology for…for what I did. Though I won't belittle you by telling you that I regret you knowing the truth."

"So you're glad you told me?" Harry asked with gentle curiosity.

"No…I…I don't know. I needed you to know. But…" Snape paused, choosing his words carefully. "But I shouldn't have frightened you the way I did." _Or rather, I shouldn't have 'wanted' to frighten you away like that._ "I…I am sorry for…afterwards, the way I made you think that I…that I was going to…going to _hurt _you…you have every right to hate me for that. And for the rest…" Snape paused and placed his head in his hands. His voice was unsteady as he spoke, "…for the rest, I can't…I can't even…"

Harry interrupted, "I don't hate you, Severus. And you don't need to be sorry for anything else. The rest is nothing."

"You're wrong…it's everything." _It's everything._

"No, Severus, it's not—"

Snape interrupted Harry forcefully. "Don't!" He took a deep breath and added quietly, "You can't possibly…you don't know…" Snape felt his insides twist in revulsion once more as he remembered, as it flashed in his mind – over and over again. _Me coming in his arms._

And that was the crux of it really, Snape thought. He had come. However difficult it had been (seemingly impossible) however outside himself he was at that moment (surely the finest bit of acting he had ever performed), he had done it – and he hated himself for it. In small part for having done it, for having come in that monster's obscenely delicate embrace – but mostly he hated himself for having been _able _to do it.

And then, didn't that mean he had had a _choice_? Was it truly, as Albus had carefully explained to him in the tormented, nearly suicidal days that followed, a _violation _of his person – a second horrific rape? Despite wanting to believe the elder wizard's words, he couldn't quite (yet) compartmentalize the second heinous event that way. And it made that night that he lay comfortably cradled in Voldemort's arms much more difficult to face than the night he crawled through mud and his own blood towards the monster's feet.

_Two rapes._

The first was horrifying surely, but it occupied a defined space in his mind. It was completely out of his control – however responsible he was for joining the Death Eaters, he had had no control over those hands on his body, no control over the fact that his screaming pleas went unanswered that night. And there was _pain_…so much pain. And he had certainly not moved past it, but there was a strange comfort in remembering the pain – it reminded him that he was human and as Albus had told him repeatedly, the victim.

But on that other fateful night…there had been no pain. In fact, there was pleasure – not a comfortable pleasure, not the sort of pleasure he wanted to feel again, because it was mentally torturous. But physically, Severus knew, without any uncertainty, that when the Dark Lord had touched his Mark, he had been flooded with the most intense pleasure he had _ever _experienced. Snape closed his eyes, trying to force the memory from his mind.

_Those cold hands stroking my cheek, asking seductively, 'Does your Master know how to give you pleasure, Severusssss?' _

_And then my voice, confessing to him, 'Yessssssss. Ohhhh yesssssss,' through ragged breaths born from crushing pleasure._

And it was truly crushing. But not as crushing as the truth – that part of him enjoyed it. And that was almost too much to bear. Did that make him a monster? And if he was, why did he feel such excruciating guilt – he was almost suffocating in it. He wished he could just stop breathing, because he needed to make it stop. He needed it to be over.

Harry could sense Severus's anguish. He could _literally _feel the horrible memories moving through his mind. Harry wanted desperately to reach out and touch him – but he knew that was out of the question. Severus was permitting himself to be vulnerable for the briefest of moments and Harry knew he had to seize on it. It was probably his last chance to get through to the man. Harry summoned his courage by downing the rest of his scotch and spoke.

"Severus…I know you don't want to talk to me about this, but I need you to answer some questions for me."

Snape's whole body froze, his breathing hitched, he clutched his robe tightly in his fingers. The air in the room suddenly seemed thin and unbreathable to him and he did not answer – he could not. He swallowed hard, attempting to loosen the tightness in his throat.

Harry spoke as gently as he could, ignoring the sudden dampness of his palms and dryness in his mouth. "Please. It's important."

Harry discerned a mute nod in the darkness. Snape's eyes were fixed on the smoldering embers. He didn't want to talk about this anymore, but after what he'd put Harry through, he knew he owed the boy the right to ask his questions.

Needing to be sure, Harry continued, "The questions…they are difficult…very difficult. You promise not to be offended?" Harry asked, trying to remain focused over the powerful pounding of his own heart, which he was certain that Severus had to hear.

Snape's breathing quickened and the now unbearable tightness in his throat made it impossible to speak. But somehow Harry knew he had assented.

Harry took a deep breath and asked in a choked whisper, "Did you ever want to force me?"

Although Harry felt sure he knew the answer, he still felt his whole body grow cold as he asked the question. He felt like his stomach was trying to crawl out of his body and he wondered sympathetically how Severus must be feeling this very second. He only hoped that Severus knew that the question was not meant as an accusation.

Snape snapped his head sharply to look at Harry, his eyes wide at the question, which had clearly stunned him. "_Absolutely not_…I would never—"

"It's okay," Harry interrupted loudly. "You don't need to say anymore." A short pause. Harry could hear Severus trying to slow his almost uncontrollable breathing.

"Did you enjoy telling him about forcing me?"

"No. I…it was…" Snape managed, before trailing off, his voice not obeying.

Harry could feel the man trembling next to him. With a sick sense of dread gripping him, Harry asked his last question.

"Did you enjoy his hands on you? I mean I know you…" Harry began, his voice cracking on his last words. _Damn it, Harry. Get control of yourself! How is Severus supposed to feel here? _"I…I know you…_came_," Harry said, that last _crucial_ word barely a whisper. He felt indefinably sick, but forced himself to continue, "But did you_ want_ him to…to touch you like that…I mean, afterwards the way you…" Harry stopped again. His voice had given out once more and he did not know how to finish. His mind was remembering the way Severus had so reverently kissed Voldemort's bony hand, the way his knelt beside him and placed his forehead so intimately on that monster's thigh, his declaration that he had given himself to him freely and that he was _his_.

Harry knew he wasn't explaining himself very well, but he sensed somehow that Severus understood his question. The man remained completely silent, but Harry could see his bowed head shaking with violent denials in the darkness and Harry finally released a breath that he didn't even know he was holding.

Harry scooted over on the couch, closing the distance between himself and Severus, whose head was still bowed, a veil of black covering his face. Harry reached his hand out and touched the man's face, gently sweeping the dark soft locks away and tucking them behind his ear. And then Harry leaned in and kissed Severus gently on the cheek, hiding his surprise as his lips contacted warm salty wetness.

Snape flinched slightly at the unexpectedness of Harry's kiss, but remained silent and still.

Harry spoke, barely inches away from Severus's face, "Then you need to stop blaming yourself, Severus, because I don't. I hope you know that I already knew the answers to those questions. I wouldn't be sitting here with you if I didn't. I asked them because…because _you_ don't seem to know." Harry fought with all his might to keep his eyes dry – he needed to control his emotions, to be strong for Severus. "I want you to know…You _need_ to know…that I forgive you, Severus – even though there is nothing to forgive. But I know you think you need my forgiveness…and I want you to know that it is yours."

Harry placed another soft chaste kiss on Severus's cheek and then moved back to his side of the couch. The pair sat in silence for the remainder of the night, which was already turning into dawn.

There was so much left unsaid between them. So many things that were still too raw to mention, so many things Severus wasn't ready to speak about. But Harry was determined to be there when he was.

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**A/N**: Please please review.

Thanks everyone for all your positive and wonderful reviews of the last chapter. Thanks again to Kelei for betaing for me.

FYI: Chapter 2 of my other story is up for anyone who is following that as well.

I really hoped you all liked this chapter. This was one of my favorites to write; I was trying to give you all a glimpse of what I think is going on in the psyche of Severus Snape in this particular tale of mine. Oh do I wish I could hug him...but Harry was smart (for once) not to push his luck and try that.

In the next chapter, _Goodbye Harry_, Dumbledore comes the next day for New Year's Dinner! And what happens when Harry finds his forced confinement with Severus over?

PLEASE review...I am really looking forward to your feedback on this one!


	29. Goodbye Harry

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 29: Goodbye Harry  
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_**(Day 9)**_

Harry awoke feeling decidedly stiff, with a throbbing pain in his skull after having managed only a few hours of sleep. Snape, on the other hand, didn't even have that luxury. He had dozed on and off in the morning hours, but the evening's conversation had kept him awake for most of the night.

As Harry reluctantly opened his eyes, a potion was shoved under his nose and he swallowed it promptly.

"What was that?"

Snape sighed, "What did I tell you about taking things you don't recognize?"

"Well I assumed you would have killed me by now if you wanted to."

"Don't be so sure," Snape said dryly. "It's for your hangover."

"How did you…oh," Harry said, remembering that Snape had had quite a bit of scotch himself. "Wow! That's much better. Thank you."

Harry looked up at Snape. The man looked like hell, but to be honest, that wasn't much of a change.

"I'll be in the shower," Snape said. "Albus is scheduled to be here in 6 hours time for dinner, so no doubt he'll be here any minute. We should get ready."

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True to Snape's word, Dumbledore arrived a few hours early, just after each of them had showered and gotten dressed.

"What a surprise, Albus! You're early," Snape said with fond sarcasm.

"I came to keep you boys company," Dumbledore said with a smile. "I must say, you two look thoroughly exhausted."

"We didn't sleep much last night," Harry offered.

"Potter!" Snape snapped.

Realizing that he had inadvertently implied something else, Harry immediately added, "Oh sorry, I didn't mean it like that, I…"

Dumbledore raised his hand and spoke directly to Snape, "Not that it is any of my business, but I did not get the wrong idea, Severus. Relax, my boy."

Dumbledore chuckled as Snape rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed with the Headmaster's reassurance.

A moment later a house elf appeared with a tray of food.

"Are you hungry, Professor?" Harry asked.

"I'm fine, Harry, thank you. But, by all means, you two should eat."

Harry spoke, "Severus, what can I get you?"

"Nothing for me."

Harry ignored him and put some eggs, bacon and toast on a plate and handed it to Snape.

"You should eat, Severus, just a little something," Harry urged.

"Impertinent brat," Snape said not unkindly.

Dumbledore could scarcely contain his glee when he noticed that Snape actually started eating the food Harry had plated for him.

"I take it the two of you have finally been talking things out then?" Dumbledore asked with a sparkle in his brilliant blue eyes.

Snape snorted.

Harry smiled at Dumbledore who winked back at him.

Harry saw that Dumbledore was now glancing over at Snape's desk, apparently taking notice of the large gold cauldron that Harry knew Snape had been tending to for days now.

Inclining his head slightly towards the fine mist emanating from the cauldron, Dumbledore asked with a glimmer of excitement in his voice, "Is that what I think it is, Severus?"

Snape answered with a twinkle of his own, "Yes."

"May I?" Dumbledore asked.

"Of course."

Dumbledore stood and strolled over to the cauldron, examining the contents with careful curiosity. "Fascinating. I would love for you to take me through the process, Severus."

Snape was now beaming from ear to ear. "I would be delighted to."

The three men sat and talked for a couple of hours about nothing in particular. Dumbledore gave an exhaustive account of what the two of them were missing, which wasn't very much since almost all the students were away. Harry found the detailed descriptions of the bickering between the staff quite interesting actually. When Dumbledore finally moved onto discussing Professors McGonagall and Trelawney, Harry was on the edge of his seat – he could only too well imagine those two women clawing at each other. Snape, on the other hand, looked bored to tears. Apparently all these staff disputes were nothing new to him.

"If you'll both excuse me, I have something I need to attend to. I'll only be a tick."

"Of course, Severus."

Moments after Snape left, Dumbledore began, "I suspected that might finally give us a bit of privacy."

"You mean Professors McGonagall and Trelawney didn't really have a fight?"

"Harry, my boy, they fight like that every day."

"Oh. Well, I'm glad we're alone, sir. There's something very important I need to tell you. It has to do with Severus's nightmares. I finally got him to let me stay with him in his bedroom…" Harry began, a large blush creeping onto his face.

"Do satisfy an old man's curiosity and tell me how you managed that," Dumbledore said with a curious smile.

"I brewed an anti-aphrodisiac."

Dumbledore began chuckling, "How very clever of you, Harry."

"If you only knew the full story…but anyway. Severus's nightmares…they're…they're worse than I could have ever imagined and it got me to thinking about the way he's been acting. And I wrote to Hermione about this theory I had and well, I think I might know what's wrong with Severus. I mean…not everything obviously, but maybe an explanation for the nightmares and some other things."

"Post traumatic stress disorder," Dumbledore said.

Harry was only momentarily shocked. "You knew all this time."

"I suspected early on…shortly after the two of you exchanged Unforgivables. I had tea with Severus and his mental walls were extremely unstable and he was apparently unaware of it. That was my first hint that he was not coping very well with the substantial emotional trauma he has suffered – understandably so. Despite my efforts, he did not care to confide in me at the time."

"Is that why I could hear some of his thoughts last night?" Harry asked.

"I expect so. It is, to put it mildly, very unlike Severus to share his thoughts and feelings so openly. That, of course, was my first clue. But I didn't know for certain until the night you came to see me after Severus had lost control and showed you those memories. Severus is a man of great restraint, and I knew something had to be very wrong for his anger to have taken control of him like that."

"But you sent me down here?"

"You were never in any danger, Harry."

"I didn't mean—"

"I know you didn't, but I wanted you to know that. I sent you down here because Severus needed to find a way to be around you again without resorting to denial or anger."

"So he'll get better then?"

Dumbledore sighed deeply. "He has suffered a great deal, but it is my hope that, in time, he will get better. However, I hope you understand, Harry, that the post-traumatic stress disorder is but a small piece of what Severus is going through. Of course it is also the most burdensome to him at the moment as it interferes with his daily activities. That is why I sent you down here, so that he could begin confronting it – to get a handle on what has been happening to him with his flashbacks and his lack of control with you. He has many things to work through, but you have given him a solid place to start, Harry."

"But I'm afraid I've only made the nightmares worse."

"For the time being perhaps – but they will get better. I can see that he has come a long way already. Despite being exhausted, his mental walls are stronger than they've been in weeks," Dumbledore said.

"We had a long talk last night. It was…intense," Harry said releasing a deep breath.

"I can only imagine." Dumbledore paused a moment before continuing, a very serious expression on his face; "Harry, I owe you a debt of gratitude, my boy. Severus is…very important to me. I wish I could have done more for him, but I knew you had to be the one to get through to him, Harry. He had been avoiding you because you were triggering his flashbacks and his nightmares. A few days ago, he could not stand to be in the same room with you, let alone accept the kindness of you preparing his brunch plate."

"But he doesn't know, does he, that he has this? Shouldn't we tell him?" Harry asked worriedly.

"Do you really think that it would be wise for you to tell him, Harry?" Dumbledore asked with an amused twinkle.

"Only if I want to be hexed into next week," Harry said with a grin.

"Quite right. It is not your place to tell him, Harry. That is my place. I put him in this situation and he deserves to know why. Although on some level I'm certain he already knows – he just may not be ready to admit it yet. I will, however, speak with him about the post-traumatic stress disorder, among other things, after you leave tomorrow."

"I'm leaving tomorrow?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Yes. Oh, one moment Harry." Dumbledore snapped his fingers and began placing an order for tea with the house elf, "A pot of ginger-honey tea and a pot of…earl grey?" he asked, giving Harry a measured look. Harry nodded. "Yes, earl grey and some chocolate biscuits and cardamom scones please. Ah yes, Harry…for my other bit of news. I am releasing you a day early. Molly owled me to say that Ron and Hermione are coming back a day earlier than planned so they can spend some time with you before the rest of the students arrive. They are due to arrive at 10 am tomorrow morning."

"Oh…okay," Harry said, feeling oddly disappointed by the news that he would be leaving Severus earlier than he had expected.

Dumbledore continued, "If I know Severus as I do, he will no doubt suggest you take the week off from your lessons with him. And I believe you should take him up on the offer, Harry."

"What? Why?"

"Because first of all you should use the opportunity to spend some time with your friends and take in some much needed relaxation and sleep. I know you have had quite a trying Holiday, Harry. And also, I am going to need the time with Severus. We have much to discuss."

"Oh…" Harry said, trying to suppress his concern for leaving Severus alone.

Dumbledore jumped on Harry's concern, "I shall be here with him, Harry. You need not worry."

"Alright." After a brief pause, Harry spoke again, "There's something else I need to talk to you about, sir."

Dumbledore beamed, "I know there is, my boy, but seeing as Severus will be joining us in just a moment, why don't you think on it some more tonight and you can come see me tomorrow morning before Ron and Hermione arrive."

_Damn, he knows everything! _"I'll do that, sir."

"Excellent. Ah…Severus, welcome back. I've just ordered us some tea – and your favorite scones."

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After a pleasant dinner and a thoroughly enjoyable evening, Dumbledore bid Harry and Severus goodnight.

"Well my boys, I will leave you to your last night together. Harry, don't forget, 10 am."

"Yes, sir."

"What's this about?" Snape asked, clearly confused.

"Oh, I forgot to mention, Severus. I am releasing Harry from his confinement in the dungeons tomorrow morning since Ron and Hermione are coming back early especially to see him."

Snape's face remained impassive, but Dumbledore keen gaze observed the flicker of disappointment in his eyes.

Snape replied evenly, "Finally…some privacy."

"Don't get too used to it, my boy. I shall be here at four o'clock sharp tomorrow for tea. We have many things to discuss."

"I look forward to it, Albus."

"Goodnight, my boys."

A few moments after Dumbledore left, Snape was tending to his potion once more.

"What is that anyway?" Harry finally asked. "Are you making something for Professor Dumbledore?"

"No. This is for my Pensieve. Albus got me one for Christmas…quite extraordinary really."

"He got you a Pensieve?" Harry asked incredulously. Even Harry, who knew very little about such things, was awed. He remembered how rare Severus had told him Pensieves were.

"Yes."

"Oh…and the potion…is that that silvery stuff?"

"That _silvery stuff_, as you so eloquently put it, is actually a colloidal suspension of about 50 distinct potions, but yes, that is what I'm brewing."

"It doesn't come with that?"

"The stone basin itself is extremely rare. It is carved from nearly impossible to find enchanted rock and it is engraved magically with these Ancient Runes whose meaning is known only to perhaps one or two persons on this planet. It is…priceless…to say the least," Snape said shaking his head in astonishment.

Harry could tell that Severus was unable to understand how he could warrant such a gift. "You deserve it, Severus. You more than anyone else." Harry realized with relief that the Pensieve could make things much easier on Severus. At least he could remove some of his most horrifying memories when they became too difficult to bear. Musing that this could help speed Severus's recovery, Harry asked hopefully, "So when will it be ready?"

Reading the meaning behind Harry's words, Severus responded, "Not nearly soon enough. The process is very complex – and it's not as though there is a well-defined procedure – but I anticipate with some luck, I may be able to have it ready in a year."

"A year?" Harry asked, clearly dumbfounded.

"That is assuming that the protocols I have are correct. They may not be…more research may be required."

"I didn't realize…wow…" Harry began, his mouth still hanging open in shock.

"Yes," Snape said, a smirk painting the corners of his mouth, "I think '_wow'_ is the appropriate reaction."

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That night the two had a brief argument over their sleeping arrangements. Snape didn't like the idea of Harry staying with him again – not because he minded, but because he knew that their confinement was almost over. Having Harry stay with him would only prolong the inevitable separation. But Harry insisted on staying and after the two downed their potions, they made their way to the bed.

Despite the warmth of the flannel sheets, Harry shivered involuntarily as he considered the fact that this might very well be the last night he would ever spend in this bed – the very last night he might ever spend with Severus.

"Are you cold?" Snape asked, pulling the duvet higher over both of them.

"Thanks," Harry said softly, feeling comforted by Severus's attentiveness.

Both men were exhausted from the previous night's lack of sleep and it didn't take long for either to drift off. But as they lay there, staring at their own corner of the ceiling, each was burdened by their thoughts.

Harry knew things would get much harder from this point on. He knew that Snape would retreat back into his shell as soon as he left the dungeons. But he also knew that Dumbledore was right. He needed to give Severus a little time to think about things on his own, and time for Dumbledore to get through to him the way only Dumbledore could.

Snape meanwhile was realizing with regret that things would never be the same between Harry and himself again. He knew that once Harry left, their lives would soon return to 'normal' – their weekly lessons and the ensuing animosity between them would begin anew.

Before succumbing to sleep, Harry whispered, "Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight."

Snape waited until he was absolutely sure Harry was asleep before he scooted over closer to the young man. Snape pressed a gentle kiss to Harry's temple and then whispered words he never thought he would utter aloud, "I love you, Harry."

Harry may have been asleep, but he dreamt of a tall dark man protecting him against all the horrors of the world.

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_**(Day 10)**_

Snape awoke to find Harry's side of the bed empty. He got up and threw on his familiar green bathrobe. Although his nightmares had woken him several times during the night, he had managed to get a few solid hours of sleep – the first such stretch in a long while. When he strode into the sitting room, he was more than a little surprised to find Harry fully dressed, packed, and already locking his trunk. Harry promptly shrunk it down and placed it in his pocket.

Snape spoke, his presence clearly startling Harry, "You're leaving rather early. Didn't the Headmaster say Granger and Weasley were coming at 10?" Snape asked. _Merlin, you sound pathetic, Severus! Like an abandoned child._

"Yes," Harry said, "but I…I have some things to take care of."

"Of course," Snape replied in his typical impassive manner.

"So…I guess I'll see you Monday then."

"Actually, why don't you take the week off? You've been working quite hard and you deserve a break. I'd expect you'd want to devote some time to flying and your friends after having been cooped up in the dungeons for nearly 10 days," Snape said with no trace of sarcasm. "Not to mention the fact that you should catch up on all the sleep you've missed because of me."

_Damn Dumbledore's good! _Harry thought.

"Actually, Severus," Harry said, "I could use the time. Thanks."

Snape masterfully hid the surprise from his face. He hadn't expected Harry to accept the offer. He replied, "It's the least I can do after Albus had you locked up here. Well then, I shall see you in Potions."

"Yes. Goodbye, Severus."

Harry left the sitting room, shutting the door behind him.

Ten days ago – maybe even two days ago – Snape would have been ecstatic to be rid of Harry Potter. However pleased he was to regain his privacy, he also felt an unmistakable twinge of regret.He knew that Harry would go back to his dorm, to his friends and by week's end they would be back to their usual arrangement. A week in Gryffindor tower, away from Snape would be more than enough to erase anything that had developed between them. Reality would creep into their lives and Harry would surely be snapped out of this fiction that Albus had created.

Looking intently at the door, Snape said to no one in particular, his voice full of sadness and finality, "Goodbye, Harry."

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**A/N: **Please review. This is just too sad. But don't cry too much….at least we got that incredible confession out of our poor Severus! Oh I love that part...

I can't express how happy I was to find how many of you thought of the last chapter as one of your favorites. And that so many found it as emotionally moving as I intended it to be. To all my reviewers: **oodles of thanks**...it's so nice to get feedback and know that someone appreciates all the time that goes into writing this.

Also, once again, thanks to my beta** Kelei** for her work.

Don't you just love Albus! (Notice that's not a question!) On that front, here's some sad news: this is the last we shall see of out beloved Headmaster in this story. I had planned to write a chapter dealing with Dumbledore's conversations with Snape over the coming week - but decided that I couldn't possibly do it justice in one chapter, so I left it out. I may very well, if my muse inspires, write a companion piece that would focus on these and other conversations between these men, which I view as forced "therapy" - a theme that interests me given my love of psychology.

So no more Albus here...But there is no need to cry…plenty of Dumbledore may be found in my new story, Unexpected Grace (**New chapter** up today!), and plenty of SnapeAngst as well. I think you will really enjoy the deep (yet very humorous) interactions between these two men. I encourage you to give it a try. Even if you can't quite wrap your head around the two having feelings for each other, I think you will find the fic interesting nonetheless. And my writing is 10x better...

In the next chapter, Harry spends the next day with Ron and Hermione as indicated and he decides to tell them that he is in love with Severus. Yup...

**Please review.**


	30. Yeah mate, I can see the love

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 30: Yeah mate, I can see the love**

Harry spent the day with Ron and Hermione. They had, after all, arrived a day early to spend time with him since the trio had been apart for the Holidays. He was happy to see them, of course, but he felt oddly empty being away from Severus. Harry realized that he had become quite accustomed to Severus's presence after spending over a week with the man in such close proximity. When Ron and Hermione had first arrived, they promptly recounted their Holidays in detail to him, and he was sorry he had to lie and tell them his had been typically dull. He wondered how the truth would sound.

'_Yes, it was a pretty typical Holiday. Right after you left, I went to see Snape to tell him that I wanted our lessons to continue, despite his casting Unforgivables on me – oh, don't worry, it was just a little bit of Imperius and Cruciatus. But when I told him I wanted to resume our relationship – oh yeah, Snape and I had a thing a couple of months back – well he got very angry and went crazy. He showed me some memories that revealed him as a pedophile that wants to rape me and bring me to Voldemort. But don't worry, I talked the whole thing through with Dumbledore and his solution was to lock me in the dungeons with Snape for the rest of the Holidays until we worked things out.'_

Harry could not even imagine what reaction the truth would get him.

After dinner over a game of Exploding Snap in the Gryffindor common room, Harry decided it was time to bite the bullet.

"Ron, Hermione, there is something I need to tell both of you. I wish it could wait, but I wanted to do it before everyone comes back tomorrow and while we still have some privacy." Ron and Hermione both stared expectantly at Harry.

Harry took a deep breath, "When the new term starts, I'm going to be spending a bit more time away from Gryffindor tower. I spoke with Professor Dumbledore this morning and he's arranged for me to have a private room in the hospital wing that I can use when I need to, for my nightmares, but—"

Hermione interrupted before Harry could finish, "But I thought you said your nightmares weren't as bad any more. I thought your Occlumency lessons were helping."

"They are, Hermione." Harry was beginning feel very nervous. How was he going to explain all of this?

"I don't get it. If your nightmares are better, then why do you need to stay in the hospital wing?" Ron asked.

"I won't _really _be staying in the hospital wing on those nights. I would be staying with Professor Snape," Harry blurted out as fast as he could, hoping that would make it easier to say.

"What?" Ron exclaimed.

"Professor Dumbledore arranged this for me so I can Floo directly to the dungeons without anyone knowing."

"For your lessons, you mean?" Ron suggested, with a hint of terror in his eyes.

"Yes, for my lessons," Harry started, "and occasionally, I'll be spending the night as well, mostly on the weekends."

Hermione had a knowing smile on her face. She looked relieved for Harry that he finally was sharing this with them – and to Harry's astonishment, she did not look very surprised. Ron, however, looked anything but relieved, as he asked, "What do you mean spend the night? Why?"

"Well, for starters, Professor Snape needs me, especially now. See, he's been having these really horrible nightmares lately. Not like the ones I have, but they do relate to Voldemort."

Hermione chimed in now, concern in her voice. "Is he alright, Harry?"

Harry was relieved to get a question from Hermione. "He's doing much better now, Hermione."

Suddenly remembering Harry's letter to her over the Holidays, she gasped and exclaimed, "Oh! Was that information I sent you…was that for Professor Snape?"

"Yeah. He hasn't been very well. Like I said, he's doing better now, but I want to be there for him if he needs me."

Ron was looking positively angry now, "And what exactly could he possibly need from you?"

Harry looked almost as angry as Ron, "Maybe support and comfort!"

"He's Snape! What the hell does he need that for?" Ron yelled.

"He's a human being, Ron!" Harry shouted back. He took a deep breath and sighed, "I can't say a lot about it – except that he's been through a horrible ordeal this past month, worse than anything any of us could possibly imagine. And I want to be there for him, that's all."

Hermione was beaming at Harry and placed her arm on his as a show of support. Harry looking into her eyes and didn't need Legilimency to see the happiness and pride emanating from her.

Ron looked confused, "What business is that of yours?"

Harry took a deep breath, looking Ron straight in the eyes and spoke calmly, "It's my business, because I'm in love with him."

"What?" Ron asked in confusion. He was sure he must have misheard.

Harry did not hesitate this time, "I'm in love with him."

"Are you effing mad?" Ron shouted.

"No I'm not, Ron!"

"You don't even fancy men!"

"Well, actually, yes I do. I told Hermione about a month ago, in fact. Obviously I was right about not telling you!"

"Harry, I'm your best mate – if you fancy blokes, that's fine with me. But this is _Snape_! It's not normal. He's got you under a spell, he does. Imperius or something. You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yes I do, Ron! I know bloody well what I want! And he doesn't have me under a spell."

But Ron wasn't listening. Instead he spoke to Hermione. "We should go get Dumbledore. He'll be able to find out what's wrong with him."

Harry was livid now, "Dumbledore already knows. He's known for a very long time." Harry paused for a moment, reflecting on his conversation with the Headmaster last year, "Longer than I have, in fact. And he approves."

But this new information seemed to float right over Ron's head. Ignoring Harry once again, he addressed Hermione, postulating and explanation for this bizarre turn of events, "Maybe Snape's trying to get information out of Harry, you know, for Voldemort or something."

Harry sighed and was about to say something, but Hermione beat him to the punch.

"Yes, Ron. That's perfectly sensible! Snape has been giving Harry lessons, on Dumbledore's request by the way, but instead of getting this 'secret' information from Harry then, he comes up with this elaborate plan that involves convincing Harry that he is in love with him. But instead of using this 'love-spell' to extract this so-called information, he decides to completely ignore Harry and push him away for months. You know, Ron, sometimes your reasoning skills are amazing!" Hermione said in exasperation.

"Okay maybe that doesn't make sense," Ron replied. "But either does this! Where is this coming from? One minute you hate him and then you…ughh," Ron paused, struggled over the word, "…_love _him?"

"It's complicated, but it didn't happen over night. We grew close over my lessons and we sort of stumbled into a relationship about two months ago. But Severus ended it quite quickly…"

Ron interrupted, "So it's _Severus _now? You are out of your mind, Harry."

Hermione spoke, "Ron, shut up and let Harry finish."

"Like I said, he ended it. I tried to talk to him about it, but there were…complications. Anyway, we had a sort of…uhmm…confrontation at the start of the Holidays and—"

"Confrontation?" Ron asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's…complicated," Harry replied.

"You've already said that."

Harry really didn't want to lie to Ron and Hermione anymore now that he had finally decided to be honest with them. But he also knew he couldn't mention the horrible memories Severus had shown him without compromising Severus's privacy. Although it wasn't the incident he was speaking of, fortunately for Harry, when it came to Severus, he had plenty of confrontations to choose from.

"We had an argument and ended up exchanging Unforgivables," Harry said evenly.

Hermione gasped. Ron's mouth flew open.

Realizing that neither of them could speak, Harry continued, "Anyway, it turned out that Severus was teaching me a lesson about how to cast Unforgivables."

Finding his voice, Ron breathed, "Wicked!"

Hermione turned to Ron, incensed, and said indignantly, "You think Harry casting Unforgivables is cool but him being in love is horrible?"

"It's Snape!" Ron replied.

Hermione sighed and turned back to Harry, "Go on Harry. So what happened then?"

"Well, it's…"

"Complicated," Ron filled in.

"Yeah. Well, there's been a lot of tension between me and Severus recently and after these…incidents, Dumbledore lost patience with both of us and sort of threw us together to talk about it. In fact, he locked me and Severus in the dungeons for the Holidays so we could begin working out some of our difficulties."

Ron was incredulous now. "You were in the dungeons with him for the whole Holidays?" Realization spread over Ron's face, then revulsion. "Are you two…? Oh my God!"

Harry was quick to correct Ron. "Actually no, we're not. BUT, I want to, Ron." Ron's eyes went wide in horror. "Severus isn't ready and I'm respecting his wishes."

"What? _Snape_ rejected _you_?"

"Yes, Ron," Harry sighed.

"That's good. Then you're not together…that's good. And no one knows – thank God!"

"It's not good that we're not together, Ron!" Harry said angrily. "I love Severus, and that's not going to change."

"And you think he _loves _you?"

"Well, he hasn't said it yet, but I think he does," Harry said confidently, carefully masking his own uncertainty on that point. "And just so we're clear, I do consider myself _with _him now. Our relationship just isn't…sexual at the moment."

Ron looked like he was going to be sick. "Uggh Harry! Don't say that! Why would you want that? He's a disgusting greasy git!"

"RON!" Hermione yelled, her temper rising.

Harry remained oddly calm, "No, he's not and don't ever say that to me again. Severus is the most amazing person I've ever known. And I love him very much. And I don't _care _if the whole school knows that." Ron looked horrified. Harry continued, "But unfortunately, they can't, because that would compromise his spying on Voldemort for the Order. So you two have to promise not to say anything to anyone about this."

"Of course," Ron and Hermione said, but clearly for different reasons.

Hermione spoke, "Harry, I'm so happy for you and Professor Snape. So you both worked things out over Christmas then?"

"Well," Harry began hesitantly, "it's a work in progress. He's still going through a lot – you know at least part of what I'm referring to. And regarding _us_…well, I'm still working on him about that. It's…very difficult. I'd like it very much though, after we work through some of this stuff, for you two to get to know him. Maybe we could all have dinner or something with Severus in his quarters?"

"That's sounds wonderful, Harry. _We_ would both love to!" Hermione said, nudging Ron. "Just let us know when." Hermione gave Ron a more forceful nudge.

"Listen mate, I don't understand this…but you know I've always got your back."

"Thanks, Ron." Harry had the strangest feeling Ron would be going to see Dumbledore later that night. That would be a funny conversation indeed. Harry turned to Hermione, "Hermione, thank you so much for everything."

Hermione gave Harry a hug and whispered, "He'll come around. You know how he is. I'll work on him. I'm really happy for you, Harry."

"Thanks, Hermione."

Harry felt relieved to finally have confided in his best friends about his feelings for Severus, and the arrangements he had made to spend more time with him. Now all he had left to do was tell the man himself!

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The first week of classes went by quickly and without much event. But Potions on Tuesday was somewhat more of an adventure. Harry thought it would be awkward being suddenly thrust back into the previously well-defined teacher-student relationship after all that he had been through with Severus. But Harry found he did not have time to feel uncomfortable. He spent a good amount of the time studying the man surreptitiously, trying unsuccessfully to gauge his temperament. He wondered if Dumbledore had gotten around to speaking with Severus about the many delicate issues he knew they were to discuss, and if so, what his reaction had been. Harry couldn't imagine that it had been good.

Hermione leaned over to Harry and whispered, "He's looking so much better, Harry. He looked positively awful before the Holidays."

"Yeah, I think maybe he's finally getting more sleep."

"So Harry, what are you planning on doing about your feelings for him?"

"I have no idea, Hermione," Harry confessed, realizing all too well that he needed to come to a decision on just that.

"Have you seen him at all since you left the dungeons four days ago?"

"Not in private no," Harry began. "But I think he's been taking his meals with Dumbledore. I haven't seen either of them in the Great Hall for dinner."

Catching site of the pair whispering, Snape quickly disrupted their conversation with his usual sarcasm, "I suppose since the both of you are _chatting_ in my class, you have finished your potions and are ready for me to grade them?"

"No, Professor. Sorry." Hermione and Harry said, almost in unison.

"If I catch either of you two talking again it'll be detention for the rest of the week. And Potter," he began, giving Harry a long narrow-eyed stare, "I expect a perfect potion from you. Don't disappoint me with your usual shoddy efforts."

"Yes, sir," Harry said. Harry noticed that Malfoy was smirking at him and Harry did his best to look annoyed, but inside he was smiling at Severus's comment. It sounded like an insult, but Harry knew what Severus meant by it – that he believed that Harry was capable of a perfect potion. And, of course, Severus expected no less than his best from him.

Ron leaned over to Harry and whispered, "Yeah mate, I can see the love. It's just all warm and cozy in here."

"Shut up, Ron!" Harry and Hermione both whispered forcefully.

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**A/N:** Apologies for the shorter chapter – but once again, it just worked out that way. So folks…only two chapters left! I say that with a mixture of excitement and sadness.

I want to thank all my reviewers for their faithful support throughout and for keeping the comments coming. Yes…I'm a feedback hog…especially when I get to hear what you liked (specifically) about a given chapter!

So…I've been told by many people, my faithful beta Kelei included, (**thanks Kelei** for all your work!) that I should write a sequel to this story. I admit that there is potential for a sequel: we are only half way through Harry's last year, Voldemort remains undefeated, Severus still has a long way to go in dealing with his trauma, and there always will remain more to do with these two (no matter what I decide to do with them at the end – no, I'm not telling!). I would only consider writing a sequel, however, if I got struck with a naggingly interesting plot idea. Hence, many many months from now, but keep an eye out. That said…I hope you will all enjoy the end of my story (which is fast around the corner) and find it rewarding as an end unto itself. I do!

I hope you found this chapter cute and hopefully even funny – I always enjoy a little canon Ron and Hermione to round things out.

So, what's next? In the next chapter, Harry pays Severus a visit in the dungeons on Friday right after classes let out (yes, he skips dinner - this must be love!). He's got something _very_ important to say. (With that enticement, I beg for your patience on chpt 31 - I am so busy these days...trust me I hate it as much as you do when life interferes with HP!)

Please don't forget to **review**! - you shan't get very many more chances and I am so eager to hear your opinions :)


	31. Let me show you what I think of you

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 31: Let me show you what I think of you**

Harry made his way to the dungeons Friday evening right after he was dismissed from his last class of the day. It had been a full week since he had been alone with Severus and he found himself filled with nervous excitement – eager, yet apprehensive, to see and speak with him. But if the 9 days of confinement with Severus Snape had taught Harry anything, it was that this wasn't going to be easy. He only hoped that Dumbledore's advice and words of encouragement would carry him through.

The wards granted Harry access to Snape's quarters as he expected. But since Severus wasn't expecting him, Harry knocked on the door to the sitting room and opened it only after he heard the terse, "Enter."

When Snape felt his wards grant entrance to someone, he had assumed it was Albus, who had become a fixture in these rooms of late. Snape was more than a little surprised to see Harry Potter standing in his quarters again and it could not have been plainer on his face. Speech momentarily left him, but he regained it quickly with his sarcastic whip.

"Have you missed my endearing company already?" Snape drawled with heavy sarcasm.

"Actually yes," Harry said with a smile on his face.

"Why are you here?" Snape asked tersely.

"It's all business with you, isn't it? Well firstly, I wanted to discuss the arrangements for my lessons. Can I come in by the way?" Harry asked somewhat sheepishly.

Snape rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you are actually waiting for an invitation. You've never had the courtesy before."

"Well maybe. But this is a bit awkward," Harry admitted before stepping inside.

"Why? Because the two of us were walking about sloshed and half-naked several nights ago?" Snape asked incisively, with a smirk playing on his lips.

"Maybe," Harry began with a smile. "As I was saying…the last few weeks after my lessons, I would occasionally fall asleep down here and stuff. And after speaking with Professor Dumbledore, I realize that I can't keep doing that because people might start getting suspicious," Harry said. Snape cursed himself inwardly as he felt his throat tightening. Harry continued, "Especially if I'm here on nights when I don't have lessons."

Snape barely registered the last part. All he knew was that Harry had told him he could not remain in his quarters any longer than was necessary. _What did you expect Severus? It's back to life as usual. Did you really expect him to stay and hold your hand at night?_ Snape drew himself further into his shell – masking the sting with his annoyance.

"I'm perfectly aware that you should not be down here past curfew. I don't understand why you are telling me this. Why are you here?" Snape asked again, this time with something akin to a growl.

"I wanted to spend some time with you."

"We already had our forced cohabitation, Potter," Snape replied coldly.

"Stop it, Severus. I enjoyed our time together."

Snape snorted and spat contemptuously, "I don't need your pity."

_Damn he's closed himself up tight,_ Harry thought. He replied kindly, "It's not pity, Severus."

"Don't lie to me," Snape said savagely, his eyes darkening with anger.

"Fine. I won't. I could have left at any time."

"Excuse me?" Snape asked, unable to keep the confusion from his face.

"I _said_, I could have left at any time. Dumbledore confined _you _to the dungeons, not me. Granted he came up with the whole idea, and he asked me to do it. I thought he was barmy at first, but he convinced me to try it for a while. He told me if I wanted to leave after three days time, I could. Obviously, I didn't."

_He stayed of his own volition? Don't you dare think it, Severus!_

Snape's reply was not nearly so kind. He sneered mockingly, "How very noble of you, Potter! You're a Gryffindor through and through." And barely a tick later, Snape spat nastily, "What…did you think you could _save _me, Potter?"

"Damn you! Do you have to be such an arse?" Harry took a moment and replied with forced calm, "Please stop doing this, Severus."

"What?"

"Blocking me out again."

"Why you little fuck! You think you have me figured out, don't you?" Snape snarled with a menacing wide-eyed glare, incensed to no end by Harry's calm.

Harry laughed at that. "Not in a _million _years, Severus. But I have myself figured out. I have for a very long time now. And I know what I want."

"Pray tell. What is it that you want?" Snape asked in angry exasperation.

Harry took a deep breath and said firmly, "You. I want you."

_Me? He wants me? _Snape felt his lungs tighten slightly, but he kept his gaze steady, his voice firm. "You can't have me."

"Why not?"

Now it was Snape's turn to take a deep breath. "I admit…the hard feelings between us have dissolved somewhat." Snape hesitated a moment, but decided that however uncomfortable it might be to admit his feelings, candor was in order. "Dare I say it…I hope that we have developed a friendship. If you choose to continue it, then I shall consider myself a fortunate man and we will have to be content with that. More…is impossible."

"Why?"

"You know why," Snape whispered in a low voice.

Harry took a few steps forward. "Severus, I want to be with you. You didn't believe me when I told you that before. But now…now I think you have to admit that I have a pretty good idea of what I'm getting myself into. Don't you think?"

Snape couldn't believe the words that had just left Harry's mouth. Harry still wanted him – him! It was too good to be true, and his mind attempted to crush down the hope that was rising rapidly in his heart.

"This is ridiculous. How could you possibly want me? I'm your ugly snarky bastard of a Professor. What would your friends say?" Snape asked, trying unsuccessfully to make his voice sound harsh, realizing too late that it sounded more like a plea.

"Don't even go there, Severus. This is so far beyond them now."

Snape's eyes lit up in triumph, ready for a retort, but Harry cut him off, "But I've already told them."

"What? Told them? Told them what?" Snape asked incredulously. _He told his friends about me?_

"I told them…that I wanted to be with you and that you were pushing me away. I told them that despite the fact that you're pushing me away…that I consider myself _with_ you already. I told them that I didn't care if the whole school knew. And…" Harry paused, taking a measured breath, "And I told them…that I love you."

Snape's body froze completely and he felt his heart still in his chest.

"Ww…what?"

"I love you, Severus. I've loved you for a very long time now."

Snape's brain was working extra hard to process Harry's words – words Severus Snape never thought he would hear. Not from anyone. And certainly not from someone he loved, certainly not from Harry.

"I don't deserve your love, Harry."

Harry studied Severus carefully, before replying with a hint of humor, "Well that's a new one. I suppose this is progress. I was expecting, 'you can't possibly.'"

Snape said nothing in response, staring at the young man in front of him in disbelief – suddenly so mature, calm and collected, and changed.

Harry pressed on. "You're wrong, you know. You do deserve my love," Harry said gently and closed the distance between them with a few short steps. He reached his hand out and lightly stroked Snape's cheek.

Snape stiffened sharply at the contact, and cursed his weakness at not withdrawing sooner from the touch. Steadying himself, Snape began, his eyes clearly full of pain, "Harry…how could you…how could you possibly want that? After the things…the things…"

"They are forgiven, Severus. Don't you remember?"

"Forgiven perhaps, but not forgotten. I've tainted things between us. Can't you understand that?"

"No you haven't. You showed me the truth. And over the week we spent together, you've revealed yourself to me – you've shown me at least part of your pain. And that was so brave of you, so incredibly brave, braver than I could ever be. I'm not naive, Severus. I know there is so much more you…we…need to work through – that this is just the beginning. But I want to do it together. I want to be there for you."

Snape's expression reflected the myriad of complex emotions that he was experiencing at that precise moment. Snape met Harry's gaze fully, and spoke slowly, with resolute determination, willing him to understand, "Harry. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you say that—"

"I don't want to hear the word 'but,' Severus."

"_However_…for us to be together…it's impossible."

_Impossible_. Harry had grown to hate that word. "Why?"

"You don't understand, Harry," Snape said in a muffled whisper, his head dropping slightly in a gesture Harry recognized as shame.

Snape realized his voice was on the verge of cracking. This was too painful to say. He couldn't say it. He had barely begun to face this himself – this idea, this gruesome reality. Saying it out loud would make it real – but he knew he needed to. Because he needed to make Harry understand.

"I'll very likely have to…have to…go to _him_ and…and…" Snape stopped, trying to stave off hyperventilation as the mere thought entered his mind, hoping against hope that he wouldn't crumble right then and there in front of Harry.

Snape waited for it – the look of horror on Harry's face. The look of revulsion when Harry realized that he would, in all likelihood, have to enact the same perverted game with Voldemort again. Snape waited for it.

But it never came. Snape didn't know that Harry already knew. That he had, in fact, suspected early on. Dumbledore had not even needed to explain it to him. And, yes, it hurt him – it hurt him deeply to know that Severus would have to face that again. And now, looking at the man before him, Harry could feel Severus's torment, his self-loathing. On the verge of tears himself at the magnitude of Severus's anguish, he spoke with soothing fortitude, begging Severus to see the truth in his words.

"I know, Severus. I know. But this time, you'll have me to come home to. And while you're there…with _him_…you'll carry the knowledge that I love you more than anything else in this entire world."

_This can't be real. You have to be dreaming, Severus. _With deliberate effort, Snape forced himself to meet Harry's eyes. His voice, all but lost in his throat, came out in a hoarse whisper, "How can you possibly not be disgusted by that…by me?"

Harry could see the depth of Severus's pain in that single gaze. He had never seen it before – all of their previous conversations had been conducted in the relative safety of dark. But here it was. And it was unmistakable – Severus, vulnerable and open, as he never thought he could be, as Harry never thought he would see him. And in that second, which seemed to last a lifetime, Harry felt his stomach clench and his lungs tighten as what was so plainly in front of him. He found himself overwhelmed once more by what this man had suffered, _was _suffering, and now, would continue to suffer. And he did not know – he could not fathom – how Severus managed to carry on – to breath, to exist – with that kind of agony eating away at him.

Knowing he had but a second before Severus slipped back into that artificial gaze of indifference, Harry stepped forward and seized him in a fierce embrace – desperate to ease one ounce of Severus's pain, to lift but a hint of his burden.

Harry could feel the tremors coursing through Severus's body as he held him. He waited for them to subside before he stepped back.

"Let me show you," Harry said with fervid sincerity. "Let me show you what I think of you, Severus."

Knowing full well that words could only get him so far, Harry reached down and took Snape's left hand in his own. Then slowly, while alternating his gaze between the man's astonished stare and the actions of his fingers, Harry pushed back Snape's robe and began undoing his left cufflink.

Snape watched with wide-eyed terror as Harry opened his sleeve. He fought the rising panic within him, resisting the urge to bolt from the room.

The sleeve fell open and Harry caught sight of Snape's Dark Mark – the sinister image embedded in his flesh contrasted sharply against his pale skin. Snape instinctively tried to pull away, but Harry tightened his grip on his left hand and said firmly, "Don't move."

Very slowly, with measured care he hoped would ease Severus's intense discomfort, Harry bent over slightly and brought his lips to the exposed forearm. Snape released a shocked hiss, a sound akin to pain at the contact, his entire body jerking in protest to what Harry was doing.

Harry stopped momentarily, looked Severus in the eye and whispered, his breath playing against the Mark, "I love you, Severus. Every part of you. All of you." Returning once again to his task, he began placing warm, delicate kisses all along the black image, from the top of the skull all the way down to the head of the serpent, methodically covering every centimeter of marked skin.

Inexplicably, Harry's words seemed to take away what little fight remained in Snape's tired body. He obeyed and stood still as Harry's lips worshipped the forearm he detested, and had hid for so long – his mind too stunned, too awed, too exhausted, to do anything but feel.

Harry could sense Severus's profound disbelief at what he was doing, what he was saying. But with uncharacteristic patience, Harry was prepared to do anything and everything to make Severus believe.

Standing up straight, Harry took a step forward and closed what little distance remained between them. Reaching up and placing his hands behind Severus's neck, he pulled the man's face down slightly towards his own, compensating for their height difference. Severus was more than a little surprised when Harry did not kiss him. Instead, Harry leaned in and rested his cheek against Severus's. Neither was aware of how long they remained like this, unmoving, Harry's nose buried into the side of Severus's neck, inhaling the scent he had so missed. The intimacy of this moment was not lost on Severus. Harry broke the contact only to brush his lips against the whole of Severus's face and neck, in soft almost feathery touches.

Snape marveled at the deliberateness of Harry's actions – so calm, controlled, so unrushed – nothing like the urgency he had seen from this young man just three months prior. This was different – Severus could feel it.

Harry wondered if Severus understood. Wondered if Severus could feel his tacit message. He spoke the words, just in case. Snape could feel the vibration against the base of his throat as Harry spoke, and then felt the words again mingled with Harry's hot breath in his ear, "I love you."

Harry reached his hands up to Snape's shoulders, and began pulling off the man's heavy outer robe. Snape's eyes widened slightly, but he made no move to stop the young man. Harry wondered whether Severus's silence was derived more out of curiosity or panic. Harry did not mistake it for calm. He could feel Severus's anxiety – although he had already dispelled much of it, he was determined to take it all away, if only for a moment.

Tossing aside the mass of black fabric that in his estimation weighed too much to be comfortable, Harry noted that although Severus remained fully clothed, the outline of his body was much more visible under the perfectly pressed black trousers, the black button-laden waistcoat and the crisp white shirt.

Harry raised his hand once more and delicately tucked away a stray lock of Severus's hair behind his ear before placing a soft, tender kiss on the exposed cheek. And then, with an almost strange slow thoughtfulness about him, Harry pressed his lips to Severus's – their first kiss in nearly three months.

The kiss was gentle, loving, languid. Harry was amazed at how very familiar it was, and yet how, at the same time, it was something new and exciting – a rediscovery of sorts. A moment later, Harry allowed his tongue to graze Severus's lower lip and felt him shiver in response.

Snape squeezed his eyes tightly shut at the feeling of Harry's lips pressed against his once more, at the feeling of Harry's tongue now delicately stroking his lower lip, asking for entrance into his mouth. Snape's mind was reeling with what was certainly too many conflicting thoughts. Everything from a confused, _How can this be happening,_ to a terrified, _Please let this not be happening_, to an exhilarated, _Oh Merlin, please let this be real._ But the latter seemed to win out at the moment as Snape, his heart threatening to leap out of his chest, granted Harry what he desired.

And even though it had been so long, and although neither Harry nor Severus had forgotten what the other tasted like, they both groaned as their tongues connected, each surprised at the exquisiteness of it – a confirmation that they had not dreamed the perfection of their previous encounter.

A long moment passed before Harry broke the contact. If Snape was surprised by Harry's abrupt release, he did not show it, and he remained perfectly still, eyeing Harry with polite (if slightly breathless) curiosity. Harry leaned back and studied Snape carefully. Satisfied that Severus was not about to bolt and that he had, in fact, enjoyed this 'first' kiss as much as he had, Harry felt overcome with an urge to explain, to describe how much that kiss had meant – how long-awaited it had been. Unable to find the right words, this time he lunged at unsuspecting man, grabbing him forcefully around the waist, pressing their chests together as their mouths collided.

The ensuing kiss was fiery and passionate – as Snape did not know Harry could be. And Harry's message to Severus was all too clear. _I don't want to go another day without you, Severus_, Harry thought. But the words remained trapped inside his mouth. Whether it was because of faith or fear, Harry did not know.

Slowly, precisely, Harry snaked his hand underneath Snape's shirt, placing his palm over the small of his bare back. The movement of his hand may have been restricted due to the tightness of Snape's waistcoat, but Harry did not care – it was the first real bit of skin contact he had had with Severus. And he prayed that it would not be the last.

Trapped in this uncertain embrace, neither was aware of time, neither knew if these brief moments may have been seconds or minutes or hours – finite or infinite. And it did not matter. Because in this instant, they had paradise. Harry increased his hold on Severus, pressed his cheek against Severus's clothed chest and began whispering love-filled declarations, worshipful words and inexplicable longings.

Snape, for his part, remained motionless, and it seemed to Harry that the man was suspended in some sort of fog. And Harry hoped against hope that it would never clear. Snape wondered momentarily through his haze what he should do with his hands – push Harry away or pull the young man tighter against him.

Snape managed to look down at the keen boy, who was now rubbing his face, almost writhing, against his chest, whispering something to him – words that he could not discern. Words that he was certain he was not ready to hear. Words whose meaning would remain unknown to him for a long time to come.

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A/N: **Please review.

Okay, so apologies for the slower update - your continued patience will be required for my final updates. But that sad news notwithstanding, I also have good news! I lied to you all - inadvertently. Instead of one more chapter to go….as I promised, there will actually be 3 more (34 total). Two reasons: first I decided to add an extra chapter and secondly, the next chapter was originally intended to be part of this chapter, but since this was pretty long already and it was taking so long to write, I decided to update and not leave you all hanging without anything for too long. So please forgive the 'cliff-hanger' of sorts…it was either that, or another two weeks before I released a mega-long chapter.

To my beta **Kelei**. Thank you for turning this out so quickly…and for her persistent IMs demanding that I write write write.

To all my reviewers….hugs! Thanks to everyone who expressed their patience for my slow updating - and even encouraged me to take my time! Wow! That must be a sure sign you like me!

I ask that you aren't too harshwith me for being mean to SS. Trust me, I hated my sadistic realism (albeit for an admittedly short while) in forcing our poor broken Severus to continue his little perverted games with Voldemort, but a) I hate fairy tale endings and b) sequel!

In the next chapter (32)….Will Harry's soothing words and declarations of love be enough for Severus? Is more coaxing required or is SS determined to push HP away? Stay tuned…

Please review.


	32. Without a second thought

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings:** R+-rated Slash content, Strong language.

No flames... _(Although if you don't know by now that this story has Slash in it, there is something wrong with you! - but do NOT read if you don't like!)_

_Serious citrus fruit stuff ahead!_

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A/N:** FYI - this is a censored chapter. Link to **full text** on my profile page.

It wouldn't hurt to refresh your memory of the last chapter, since this chapter is a continuation of the same scene. I apologize for it being so long. Oh, and please read the above warning if you've skipped it.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 32: Without a second thought**

Severus Snape was not a man who 'got caught up in the moment.' He was not a man who got lost in sensation or feeling. He certainly was not a man who listened to, cared about, or was affected by romantic words or affectionate gestures. It seemed, therefore, that at this very moment, Severus Snape was not himself.

For the past few minutes, amidst astonishing admissions of love and unexpected demonstrations of passion, Snape found that he was caught in a haze – a haze that just happened to be Harry Potter.

Here he stood, with this young man whispering against his form, Harry's face rubbing, all but writhing, against his chest. The murmuring, which had begun as a low whisper, had transformed into a sort of high-pitched keen and was becoming more and more insistent, betraying an unmistakable fearful anxiety also evident from the desperate movements of Harry's body. A body that was begging for contact, however minimal, with him.

Aware of Harry suddenly reaching for the very top button of his waistcoat, Snape felt his whole body stiffen sharply. But he didn't move, heeding Harry's earlier words to remain still – leaving him both startled and puzzled by his acquiescence.

Harry, worrying, or perhaps sensing that Severus was about to halt his progress – or at least awaken from whatever lust filled coma he had managed to place him in – tried desperately to keep things going. As he set to work on the multitude of buttons on the black coat, he punctuated each one with a question he hoped – he knew – would weaken Severus's resolve.

"Tell me you want me to leave…and I'll stop," Harry whispered.

Snape's head tilted slightly to the side and his eyes darkened such that Harry could all but see the words preparing to roll themselves off the man's tongue. Harry felt like he was going to be sick.

"Severus," he interjected angrily, "don't make me ask you to take Veritaserum."

Harry could tell that that had not been the right thing to say, that Severus did not take kindly to the threat. The man's gaze had now morphed into a furious glare. Harry did not know if Severus was angry because he had had the gall to presume what he was going to say or if his anger stemmed from the suggestion to take Veritaserum. Harry didn't care.

It had taken less than a millisecond for his plan to backfire. Initially having hoped to exert some measure of control over Severus, Harry realized that Severus was – and always would be – the one in control. Whether conscious or subconscious, overt or tacit, this man held a power over Harry that he himself did not understand. And Harry realized, he didn't want it any other way – as long as he was with him.

"Damn it! Don't do this to me!" Harry shouted back, responding hysterically to Severus as if the man had spoken, violently grabbing the front of Severus's waistcoat in his clenched fists. Harry was shaking uncontrollably now, more himself than Severus. The force and anger of his movements were belied entirely by the tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Don't you fucking dare!" Harry spluttered loudly, trying desperately to regain control even as he felt his world closing in around him. "Don't you dare shove me away like this!"

And suddenly the demand turned into a begging whimper as Harry thrust his tear-stained face against Severus's chest once again, "Please don't…oh my god, please don't…"

Realizing how wayward his plan had gone, how horribly his composure had crumbled, Harry cursed himself silently as he wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. And with as much confidence as he could muster, he continued once again in his task of unbuttoning Severus's waistcoat, trying desperately to steady his now severely trembling hands.

"Tell me you weren't hoping I'd come and see you…and I'll stop," Harry resumed, his voice distinctly more hoarse than it was mere moments ago.

This time, Snape made no indication that he was going to respond as Harry worked on another button.

"Tell me you didn't want me to kiss you…and I'll stop."

No response.

"Tell me that week we spent together meant nothing…and I'll stop."

No response.

"Just tell me you don't…l…feel anything for me…and I'll stop."

Damn! The word _'love'_ had very nearly rolled off his tongue! Thank Merlin he'd caught that! Severus's love was not something that Harry was the least bit certain of and he definitely didn't want the man to tell him to stop.

Harry knew very well that he was taking a big risk. Because even if he could succeed, even if he could take advantage of this moment – Severus's brief, but significant surrender of control – he did not know where that would leave him when all was said and done…when reality returned. But he didn't care. Because right now this was what he wanted. To show Severus how much he wanted him, how very much he loved him.

As his fingers continued their work, Harry soon realized the process of removing Severus's waistcoat was far more arduous than he had anticipated. The narrowness of each buttonhole seemed utterly too ridiculous to be practical, and he was beginning to think this task might very well take an eternity. But his primary concern at the moment was that given enough time, Severus might very well snap out of his haze and reconsider what was happening between them in the first place. Harry glanced up at the man as he struggled with another button, barely a third of the way down and noticed, to his terror and relief, that Severus was smirking at him.

"You could help me you know," Harry said, trying to hide his agitation.

"You told me not to move," Snape whispered, in a matter-of-fact reply.

"And you pick now to listen to me?" Harry replied playfully, hoping to dispel some of his own and Severus's anxiety with humor. Apparently it had some effect because Snape clutched his wand through his trousers and the very next moment, all the buttons were undone.

Harry smiled, and then feeling the slightest chill on his back realized that Severus had removed his shirt completely. Harry was ready for cry foul, but when he looked up and noticed Severus's shamelessly pointed gaze at his naked chest, he decided that it would serve him best to remedy the unfairness before him, rather than start an argument.

Moving forward, Harry made quick work of the buttons on Severus's pressed white shirt, despite the distraction of feeling the man's hands rubbing his back. Harry leaned in and soon the two were kissing again, their lips meeting so softly, the tips of their tongues seemed almost to be communicating. As they parted, Harry managed to finish pulling off Severus's shirt, leaving both men standing clad only in their trousers.

Harry realized his mouth was probably open, and he knew he eyes were certainly ogling. He knew he loved Severus. He knew that whatever Severus looked like, he would love his body. But he hadn't been expecting this. Perhaps he should not have been too surprised given the fact that he had spent over nine days in close quarters with man, had even wrapped his arms around him. Nonetheless, he was left breathless with the vision of Severus Snape that stood before him.

Severus's chest was well muscled and was framed by broad shoulders and perfectly formed arms. The smooth expanse of creamy skin was interrupted only by sparse hairs around his nipples and an enticing trail of black hairs leading from his belly button down to the edge of the trousers that Harry couldn't help but stare at.

"My god…you're beautiful," Harry whispered, almost to himself.

Registering a derisive snort, Harry took a quick step forward and pressed his chest against Severus's, and they both groaned at the first unprecedented skin contact. As their lips found each other again, Snape couldn't remember how he had suddenly found himself lying on his plush wool rug in front of his hearth, with Harry Potter on top of him.

But with that, reality flooded back in full force. Snape felt Harry begin pressing delicate kisses all along his chest, the boy's hands moving a bit more urgently over every inch of exposed skin.

_What are you doing, Severus? _he asked himself.

Another part of his mind answered, _Shut up_.

_He says he **loves** you, Severus! Are you ready for this?_

_I don't bloody well care_, the other part responded.

_Tell him to stop, Severus._

_No._

_Have you even thought about what this means? He was crying hysterically against you just a few minutes ago! Tell him to stop. _Damn reality!

"Harry…" Snape began, but found himself unable to finish his half-hearted attempt to force Harry to stop. Instantly, he noticed strange noises emanating from the young man straddled over him. Harry, who was so entranced by Snape's body, was oblivious to the man's sudden outburst. Instead, Snape heard Harry making noises of his own, noises that were a bit too akin to Parseltongue for Snape's liking. He listened closer, and recognized the unmistakable sibilant hisses. His heart sped up at the sound and he felt himself harden – to his utter horror, Snape realized that these noises were driving him wild with arousal.

Determined to stop them, determined to snap some sense back into the boy, he snapped, "What in the bloody hell are you babbling about?"

Harry's head shot up and he blushed, realizing that he had been speaking in the unrecognizable tongue. A moment later, the words followed, this time in English, as Harry managed in a breathless demand, "I want you. I want you so badly, Severus. And I don't want to go another day without you."

Snape felt like he had been smacked in the face. He had expected Harry's next words to seem silly, to pale in comparison to the exotic hissing noises. Completely tongue-tied and loath to dismiss Harry's words, Snape dropped his head back down onto the hearth rug and closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he was here – half-naked on his sitting room floor, with Harry Potter lying on top of him, whispering affectionate adorations. And all the while, he could feel all of Harry's eagerness and curiosity focused exclusively on him. There was no denying it any longer – it was utterly intoxicating.

Relieved by Severus's momentary concession of control, Harry lowered his head and tasted Severus's nipples with the tip of his tongue, first licking them and then blowing his hot breath on them. A moment later, Harry let all his weight fall on top of Severus, each man now chest to chest. He placed his nose into the crook of Severus's neck and began licking, kissing and nipping every inch of flesh – all the while swearing, half in English, half in Parseltongue, his undying devotion to this man.

Snape gasped at the sensations – the ideal pressure of Harry's weight on top of him, the shivers emanating from his neck at each spot Harry kissed, the heat exploding from his chest with each area Harry's hands caressed.

There was no pain, no guilt, no shame in this. Only tenderness. The feeling of Harry around him, so warm, so perfect, so unlike anything he'd felt in such a very long time. Here was this young man offering him so much – so much that he didn't deserve, so much he never thought he could have. And it was impossible to fight it. Absolutely impossible.

For weeks, months – years, really – nothing but pain had filled his life. He would be mad to refuse this. He could not turn away this boy, this young man, offering him immeasurable comfort through gentle caresses and worshipping kisses. He may not have deserved this, Snape thought, but he could not turn it away. Not this second.

Positively starved for more skin contact, Harry shuffled off to the side and made very quick work of his trousers and the next instant set himself to removing Severus's before the man could register a protest. But for once, it seemed to Harry that Severus had lost the ability – or perhaps the desire – to speak. With each man clad only in their underpants, Harry repositioned himself flush against Severus's body, letting out a whimper that almost drowned out Severus's sigh of contentment at the feeling.

"I love you, Severus," Harry whispered.

Barely a moment later, Harry resumed his exploration of Severus's body, beginning with the neck he had left moments ago. He rubbed and kneaded the too stiff muscles on Severus's chest and arms, and after releasing the tension from each, Harry would kiss and nip tenderly at the flesh. Harry was careful not to miss an inch of skin before he moved on to one area he had been particularly eager to address. He kissed the line of black (surprisingly soft) hairs leading from Severus's navel to the edge of his underpants, making sure to concentrate his tongue at the very edge of the fabric for good measure.

Harry was captivated by the noises Severus was emitting, and he hoped that Severus felt as good as he sounded. Continuing his explorations further down, Harry kissed and stroked the tender flesh on the inside of Severus's thighs with his tongue, each kiss punctuated by a whisper or hiss affirming his undying love. With great effort, Harry carefully ignored Severus's erection, which was painfully tenting the man's briefs.

Harry nudged Severus to roll over and began the process anew on his lover's back, running his hands all over the smooth pale skin, taking care not to miss any spot. Despite not being able to see Severus's face, Harry was sure that the man was enjoying this. In fact, he seemed to be in a daze. And Harry savored every tremor, every gasp that he elicited as he made love to Severus's body with adoring kisses and tender caresses.

Through his haze, Snape couldn't help but be surprised and impressed at Harry ministrations. They were slow, deliberate…patient. Harry was taking the time to learn every part of him, to kiss every imperfection, to rub every muscle, to sanctify every curve. And every unspeakably gentle touch was his undoing. This wasn't sex. This was Harry…showing him. Making him believe.

Before Snape knew what had happened, he was on his back, with Harry lying on top of him once more. Harry could not contain his happiness at that moment. He wanted more, of course, but he had just done what he had most wanted to do – to touch Severus, to make him realize how deep his love truly ran. To show him that this was so much more than lust, and that it always would be. Harry began to shower Severus's face with warm, doting kisses, and drifted once again into the crook of his neck, which Harry realized at that moment had become for him more powerful, more seductive than any addictive drug could be.

Snape was aware that none of this should have felt this good. But it did. As Harry continued to kiss, lick, and touch him, he lost all concept, all awareness of time. With Harry sucking on a particularly sensitive spot on his neck, Severus felt shudders travel down his body. He opened his eyes and found himself transfixed by the sight of Harry – his breath heavy, his eyes wide and completely enraptured…with him. And in that moment, Snape knew he was lost – completely and utterly lost. And there was no going back.

And suddenly he felt this tremendous well of emotion break open, come flooding to surface. It was so powerful, so unexpected, so raw, he found himself wholly overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of the feeling. But somehow in that same moment, it was so clear. He knew. He knew he wanted this. He knew he _needed _this. And he could not let Harry go. Not again. Not ever again.

Snape was vaguely aware of Harry's body writhing against his own more insistently now, as though he were trying to get even closer. He understood the feeling. He wanted more as well.

"Severus, can you…" Harry whimpered, their eyes locking for a moment.

Snape did not need further instruction. With a muttered incantation, he wandlessly vanished their underpants with ease. Both men gasped at the same precise moment as their erections met for the first time. Harry adjusted himself ever so slightly, reveling against Severus's hardness.

Harry had been waiting for this moment for months. He had dreamed about it, he had prayed for it – and now it was here. Both of them, completely naked, their bodies pressed tightly together. And Harry found that his dreams had nothing on the reality of this moment. He was completely unprepared for the feeling, as his frenzied verbalizations affirmed.

"Oh my god…" Harry half-moaned, half-gasped. "Oh god, oh god, oh…" Harry last exclamation was lost in Severus's mouth, who had pulled Harry's mouth to his own in a gentle and tender kiss.

Neither moved immediately – both somehow keenly aware of the other's desire to extend this unbelievable pleasure, this paradise. Both lost in the sheer exquisiteness of touching each other this way for the very first time.

But it only took the smallest of experimental thrusts on Severus's part to snap both men out of their languid pleasure. Soon they were rocking together, savoring the contact. Their muscles strained from the unadulterated desire coursing through their bodies, each man overcome with the depth of the sensations, as they thrust heatedly, desperately against one another.

After another minute, Harry forced himself to stop moving. He would never have left this perfection but there was something else he wanted, something he'd been fantasizing about doing – a fantasy that he had in fact shared with Severus during one of their Occlumency lessons, before they had ever even gotten together.

As Harry scooted over to the side of Severus's body, he could barely contain his excitement as what he was about to see. Finally catching sight of Severus's erection, he felt sure his eyes must have been bulging. Harry couldn't help but lick his lips at the vision of it. He flicked his gaze back to Severus who was studying him with an expression of amused interest, the tiniest of smirks on his face. Harry found it irresistibly adorable.

Overwhelmed with curiosity as to how Severus would feel, Harry, with so little hesitation he surprised himself, reached out and wrapped his fingers around Severus's length. Harry barely registered Snape's groan of approval as he touched Severus the way he had been wanting to for so long now. As he squeezed and stroked Severus, he felt his own breathing speed up at the flush that had crept over the man's chest. The scent of Severus's desire was getting stronger in the air and it was driving Harry mad, making him desperate to fulfill the fantasy he had shown the man so many months ago.

Harry moved lower, his mouth inches from the man's erection. Severus, knowing full well what Harry was intending to do, was overcome by a moment of doubt.

"Harry…" Snape began.

"Severus, please. I want to," Harry said in earnest.

With a great deal of nervousness, but not without eagerness, Harry leaned down and flicked his tongue out tentatively. Harry was vaguely aware of Severus's sharp intake of breath above him, but at that moment, he was focused only on his first taste of Severus's arousal, and the thought caused his own erection to swell even more. It was strong, heady, somewhat bitter, but satisfying, and better than he could have imagined. Harry found himself eager for more – a sudden fervent hunger overcoming him.

Snape groaned at the exquisite sensations flooding over him; the soft pressure and heat of Harry's tongue along his erection left him nearly paralyzed. He shuddered slightly as Harry hit a particularly sensitive spot. Barely a moment later, Snape found himself gasping involuntarily as he felt himself encased in wet heat. He could hardly believe this was happening.

Harry was transfixed by the undeniable reaction his efforts were having on Severus – Harry thought he might come just then because of it. However uncertain Harry was in what he was doing, he continued his attentions on Severus's arousal, hoping that his enthusiasm compensated for his clear inexperience. But he was reassured by the delightful noises Severus was making above him. He wanted to hear more of those noises, he wanted Severus to scream and curse and moan so loudly his whole body shook. So Harry put himself completely into what he was doing, and tried his best to ignore his own aching erection. Because this was about Severus, about experiencing the singular privilege of giving this man pleasure in a way he never thought he would be able to. Harry's arousal intensified infinitely at the idea. And Harry realized that there was nothing he'd rather be doing.

Even as he tried to figure out a way to breathe, Harry quickly realized how much skill was involved in what he was doing. Despite his difficulties, Harry felt sure Severus was enjoying his attentions very much if his slightly arched back and deep moans were any indication. Each renewed Harry's deep and urgent desire to make this man finally come because of his touch.

Snape made sure to open his heavy eyes for a moment; he needed to look at Harry and he felt his breath give way at what he saw. For there could not have been a more tantalizing sight than his arousal in this young man's mouth – Harry's eager tongue, his hand wrapped tightly around the base of his aching length. The display caused his body to arch up involuntarily. It took a great deal of effort on his part to control his movements, but the last thing he wanted was to scare or discomfort Harry in any way.

Harry choked slightly when Severus had thrust his hips forward, and he found himself wishing that he had been able to adjust better. For a fleeting moment, Harry hoped that this wasn't the last time he'd be doing this – because he wanted Severus to show him what to do, how to do this properly. He desperately wanted time to learn everything – what Severus liked, what made the man go wild, and what drove him over the edge. Next time.

_Next time!_ Harry shut his mind from the thought as quickly as it came. He was here now. Now. And Severus's arousal was in his mouth and he was going to make the most of this moment. He was determined to focus on this and nothing else, because even if this was the last time, to Harry there could be no greater gift than to pleasure Severus this way, this once.

Almost as though the man had been reading his mind, Harry felt Severus weaving his fingers in his hair, adjusting his head slightly, and Harry loved it. He could feel Severus's tension as he struggled not to move, so he placed his hands on Severus's hips, steadying him, just as he began to move up and down Severus's length on his own, focusing on the heavy panting gasps emanating from above him. He took a brief moment to look at Severus, whom he had never seen look so perfectly wanton. His eyes were heavily lidded, his brow sweaty, and his lips were parted slightly, releasing soft whimpers. He was a gorgeous sight to behold.

Harry noticed the deep flush that had crept into the man's chest. A moment later, he heard Severus whimper, "Harry," and even as he tensed, he released his grip on Harry's head and grasped the woolen rug underneath him, his knuckles white. Harry was well aware that Severus was giving him permission to move away, but that was the last thing on earth that he wanted right now. He sucked harder, desperate to make one of his fantasies come true – he was about to make Severus Snape come.

Harry could feel Severus's erection swell even more, if that were possible. Moments later, Severus cried out Harry's name as he erupted inside Harry's mouth. Harry felt this strange sensation enter his chest even as he greeted the last pulses of Severus's orgasm. The most bizarre feeling of accomplishment had overcome him for what he had just done – an endorphin rush akin, albeit distinct, from a climax of his own.

Snape was caught in a wave of pure unadulterated bliss as his orgasm overtook him. He could feel Harry swallowing around him, and the thought him doing that awakened his senses, rapidly clearing his orgasmic fog, as he pulsed one last time. As he struggled to catch his breath, he used his remaining energy to prop himself up onto his elbow and look at the young man who had just given him such incredible pleasure.

Harry's heart skipped a long beat at the dark, licentious, almost predatory gaze Severus was leveling at him at this very moment. It seemed to stretch on forever – although he knew it must have only been seconds. Feeling not a little awkward, Harry reached his hand up to wipe his chin, but Severus grabbed his hand forcefully and stilled him.

Snape was unable to break his stare. His own fatigue was all that was stopping him from pouncing on Harry this instant. But he was glad, because he wanted to take in this stunning vision in front of him. Harry's lips swollen and red, his face messy from what he had just done. And as if that wasn't enough, there was the arresting look in Harry's eyes, which had seconds ago been an erotic mixture of triumph and burning lust, that had now been replaced with the boy's unmistakable uncertainty, captured in the whisper that was now crossing his lips.

"Was that okay?"

To this, Severus Snape took no time at all to answer.

"Merlin yes," he growled in a deeply primitive tone, while lunging himself at Harry.

Harry was not prepared for the suddenness, nor the force of Severus's assault. In an instant, he felt the man's arm around his waist, gripping him tightly, and then pulling him hard against his chest. With an almost primal growl, Severus claimed Harry's mouth in a bruising kiss, swallowing Harry's groan as his tongue met Severus's. The kiss was nothing like what they had had that evening, nothing like Harry had ever experienced before. It was needy, it was wild, it was savage.

Harry found himself gasping for breath when Severus disengaged for the briefest of moments, to fiercely attack his lower lip. Harry's eyes widened for a moment in surprise, but he did not have time to say or think anything more because a moment later, Severus's tongue forced itself back into his mouth, thrusting with renewed vigor.

It hit Snape with the force of a freight train – the taste of himself inside Harry's mouth. It was enough to send him over the edge, outside all normal realm of control. And suddenly he could think of no reasons, none at all, that he had been so hesitant to begin with. Because this was what he wanted…more than anything. Harry, in his arms, and at this moment, delirious under his touch. Harry, smelling like him. And now – _oh, yes_ – tasting like him too. Just the idea of it was driving him mad with renewed desire. He let out a guttural grunt even as he plunged his tongue further, twisting it inside Harry's mouth – searching, coaxing, licking.

Harry was somewhat taken aback by Severus's actions at first. But the more Severus's tongue probed and licked every bit of his mouth, the more his arousal intensified. And suddenly it was the most erotic thing Harry could ever conceive of – the way Severus was attacking him, moaning and growling loudly, the idea of him tasting himself inside his mouth after having pleasured Severus. Soon he found himself moaning back and needing…needing this so badly. There was nothing else but Severus now.

Harry couldn't quite breathe as he intermittently sucked air up through his nose, but he found even that did not matter to him anymore. Even as Severus's hand snaked up and fisted itself through Harry's hair, pulling at it forcefully, Harry reflected that this was so unlike any kiss he had ever fantasized about. It was brutal. It was so brutal it was almost frightening. Almost. Because this was the most hypnotic kiss Harry had ever experienced. There could not be any doubt as to Severus's unbridled rabid lust for him in this moment – it seemed as though the man wanted to devour him.

With lips bruised and bitten, Harry's world collapsed and he felt nothing but Severus's tongue hot and deep inside his mouth. He was completely lost in this man's power – drowning in ecstasy as Severus plundered his mouth, claiming him in this moment and into the next with this hard passionate kiss. Harry had never felt so owned, so completely and utterly possessed by another. Because this is what this was. Absolute, unqualified possession.

Harry all but squealed when he felt Severus's other hand grasp his aching arousal – first teasing the tip, followed by a few tentative squeezes before he began the blessed stroking. Harry would have whimpered if he could. Severus's movements were so controlled, neither fast nor slow. The man – whom by this point Harry thought surely must have some powers from Merlin – had somehow established a perfect rhythm to his strokes that played so distinctly against the kiss, leaving Harry unable to adjust to or anticipate the sensations.

To Harry's utter astonishment, as he had not believed it possible, Snape increased the force of the kiss – now nearly to the point of pain. Harry's mind reeled against the divine movements of Severus's body as he felt himself being pushed forcefully onto his back, with Severus's chest crushing against his own. But still, Severus kept one hand pumping his erection and the other fisting in his hair, their lips never breaking.

Harry would have screamed from the pleasure of it all had Severus's mouth not been dominating him so completely. It was hard to know where he should focus his attention. Severus's fingers were touching him with insidious skill, constant yet controlled strokes drawing out his pleasure. But the man's tongue was so forceful and possessive, and now fucking him with ruthless fervor and he struggled to breathe through the pleasure of it.

It didn't take long before Harry was reduced to a panting shuddering mass, thrusting uncontrollably into his lover's hand. Snape intensified his strokes to meet the urgency he sensed in the young man, as he continued to plunder Harry's mouth, who had fallen too limp to respond much at all with his tongue. Moments later, Snape could feel Harry still and tremble against him, as he felt the warm wetness spill into his hand.

Harry had never imagined feeling such bliss, and as his orgasm built up through him, he could feel it everywhere, seemingly bursting from his chest down to his toes, unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. Severus released his strangle hold on his mouth just as his body tightened. And when his climax ripped through him, it exploded from him with such force that he released a piercing scream. He had to remind himself to breathe, as he felt Severus continue to tug at his arousal, wringing every last drop of come out of him.

Aware of Harry's labored breathing, Snape moved off of Harry, not wanting to crush him. He studied the young man carefully, whose eyes remained closed. He placed a series of delicate kisses along the boy's now sweat-covered brow and Harry finally opened his eyes. Snape, noting the slightest bit of uncertainty mixed in with Harry's satiated haze, pulled Harry against him, his arms encircling him protectively. Harry seized the opportunity to snuggle into Severus's bare chest, entangling himself in Severus's arms. Briefly, both men tightened their grip, almost simultaneously, as if each was verifying the other's solidness, the other's presence – making sure that this was real. Snape murmured a wandless cleaning charm and after summoning a blanket from his bedroom, covered the two of them.

Despite Harry's post orgasmic haze, Snape could sense the tension emanating off the boy. He could feel Harry clutching to him desperately, his body becoming more rigid with unease with each passing second.

Harry was feeling exhausted, but his anxiety was keeping him awake – he would not let himself sleep until he finished what he had to say, until he knew what was going to happen next. The last time he had fallen asleep with Severus – on this very hearth rug, in fact – he had woken to a different man who had promptly ushered him out. He opened his mouth to speak.

But apparently Snape beat him to it, and began in a slow almost breathy whisper, "Harry…"

The sound of the soft voice made him close his eyes against the assault of it, as he tried to suppress the icy dread at the idea of being sent away. His chest was starting to ache, and he would not let Severus finish.

"I'm spending the night," Harry said in as much as a firm voice as he could manage.

Snape raised his eyebrows at the definiteness of Harry's demand. Snape started to speak, but Harry interrupted him again, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Snape asked seriously.

"Don't say it. I tried to explain this before but Professor Dumbledore arranged a room in the hospital wing for me," Harry said, watching Severus's eyes widen in astonishment. Harry wondered if he was surprised that he had requested the room or surprised that Dumbledore had agreed. "Besides Ron and Hermione, the school will think I'm staying there from time to time for my nightmares." Harry paused, tightening his hold on Snape's waist. He looked in the man's eyes and half-demanded, half-begged, "So don't make me leave."

"And how can you be so certain that that was what I was going to say?" Snape asked in amusement.

"An educated guess?" Harry ventured.

"Once again proving my point that you need to focus more on your education," Snape retorted.

"So you weren't going to send me away?" Harry asked with relief.

"No. I was going to tell you that there was no way I was going to let you leave me tonight."

"Thank god."

Snape quirked an eyebrow, his eyes blazing with something indefinable and said, "I must say, that was quite a speech you gave earlier. Such confidence."

Harry paused a moment before responding, holding Snape's gaze, "Would you be disappointed to know I was terrified the whole time?"

"Not at all," Snape said seriously. _That would make two of us, Harry._

"Hmm," Harry mumbled, as he settled him head into Snape's warm bare chest.

"Go to sleep, you silly boy," Snape whispered, wrapping his arms around Harry with possessive tenderness.

"Mmm…okay," Harry managed through his sleepy sated haze. "And I'm not taking that potion anymore either," Harry added, eluding to the anti-aphrodisiac the two men had taken when sleeping together in the past. Snape started to laugh softly and Harry embraced the man even tighter, reveling in that beautiful sound – that sound he had been longing to hear, wondering if he ever would. Severus laughing. And now, it was all his.

Harry promptly fell asleep, contented.

Laying here on his comfortable wool rug warmed by the hearth and the even greater heat of Harry's body, Snape's mind went back to a nearly identical moment, almost three months ago. True, he was fully dressed at the time, but he was lying with Harry on this very same rug, in almost the same exact position. Snape remembered how hard he had fought his post-orgasmic sleep then, desperate to stay awake and revel in the moment – a moment he had been sure would never come again. His mind drifted back to the tension of that night, when he had told himself to savor that blessing, because such perfection would not last long for a man like him. Now, he took in the young man wrapped firmly in his arms – smelling his scent, burying his nose in the hair on top of his head, gently running his fingers over the steadily rising and falling chest, and tightening his hold as much as he dared without awakening him.

Moments later, Severus Snape surrendered himself to sleep, without a second thought.

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A/N: **Please review.

Apologies for the huge delay on this chapter (at least I've delivered a long one! - my longest yet in fact!). I do have good excuses for the delay in case anyone is interested however...from looking for a new apartment in one of the most expensive areas in the US, to beginning the process of packing and moving (arg!), and then to starting my new overwhelming job, I have been absolutely swamped. I thank each and every one of you for your patience with me during this insane time in my life. FYI: There are 2 more chapters to go.

Note that this chapter has been censored (not removing any content, but detail). **Full text **will be available, but not until I finish the last 2 chapters and post the final bulk installment on ISF where you may read it, as well as any uncensored text that may follow in future chapters (evil grin!) I shall let you know when that's all up.

Thanks to **Kelei**, for getting this back to me so fast after I made her wait so long.

Thank you very much to all my reviewers…thanks for taking the time to let me know you're reading and what you like about each chapter. These comments are not only fun to read on my part, but also give me insight into what things you enjoy, etc. Especially since somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I am planning a sequel.

In the next chapter (33)…Are we in for an awkward, perhaps even difficult morning-after? NO! Not possible! Not with Severus Snape! ;) Well it's not exactly the morning after since they're both awake only 3 hours later - but you get the idea. Either way, much remains unsaid between these two.

Please review. Feed your hungry author!


	33. Happy Birthday, Severus

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 33: Happy Birthday, Severus**

Severus Snape was not aware of how long precisely he had been sitting at his desk, staring at its left uppermost drawer. Just that it had been too long. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts, that he did not even hear the rustling of the blanket over by the hearth, or see Harry waking.

Unnerved by Severus's absence, Harry sat up and put on his glasses. The first thing he saw was the grandfather clock in the corner, which told him that he had been asleep for nearly three hours. But the time was the last thing on his mind at the moment. Scanning the room, he noticed Severus dressed in his black silk robe, sitting over by his desk, apparently deep in thought. Harry watched him for a long moment before interrupting.

"Severus, what are you doing?"

"Nothing," Snape responded quickly. "Thinking," he added.

"Oh no. That's not good," Harry said gravely, with a faintest hint of sarcasm.

Standing up, Snape remained behind his desk, a safe distance from Harry as he spoke. "I'm not an easy man to live with, Harry."

"Oh, I know."

"And I'm not very likely to change."

"I wouldn't ask you to," Harry replied seriously, his anxiety heightened at the subject of this conversation. He half expected Severus to ask him to leave at any moment.

Snape quirked his eyebrow slightly at Harry's words. "And when it comes to…to…_this_," Snape said waving a hand between them, as if denoting their uncertain relationship, "I'm not very good at the sorts of things that are required – communication, trust, or compromise."

"No? I never would have thought!" Harry replied sarcastically.

Snape leveled a glare of mock anger at Harry. "Concerning what you said before…about staying here," Snape began hesitantly, "I am very surprised that Albus gave you permission. But I suppose given his love of interfering in my affairs, it only seems fit that he would do so. Nonetheless, there are other…factors which must be considered."

Harry gulped. He did not like where this was going at all. "Other factors?"

"I would require that you permit me to take full charge of evaluating your academic performance in _all_ of your classes. And I will expect exceptional marks from you."

Harry had anticipated just that. "Of course."

"And, most importantly," Snape began so ominously that Harry eyed him nervously again, "I would demand that you pick up after yourself while you are here and not be the utter slob you were last week."

Harry grinned from ear to ear, watching the smirk emerge on Severus's face. "Deal."

Snape moved from behind his desk and made his way over to the couch. "How frequently do you expect to stay here?" Snape asked as nonchalantly as he could. _Oh, but don't you just sound pathetically desperate, Severus?_

"I suppose as much as possible without it being too suspicious. But I'd definitely like to stay here with you for the next couple of weeks if that's all right," Harry replied, thinking about Severus's nightmares. He was about to ask about them, but Severus spoke first.

"I ordered us some dinner. I'm sure you're starving."

"Sounds great." Harry stood up and began fumbling with his clothes, feeling decidedly awkward standing in the middle of the sitting room naked.

Snape smiled fondly at Harry's modesty and a_ccioed _his green wool bathrobe from his bedroom, handing it to the young man.

"We will need to get you some pajamas. Ones that fit, that is. And perhaps a nice robe."

As the two tucked into dinner, Harry decided to broach the topic that had been on his mind for the past week since he had left Severus after their confinement. "Severus," Harry began tentatively, "how have the nightmares been?"

"Somewhat better," Snape replied vaguely.

Despite his discomfort, Harry pressed on. "I was wondering…about the…the…" Harry paused, silently berating himself for not even being able to say post-traumatic stress disorder aloud in front of Severus. "Well…about the…you know…"

"Your acumen with words never fails to astonish," Snape drawled with a smirk.

"Sorry. I just wanted you to know that I was the one that asked Professor Dumbledore about it. He would have never told me himself if I hadn't."

Snape looked up and met Harry squarely in the eye. "I know, Harry. We talked about it."

"And?" Harry asked nervously.

"And…I find it distinctly troublesome that_ you_ of all people were that discerning."

"I…uhmm…"

"Don't misunderstand me," Snape said, carefully dismissing Harry's anxiety. "I'm not upset – at least not anymore. Albus explained it to me – including his reasons for not telling me his suspicions about what was going on before he locked us up together." Snape added, a smirk creeping onto his face, "Apparently he thought if he had, I might have gotten angry or some such nonsense."

"Hmm, that's so unlike you," Harry replied with a grin.

"Indeed."

"And?"

"And we talked. _All_ week," Snape said, rolling his eyes meaningfully.

"Really?"

"Yes. He's making me talk to him about…" Snape stopped. "Well, he's making me talk. He told me it was either with him or some quack at St. Mungo's, so I agreed. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision," Snape said not unkindly, with an amused expression on his face.

Relieved that Severus seemed to be handling this fairly well, Harry asked, "So you're okay with that? Talking to Dumbledore, I mean?"

"You try arguing with the man," Snape said with an exaggerated huff. "I think my blood sugar is still elevated from all the sweets I ingested this week alone."

Harry was very curious to know what the two had been speaking about. But he asked simply, "Do you want to talk about?"

"Not particularly, no." Realizing that he might have sounded a bit harsh, Snape added, "Eventually, perhaps."

A short pause.

"But I do want to thank you for staying with me, Harry. Although you shouldn't think even for a moment that I'm letting you off scot-free for deceiving me the way you did about your _'forced'_ confinement with me," Snape said, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

"I didn't think you would," Harry replied with a smile. "And, Severus…I was happy to stay."

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After the pair finished their dinner, a small cake appeared on the coffee table, lit with a single candle.

"Happy Birthday, Severus," Harry said happily.

Stunned, Snape replied, "How did you—" and then realized, "Albus!"

"He told me just this morning, so I didn't have time to get you a gift."

Snape pulled Harry to him, kissing him gently on the lips. "I'm very happy with what I have."

"Glad to hear it," Harry replied. "But…I brought you something." Harry made his way over to his school bag and retrieved a rather raggedy looking notebook. "It's my journal since the end of last year. I'm sure that you'll find the beginning hysterical since it's about my failed real and not-so-real girlfriends, but I'm giving it to you for the rest of it."

Snape raised his eyebrows as a question.

"It's about you, Severus."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. Anyway, it's not much of a birthday gift, but unlike that Potions book I got you for Christmas, this didn't cost me a knut and I thought you'd like to have it."

"I am intrigued," Snape said before attempting to unward the journal. Snape beamed with pride as he realized that Harry had used three different complex security wards (some that used dark magic), all of which he had taught him. "You really protected this, didn't you?"

"I wasn't taking any chances."

After disabling journal's protective wards, Snape opened it somewhere near the beginning. His eyes widened at the first entry he read, written at the end of the last school year.

_**  
June 10:**_

_Snape has the sexiest voice ever. Today, he even made Potions ingredients sound hot! And the way he was staring at me in class got me all hard (even though I know it was only because I broke that jar of yarrow root). And I totally have to thank Hermione for pointing out how gorgeous his hands are – it's all I look at in class anymore._

_I can't stop thinking about what Ron said the other day, about Bill saying that Snape likes men. It can't possibly be true – I'm not that lucky. But I can dream about it._

_I have detention with him tomorrow. What I wouldn't give to have him push me against the desk, **his** desk, and have his way with me._

_  
Oh Merlin_, Severus thought. He had to admit, the idea of Harry on his desk, was quite…stimulating. He felt certain parts of him begin to reawaken at the mental image.

"My my my, Mister Potter! What kind of present have you given me?" Snape asked with a slight twinkle in his eyes. "A collection of your erotic fantasies?"

Harry blushed. Severus held his breath for the briefest of moments, noting that the faint tinges of pink of Harry's cheeks were positively becoming. He was definitely awake now.

"It's not all like that," Harry replied.

Snape continued reading the entry.

_  
I can picture it. "I've had enough of your insolence, Potter. It's time I taught you a lesson you'll not soon forget." His gaze is menacing as he stalks towards me, robes billowing as they do only for him. He wheels me around suddenly and bends me over his desk, my chest hitting with such force it momentarily knocks the wind out of me. His hand is in between my shoulders, pressing my chest against the rough wood, my face lying there limply. He leans forward and whispers in my ear in that low purr of his, "You need to be punished, Potter. How do you think I should do it, hmm?"_

_He turns my head slightly so I can see him, and he looks into my eyes as he speaks. He picks up a heavy ruler off his desk and hisses, "Perhaps I shall spank your arse raw. Maybe that will finally teach you to pay attention. Pull down your trousers and underwear." I hesitate, and he snaps, "Now, Potter, if you know what's good for you." I do as he says. As the cold air hits my buttocks, I feel so naked, and I know he is taking me in with his eyes. I feel myself harden at the thought and I hope he doesn't notice my erection. He does._

_"Ah, what's this?" he murmurs in my ear, "Perhaps I should forego the spanking and attend to your arse personally?" He leans forward, and my eyes widen as I feel him through his robes, so hard, pressing up against me. I try to get up, but his hold is firm, almost painful. His eyes are dark and they seem to eat up my fear._

_And then he moves away from view and I hear a rustle of robes behind me and I groan in fear and anticipation of what he is about to do. I can barely breathe and suddenly I feel him, behind me, waiting. And I tremble as he breaths against my neck, "Is this what you want? Is this what you've been thinking about in my class, you wanton little boy?" He pushes forward slightly and I gasp, "Yes, oh yes."  
_.

When Snape looked up, he noticed that Harry looked decidedly nervous.

With a pronounced spike in his respiration, Snape finally said, "That was certainly very…intriguing, Harry."

Harry smiled. "You liked it?"

"Hmm. I must say, I am looking forward to reading the rest of your journal," Snape commented with a dark glint in his eye, the idea of exploring Harry's explicit fantasies suddenly a very appealing one. He forced himself to stop reading the surrounding entries and flipped about a third of the way through the journal.

_**  
Sept 27:**_

_Last night was unreal. I had a horrible Occlumency lesson that ended with me crying on the floor, and somehow that turned into me kissing Snape and it was amazing (oh my god, his lips were so warm and soft – better than any of my fantasies). He almost killed me for kissing him, but it was worth it. I can't seem to concentrate anymore – I can't stop thinking about it. But the strangest thing is that I'm not thinking so much about the kiss. I keep remembering the way his mind touched my mind, so intimately, as he helped me bury that horrible memory. And I can't forget the way his arms felt around me as he cradled me to his chest, whispering softly in my ear that everything was going to be all right._

_I've always thought he was cold and cruel. But he was so gentle, so kind and compassionate – it stunned me. And I can't help but think that I really don't know him at all. But I know that I want to._

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Snape looked up at Harry once more, before replying dryly, "You are significantly more articulate in your written word, Harry. More evidence that you should think before you speak."

Harry pretended to look annoyed.

Snape flipped to the middle of the journal, to a dog-eared page. A heading at the top read: _'Things I know about you, Severus Snape.'_

"What's this?" Snape asked.

"You told me a long time ago, and repeatedly since then," Harry said, rolling his eyes, "that I did not know you. And since that day I've been making a list in my journal."

"Is this an academic endeavor?" Snape asked in amusement.

"Well it started out that way, but even the list turned into my ramblings."

Aware that Severus was about to begin reading, Harry put his hand on top of his and said somewhat nervously, "You should know…it's not all flattering, Severus."

"I wouldn't expect it to be, unless you were writing fiction," Snape remarked evenly and set his eyes to the first item on the list, his eyebrows raising slightly as he realized Harry wasn't kidding.

_**  
Oct 11:**_

_You are a major league asshole. I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe you were capable of kindness. You are unbelievably cruel._

_And yet…there is something behind your cruelness – I can't help but think it's shame. Is this all because I tried to pull up your sleeve? Is that why you ended it? That sounds almost silly._

_You insist that I don't know you – but how can I when you push me away? Sometimes I hate you._

_You said that what happened between us was a mistake. Maybe. But then it's the best mistake I've ever made._

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Snape flipped forward a few pages and felt a lump form in his throat when he realized the subject of Harry's next few entries, his rape.

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Nov 2:**_

_You hate me because of what I saw in my nightmare. I don't blame you. I wish I hadn't seen it either. I don't think I'll ever forget all that blood. I** know **I won't ever forget your face when you realized I knew._

_**  
Nov 4:**_

_You are in pain – terrible, terrible pain. I can't even imagine. And I HATE it that I can do nothing for you._

_You pretend that everything is fine – that you've somehow put this behind you. Who are you trying to convince?_

_I wish every minute of every day that you would let me in, confide in me. And I hate myself for having the delusion that I could do anything for you if you did. But I don't think I can stand to watch you suffer from afar. When I think about what you've gone through, what happened…_

.  
Snape stopped reading and abruptly flipped forward a few pages. He was not ready to read this and certainly not from Harry's point of view.

Sensing Severus's discomfort, Harry spoke, "Severus, I…"

"It's alright, Harry." Snape looked the concerned boy in the eyes and urged, "Really." He returned his attention back to the journal.

_**  
Nov 23:**_

_You cancelled our lesson to get drunk! If I wasn't so confused I'd be scared out of my mind._

.  
Snape's eyes widened slightly at Harry's knowledge of events and he flipped forward a few pages.

_**  
Dec 12:**_

_You refuse to teach me because you can't stand to be around me anymore. I'm not sure why. Do you hate me? Is it too much to hope that it is the opposite? I think so._

_You've barely said a word to me in the last 3 weeks. And last night I heard you screaming in your bedroom. It was a horrible sound and when I moved closer, I heard you throwing up. You'd probably kill me if you knew that I was listening. I guess you were too drunk (again!) to remember your silencing charm._

_I feel so helpless that sometimes I wonder if you are right. Perhaps I should just leave you alone. Although given how close we've been lately, I'm not sure that would be very much of a change at all._

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"You know," Snape began seriously, but with a sparkle of humor in those dark eyes, "we are going to have to have a serious conversation about you spying on me."

"Sorry," Harry replied sheepishly.

Opening to a later page, Snape continued reading all too aware that the date listed was a couple of days after that horrible night, the night he had shown Harry those horrible memories of him and the Dark Lord together.

_**  
Dec 22:**_

_This one is very hard to write._

_Despite my relief, I am angry with you for what you did. Angry that you showed me those memories. Angry that you told me they were real. Angry that you acted as though you were going to rape me afterwards. There…I wrote it._

_But I wanted to know. I did beg you to show me. And you were right. I knew nothing. Nothing at all._

_And now I know. Was it the memories you wanted me to see, or was it something else? Were you trying to prove to me that you had a dark side?_

_I've been watching my memories of that night in the Pensieve. Another one of Dumbledore's 'suggestions.' In addition to explaining to me why you did this, he's having me watch what happened over and over again – not **it**, not **that **memory. He wants me to study you…your eyes. "Watch his eyes, Harry. They'll tell you the truth Severus is keeping from you."_

_It is difficult to see through all your rage, but he's right, your eyes betray you, if only a bit. I didn't see it at first, but Dumbledore was careful to point it out to me. A small hint of pain, a good degree of self-loathing. Hatred, not at me, but for what you are doing. Contempt…for yourself._

_I know you would be mad if you knew he was watching these things with me. You'd think that he watches you lose control with anger, disgust, and perhaps pity. You'd think he is judging you. But you would be wrong. I see his face as he studies yours. He is barely holding back tears. He loves you._

_I'm not sure what to feel anymore – but I know I care…too much. And that has to mean something._

_And here I am, rambling on. This is supposed to be a list, not a journal, Potter, you would say. Your adolescent musings are of no interest to me. Perhaps._

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Snape was stunned by Harry's matter of fact tone in the entry, confronted once again with a maturity of mind that he had never thought Harry had. With renewed feelings of guilt for putting Harry through of all of that pain, Snape skipped forward several entries, and continued his reading.

_**  
Dec 30:**_

_This morning I am so glad that we made and took that anti-aphrodisiac. I would trade every erection from now on if it meant you'd let me stay with you like you did last night. Well, maybe I'm overstating that a bit, but you get the point. I can't stop thinking about holding you in my arms – the way your trembling stilled against me, the way your breathing slowed as I felt you slip back into sleep._

_It is in those moments that I can almost believe that you love me. Almost._

.  
Snape realized he was holding his breath, overwhelmed at the depth of emotions Harry had been working through during their stay together. He continued reading.

_**  
Dec 31:**_

_You are a mess of contradictions, Severus._

_You are the bravest man I've ever known, yet you are afraid to let me in. _

_You throw insane hurtful things at me – and why? Because you don't want to hurt me; because you want to protect me._

_You think you are a monster. You don't know that you couldn't be any more wrong._

_You are capable of such emotional complexity yet you can't accept the fact that I love you. Still. Always. I promise that one day you will know it – more than know it. One day, you will **feel **the truth of my words._

_**  
Jan 1:**_

_You asked me a series of questions once. I wrote them down after watching you ask them countless times in the Pensieve. I am sure you remember your words: 'Would you still find my eyes so striking if you knew the truth about all the horrors that they have witnessed? And how would you feel about my hands touching your body if you even suspected what unconscionable acts of brutality they have committed? And my voice, which you seem to think is so sensuous, would you still permit me to whisper in your ear if you knew how many unforgivably dark curses it has uttered?'_

_And now that our confinement has ended, I am ready to give you my answer._

_I may not know everything about what you've done in the past – or even close to it – but I know enough. Enough about who you are **now**. Because I've seen your eyes, once so cold, burn. Burn for me, burn with desire as you touched me. I'd do anything to see that again. And I've felt your hands gently hold me and yes, give me incredible pleasure. And your voice – oh, I've heard it utter dark curses **at me**. But I've also heard it speak devastating kindnesses in my ear, comforting me in ways I cannot even describe._

_And now, I've also heard it speak in utter dejection, betraying, along with your vulnerable eyes and trembling hands, how lost and helpless you felt that night you returned from him – how helpless you continue to feel at not being able to put that horror behind you._

_And although a part of me once wanted to curse you for showing me all of this the way that you did – that part is long gone. Now, all I want is to hold you and whisper soothing reassurances in your ear, as you once did for me. The answer to another of your questions, Severus, is yes. I still want to know you. More than anything._

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It took a long moment for Snape to regain his powers of speech. When he did, his voice was slightly hoarse as he spoke. "This is…incredible, Harry. I don't know what to say. I…thank you," Snape said, clutching the journal to his chest.

Snape was all too aware that Harry had given him something quite astounding – a complete sharing of his thoughts and feelings over the past few months. And such a sharing was something Snape would have, and still found very difficult to give to another.

So for him, there could be no greater gift. Because this was so much more then well-meaning words on a page. This was a signature, a testament of Harry's unshakable love for him. It was almost too much to take in. And just a few short days ago, it would have been too much to accept. But no longer. Because however foreign the idea still was to him, Snape truly believed that Harry loved him. More than that – he felt it.

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A/N: One chapter to go...

Always thanks to my faithful reviewers and of course, my beta Kelei!

Thanks to everyone for your patience, especially in advance for the next chapter which is daunting, as endings are always very difficult for me.

While this story may be coming to a close - you may find info about a potential sequel on my profile page (which I do update) at any time over the coming months. Also, upon my beta's insistence I've started a live journal...although I explained to her on many an occasion that I am simply not interesting enough to warrant one. However, I relented because I thought it might actually be a good way to keep everyone up to date on the status of my fics and for you to ask questions and make suggestions. To read about the status of my fics and other elements of my insanity, find the link to my **LJ **on my **profile page **and friend me if you're into that sort of thing.

I really had a great time writing this chapter. I probably could have re-written the entire story again from this journal perspective but decided to focus on a few key dates/events in the timeline (to my lovely beta's dismay).

The primary thing I struggled with in this chapter was how well-written Harry's entries should be. I ultimately decided to explain it away with that one-liner from Severus, as I could envision Harry as being decently intelligent at times (even as it pains me to think so! lol). But to be honest, I couldn't bring myself to write sloppy text even in the journal entries. I hope you find it agreeable. And that you enjoyed my play with POV...essentially us seeing severus looking at himself through harry's eyes, and that I have made the distinction/progression visible between the earlier and later entries.

Okay...that's enough talk from me. Now let me hear from you.

Please **review**.


	34. I love you, Harry

**Title: **Light on the Dark Side of Me  
**Author:** Cocoa-Snape  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.  
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**Warnings:** R+-rated Slash content

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**Light on the Dark Side of Me  
Chapter 34: I love you, Harry**

For the second time that evening, Severus Snape found himself seated at his desk, his attentions focused on its left uppermost drawer. This time, he had even gone so far as opening it and removing the item in question, before coming to his senses and promptly replacing the box in its hiding place. He glanced over at the couch, noticing that Harry had almost finished his birthday cake and was now staring at him with a puzzled expression.

"Severus, do I have to ask you again what you're doing over there?"

"No. It's nothing," Snape replied hurriedly, standing and making his way back to the couch.

As he sat down next to Harry, who was enthusiastically polishing off the rest of the cake, he remarked in an amused tone, "Are you always this hungry for dessert?"

Realizing his faux pas just before he spooned the last bite into his mouth, Harry asked sheepishly, "Sorry. Did you want anymore?"

"Not at all. I was simply inquiring about your eating habits. Please finish. I've had plenty."

"You barely had any."

"I already told you, I had my fill of sweets this past week. I can barely look at that frosted concoction without feeling unwell."

"But you had a piece?"

"I appreciated the gesture, and…I was being polite," Snape replied.

"Polite?" Harry asked with mock incredulity. "What did Dumbledore do to you this week?" he added with a chuckle.

"Never fear, I'm still the same old greasy git you love to hate."

"I'm not so sure about the hate part anymore," Harry said, as he reached up and ran his fingers through Snape's hair. "And not greasy either."

Snape closed his eyes as this simple contact. He wasn't sure why it affected him so, except that it had been the first way Harry had ever touched him.

"I love your hair," Harry continued. "It's so soft – and I used to think it was all greasy."

"It is," Snape corrected. "…most of the time. It doesn't take long when exposed to potion vapors."

"It feels pretty damned good now," Harry commented with a broad smile.

"I washed it especially for you," Snape replied, barely holding back a smirk.

It took Harry a moment to register the sarcasm and answer, "Liar. You didn't even know I was coming."

"You're right," Snape said, his voice suddenly serious. "I didn't."

Harry could hear the solemnity of Severus's reply, and he felt the need to re-explain himself. "I wanted to come sooner, but Dumbledore suggested giving you the week." Harry paused a moment, before adding, "And also, I wanted you to know that I was sure. And that it wasn't just because we'd been alone together for so long."

"That was a very wise decision on your part," Snape remarked.

"Guess something must have rubbed off," Harry said with a smile.

Harry couldn't help holding his breath slightly as he saw Severus leaning towards him. And he wondered briefly if the butterflies he felt in his stomach when Severus kissed him would go away in time. He hoped not. But to Harry's surprise, Severus avoided his lips, instead placing a delicate kiss on his cheek and the very corner of his mouth, swiping his tongue there.

"You had some frosting," Snape explained.

Harry couldn't resist. "I thought you said you didn't want anything sweet."

Snape smiled darkly and replied, "I suppose it's all in the presentation."

Harry snuggled himself against Severus's warm body and reached over, taking the man's hand in his own. Surprised by the feeling of something cold, Harry sat back up and spotted the antique gold filigree ring holding a brilliant ruby on Severus's finger. Harry recognized it immediately, having seen it in Severus's bedroom some days ago. Knowing that he hadn't been wearing the ring moments before, Harry realized that Severus must have put it on when he had just been at his desk.

"You're wearing that ring I saw on your night stand last week," Harry remarked.

"It's my family ring," Snape said simply.

Noticing Harry's intense stare, Snape slid it off his finger and handed it to Harry to examine.

Harry took it and asked, "Your father's?"

Snape bristled at the question and Harry shot his head up, wondering what he had said wrong.

Snape scowled and said sharply, "Hardly. My father never gave a damn about tradition. But had it been his, I would never have kept it." Severus added mentally, _I would have burned it, with the rest of that bastard's things_.

A tense silence stretched between them. Carefully studying Severus, who had trained his eyes intently on the raging hearth, Harry knew immediately that there was so much Severus wasn't saying. He only knew he had made things incredibly awkward in the span of a few seconds. _Damn it, Harry. You always have to mess everything up._

"I'm sorry," Harry began, "I didn't—"

Snape put his hand up, silencing Harry's apology. "I know," he said. Harry was relieved as he saw Severus's face relax.

Snape eyed his ring, still in Harry's hands, and explained, "It belonged to my mother's father. She had no brothers and so it passed to her. She gave it to me when I was 14, just before she died."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago," Snape replied flatly.

But as Harry watched Severus's eyes close just for a second, he knew that however long ago it might have been, the pain of it didn't seem any less real to him. And Harry realized that he was just beginning to get to know this man. And damn, he wanted to know every single thing about him. _Everything_.

Harry glanced at the inside of the ring and noticed the engraved crest with the letter 'P' in the center. He handed it back, wondering what it signified. He did not even need to ask.

"Prince," Snape explained. "My mother's maiden name."

Snape replaced the ring on his finger and the two sat in uncomfortable silence for many minutes. The quiet between them was discomfiting enough, but Snape's nervous gestures were perhaps the most unnerving to Harry. It was very unlike this man to exhibit such outward signs of anxiety as he twiddled the ring with his other hand. He was, after all, a master at disguising his emotions. But apparently not now. Harry wondered what was going on.

Snape took a deep breath and opened his mouth as if he were about to speak, but then stopped and closed it again. Harry couldn't help but feel that this was all his fault, having broached the sensitive topic of Severus's father. But Harry had no way of knowing that the internal battle raging through Snape's mind had nothing at all to do with his earlier indiscretion.

A moment later, Snape steeled himself mentally and began again, speaking through almost gritted teeth, "I had a small fragment of the underside of the stone removed and placed in a piece I commissioned."

Despite not understanding what Severus was saying, relief washed over Harry nonetheless. Given Severus's demeanor, he had been expecting the man's next words to be, 'Get out!' He asked in confusion, "A piece? A piece of what?"

Snape lowered his head, eyeing the ring once more. He sat there motionless, even as he willed himself to move. _Get up, Severus. Get up and get it. Just give it to him. 'Damn this is hard.'_

"What's so hard?" Harry asked gently and Snape realized that he had inadvertently verbalized his last thought.

Snape got up slowly, walked over to his desk and opened the left uppermost drawer, staring for a moment at the item that had been occupying his thoughts for the last few hours – well, actually, days. Gingerly, he retrieved a small box, wrapped beautifully in deep green and brilliant gold. Moving to sit beside Harry once more, he offered it to the shocked young man.

"It's for you, Harry."

"When did you…?" Harry asked through his surprise.

"I commissioned it just before you left over the Holidays. I thought…I don't know what I thought…" Snape said, shaking his head slightly, "…but at the time I didn't think you'd want it."

Harry opened the box and his mouth dropped open in utter awe at its contents – a platinum chain and an exquisitely crafted platinum amulet in the shape of a snake curled into the letter 'S.' A small fragment of the ruby from Severus's ring studded the snake's eye. Harry had never seen anything this beautiful before. And he could barely fathom the fact that Severus was giving this to him.

"It's charmed," Snape said, interrupting Harry's mute haze. "The eye, as I said, is a piece of this stone – from my family ring. In addition to having protective charms, the presence of the stone in the amulet will connect us as long as I wear this ring. It will let me know if you are in danger."

"Does…does it work the other way around?" Harry asked, regaining his powers of speech.

"It can. I can show you later if you like," Snape replied, his brow crinkling slightly at Harry's silence. "Do you like it?" Snape asked hesitantly

Harry's head shot up and he said, "For a Legilimens, you're pretty bad at reading my feelings right now." And then Harry added forcefully, "I love it and I love you," before throwing his arms around Severus and squeezing him so hard he could hear him struggle for breath.

Harry refocused his attentions on the amulet and started to pick it up with his hand before flinching sharply and dropping it onto his lap in shock. He stared at his fingers, which he was sure had been burned, but they were undamaged. The amulet had felt fiery hot.

"It won't always feel like that on your skin – you'll quickly grow accustomed to it," Snape explained.

"What is it?" Harry asked.

"It's the protective charms."

Astonished, Harry realized that the object was hot with magic. "I've never felt anything this powerful on an object before," Harry remarked incredulously.

Snape smiled. "Well…I had Albus cast the charms. It was quite the ordeal believe me," Snape said, rolling his eyes in mock annoyance. "He was absolutely beside himself with glee. I have surely filled my twinkle quota for the next ten years! But I decided you were worth it."

Harry smiled broadly and replied, "You must love me." He had said it as a joke, but as soon as the words had come out of his mouth, he regretted them. However much he wanted this gift to signify love, Harry hadn't intended to press Severus into anything and he needed him to understand that.

"I…I didn't mean to…" Harry began awkwardly, his head lowered in embarrassment.

"Harry…" Snape interrupted gently.

Snape's voice lowered a bit and he spoke with a strange calm, "Look at me, Harry." Harry raised his eyes to meet Severus's and the man continued, his dark depths burning understanding into Harry's own. "Love, Harry, sounds wholly inadequate to describe my feelings for you. I hope you understand that I do not give this to you lightly."

Snape stared at Harry for a long moment, letting the force of his words sink in. As he studied the young man seated in front of him, so full of trust and love _for him_ – even when Severus did not have it for himself – he could not understand why he had ever been so nervous or hesitant to give Harry the amulet in the first place.

Snape continued, "By giving this to you, this binds us together. Not officially, of course. But to me, you are now part of my family. Do you understand?"

Harry nodded, his eyes brimming with tears.

Snape lifted the amulet and chain off Harry's lap and fastened it around his neck. Harry was surprised to find that it burned for only a few seconds, before becoming comfortably warm on his chest.

Realizing all too well that sometimes bluntness was required, and perhaps knowing that it was long past the time to admit his feelings out loud (to an awake Harry), Snape took a deep breath. Gently cupping Harry's cheeks with his hands, Snape whispered to him, just inches away from his face, "I would not give this to you, Harry, if I did not love you with all my heart and soul. I love you, Harry Potter."

Harry's tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks, and he leapt into Severus's arms, exclaiming, "Oh God, Severus, I love you so much."

Harry leaned in and pressed his lips to Severus's. The two kissed for some time – soft, deliberate kisses that told the story of their affection, their love. Harry found himself on Severus's lap, his legs straddling his lover's hips.

After breaking their last kiss, Harry met Severus's eyes and stared intently at him, before whispering, "I want you to make love to me, Severus."

Snape's lips quirked around the edges and he remarked with amusement, "I think we just did that."

"Yes, I know. And it was amazing…but I want more. I want _everything_," Harry said meaningfully.

_Oh Merlin_. Snape felt himself growing incredibly hot from that statement – from the mere thought of what Harry was offering him. But he knew that given all that they had been through, now was not the time to make any assumptions. He kissed Harry gently once again and breathed very close to him, "I need you to tell me what you mean, Harry."

Harry took a deep breath and replied with false calm, "I want you inside me, Severus."

Snape's breath caught in his throat, with Harry's words inciting a sudden flush of arousal.

But his anxiety kept him lucid as he replied, "I want that very much as well, Harry. But we don't have to do that yet you know. Perhaps we should wait. We can always do other things."

Harry stroked Severus's cheek with his hand and said softly, "I want to be yours…in every way."

Taking in the confident, beautiful young man in front of him, Snape spoke directly from his heart – needing Harry to understand the profound depth of his feelings for him.

"How, my love, can you still have any doubt that you are?"

It was as though a thunderclap had struck him – paralyzing Harry with the staggering force of those words. He felt completely undone by the unequivocal statement behind Severus's question. And as those obsidian eyes watched him – seeming, as always, to pierce his soul – Harry knew. He knew that he belonged to Severus. And that he loved this man with every fiber of his being.

"Please, take me, Severus. I've been waiting for this moment for so long."

Snape could barely contain the pulsating need that was driving him now. Hearing Harry's assent, his words of longing for their joining, it was too much.

"I think then, it's time I took you to my bed," Snape purred against Harry's ear, and in the next moment, he stood, hoisting Harry up with him, Harry instinctively wrapping his legs around Severus's waist.

It was Severus's sudden aggressiveness that brought Harry back to reality and to the realization of what was about to happen. A glance into Severus's eyes, now burning dark with lust, only furthered his nerves. He was not familiar with much more than the simple mechanics of love-making between two men (with the exception of the horrible things he had seen in Severus's memory), but one thing he knew was that this was going to hurt, especially being his first time. Eyeing Severus once again, who had opened his bedroom door with a whispered word, Harry's apprehension only intensified at the almost feral stare that was being leveled at him.

Before he knew it, the words came tumbling out of his mouth, "I've never…" Harry stopped before finishing the rest of the statement. _I'm such an idiot!_ Harry thought, wincing mentally at his stupidity. _Of course he knows I've never done this before. Don't laugh at me, please._

"I know, Harry," came the very gentle whisper from Severus as he set Harry down on the edge of the bed.

Harry looked up.

"Are you nervous?" Snape asked.

"No."

Seeing right through Harry's mediocre attempt at deception, an amused smirk lit Snape's face and he replied fondly, "My little Occlumens."

"Now is not the appropriate time to be making fun of me," Harry replied in a huff, but with a smirk of his own.

"Perhaps you are right about that," Snape agreed, and then added in a serious tone, "…but now is most certainly not the time to be lying to one another."

A pause. "A little," Harry confessed. "Are you?" Harry asked, once again regretting his words immediately, a flush of embarrassment entering his face. _What a stupid question! Why the hell would he be nervous?_

"Terrified." The man said it so plainly, Harry thought for a moment that Severus was joking, that he must be mocking him for his question. But it only took one look at Severus for Harry to know that he might be more scared than he was – albeit for entirely different reasons.

Snape could clearly sense the boy's anxiety, and he was beginning to think that perhaps this was too much too soon. He averted his eyes from Harry's gaze, and found himself growing dizzier by the second. In a flash, all the urgency, all the mad lust, had been cleared from his mind. And all Snape could think of was that terrible night, and the fact that he had shared it with Harry – threatened him with it, in fact. Threatened him with the perverse desire to hurt him, to take him forcefully. And even though nothing could be further from the truth, Snape couldn't help but worry that given how easily those horrible words had left his mouth as he lay cradled in the Dark Lord's arms, that Harry might believe that some part of him wanted that…sex mingled with pain…and blood.

Snape felt his erection begin to wilt as he tried to control his swirling equilibrium.

Harry did not misunderstand Severus's reaction. He grabbed the man's hand and said, "We can wait, Severus, if _you _want to, but I don't."

Snape sucked in a breath, and said softly, "I don't want to hurt you, Harry." Whether it was an explanation or a justification, even he did not know.

But it came out almost like a plea. And Harry heard it as such. It was as though Severus was begging, pleading with him to believe his words. And Harry did.

"I know you won't, Severus. I _know_," Harry replied earnestly, pulling the man into a fierce embrace, a plea of his own for Severus to believe his words, his complete trust in the man. He followed it with a delicate kiss, which built, slowly at first, until both men were gasping for air, their tongues tacitly communicating their love, their revived desire.

As Snape pushed him back onto the bed, Harry was overcome with a sudden inexplicable gratitude that Severus had brought him here, into his bedroom, for this. He'd been here before, of course. Many times, in fact, during their long stay together in the dungeons. But this was different.

Harry barely had time to ponder his last thought before he felt his robe being removed and Severus's mouth possessing him. The man's breath rained hot and intoxicating all along his neck as he felt the very gentle nip of teeth and then sucking…all over – Severus seemingly finding the most sensitive spots to escalate his pleasure. Harry smiled as he felt Severus's renewed erection pressing up against his side and his soft lips tasting his neck, kissing him – deep sucking kisses that removed all sense of time, all sense of reality. Harry opened his eyes in an attempt to ground himself, and not a second later his arousal was swiftly enveloped in perfect wet warmth.

"Oh God!" Harry exclaimed.

The sensations were completely overwhelming as Severus moved up and down his length, breaking his movements only to suck and lap at the forming wetness there.

Reveling in the taste of Harry in his mouth, Severus moaned, sending a reverberating shudder of pleasure through Harry – his panting inhalations a sign of impending climax. Sensing how close Harry was, Severus lifted his head and moved over Harry again, kissing him gently on the mouth.

"Are you absolutely sure, Harry?" Snape asked with a glint of concern. "I am happy to make you come just like this."

Having regained some part of his senses, Harry breathed, "I want you to make love to me. I want to feel all of you."

Snape smiled. "Then I'll be right back."

Harry used the minute Severus was gone to catch his breath and clear his mind. _This is really going to happen._

Severus returned with a small pot of lubricant and two potion bottles. Setting them on the nightstand, he poured a liberal amount of each potion into the pot. While combining the mixture, he addressed Harry's unspoken question. "A muscle relaxant and numbing agent…for good measure."

"Is that really necessary?" Harry asked dubiously, realizing that Severus was being overly cautious.

"Yes," Snape replied matter-of-factly. "Besides," he added, in the darkest and most luscious of tones, "I want to make love to you all night long."

The sentiment made Harry flush and he smiled. "Oh what an idea, Severus."

"I'm not kidding," Snape replied with a seriousness in his voice that disarmed Harry completely.

Raising his hips to accommodate the pillow Severus was sliding under him, Harry's nervousness returned again in full force, although he did his best to hide it. It became easier to do once he felt Severus's fingers stroking the sensitive spot behind his balls and then lower – the finger slowly circling, while Severus's other hand returned to Harry's erection. Harry barely felt Severus's finger enter him moments later.

"Are you alright?" Snape asked, his voice slightly breathless, but ringing with concern.

"Yes," Harry replied through a gasping breath.

As Severus's finger continued their work, Harry was surprised that he felt no pain at all, just the slightly odd sensation of having something down there for the first time. Harry realized that Severus's potions must be responsible for this. He was about to verbalize this last thought just as a wave of pleasure shot through him – a completely new sensation that began inside him but spread all through his abdomen and down into his legs. Something resembling a half-scream and a half-moan spilled from his lips.

He looked up to find Severus smiling at him. "I take it you liked that?" Snape asked, his voice low and husky.

Harry took a deep breath. "I didn't know it would feel like that."

"It gets better."

Harry's moans were growing louder by the second as Severus worked his fingers masterfully – slick and hot – stroking, stretching, and twisting. Another touch over that magic spot and Harry was lost. He could barely register his surroundings, just that he was with Severus – completely enthralled in the mind-blowing pleasure he was giving him. The room seemed to be spinning – his need soared to the point of pain. He wanted Severus now.

"Severus, please…I want you," Harry all but whined.

"Not yet," Snape replied. The sound of Harry begging him was sending Snape over the edge. He wanted Harry so badly, but he was determined not to be rushed, determined not to do anything that would hurt his lover.

After a few more minutes, Snape could tell by the expression on Harry's face and the moaning whimpers leaving his lips that he was ready. After reaching for the lubricant one last time, Snape moved forward and kissed Harry on the lips.

Completely insane with need, Harry spoke before Severus even had the chance to ask, panting urgently, "I need you inside me. Now!"

Harry spread his legs as far as his body would allow, and Severus couldn't prevent the gasp that escaped his mouth. Whatever nerves he may have had flittered away at the sight of Harry – on his bed, naked, gorgeous, eyes rabid with wanton need. "So beautiful, Harry," Snape breathed.

Snape felt Harry's legs wrapping tightly around his waist. Grabbing Harry's hand, he pushed forward slightly. Both men released a simultaneous gasp.

"Are you alright?" Snape asked, his jaw clenched from the strain of remaining still. Oh Merlin, Harry felt so good.

"Fine. Don't stop," Harry pleaded through hitching breaths. As Severus continued, with almost excruciating slowness, there was very little pain, just a slight burning sensation. Had there been any pain, however, Harry didn't think he would even feel it – he had been on the edge of arousal for so long, he was desperate for release. Harry moaned, wholly overwhelmed by the exhilaration of this moment that surpassed even his wildest expectations. He marveled at how good it felt – this final, ultimate intimacy.

"Merlin, Harry," Snape gasped, "you feel…so perfect." Snape was breathing very hard, and focusing on remaining still. Harry felt incredible…he knew he was in heaven, or something very close to it. Part of him wanted to stay here like this forever, not moving, just feeling, but his body wanted different.

"Move…" Harry instructed, realizing after a moment that Severus was waiting for his permission.

Severus grunted and rocked back into Harry, hitting that perfect spot on the first go. Harry was vaguely aware that he was saying something – incomprehensible gibberish mixing in with Parseltongue. Another movement from Severus and Harry saw stars, his body was aflame and he was coming, shuddering helplessly through his release.

As soon as conscious thought returned to him, Harry winced at his lack of control. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry, Severus."

"Don't be sorry," Snape replied, rocking forward gently.

Harry groaned at the feelings his over-sensitized body was experiencing. And somehow Harry understood that that was what Severus had wanted, for him to come just then, just like that, untouched.

"Don't _ever_ be sorry," Snape repeated breathlessly. After a quick cleaning spell, he leaned forward, pressing their bodies together.

And then came that dark sensuous voice Harry dreamed of every night, whispering in his ear, "We're just getting started."

"Oh God," Harry gasped, as Severus continued his movements. "I love…oh…I love the sound of your voice."

"Hold onto me, Harry," Snape instructed. Harry gladly complied, clinging to Severus's shoulders, his sides, his back, anything – surrendering to this perfect feeling.

Snape's mind was reeling from the sheer bliss of this moment. Enraptured in the feeling of Harry's body, lost in pure euphoria, this unwavering ecstasy – he struggled for control, determined to keep this bliss forever.

Harry was delirious with sensation, loving the feeling of Severus claiming him as he slowly reawakened Harry's erection. Looking at Severus only heightened his arousal further – the man was panting exquisitely, with fine beads of sweat on his brow, hair covering his face, his eyes lost in lust. And soon the fire was back in Harry's belly and he was begging Severus to take him harder.

"I love you, Severus," Harry moaned. And even as the words left him, he couldn't have explained how much he wanted – needed – to hear those words returned in that moment.

As if he were reading Harry's mind, Severus stilled his movements and said softly, "Look at me, Harry."

As soon as their eyes met, Severus could not hold back…he wanted Harry to know, to _really _know.

"I love you," Severus said. And as he spoke it, he let the corners of his mind brush ever so slightly against Harry's. It wasn't much, but it was enough, for in that moment Harry could _feel _the truth of Severus's words. And just the idea of it, just the idea that Severus had let him in, even that much, was staggering to Harry. A truly unparalleled intimacy that left him completely undone.

It was a moment he would remember for the rest of his life – seeing the truth of those words in Severus's eyes – believing it, believing him like he believed no other.

Harry reveled in the feeling, treasuring the thrill of touching Severus's mind. The privilege was overwhelming – more so than having Severus inside him. But a moment of doubt crept into his mind, and Harry wondered if this was something Severus had done before.

It took less than a second for Severus's strong voice to fill his head, _'Never. I would never do this with anyone else, Harry.'_

A moment later, Harry was being pushed over and Severus was lying down behind him, both men now on their sides. Harry sighed in contentment as he felt Severus's strong arms wrap around him, surrounding him completely. And a moment later, Severus had resumed his movements with a deep groan, now so very slow and patient.

As they moved together, Harry could feel the faint edges of Severus's mind brushing up against his own, the connection still unbroken. It was a sight in of itself – hints of color interspersed in shades of light and dark. Never having seen someone else's mind before, and wholly unfamiliar with its structure, Harry couldn't help but marvel at this vision. Spotting a particularly light region in the dark, grayed whole, he wondered and then asked, _'What's that?'_ while pressing his mind against Severus's so that he might understand the question.

Harry could feel Severus smiling against his neck as he replied, his voice full of raw sincerity, "That's you, Harry. That's you."

Fully aware that there were now tears streaming out of his eyes, Harry struggled to control his whirlwind of emotions. But Severus heard it – the question, the doubt, the fear – deep in his mind, and told him to let it go.

_'What is it? Let me hear it!'_ Severus implored, the movement of his hips still languorous and unhurried.

A moment later, Harry admitted, _'I don't want this ever to end.'_

_'It won't,'_ Snape promised, not misunderstanding Harry's plea. _'You're mine now, Harry.'_

Severus reached around, grabbed Harry's head and pulled his mouth to his, thrusting his tongue inside.

_'I'm yours,'_ Harry chanted mentally. _'Totally yours.'_

Harry lost himself in the sensation of being so completely possessed by another. It was better than he could have ever imagined – overcome with the feeling of completeness that flooded over him, setting fire to his soul. He felt like he was trapped – blessedly so – in some kind of nirvana. A nirvana that went on and on and on.

Many, many…many times when Harry neared his climax – and confident that Severus was not far behind judging from his breathless exclamations and his haphazard almost frantic movements – Severus would abruptly change his pace. Instead of finding release, Severus would instead resume his previous tantalizing rhythm – slow, relentless, and devastating – keeping both of them on the edge of arousal, skirting completion for what seemed like (and very well might have been) hours.

It was just as Severus had promised him – 'all night long,' in this ultimate exercise of delayed gratification coalescing into exquisite pleasure. The very definition of consummate love-making.

Harry would have been screaming from the torture of it, if it didn't feel so incredibly good. It was in those moments – where frenzied urgent thrusts turned to slow, languid rocking, and even tender moments where they would stop and simply feel each other breathing – it was in those moments that Harry was coherent enough to realize the awesomeness of what they were doing – this transcendental joining of their bodies and minds.

And each time Harry would start to think, Severus would restart his movements, catching him completely off guard. He howled as Severus once again resumed his miraculous rocking – the all-consuming penetration of his body – raising that indefinable need in him, tears flooding his eyes for the countless time that evening. Every cell in his body was screaming violently in pleasure, raging furiously in frustration, and begging urgently for release.

Sensing his almost painful desperation, Severus reached down, grabbed Harry's erection, and whispered, "Are you ready to come for me, Harry?"

"Oh God yes, please oh please, yes…" Harry began, the appeals for release becoming louder and more fervent with each spoken syllable.

Severus sped up his movements, while expertly stroking the young man's length with his hand. It took only a few strokes and the murmured command, hot in his ear, "Come for me, Harry," before Harry obeyed, his body arching back against his lover's, convulsing in an earth-shattering orgasm, as he screamed Severus's name with abandon.

Severus was not far behind, the tightening of Harry's body and the satisfied sounds of his release pushing him over the edge. A moment later, and he was coming as well, ecstasy ripping through him as he climaxed, emitting a primal cry in Harry's ear.

After several long moments of heavy breathing, and with a great deal of effort, Severus murmured a cleaning spell. He placed a series of delicate kisses along Harry's shoulders and neck, then slumped against Harry, tightening his protective hold around the young man.

"I love you," Harry whispered, through still labored breathing.

"I love you too," Snape replied.

"Can we stay like this all night?" Harry asked.

"I hadn't planned on moving for a few days," Snape replied dryly.

Harry smiled and snuggled back against Severus's cradling warmth, reveling in this timeless moment. He could not imagine anything better. And he wondered if it would always be like this. This perfect. This special. This easy.

To Harry's surprise, Severus must have heard him, because he replied significantly, his voice tender and heartfelt, "It's never going to be easy, Harry. But as long as you're with me…it _will_ be perfect."

-

_**- finis -**_

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**_Author's Note_: **Note that the full text is available for this chapter (and all previously censored chapters as well - _finally!_). See my profile page for the link. I do recommend the full version.

It has been a pleasure writing this story. Okay, at times it's been excruciating. But overall, I've enjoyed the process of writing this (my first fan fiction) more than I ever could have imagined. It has opened a distinctly different creative path in my mind and I hope that that part of me continues to grow.

First and foremost, I want to thank all of my readers, especially every single person who has reviewed, sent a PM or an email. I enjoy and value your feedback tremendously. Special thanks to those reviewers who've consistently reviewed my chapters from the moment you started reading...you know who you are.

Thanks also to my partner who read/betaed a few chapters here and there despite being totally squicked by this pairing and for letting me hog the computer when I felt inspired.

Also, I need to thank Kelei who has betaed the latter half of this story for me. My only regret is that I didn't find her sooner. She's awesome and I can only hope she sticks with me through my other fics. Thanks Kelei!

I would encourage those who enjoy my writing/plot ideas to find my newest story, Unexpected Grace, which I will now be focusing my efforts on. To those open-minded individuals who aren't scared to try something new or to those who are simply curious what I can/will do with Dumbledore and Snape, I promise an angsty, emotional and thoroughly pleasurable journey.

You may check my profile page for updates about a sequel to this story, although it will be a while in coming. To the many people on my story update list, you're probably covered since I'll most likely post an A/N to this story at that point, thus notifying you by email. If you're on my author update list...then you're also covered (and too cool for words)!

I am very much looking forward to your comments on the ending.


	35. AN: Sequel information

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_**Author's Note:**_

Sorry for the illegal A/N, but I promised I'd post it when I finally started the sequel, so here it is.

The first two chapters of **In Memory's Wake**, the sequel to Light on the Dark Side of Me, are now up. If you're interested, sign up for a story alert for future updates. For those of you already reading, sorry for this extra alert.

And in case you want a refresher, here is a short summary of Light on the Dark Side of Me.

_In his seventh year, Harry's Occlumency lessons resume with Snape. Harry struggles with the realization of his sexual preferences as well as his attraction to the Potions Master. One thing leads to another and the two become intimate, but the relationship is very short-lived. Snape breaks it off almost immediately, to Harry's devastation._

_Harry witnesses Snape being assaulted by Death Eaters for his inability to deliver Harry to Voldemort. Harry tells Dumbledore, who attempts to offer a resistant Snape comfort._

_When their lessons resume, Harry won't accept Snape's refusal to continue a relationship and in their anger, both men exchange Unforgivables. Harry is unfazed by this and confronts Snape once again with his feelings. Tired of Harry's advances, Snape shows Harry a memory in which he and Voldemort engage in a sexual act while Snape describes his secret fantasy of raping a young Harry._

_Harry is stunned and betrayed and runs to Dumbledore who explains that Snape was simply playing out his carefully crafted role as a spy. Dumbledore confronts a very deeply troubled Snape and forces him to spend the Christmas holidays confined to his quarters with Harry so that the pair can work out their differences._

_Snape's nightmares and panic attacks convince Harry that he has post-traumatic stress disorder and he does all he can to help. Ultimately, Snape opens up to Harry and explains his actions in showing him the misleading memory. Harry pledges his loves and promises to help Severus work through the horrors he has faced and continues to face. Snape gives Harry an amulet, declares his undying love, and they have hot sex._

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